Am I being an absolute baby over this? Need some advice please

[SweetBabyCheesus]

Apologies, prepare yourselves, this is a long one!

I'm 54, & my brother is 45. We are really close, and I would consider him one of my best friends, and I thought he thought the same.

My brother is getting married abroad later in the year. His fiancée is from the country that they are marrying in, although she lives with him in the UK. They have been together for about 12 years, I think. We all get on great.

A few weeks ago, midweek, my stepdad sent me a pic of my mum all dressed up. I sent my mum a message asking where she was going looking so glam - and she replied that she was going to my brother's wedding in London. Then said that it was just a formality and they had to do this to enable the wedding in the autumn abroad. My mum and stepdad were there, my sister was there as she can't go to the 'proper' wedding, and my brother's fiancée (wife!)'s parents and brother were there (from their home country).

I was at this point really confused, because despite having spoken to my brother in the last couple of weeks - NOBODY has mentioned this to me at all. Not a word. I speak to my mum at least once a week too.

Then they all started sending me pics, of the wedding at the registry office, pics on the steps of the happy couple, and pics of the meal that they all went to afterwards - and now I'm really starting to feel hurt.

Later in the evening, my brother sent me a pic of them signing the register, saying something along the lines of "just the formal bit before the actual wedding!"

I replied "Congratulations!! Looks like you've all had a lovely day!! ❤️❤️ xxx"
He replied back "Have I done something? That sounded a little clipped"
I messaged him back saying I was absolutely gutted that I knew nothing about this, and that I wasn't invited, and that I really didn't want to spoil his day, so could we speak another time?
I am still waiting for a response, almost 3 weeks later.

I need some opinions. I'm not one for conflict, but I also won't walk away from confrontation if needed. I am beyond hurt. Everyone else in my close family was there apart from me. Her parents flew in from another country, and I wasn't even invited.

My brother is quite a difficult person, but we understand each other and accept each other warts and all. I love him dearly, and he knows that - and trust me, if I had done this to him, he would never forgive me.

I cannot understand in what world, ANY of them couldn't have thought that this would hurt me. My mum thinks that he just 'forgot' to tell me because it wasn't a big deal - but it was enough of a big deal for everyone to dress up, all go out for dinner, and take loads of pictures... Without me.

The point also needs to be made that the message I sent to my brother was in no way "clipped". His message to me smacks of a guilty conscience. So why didn't he invite me?

I'm stuck in this awful limbo of wanting to get this sorted out, but at the same time, I'm sick of smoothing things over to the detriment of my own feelings. Why should I message him again? Why should I fork out thousands of pounds that I honestly don't have, to go to a wedding of someone that apparently cares so little about me?

Am I being unreasonable to be so hurt? Am I being a massive drama queen? Am I making it all about me?

I'm just gutted.

Yes, but clear pecking order = clear message, no? Sister automatically gets to attend the big family reunion with everyone, @Hevvie not consulted or even given the option to attend, it’s simply announced that she can come along on her own at a later date.

I know that’s exactly how the dynamic would have worked in my own family had the same situation arisen. It’s almost always the most conciliatory, willing to compromise sibling who loses out. Everyone thinks, ‘@Hevvie won’t make a fuss, we can put her on the back burner without causing too many waves’, whereas the one who’d kick off and potentially cause the biggest fallout is always pandered to.

Everyone then colludes to minimise the event and label the hurt of the excluded sibling as ‘silly’ or ‘over-sensitive’, so they can all lie to themselves and each other that there’s no need to feel guilty about their shitty behaviour.

As is equally obvious in @SweetBabyCheesus’s case. Being the most easygoing, emotionally mature person in a family just makes it very easy for all the others to behave badly, hurt your feelings and somehow make it your fault.

It’s precisely because you’ve never demanded to be heard that you’re unlikely to be now, sadly.

They’re used to good old Cheesus being flexible and undemanding, but suddenly - shock! - you’ve changed the established terms of engagement.

When we step outside the boxes we assign ourselves and each other within families, it’s rarely welcomed or seen as reasonable. Instead of reflecting on their behaviour, they’re focussed on deflecting responsibility for your hurt feelings by being affronted that you’ve had the temerity to call them out - and they now need to stick together and maintain the fiction that you’re being inexplicably ‘difficult’.

Because they’re not used to it - but I hope you bloody well plan to get them used to it, OP. They’ve been awful.

"Throughout all of these complicated and complex relationships, my whole life, I have never demanded to be heard like this - and they are all completely ignoring it. "

Have you ever asked this before of them? It sounds like you've been the conciliatory one who just sucked up any poor treatment. But this is so egregiously horrible, it's deliberate and directed at you alone. I think they know they've been horrible to deliberately exclude you from the legal wedding that even the bride's parents flew over for but they think you'll get over it.

I really don't think your relationships with your family can recover to what they were. It's like a broken plate and there's no repair technique that can fix the toxicity this has exposed.

Your family is gaslighting you.

Take time and space and headspace from them.

Let them all know.

To be left out of something so important, when the rest of my family were included, and not one person even mentioned it to me, let alone invited me, has left me upset, and hurt.

Please could you let me know why I was excluded?

Bro - Have I done something that meant you didn't feel I could be invited to your wedding?

Rest of the family - Have I done something that meant you had to keep it secret from me that it was happening and you were all going to the wedding?

Because this is what's happened.

I'm mystified and can't understand how or why, and it's making me feel very unhappy and excluded from the family right now.

I understand you'll be feeling defensive to be faced with this question. But please understand that the answer matters to me.

This is along the lines of the conversation I had with my mum. All she did was minimise my confusion and hurt and intimate that I was making a fuss. She reiterated over and over again that it was just a formality and nobody saw it as the proper wedding.

But as I said to her - it was enough of an event for you all to dress up, take pictures and go out for a meal though. Enough of an event for people to fly in from another country for.

She said "I'm sorry you feel that way."
That age old apology that isn't really an apology and we all know it.

No. Not having it.

How unbelievably hurtful. How strange your mum kept silence in the lead up. Unbelievable your mum and brother don't get you'd be hurt and left out.

Sorry that they are selfish shits.

I think you need to ask your mum why she bothered to go at all of it was just a formality. If it was literally just a contract signing that could have been done with just 2 witnesses.

They seemed to take the view that there was no need to inform her - OP was just expected to do her usual and accept that her role is to be a good sport.

When similar happened to my husband, his ex was economical with the truth: she told me that she was going on an 18th trip with her daughter and granddaughter.

The daughter simply told us nothing about it until after we saw the FB pictures: "Oh..I didn't think you want to come."

Her brother and DIL had no idea that DH hadn't been invited but apparently said nothing afterwards. I know for a fact that DIL is always scared to rock to the boat.

I'm assuming that this has been a similar set-up.

OP - I think you should send them all a link to this thread.
You shouldn’t need to of course, and if they have any shred of remorse, then they’ll feel awful at their behaviour after reading all the replies.
Total strangers having more empathy for you than your own close family.
I can only imagine they know they have behaved appallingly, but don’t want to admit that about themselves so are acting defensively instead.

The fact your weren’t invited when everyone else was is obviously hurtful. But having done the legal bit myself before getting married in Mexico, I was absolutely adamant that I did not want anyone to view that as my actual wedding day, but my wife’s family came as they weren’t coming to the official wedding. I didn’t invite my own family. But they knew about it and I would never have left out one person, so he may be feeling that if you are going to the wedding abroad, you’re going to his real wedding. Was hurtful but probably unintentional

Reading all your updates - your brother sounds as if he wants an excuse for it to be your fault, for whatever reason you were left out (there could originally have been a benign reason but that is irrelevant as he has now been so callous) and your Mum sounds as if she is being just horrible, I would be more cross with her!

Your Mum should have some empathy rather than her obtuse self justification. I doubt you will ever get satisfaction as it has been framed that you are the problem, and if you are upset is it your issue. this is NOT the case in reality but in their altered version it is the only way they can justify their own actions. Shame on them!

Really @Namechangean?
You think that invitting the whole of your family but one person is just an oversight and unintentional?
You dint think that her brother and mum must have had a chat and agreement to not tell the OP because surely, everyone should be aware about the ‘we’re just signing the legal papers, no big deal’? But the OP wasn’t?

Thats what I’d called clutching at straw tbh.

5 year olds in a playground know that leaving one person out is mean. They also understand how it feels to be left out.

Im sorry but there are no excuses for this. Only genuine apologies.

I'm pretty sure it was unintentional. But that's not enough. At the point they all knew I was upset, they - and he in particular - should have explained and apologised.

Nothing. What message does that send to me, do you think? On top of the rest of it?

I understand you’re hurt but this is exactly why I kept my registry small and fairly secret as I dint want anyone seeing my actual wedding as just a party, I only did it that way because it would have cost a fortune for the legal stuff and we were both newly graduated at the time.

thats what your family are trying to tell you, yes they had a meal and some photos but this isn’t the wedding. This was a formality. They needed witnesses, to make it fair they probably both agreed parents, then added your sister on because she couldn’t come to the actual wedding. Which obviously at that point you they should have considered how that would make you feel. And they should apologise for that: but they are probably upset that you’re making their wedding about them when they didn’t intent to upset you. You potentially are putting more importance on the registry than they are

Hello op, can I just offer a different perspective. My dB had a very similar situation-main 'wedding' abroad, but had to have 'legal' wedding sooner in the UK
He did not want the legal wedding to be an event at all - very quiet, very low key, just a couple of witnesses-one from each side of the family, so as not to be unfair to her side of the family for many of whom travelling would have not been possible, and to not take away from the big exoensive overseas wedding. rThen his fiancée's parents insisted on making the journey so he then had to invite his (my Parents). They the wanted to dress up go for a fancy meal. This wasn't what the couple wanted at all, but didn't want to be churlish.
If you get on with your brother well , I think it is just something like that

My sister got married during Covid so numbers were really limited. She chose certain people to sit within the registry office and others had to wait outside.
Then we had a pub buffet where we sat outside. All much nicer than it sounds and the people that had to sit outside were fine. My point being if he didn't have room and didn't want to pay more for a bigger space he could have said. We need to do the formal bit. I can't pay out for a bigger place so it hosts x amount of people.
Brides family important as she doesn't see them much etc. sister who can't go to celebration abroad coming. Mum and dad then coming.
Can't also fit you in I'm afraid.
I personally would be fine with that. I think it's hurtful as they didn't tell you until afterwards or offer a sensible explanation. Eg couldn't invite because of numbers seems fine. Thought you wouldn't mind when you are close family is just silly.

@Namechangean if that is the case they should have show some empathy and the failure to do so is now the issue, or so I understand. The lack of empathy and apology is hurtful!

This is literally what they all think, I know it is.
Yes, I am putting importance on my brother's wedding. And yes, I am putting importance on how they've made me feel by excluding me.

If you can't understand why I am so upset, I can't explain it to you.

I think it’s worse bc the brides brother also attended so OP was only sibling not to

OK, but what about the secrecy? Everyone knew but SweetBabyCheesus. She's said many times that, had they been open and honest with her when planning this, there wouldn't have been the shock and hurt that has now been caused. The first she knew about it was when her stepdad sent photos. That must have felt like a body blow.

So why all the secrecy from them?

Sorry cross posted there.

For me this is the nub of it. I can see there may be reasons why they didn't think it imporftant enough to invite everyone, (just everyone excep tOP!) but the fact that none of them mentioned it is hard not to see as deliberate and that is the really hurtful bit.

The 'Sorry you feel like that' non apology would be the absolute final straw for me.

The non-invite may have been “unintentional” as some PP have said HOWEVER the lack of apology or any small effort to understand your hurt and exclusion IS intentional.

You’re right to say it’s a fork in the road. I would be taking a huge step back. I’m so sorry, you’re very rightly hurt by this and the continued hammering of that hurt by the gaslighting “I’m sorry you feel that way” from your mother. Imagine it was only she who weren’t invited! All siblings, the other parent and the in law parents flying over. But no DM because, well, it’s not real is it. I’m sure she would be thoroughly kicking off. Then there’s the absolute nothingness from your brother himself.

I’m glad to hear your own DF and DD are very much on your side and fuming on your behalf. You need close people telling you your feelings are more than valid.