Am I being an absolute baby over this? Need some advice please

[SweetBabyCheesus]

Apologies, prepare yourselves, this is a long one!

I'm 54, & my brother is 45. We are really close, and I would consider him one of my best friends, and I thought he thought the same.

My brother is getting married abroad later in the year. His fiancée is from the country that they are marrying in, although she lives with him in the UK. They have been together for about 12 years, I think. We all get on great.

A few weeks ago, midweek, my stepdad sent me a pic of my mum all dressed up. I sent my mum a message asking where she was going looking so glam - and she replied that she was going to my brother's wedding in London. Then said that it was just a formality and they had to do this to enable the wedding in the autumn abroad. My mum and stepdad were there, my sister was there as she can't go to the 'proper' wedding, and my brother's fiancée (wife!)'s parents and brother were there (from their home country).

I was at this point really confused, because despite having spoken to my brother in the last couple of weeks - NOBODY has mentioned this to me at all. Not a word. I speak to my mum at least once a week too.

Then they all started sending me pics, of the wedding at the registry office, pics on the steps of the happy couple, and pics of the meal that they all went to afterwards - and now I'm really starting to feel hurt.

Later in the evening, my brother sent me a pic of them signing the register, saying something along the lines of "just the formal bit before the actual wedding!"

I replied "Congratulations!! Looks like you've all had a lovely day!! ❤️❤️ xxx"
He replied back "Have I done something? That sounded a little clipped"
I messaged him back saying I was absolutely gutted that I knew nothing about this, and that I wasn't invited, and that I really didn't want to spoil his day, so could we speak another time?
I am still waiting for a response, almost 3 weeks later.

I need some opinions. I'm not one for conflict, but I also won't walk away from confrontation if needed. I am beyond hurt. Everyone else in my close family was there apart from me. Her parents flew in from another country, and I wasn't even invited.

My brother is quite a difficult person, but we understand each other and accept each other warts and all. I love him dearly, and he knows that - and trust me, if I had done this to him, he would never forgive me.

I cannot understand in what world, ANY of them couldn't have thought that this would hurt me. My mum thinks that he just 'forgot' to tell me because it wasn't a big deal - but it was enough of a big deal for everyone to dress up, all go out for dinner, and take loads of pictures... Without me.

The point also needs to be made that the message I sent to my brother was in no way "clipped". His message to me smacks of a guilty conscience. So why didn't he invite me?

I'm stuck in this awful limbo of wanting to get this sorted out, but at the same time, I'm sick of smoothing things over to the detriment of my own feelings. Why should I message him again? Why should I fork out thousands of pounds that I honestly don't have, to go to a wedding of someone that apparently cares so little about me?

Am I being unreasonable to be so hurt? Am I being a massive drama queen? Am I making it all about me?

I'm just gutted.

Did someone actually say maybe the registry office only took 6 guests? I must be back in COVID.

As it's now at least 3 weeks post event it's unlikely to have the same effect of ruining a day they claim was a non event

They can all get in the sea @Hevvie - shame on your mother.

Love this phrase, never heard it before!

@SweetBabyCheesus What would be the best outcome for you now?

So many people have had similar experiences, thank you all for sharing ❤️

I spoke to my dad last night. He is not directly involved with any of this really, he's not my brother's dad, and he has been divorced from my mum for over 50 years. Even he is gobsmacked, and trust me, he's not the most emotionally self-aware of people at the best of times 🤣

He, along with so many of you, have made me feel so validated in my upset. When I started this thread yesterday, I was fully prepared to take a pasting and be told I was a drama queen.

But I'm not. I am right to feel like this. I'm right in thinking that I've been treated like shit, and that I am just expected to get over it, and stfu.

Well no. I am not doing that. Yes, I'm angry, as pp have pointed out. But over and above all of that, I'm dreadfully hurt and upset.

This is a fork in my road, and I shall deal with it accordingly. Thank you all, again.

I agree with this. I don't think it is clear from the messages that he should contact you and not the other way around. I mean, anyone with any sense and decency would of course contact you as soon as possible to apologise... but he hasn't. That won't change, whether you contact him now or you don't. I think if he was going to contact you first, he would have done so by now, sadly.

She was probably worried your sister may argue with you so thought separate meets better

@SweetBabyCheesus

A fork in the road is a good way of looking at it. Only you can decide how you move on with your relationships from here.

How much they take, is dependent on how much you are willing to give.

Protect yourself a little more.

Jesus, that's your response to that post?!

@Hevvie I'm so sorry your mum did that. I'm not surprised you felt (and still feel) so hurt by it. There is no justification for it, none at all.

So leaving one person out of a large family event is the solution?

No, it’s appalling behaviour.

@Hevvie, I’m sorry you went through that

Absolutely YANBU, that would have me booking a holiday to the opposite side of the world during their wedding. No way would I be going abroad for wedding #2 after being snubbed Luke that.

You may think you are close to him but that is not reciprocated.

It’s the classic of if you let ppl walk all over you they will. It’s awful. The good, caring ppl who should be bailed them most is up
getting shat on from a great height and told not to complain about it in case they upset others. Been there. In the process of distancing myself and letting go. It certainly sucks big time 💐

@Hevvie I am so truly sorry this happened to you. Your hurt is palpable. People are such selfish inconsiderate wankers x

I reread ops post and I don't think he is waiting for her to contact again. I felt she was very respectful in saying that wasn't the right time to discuss it as it was their wedding day and asked if they could talk about it another time. It is really on him to contact as I am not sure what else she could have said beyond what she did. He needs to tell her why she wasn't told about let alone invited to his wedding, but I feel he knows he has messed up big time.

I am not sure I could even go to the 'real' wedding now after all this @SweetBabyCheesus as I would be second guessing everything that was being said.

I replied "Congratulations!! Looks like you've all had a lovely day!! ❤️❤️ xxx"
He replied back "Have I done something? That sounded a little clipped"
I messaged him back saying I was absolutely gutted that I knew nothing about this, and that I wasn't invited, and that I really didn't want to spoil his day, so could we speak another time?
I am still waiting for a response, almost 3 weeks later

I am glad your spoke to your DF
I hope this reassures you that it's a " them" issue and not yours
As a DM of 3, if similar happened. I would knock their heads together( metaphorically of course)
I'm really sorry they have hurt you so badly.
Silence is the best response I think, in your position.

OP, I feel your pain. it can be so difficult to have to go through this massive adjustment. My sister and I were super close. Then something happened. we didn't talk for 6 months. Slowly we have rebuilt our relationship but I will never trust her in the same way, never rely on her in the same way, never put the same effort in.

I can tell she's starting to notice now. It's been a few years and I think for her, in the beginning, she sort of felt the same (she felt she was the wronged one. Sigh). Now she's completely forgotten and thinks it's all the same, except it's not for me. And she's started dropping the little rude comments that actually precipitated the big fall out again. I don't take them any more. I call her out (lightly) and am totally fine that she thinks I'm a drama queen.

But the sad thing is she will never understand how and why we got to this point. She thinks that I was silly originally, that I had no right to be upset, that I behaved badly etc.

This is similar to my relationship with my sister in some ways. I can't be close to her because I can't trust her with my emotions. She would say that's ridiculous, of course, but I have been burned several times over the years. So I stepped away from that relationship a good while ago, to protect myself. Sounds utterly pathetic, I know.

Little did I know the fucking rest of them are the same!

Yeah, I think, to be fair, it's complicated. My sister is not at all a bad person. Nor did she mean to upset me. And she thinks it's okay to say and do the things she does.

She has lovely friends and a wonderful family because she is an intrinsically good person. But, between the compelxity of sibling relationships and the fact that we are different people, that level of closeness can't work for me anymore. I would argue a lot of our issues come down to me asserting myself. She, of course, would completely disagree. What can you do!?

I totally agree. sweetBabyCheesus has been treated dreadfully by her family.

However there's a stand off underway and sometimes a third party can help to at least get people to start speaking to each other.

People can be very good at thinking in their own little silos, justifying their own actions so much they don't have space to consider another viewpoint. Sweet came here to check out if she was being unreasonable (she's absolutely not). But the others players do not have that level of insight, and maybe, just maybe someone else can open their minds to the possibility that they're actions have hurt someone very deeply and maybe the onus us on them to extend an olive branch & apologise.

@DPotter
Fair enough, but I think OPs dd is too close, and may worsen any rift

It's a fine line, I'm sure, BUT I do think you're doing the right thing by standing your ground here, OP.

The family clearly use you as the fall guy and expect you to put up with such things. If you brush this over it sends the message of a green light to treat you like this, or worse, in the future.

They need to understand how much their actions have hurt you and be open to listening to you and giving apologies.

It sounds like your family aren't ready for that, so I don't blame you for not pushing for contact.

This is all I need. I just need them to own what they've done, we can all express ourselves and hopefully move on. But all of them are refusing to do any of that, and until that happens, I can't move on at all.

That is the part that ends here. I am not going to anyone begging to be heard. They have all known me for many, many years, and they should know what I need, like I do for them.

Throughout all of these complicated and complex relationships, my whole life, I have never demanded to be heard like this - and they are all completely ignoring it. THAT is the piece that hurts me, and the piece that I can't let go.

The worst part of things like this is that you are not being listened to and your feelings are being invalidated.

It doesn't matter if there 1000 good reasons why you weren't invited but the fact that none of them acknowledge that you do feel hurt and excluded is simply not on.

I'd say if they can't see this now. They can't see it next week or next month. They just can't see it. So waiting a month isn't going to help.

Either write to them and explain. Or drop.it, turn up to the wedding in the autumn and probably accept you're distanced from them after that.

Sorry it sucks