Am I being an absolute baby over this? Need some advice please

[SweetBabyCheesus]

Apologies, prepare yourselves, this is a long one!

I'm 54, & my brother is 45. We are really close, and I would consider him one of my best friends, and I thought he thought the same.

My brother is getting married abroad later in the year. His fiancée is from the country that they are marrying in, although she lives with him in the UK. They have been together for about 12 years, I think. We all get on great.

A few weeks ago, midweek, my stepdad sent me a pic of my mum all dressed up. I sent my mum a message asking where she was going looking so glam - and she replied that she was going to my brother's wedding in London. Then said that it was just a formality and they had to do this to enable the wedding in the autumn abroad. My mum and stepdad were there, my sister was there as she can't go to the 'proper' wedding, and my brother's fiancée (wife!)'s parents and brother were there (from their home country).

I was at this point really confused, because despite having spoken to my brother in the last couple of weeks - NOBODY has mentioned this to me at all. Not a word. I speak to my mum at least once a week too.

Then they all started sending me pics, of the wedding at the registry office, pics on the steps of the happy couple, and pics of the meal that they all went to afterwards - and now I'm really starting to feel hurt.

Later in the evening, my brother sent me a pic of them signing the register, saying something along the lines of "just the formal bit before the actual wedding!"

I replied "Congratulations!! Looks like you've all had a lovely day!! ❤️❤️ xxx"
He replied back "Have I done something? That sounded a little clipped"
I messaged him back saying I was absolutely gutted that I knew nothing about this, and that I wasn't invited, and that I really didn't want to spoil his day, so could we speak another time?
I am still waiting for a response, almost 3 weeks later.

I need some opinions. I'm not one for conflict, but I also won't walk away from confrontation if needed. I am beyond hurt. Everyone else in my close family was there apart from me. Her parents flew in from another country, and I wasn't even invited.

My brother is quite a difficult person, but we understand each other and accept each other warts and all. I love him dearly, and he knows that - and trust me, if I had done this to him, he would never forgive me.

I cannot understand in what world, ANY of them couldn't have thought that this would hurt me. My mum thinks that he just 'forgot' to tell me because it wasn't a big deal - but it was enough of a big deal for everyone to dress up, all go out for dinner, and take loads of pictures... Without me.

The point also needs to be made that the message I sent to my brother was in no way "clipped". His message to me smacks of a guilty conscience. So why didn't he invite me?

I'm stuck in this awful limbo of wanting to get this sorted out, but at the same time, I'm sick of smoothing things over to the detriment of my own feelings. Why should I message him again? Why should I fork out thousands of pounds that I honestly don't have, to go to a wedding of someone that apparently cares so little about me?

Am I being unreasonable to be so hurt? Am I being a massive drama queen? Am I making it all about me?

I'm just gutted.

Actually @whatwouldyoudoifisangoutofkey I feel like I already have the moral high ground, tbh!

I do know what people are saying about being careful how I handle this - I'm well aware that I'm risking estrangement. I just wish they'd thought the same about the same possibility the other way round before they made this stupid and thoughtless decision.

It's the fact that they either haven't considered the far reaching elements of this - either because they think I will just take it and carry on, or because they don't really care what I do either way - that's what's hurting me.

@EdithBond that's exactly how I feel but you've put it soooo much better .
But I'm old and there's that extra layer. I sit in my brother's lounge and he still annoys and upsets me but somehow, particularly as we age, I'm glad we're still in touch . Even though not close.

You're not being unreasonable OP. That was very thoughtless of your brother and family at best.

Actually @whatwouldyoudoifisangoutofkey I feel like I already have the moral high ground, tbh!

You absolutely do OP. You're up there on the top of Everest.
I wish you were my sister !

I definitely understand why you're upset but it doesn't sound like it was intentionally mean. You said your sister was there because she can't attend the actual wedding? It doesn't sound like they're attaching much meaning to the legal bit and would just have had parents there otherwise.

That said, I do think YANBU to be upset that no one told you about it but that everyone started sending you pictures afterwards. I wouldn't be devastated by it and I'm very close to my DB but fair enough to feel like you wish you'd been told beforehand. Really doesn't sound like an intended slight though.

I would think carefully about saying something though, my grandmother made a comment to me about my DB walking me down the aisle at our small wedding right after we'd left the church (she cut off a lot of family members based on things my late DM with severe mental health issues said to her, won't listen to reason) and it really put me on extra edge for the day. I wouldn't say it ruined it but it upset me and I really still can't understand why she felt like she had to say anything.

I understand it's a different context to your situation and you could probably address it lightly with your DB, and you avoided doing it on the day, but just adding for perspective.

The fact they sent you photos on the day proves they were not being totally secretive about it. I just can’t understand why they didn’t tell you though

OP’s stepdad sent one of her mum, presumably without the knowledge of her DM and the others followed possibly bc they were trying to make it appear as if they had nothing to hide. When they chose to keep it a close guarded secret int en run up, so they obv did. If he hadn’t sent it OP would probably hear a filtered version after the ‘official’ wedding weeks/months later wansafelynout the way.

You have not caused any estrangement to arise here; your brother did this and your mother, stepdad and sister went along with his wishes. None of these people chose to say what about Cheesus here, they knew you were not invited and they still remained silent and therefore complicit. Your brother knows his own mind and his decision to not invite you to the registry office was a deliberate snub. He's also had three weeks to respond to you and the fact he has not speak volumes about his character.

I do not think your family are as nice as you think they are, particularly your brother. You've been used by them, seen as otherwise useful and otherwise mistreated by your mother as their emotional support human. You have no voice of your own in your family. Your mother can now find someone else to fill that role and with you out of the picture hopefully they will further turn against each other.

Your brother sounds like he's only nice if everything goes his way and he gets what he wants

Not totally secretive... just left the eldest daughter out of the whole thing.

I do understand why some of you are warning me against the potential and probable consequences. But at 54 years old, I am very aware of all of this.

@SweetBabyCheesus , the last message you sent to your brother said you'd prefer to discuss this later... perhaps he is waiting for you to contact him when you're ready for that discussion?

Contacting him is not a weakness. It is a way to address the hurt you feel, and try to clarify what happened and why.

Come on, call him. Or text him telling him you are ready to talk ow and need to have a conversation. Don't turn this into a life-long thing.

Ah, come on... It's very clear from that message that I am expecting him to call or message. He knows what's expected, he's not a child.

I just wonder.... if your stepdad had not have sent that picture, followed up with them all sending pics... surely you would have found out eventually? You would probably be asking 'when did you do the registry office bit' and their reaction of shuffling feet and glancing at each other would've told you all you need to know.

I can't believe they all thought this could have been kept quiet. Surely not. These things have a way of revealing themselves...

I'm Team Baby Cheesus, and woke up thinking of you this morning, OP.

What does your daughter think would be the result of verbalising more fully how hurt you are? A fall out and lifelong estrangement? Would she be ok with that as well, or would it not include her? Does she care for these relatives?

I am glad you have her, she sounds great! Much better than your family of origin.

I also woke up thinking of OP this morning.

It's a basic issue of respect, or lack thereof. Makes me so angry.

I like the way a pp phrased it "They showed me where I was in the pecking order so I took myself out of it."

In life I've known several people who get a kick out of upsetting others where the other person isn't 'allowed' to stand up for themself. I've seen it particularly happen as a stress-release valve for people going through high pressure situations (eg illness, or perhaps a wedding as per here?)

The scapegoat is the dumping ground for all that tension, and the other person skips away feeling lighter.

I'll tell you who uses this method of stress-relief, absolute bastards, that's who.

@SweetBabyCheesus Your brother knows it’s on him to sort this out. My guess is he’ll pretend to be busy with wedding stuff and let it slide in the hope that you do to.
Unfortunately your mother is intricately weaved into this too……

Ive recently learned that people treat you the way you let them. I’m learning to walk away, leave a much bigger distance between myself and those that don’t truly value me. It’s hard, but ultimately I’m feeling much better.

Im also 54

It's the deliberate secrecy that I would find so upsetting, so I'm with you there SweetBabyCheesus. I'm of the view that your stepdad didn't know until late in the game that you weren't invited and sent you the photo of your Mum to tip you off, forcing the others' hands.

I wonder whether asking your DD to approach her uncle to explain to him just how hurt you are at this secrecy would help.

@DPotter
The only thing that will help is a genuine apology. Not a forced one. And future change of behaviour, ie.. not treating OP as their door mat

None of them are ever going to acknowledge how you feel or what they did was wrong.

I think moving forward it’s best to leave the ball in your brothers court and put some serious distance between you and your mother. She’s not getting involved but it was her and her partner who ignited the whole thing.

I've been thinking about you today and caught up on your posts. I'd heed Maya Angelou's advice here: "when people show you who they are, believe them."

The same goes for when they show you what you mean to them - or don't.

It's so painful to step away, I know that, but I hope you focus on those that care about you and show it. Your husband and children. Good friends.

As for your mum saying she's not getting involved? Laughable. Also hurtful. They're all counting on you to do what you've always done, which is make allowances for them. That way, they don't have to take responsibility for excluding you and being mean about it.

I really feel for you. It hurts like hell, this kind of realisation. Whatever you do, have your own wellbeing first in mind. You deserve more than this. Good luck.

You’re absolutely ok to be upset - I’m upset for you! Seems a bit confusing - & I don’t think they’ve excluded you to be hurtful - just thoughtless. Don’t wait for a response - call or visit :-)

Being thoughtless with her feelings is just as bad to be honest. Good old SweetBabyCheesus, we can do whatever we want around her because she's such a good egg she won't mind if we just keep this important/not important event totally secret from her. She'll bounce back and will carry on being the rest of the families sounding board and fixer.

There's no excuse to treat you like this OP. Feck the lot of them and to be honest I'd let your daughter have at them.

I notice your mother doesn't like to see you all arguing or not getting along. Does this normally mean it's you having to make allowences for the rest of them to keep the peace? Does she get onto the rest of them to make nice with you?

I have a friend who waited for an apology from an ex-boyfriend for a while - she knew it would never come. Eventually, she wrote herself a letter from him setting out precisely the apology he should have given and sent it to him.

Obviously, he never replied but she could then move on because she knew she had articulated and communicated precisely the way in which she had been hurt and that he could no longer hide from it.

I would be tempted to do something like this in your case: "Dear SweetBabyCheesus, I excluded you from an event that you should have been present at, I gaslit you when you were upset about it and then I stuck my head in the sand and hoped it would all go away. I have betrayed your love and I'm so sorry. I know things can never go back to what they were but I want you to know how deeply I regret having hurt you, love [name]".

You have been treated appallingly and I'm so sorry xxx

Wow, post resonates with me so much.
The same happened to me but not for a wedding.
I know how you feel, I have no suggestions as I'm going through very similar.

My brother and his wife visited from overseas, I was so excited to see them for the first time in years.

My sister and I don't talk, we haven't for about 20 years.

My mother organised a lunch to welcome my brother and his wife, she included every single member (16 people) of the family - except me.
When I asked why she said you that I should come over the following weekend and she would do a lunch for just me and them, I didn't go, I was too upset.
She said she didn't want to upset my sister, but it seems she didn't care about upsetting me.

I wasn't invited and only found out a couple of weeks before when I was chatting to an aunt who said she was going.

I've been going through hell thinking about it all, it goes around and around my head a lot.
I have always been so good to them all and considered my mum and dad very close, I love them.
I am now being gaslighted as if I mentioned how I feel - I am being dramatic but I cannot move forward without knowing why they have treated me this way.
So, I now know my place in the family.
It's horrible, I feel for you.