Am I being an absolute baby over this? Need some advice please

[SweetBabyCheesus]

Apologies, prepare yourselves, this is a long one!

I'm 54, & my brother is 45. We are really close, and I would consider him one of my best friends, and I thought he thought the same.

My brother is getting married abroad later in the year. His fiancée is from the country that they are marrying in, although she lives with him in the UK. They have been together for about 12 years, I think. We all get on great.

A few weeks ago, midweek, my stepdad sent me a pic of my mum all dressed up. I sent my mum a message asking where she was going looking so glam - and she replied that she was going to my brother's wedding in London. Then said that it was just a formality and they had to do this to enable the wedding in the autumn abroad. My mum and stepdad were there, my sister was there as she can't go to the 'proper' wedding, and my brother's fiancée (wife!)'s parents and brother were there (from their home country).

I was at this point really confused, because despite having spoken to my brother in the last couple of weeks - NOBODY has mentioned this to me at all. Not a word. I speak to my mum at least once a week too.

Then they all started sending me pics, of the wedding at the registry office, pics on the steps of the happy couple, and pics of the meal that they all went to afterwards - and now I'm really starting to feel hurt.

Later in the evening, my brother sent me a pic of them signing the register, saying something along the lines of "just the formal bit before the actual wedding!"

I replied "Congratulations!! Looks like you've all had a lovely day!! ❤️❤️ xxx"
He replied back "Have I done something? That sounded a little clipped"
I messaged him back saying I was absolutely gutted that I knew nothing about this, and that I wasn't invited, and that I really didn't want to spoil his day, so could we speak another time?
I am still waiting for a response, almost 3 weeks later.

I need some opinions. I'm not one for conflict, but I also won't walk away from confrontation if needed. I am beyond hurt. Everyone else in my close family was there apart from me. Her parents flew in from another country, and I wasn't even invited.

My brother is quite a difficult person, but we understand each other and accept each other warts and all. I love him dearly, and he knows that - and trust me, if I had done this to him, he would never forgive me.

I cannot understand in what world, ANY of them couldn't have thought that this would hurt me. My mum thinks that he just 'forgot' to tell me because it wasn't a big deal - but it was enough of a big deal for everyone to dress up, all go out for dinner, and take loads of pictures... Without me.

The point also needs to be made that the message I sent to my brother was in no way "clipped". His message to me smacks of a guilty conscience. So why didn't he invite me?

I'm stuck in this awful limbo of wanting to get this sorted out, but at the same time, I'm sick of smoothing things over to the detriment of my own feelings. Why should I message him again? Why should I fork out thousands of pounds that I honestly don't have, to go to a wedding of someone that apparently cares so little about me?

Am I being unreasonable to be so hurt? Am I being a massive drama queen? Am I making it all about me?

I'm just gutted.

I'm so sorry you are going through this OP. But sometimes you have to take a step back and realise that it's not you, it's them. The fact that they didn't bother to discuss it with you like adults, then sending you photos and telling you that you are being clippy says it all.
I'll give you an example. On my wedding day my sister was my MOH. I booked a hair appointment for us both on the day. The stylist came free and called me forward - and my sister got up and went in to get her hair done first. The other stylist was running late so my hair wasn't done properly. Back at the house she was fussing about her dress and insisting I helped her. I was already on the back foot because of my late hair appointment. I should have put my foot down but didn't, ever the peace maker. When the cars arrived we went downstairs, I didn't feel ready but hey the cars were there and we had to go - and my father told my sister how lovely she looked. He said absolutely nothing to me.
It was an eye opening experience and I am now NC with my sister and was very LC with my dad before he died. I regret nothing. They showed me where I was in the pecking order so I took myself out of it.

@SweetBabyCheesus If and when you have the energy, Anne Fine's novel Our Precious Lulu turns on an almost parallel incident, and you might find it an insightful read. The family set up isn't an exact match, but the dynamics of the reliable one/the emotionally careless mother/the culprit are very similar. I hope you can find the right way forward for yourself in this horrible situation.

Yes, tell him what to do with his wedding. I know you feel that this may cause a feud (and in all fairness, it probably will) but could you go, swallow down your hurt and humiliation and not say anything? I couldn't. As for your mum being upset? Well, she hasn't been very bothered about whether you've been upset and she'll just have to live with it.

I don't blame you for feeling unloved. These actions are careless and lazy at best and cruel at worst.

Being the peacemaker? They don't deserve to have you smoothing things over so they can all feel fine so fuck that.

You have every right to feel betrayed and unloved. I would. And I don't know if I could be the bigger person in this situation. Maybe I would be able to go to the wedding but unless there was a lot of something happening from my brother's side, I think the relationship would be damaged forever. I would feel similarily about my mother in this scenario. Although the main culprit is your brother.

But it won’t be a real wedding now they are already married. I’d be devastated OP. I’m sorry this happened to you.

It's not a wedding if they're already married.

It doesn't excuse the fact that they just should have TOLD the op.

YADNBU. I’d be devastated. Really sorry that this happened to you.

That would sort of work if all the important people hadn't turned up to the "fake", i.e. the real and legal wedding.

I completely understand how you feel as I wasn’t invited to my own fathers wedding. We also were not invited to the celebration in this country two weeks later… that was just her side of the family - despite my father having three children of his own.

I have had to accept it and just move on, otherwise it would have just eaten me up inside and life is too short - not to have my beloved dad in it. it was incredibly upsetting at the time - I honestly don’t think he realised how sad it was for me, especially when we are so close.

i can totally understand why you are angry and upset - your feeling are entirely valid but sometimes people are people, they can be just crap - and not always consider others. The fact that he sent you a message with a picture afterwards - says to me he had no idea at all you’d care about being invited - could this be because this wedding meant so little to him - because it’s all about the big day later? Sometimes people can be so hurtful, but is this really worth perusing and falling out possibly long term? He has said it’s a formality for him. Whilst it’s hurtful and upsetting can you take it for what he said and move on at the sake of your long term relationship?

For me the relationship would win out, life is too short and I care about far too few people for feuds.

OP is fed up of being the 'bigger person'. The family know how upset she is and not one single person has reached out to her to check that she is OK. Not one single apology has been made. Her brother has ignored her message and her mum is totally minimising what has happened and is refusing to 'get involved', even though she has been massively involved in the behaviour that has finally broken OP.

The convoluted explanations that some posters are coming up with to absolve OP's family from any responsibility/blame for excluding OP from the wedding are verging on farcical.

Her mother's behaviour is as bad as her brother's and neither of them, knowing how upset she is, have reached out to explain/apologise or to comfort her. Her mum, who completely relies on OP for emotional support, doesn't want to 'get involved', having been instrumental in causing OP such pain. How on earth can she not take it personally? She was the only member of her close family not to be invited and the rest of them, particularly her mother, colluded to keep the wedding a secret.

Really difficult. Your brother knew, hence the reaction. You are used to your feelings being overlooked and they are used to getting away with it. I guess there is some rationale here as to why you weren’t included (in their minds at least) but they knew you would be upset, so no one told you. Then pretended all was normal and fine with pics and text.

I wonder if they ever intended to tell you and stepdad sent that photo to you blowing their cover. Then they had to go along with it and also send photos acting like it as fine .

Also their whole argument was that it WASN’T his ‘special day’ 🙄

I think OP’s mum is trying to protect her husband as it was his stupidity (aside from the actual event which is obv the main issue) that has caused this problem, the potential fallout and all the future repercussions. When they found out he’d sent OP the photo can you imagine the panic that would have ensued? The discussions? The potential arguments?

Much better and easier to deal with to put on a united front where there’s safety in numbers and shove all the responsibility onto OP for being unreasonable at being upset they went behind her back and deliberately left her out of the SPECIAL day.

Her mum presumably feels she can handle OP from a distance but has to live with this idiotic tit for the rest of her life.

You are handling it very well. I’d have driven the 150 miles just to stand outside his house making rude gestures towards the windows and covering his car windows with post-it notes! Then I would have left the family WhatsApp group and cancelled the flights & hotel booking for the fake wedding.

Well tbh you could say that the decision has already been made by them all by excluding you with no explanation.

That is what they think of you.

"Have I done something?"

"Yes you thoughtless twat you got married without inviting me!"

(Is probably how I would have handled it😊)

YANBU to be hurt.

Anyone would be to see all their family together, dressed up and having a lovely time at an occasion they knew nothing about. Even if it wasn’t a wedding, but just a regular get together.

It may not be a deliberate snub. These things can escalate and some people (especially men) aren’t very good at thinking it through or putting themselves in other people’s shoes.

It’s possible they were going for a quick, low key registration, as many people do when the main wedding celebration isn’t legally binding. They may have asked your mum and stepdad to come along as witnesses. Then, it may have been suggested your sister attend as she can’t make the main celebration. At some point the PILs decided to pay a pre wedding visit and decided to coincide it with the registration, especially if they knew your mum and sister were going, they perhaps wanted to be there for their daughter.

I’ve seen these things escalate for friends. They just want a quick register office wedding. Just the two of them. No fuss. No dressing up. And the next thing people are turning up all dressed up, ordering cakes, confetti, asking if a niece can be a bridesmaid, suggesting a meal afterwards etc.

The bit that isn’t so understandable is why none of them told you at any point. Why keep it secret if that was their reasoning for not inviting you? Maybe they didn’t want it escalating further. It’s possible they didn’t want you to feel expected to travel all that way for what (in your brother’s mind) was a non-event when you were already attending the main wedding.

It most likely thoughtlessness. But, once your brother realised how excluded and hurt it made you feel to not even know, why not at that point say he feels terrible and he’s sorry, rather than blanking you? Possibly (from his pov) because he’s tired of the whole stress of the wedding plans and other people’s demands and expectations, when it should be about him and his DP.

My guess is he’s a person who struggles with empathy and to admit his thoughtlessness has hurt someone else. Perhaps your mum, too. My family are like that and often make me feel I make a big deal out of things that don’t matter, when they’ve actually been thoughtless twats without basic courtesy, who don’t have the good grace to say sorry they were thoughtless.

What I’ve learnt is don’t take it personally if your family aren’t the most switched on. If it’s thoughtlessness rather than deliberate nastiness, I’ve learned to let it go. Their problem to solve, not mine.

I’d still go to the main wedding.

I have lots of experience of a ‘I don’t want to get involved’ mother.

’Keep out of it’ parents tend to make things a whole lot worse, often resulting in damaging sibling rifts, where they inadvertently end up caught in the middle.

IMHO parenting shouldn’t stop when your kids turn 18. Parents should expect to always be there as the diplomat, gently helping their kids to think of each other, see each others’ point of view and apologise if they cause hurt, even if not intentionally. Your mum’s enabling your brother’s thoughtless behaviour, quite possibly because she has lower expectations of him because he’s a man.

My own extremely imperfect father specialised in telling me all the things I did wrong in relation to my brother, who himself is pretty imperfect, and then responding ‘I don’t want to get involved, I just want you to get along’ if I attempted to offer my own perspective. It’s enraging.

I see OP is still getting advice from posters telling her to move on, don’t take it personally, go to the other wedding etc. In other words, get over herself.

Well FUCK that.

Because OP quite rightly does not want to be the family doormat, pushover, peacemaker and recipient of uncaring, gaslighting and narcissistic behaviour. Her mother is complicit in all this despicable shitshow too, and I’d be taking a LC stance with her.

If there is a huge show of contrition from the guilty family members, then I would possibly consider moving forward somewhat peacefully. Otherwise, NFW.

I’d also consider letting your wonderful-sounding DD give it to them with both barrels, because I know my adult DC would do the same for me.

I think all the replies on here have made you find your anger.
Don't make any decisions -eg a time limit on him apologising , not engaging with him - while you're so angry.
You absolutely should be angry but it's not a good place to redefine your life.
I had a similar moment with a brother but I chose to make contact with him .
I did it soon after the event because I knew my rage would grow and harden and then I'd never be able to be in contact with him .
I also did it because I wanted to take the moral high ground .
You sound nicer than me so I suspect occupying the moral high ground isn't a thing for you .
And anyway you're already so so much nicer than them.
In your shoes I would write to your brother.
I would be very careful to avoid a long term falling out. You will go forward with a different relationship and won't feel the same but please try and stay in touch .
Honestly when you're in your 70s and 80s you do not want to be estranged.

@CityofOliveBranch I understand your sentiments.

But it’s not necessarily being a doormat to rise above thoughtless people’s behaviour and set your own standards for yourself.

I carry on being polite, conciliatory and thoughtful. Because I can control my behaviour and that’s the standard I set for myself.

But I have pretty low expectations of my family’s behaviour. I can’t do anything about it, other than calmly tell them I think they’ve been inconsiderate and how that’s made me feel. That’s all I can do. What they do with that info is up to them. It doesn’t bother me anymore because I know I meet my own standards.

The alternative is rifts, stand-offs and constant squabbles that are even more upsetting to me and wider family members.

I agree. There are ways OP can handle this that are more subtle and powerful than the MN ideology of blow it all up and never speak to them again. She's understandably hurt right now, and absolutely deserves an explanation and apology from her family, but every update from her makes me think estrangement will hurt her more in the long run. This is her life, not a soap opera.