Am I being an absolute baby over this? Need some advice please

[SweetBabyCheesus]

Apologies, prepare yourselves, this is a long one!

I'm 54, & my brother is 45. We are really close, and I would consider him one of my best friends, and I thought he thought the same.

My brother is getting married abroad later in the year. His fiancée is from the country that they are marrying in, although she lives with him in the UK. They have been together for about 12 years, I think. We all get on great.

A few weeks ago, midweek, my stepdad sent me a pic of my mum all dressed up. I sent my mum a message asking where she was going looking so glam - and she replied that she was going to my brother's wedding in London. Then said that it was just a formality and they had to do this to enable the wedding in the autumn abroad. My mum and stepdad were there, my sister was there as she can't go to the 'proper' wedding, and my brother's fiancée (wife!)'s parents and brother were there (from their home country).

I was at this point really confused, because despite having spoken to my brother in the last couple of weeks - NOBODY has mentioned this to me at all. Not a word. I speak to my mum at least once a week too.

Then they all started sending me pics, of the wedding at the registry office, pics on the steps of the happy couple, and pics of the meal that they all went to afterwards - and now I'm really starting to feel hurt.

Later in the evening, my brother sent me a pic of them signing the register, saying something along the lines of "just the formal bit before the actual wedding!"

I replied "Congratulations!! Looks like you've all had a lovely day!! ❤️❤️ xxx"
He replied back "Have I done something? That sounded a little clipped"
I messaged him back saying I was absolutely gutted that I knew nothing about this, and that I wasn't invited, and that I really didn't want to spoil his day, so could we speak another time?
I am still waiting for a response, almost 3 weeks later.

I need some opinions. I'm not one for conflict, but I also won't walk away from confrontation if needed. I am beyond hurt. Everyone else in my close family was there apart from me. Her parents flew in from another country, and I wasn't even invited.

My brother is quite a difficult person, but we understand each other and accept each other warts and all. I love him dearly, and he knows that - and trust me, if I had done this to him, he would never forgive me.

I cannot understand in what world, ANY of them couldn't have thought that this would hurt me. My mum thinks that he just 'forgot' to tell me because it wasn't a big deal - but it was enough of a big deal for everyone to dress up, all go out for dinner, and take loads of pictures... Without me.

The point also needs to be made that the message I sent to my brother was in no way "clipped". His message to me smacks of a guilty conscience. So why didn't he invite me?

I'm stuck in this awful limbo of wanting to get this sorted out, but at the same time, I'm sick of smoothing things over to the detriment of my own feelings. Why should I message him again? Why should I fork out thousands of pounds that I honestly don't have, to go to a wedding of someone that apparently cares so little about me?

Am I being unreasonable to be so hurt? Am I being a massive drama queen? Am I making it all about me?

I'm just gutted.

I feel like I understand how this could've happened with your brother but I'm really scratching my head about your mum. How could she have let this play out and not mention anything to you? Were they going to hide the whole thing and slipped up? The fact she doesn't see how you'd be hurt just baffles me. It'd be bad enough if it was a birthday or something but a wedding ! I'd let your daughter tell them how hurt you are and point out how odd their reactions are tbh.

I think he probably feels ,guilty ,ashamed, and pretty sad at what he's done. But he also sounds, stubborn and pigheaded. Sadly he's not had the courage to talk to you.

OK, so don't rush into anything. Go very quiet on your family. That'll probably be easy with your siblings but I would back off on the frequency and length of phone calls etc with your mum too. Be less available as someone said.

Explore the options for changing or cancelling the wedding trip abroad, and any dates when this would need to be done by.

And wait. Silence is powerful as it allows you to have space, and your family to think over their actions, without having a response they've goaded out of you to react to. Let them sit with your silence for a bit and see what they do.

I would put the pictures up on fb, tag them both and say “congratulations to x and y on your wedding. Obviously you’re having the party later but thought people would want to congratulate you on already being married.”
His sending you pictures was a deliberate message to let you know you weren’t wanted at the wedding. Well two can play that one.

I live 150 miles away, and have done for the last 20 years. Part of choosing to move away was because I always felt like less than the other two.

OP this was almost a throwaway in the middle of a longer post. But think about it. How much of the relationship you thought you had has been the result of years of you smoothing things over, apologising for things that weren't your fault, keeping silent, accepting their second (or third) best treatment of you?

I suspect if you look back on it you will see that this has been death by a thousand cuts - but this one has been a stiletto to the heart. You say you are straddling feeling betrayed and an epiphany. I hope you choose the latter. You have others around you who care for you, focus on them and not the people who are supposed to love you but see you as a sideshow and a punchbag.

Edited - I think it might help you to read this book. It's often thought that it's about women who love abusive men, but actually it's about all relationships.
Women Who Love Too Much: Amazon.co.uk: Norwood, Robin: 8601300074283: Books

Don’t post anything on social media. They’ll use it to bolster any defence they think they have. Stay silent and dignified until he contacts you privately.

Depending on how dense they are, it might not register.

When my husband's daughter failed to invite him to the granddaughter's 18th (and I strongly suspect that she simply didn't want to have to organise accessible accommodation) she had several photos up on FB, including "Dysfunctional family on tour."

I commented: "But isn't one member of the blended family missing? Poor [name of their rescue dog] left at home!"

No reaction from any of them... There might have been a 'like' - I can't remember now - but there was certainly no comment from any of the crew.

I wouldn't dream of posting anything on social media. Not my style, don't worry!

Sorry OP, that's not great. I also think he's feeling embarrassed and has no real excuse.

Don't post on social media, I'd wait for a reply from him. Don't chase.

Oh OP How incredibly hurtful
This must've been planned for weeks
Perhaps your brother hasn't replied because there is no reply which would explain such heartbreaking behaviour
I would do nothing for now
I couldn't get past this. It speaks volumes about their feelings about you

This seems to be a recurring motif, that you seldom actually meet up in person with your family, that contact is remote e.g. through the phone. I think that you might have an idealised view of them and your relationships; your 'epiphany' is that they are not the people that you hoped they were.

Look after yourself, and put you and your DP/DC first.

This is truly awful, how he can even consider doing this is horrifying!

Like you say, all that was needed was a grown up conversation.

However, I think he’s a bit shocked you didn’t react well, he expected you to roll over and gush congratulations.

Im not sure I’d want to spend ££££ on a fake wedding in another country and wonder how the other guests feel about going now they are already married! Flaming cheek of it!!!

I would defiantly back out of a party abroad. Totally pointless. I would also now feel uncomfortable being there.

You can turn yourself inside out trying to work out why he/they did it but sometimes people are just arseholes. If NONE of them can see why you are upset there is something wrong with them all. If they did not think you would be bothered (and why would you not be bothered being the only one not invited) - why did they all keep it secret?

Even if they did not mean to upset you - they know now they have and should be falling over themselves to apologise - your brother especially.
I would not be paying to travel abroad to there other wedding.
The rift is caused now and it shouldn't be up to you to do anything other than express your feelings of hurt, disappointment, anger and lack of fucking respect shown to you.

ooof, OP! I am so glad there has been so much sympathy for you. Agree with others, this is one of the most shocking situations I’ve ever read on mumsnet or anywhere else for that matter. It’s a body blow, even vicariously.
You are bound to be in such pain, my heart goes out to you. You really didn’t deserve this. What is so awful is just how little they seem to care that they’ve hurt you. It’s very cruel of them.
Focus on the people in your life who love you and are nice to you. One day I promise you will look back and see this as a release. Let your brother go. Then let your mother go. Trust that there is a better life for you without them in it.

i am really late to this thread @SweetBabyCheesus but you have done a great job of dealing with this and you are entirely right to be feeling the way you are.

My only addition to the pages of excellent posts and advice is that I think you perhaps need to reassess what you think it means to be emotionally close to family because what you describe isn’t it in my opinion.

It seems it’s you always being the bigger person, placating someone else, making allowances and that shows no one considers you as much as you consider them.

The reasons for that will be complex of course but it doesn’t change the fact.

In a healthy family you would never have been left out if there was no significant rift or backstory. If your brother was a twit but your mother was decent she’d have said ‘what do you mean you haven’t invited Cheesus? John - pick up the phone and sort it out or no one is coming’ but the utter inability of anyone to address this is actually shocking.

Im afraid after years being a part of a toxic family I no longer take the high road. I am low road all the way. Fuck them. I’m happier for it. You will be too.

I'd be heartbroken if I'm honest 💔

He needs to sort out his story - either the day didn't matter and the OP not being asked or told about it isn't an issue, OR, her finding out and being upset is spoiling his day. It can't be both, can it!?

This nearly happened to me with my nephew's wedding. I've always been very close to my niece and nephew. Nephew was first wedding of that generation. I was invited to the show wedding, I was aware there had to be a reg office thing but was led to believe it was just the two of them and two mates, no dressing up or anything.

Then my sister starts talking about it and how she has to plan two outfits, not one.

Eventually, maybe a week before, someone said "isn't VGD coming?" And I got a hurried text. It really fucked up my plans, having booked a hotel for the wedding night, and a different one the night before which was on the way. It was too short notice for dp to get the day off work so he couldn't come (I was never sure if he was invited anyway).
I managed it, it cost me a lot more money and was a LOT of hassle, and more hassle for dp as well.
But the thing that got me was that EVERYONE was there. The had all known for ages, booked cottages to share etc. There was a dinner afterwards. I was very clearly just forgotten. And it was extremely hurtful.

But, like the OP, I am seen as the organised, resilient, holds everyone together one. My sister is the "falls apart if someone blinks the wrong way" one (we were all nc with my brother again the time, but that's a different issue.). So I think they all just assume I'll be alright no matter what.

You asked him to wait and speak at another time so as not to spoil his day.
So he’s using that request from you to do just that. He was also outraged by your audacity (as he sees it) of daring to upset him by pointing out his offence and by telling him you were upset about it.

The longer the wait now, the less likely he is to do anything at all. In the end, waiting gives him the excuse that you aren’t bothered. And that you are ignoring him and spoiling things for him.

I fear you could be waiting still when you should be making travel arrangements for the overseas event which will become even more awkward for you.

Your mum doesn’t want to get involved. She fears being seen to be on your side, knowing he will just as easily lose his temper and cast her out too.

OP, I still think there is only one person in this sorry scenario who might help you. I think that as your step dad was the one to send you the first photo clue, you should ask him directly why you weren’t invited and at what point did he know you weren’t invited and had your mum been upset about it…and what exactly had been said. Then once you understand the betrayal a bit more, you can decide what to do….whether to ask him to make an intervention to your brother or whether to ask him to let your brother know you won’t be going to the wedding, or whether to resolve to let it all go and simply withdraw from them all, wedding and all (which is what I would be strongly inclined to do anyway, -but easier said than done I know)

I think if you don’t act, your brother definitely won’t act.
The waiting is really damaging you emotionally. How long are you prepared to wait? You need to know how your brother came to his decision and why and what your mum thought about that.

If, deep in your heart, you really do still want to go to that wedding event overseas with your family then this lack of communication isn’t going to help resolve this and you will have to be the one to break the impasse somehow.

) Oops close bracket.

Op, I’ll tell you about my recent experience with one of my family members, perhaps you’ll find some similarities with how you feel.

My only living relative other than my sibilings is my aunt, my dead mother’s sister. She lives in another European country. Since my mother died I really tried to maintain a connection with her. I always initiate contact, I often invite her to come visit me (she always ignores my invitations) and I go visit her (she never invites me but I go because I thought, in my naivety, that she wants to maintain our relationship as much as I do). There have been sign over the years that the ‘love’ wasn’t mutual, but I chose to ignore these because it was too painful to allow myself to acknowledge them. For example one year she was feeling low and asked me to go visit her, but she cancelled my visit after I bought my flight ticket because her daughter went to visit her so she didn’t need me anymore… I had always put these things behind me because I thought forgiving and forgetting was better than not having an aunt at all.

It all unravelled last weekend. I contacted her to check how she was, like I always do, and she told me she was on holiday in another country wirh one of her nieces (not blood related, even though this doesn’t actually matter). I immediately felt intense pain, rejection. She went on holiday abroad with her other niece (not for the first time), but she has never even responded to my suggestions to meet, either in her country or mine. All the feelings I had suppressed for years came to the surface. It’s like a veil had been lifted and I clearly saw how her behaviour from previous years showed that she didn’t care about me. I felt such grief. And then I started to question my behaviour, to doubt myself, to analyse everything I had said or done to make her dislike me. Perhaps I had been too much of this or that… Silly me.
And then, finally, I accepted the reality. You can’t force someone to love you and, for whatever reason, she doesn’t. I may not be perfect but I am who I am, and if someone doesn’t want me in their life I shouldn’t force them. Or perhaps I have been too good, perhaps my consistent attempts to maintain our relationship meant that she didn’t have to make any efforts with me so she put her efforts into nurturing other relationships. Forcing this relationship would only continue to hurt me as I’ll constantly see signs that she doesn’t care about me. It won’t benefit either of us. So I’ve decided to let go and Omg, I feel much better. I’m still sad but i no longer feel hurt and conflicted. I’m not going to make a big scene or send some big message, I’ll just withdraw. I won’t initiate contact, I will stop making an effort…I’m sure that eventually we’ll stop being in touch. I just have to imagine that my mother was a single child, or that my aunt also died. But I feel relieved to finally have an outcome to the turmoil I have been going through for ages.

Your brother not responding to your message when he was the one hurting you by not inviting you to his wedding is so unacceptable. He clearly has no empathy or respect for you but you can have respect for yourself. I’m sure the reason you feel so hurt about the current situation is because there has been an underlying uncaring behaviour on his/ their part for a long time, which you’ve been trying to suppress, just like I did. If I was you I wouldn’t go to the wedding abroad. Don’t make some big deal out of it, don’t give them reasons to make you the bad guy. Just say you’re having some personal issues and you can’t go. Then withdraw slowly and only give back the same amount of love and attention that they give you. Before long, you will realise exactly how they feel about you, and you can at least start to grieve the loss of a family, rather than making excuses for them when your instinct is probably screaming at you that things are not right!

I think you should message your "d"b. If it was me, it'd be something like
"I want you to know how hurt and left out I feel. Not just by you and (new wife), but by the rest of the family as well. Someone should have had the decency to tell me ahead of time.

Instead, I learned of it when people were mean-spirited enough to send me photos and videos of your wife's and all of your family (except me) eating and celebrating. Just an extra touch of cruelty.

You're intelligent; you must have realised the omission was certain to hurt me, but you did it anyway. All of you did.

I was not "clipped" in my congratulations on your wedding, but I can assure you, my tone is clipped now. I have no idea why I wasn't invited or even told about your first and legal marriage ceremony.

I've reassessed our relationship and my place in the family. As it stands, it's very apparent that I mean much less to all of you than I realised. In future. I'll make sure to match the same level of love and care that you've shown to me.

If you care enough to try and explain, you know how to reach me."

Have whatever you write ready to go; copy and paste and then send. And that's all, unless your brother responds. Leave it with him.

This way you can be clear about what they've done and how you feel. You'll keep your dignity intact.

Even if he chooses to ignore, he'll know.

It was such a shitty thing for him (all of them, really) to do.❤️

OP I think this is very very sensible and likely what happened.

What’s not okay is that your brother hasn’t just apologised to you, but he could also now be on a high horse of “I can’t believe she’s made this all about her on my special day!” Etc now which might explain things if he’s a difficult character generally.

I don’t think this is worth ruining family relationships over. Just move on - don’t assume and don’t take it personally, as hard as that is.

I think it’s unfair to call the wedding in another country “fake” - plenty of people do the registry in UK and then the ceremony and party overseas as it’s a ball ache to organise an official wedding overseas.

I’m so sorry, OP. Their behaviour is awful. I think your mum and stepdad, and probably your brother too, realise this is hurtful; when they’re confronted by your feelings, they attempt to minimise it and turn it around to make you believe you’re overreacting.

As for your brother being direct and saying what he means (I think that’s what you said), he isn’t actually being direct or straightforward. I suspect he might be blunt and, reading between the lines, on occasion, rude. If he were truly direct and straightforward, he’d apologise or at least reply to your text with a reason.

You said he is confrontational and if you confronted him there would be a row, but you have told him how you feel, and he hasn't been confrontational, he's been icy cold.

You sound like a really kind and reasonable person, and they have treated you appallingly. Shame on them. In your position, I’d consider taking a step back from them until either you can move past it (and I wouldn’t blame you if you couldn’t) or they apologise. I definitely wouldn't pour my heart out in a letter if he can't even man up enough to reply to a text.

If I’d done something so thoughtless (being charitable that it was just thoughtlessness) and my sibling told me they were hurt, I’d be tripping over myself to apologise and explain. I think they’re just showing they don’t care—and you really don’t deserve that.

I also agree with the other posters that your brother's response to your very nice message was odd. He knew you would feel pushed out. He was just waiting for you to say something. That feels very nasty.

Is this really the first time he's done something like this? Because from this I'd expect it to be a pattern of behaviour and some of your other posts suggest it could be. You say you're both fiery – I think it's time to show him some of that fire.

I feel like they are all trying to wind you up. Don't let the bastards get you down!

You've got your own lovely family with your DP and children. I'd focus on yourself and your immediate family for a while and enjoy it.

PS Your daughter sounds awesome :)