Am I being an absolute baby over this? Need some advice please

[SweetBabyCheesus]

Apologies, prepare yourselves, this is a long one!

I'm 54, & my brother is 45. We are really close, and I would consider him one of my best friends, and I thought he thought the same.

My brother is getting married abroad later in the year. His fiancée is from the country that they are marrying in, although she lives with him in the UK. They have been together for about 12 years, I think. We all get on great.

A few weeks ago, midweek, my stepdad sent me a pic of my mum all dressed up. I sent my mum a message asking where she was going looking so glam - and she replied that she was going to my brother's wedding in London. Then said that it was just a formality and they had to do this to enable the wedding in the autumn abroad. My mum and stepdad were there, my sister was there as she can't go to the 'proper' wedding, and my brother's fiancée (wife!)'s parents and brother were there (from their home country).

I was at this point really confused, because despite having spoken to my brother in the last couple of weeks - NOBODY has mentioned this to me at all. Not a word. I speak to my mum at least once a week too.

Then they all started sending me pics, of the wedding at the registry office, pics on the steps of the happy couple, and pics of the meal that they all went to afterwards - and now I'm really starting to feel hurt.

Later in the evening, my brother sent me a pic of them signing the register, saying something along the lines of "just the formal bit before the actual wedding!"

I replied "Congratulations!! Looks like you've all had a lovely day!! ❤️❤️ xxx"
He replied back "Have I done something? That sounded a little clipped"
I messaged him back saying I was absolutely gutted that I knew nothing about this, and that I wasn't invited, and that I really didn't want to spoil his day, so could we speak another time?
I am still waiting for a response, almost 3 weeks later.

I need some opinions. I'm not one for conflict, but I also won't walk away from confrontation if needed. I am beyond hurt. Everyone else in my close family was there apart from me. Her parents flew in from another country, and I wasn't even invited.

My brother is quite a difficult person, but we understand each other and accept each other warts and all. I love him dearly, and he knows that - and trust me, if I had done this to him, he would never forgive me.

I cannot understand in what world, ANY of them couldn't have thought that this would hurt me. My mum thinks that he just 'forgot' to tell me because it wasn't a big deal - but it was enough of a big deal for everyone to dress up, all go out for dinner, and take loads of pictures... Without me.

The point also needs to be made that the message I sent to my brother was in no way "clipped". His message to me smacks of a guilty conscience. So why didn't he invite me?

I'm stuck in this awful limbo of wanting to get this sorted out, but at the same time, I'm sick of smoothing things over to the detriment of my own feelings. Why should I message him again? Why should I fork out thousands of pounds that I honestly don't have, to go to a wedding of someone that apparently cares so little about me?

Am I being unreasonable to be so hurt? Am I being a massive drama queen? Am I making it all about me?

I'm just gutted.

OP I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all, horrible behaviour from them all and your brother absolutely knew what he was doing. I think you were asking about how to handle this. Just tread carefully - you have every right to be angry, hurt and it’s really not your situation to rescue. But are you prepared to lose your brother over this. He sounds stubborn, less emotionally connected than perhaps you thought - it’s possible he’ll just leave things and not be in touch. Maybe that’s ok, but that’s a whole other level of hurt you’ll need to go through.

Perfectly reasonable. You weren’t snappy or off in your message at all. He had a guilty conscience.
I think you could potentially send a message now but really make him feel bad. No angry tone. Just how hurt you are and how you just can’t understand how keeping it from you wasn’t going to be hurtful.
He really should contact you but doesn’t look like he thinks he’s done anything wrong so spell it out to him and anyone else who thinks he hasn’t can fuck off.

But he knows me well enough to know that this could be make or break for our relationship - and yet still stays silent.

Totally YANBU

That is so thoughtless I can’t even -

I don’t understand how they could all have a nice joyful time without you, especially knowing that they’d kept you in the dark about not being invited. In your place that would hurt me terribly.
In this sort of situation I think telling people the truth about how they have made you feel is powerful . Tell your Mum and each sibling, what it says to you in Neon lights, about exactly how little you are valued and treasured. I am astonished firstly at your brother but then that your Mum and sister went along with this plan, it’s so unkind. And they have been absolutely traitorous in not telling your db how shit it is to not invite you, and in going along and supporting it.

That was horrible for them to leave you out and try to gaslight you that it wasn't a big deal. It was and you all know it. Your mother gets upset if you fall out? She can suck it up by enabling this really weird dynamic.

Your brother is not the close family member you thought he was. I would skip the wedding.

I'm really sorry. This must hurt like hell.

I think I'd write if it was my brother- it's possible it may be easier for him to then answer that than to face you in a conversation. I'd be very factual but clear, and focus on the secrecy side rather than the lack of an invitation. Despite what others have said, it could well be that the big celebration feels like the 'proper' wedding to them, rather than the legal one. He may truly feel it's more important for you to be at that.

My brother and I had a big fall out a few years ago at a family celebration. He subsequently sent me a nasty letter criticising me. I then emailed him explaining my point of view, of which he had no understanding at all, in minute detail. He then emailed me an apology saying he now understood.

However I was still so angry that it took me several months to feel up to contacting or seeing him again. But eventually the anger subsided and things got back to normal between us. (We have a history of occasional fierce arguments but this one hurt me the most.)

I'm the oldest of 3, and my brother is the youngest.

Welcome to the eldest daughter’s club. It’s a shit club with wonderful members.

Isn't it sickening that so many of us posters are saying we want to give the OP a hug and are feeling really upset on her behalf and yet her own family know she's upset and don't seem to be bothered? What a dreadful shock to realise that they can behave like this.

Hi OP, just to offer a little perspective as I had a very similar set up for my wedding. My DH is from a different country and we decided to have our ‘wedding’ there. For various reasons it was easier and cheaper to do the legal bit here in the UK ahead of time. We decided not to tell almost everyone as we didn’t want to ruin the magic of what we viewed as our real wedding abroad. We needed 2 witnesses so decided to invite my mum and brother for this reason and we also invited my DH’s dad who flew in for the occasion (DH is his only child and DH is closer to his dad than mum). We didn’t invite my step siblings or my DH’s half siblings, nor did we invite my dad, his mum or my brothers partner (who couldn’t make the abroad wedding). There were a few reasons for this:

1. we wanted to keep the magic for our big day, e.g. I wore a white dress I already owned and no one except our 3 guests even knew it happened until we announced it at the altar at our big wedding
2. it felt all or nothing - invite 1 step or half sibling or partner and we’d need to invite them all
3. we picked the one up from smallest wedding (only 2 guests allowed in smallest) so we had a max capacity of 9 guests - keeping costs down and low key. This capacity will vary depending on council/venue.

I think the approach your brother has taken is weird at best, ie if you are going to keep it secret and not tell you before to not ruin the magic, but then why send you pictures on the day. Maybe he didn’t plan to and your mum jumped the gun? There might have been a capacity restriction. I wonder whether he thought they’d keep it a secret and then the reality on the day was that was unrealistic given how many people were there and now he’s had to back peddle. Regardless, his management of the situation is terrible.

My oldest sister is like this - contrary to what a PP said, in my family my siblings are all difficult people (losing jobs, marriages, friendships and sometimes liberty along the way) while I, the youngest, am the 'normal' one, went to uni, never in trouble with the law, stable relationships, etc. The emphasis was always on me going along to keep the peace. My oldest sister is particularly challenging, and will never apologize when she has done something awful. There is no point waiting for it - she just wont.

OP, if I were you, I would write to your brother. Read it again, again and then again. Take out any emotive language and stick to the facts. Then send it. Dont ask for any actions from him. Sometimes, if the pressure is off, my sister will come around to a place where she can apologize. But if she feels the slightest bit defensive and I confront her head on, it goes nuclear really quickly. I sometimes feel resentful that I have to handle her like this. But that doesnt get my anywhere.

That was absolutely terrible of them not to include you. I would feel hurt and dismissed. I wouldn't knock myself out to see any of them again. And how awful of your own mother to minimize it.

Right?? Exactly why I'm so grateful for this massive outpouring of empathy from complete strangers

Again, this is a lovely thought. But why should I yet again tiptoe around everyone else's feelings and push mine aside? I've done it my whole life, and it's wearing very thin.

Personally I think your mum could be minimising so as NOT to upset you - trying to console you that you haven't missed much. As a parent myself, that's the kind of thing I've done sometimes to help one child feel they haven't really missed out. Of course, it hasn't worked here, but it could be her way of trying to put things right (or a bit 'righter'), rather than intending to dismiss your feelings?

I think you should write to him - he likely won't contact you and if you just don't show up to the wedding the relationship will be gone forever. I'd just be factual - hello, was expecting to hear from you after my last message but haven't which makes me really sad. I feel XXX [set out feelings in a truthful way but as minimally dramatic as you can so it doesn't give him something to argue with]. The thing I am most sad about is that you didn't tell me anything when you must have known I'd be devastated by that - though od have been disappointed to miss the ceremony I'd have happily met you afterwards to share the joy at the wedding meal. Instead you didn't tell me it was happening and then haven't contacted me since. I really need to understand why.'

Hopefully he will apologise rather than just cone out fighting. I'd be devastated by this and like you for me tjw relationships would never be the same. I've had similar 'betrayals' by some in my family and consequently they will always emotionally be at an arm's length for me.

The more I read your posts, @SweetBabyCheesus , the lower my heart sinks

Their behaviour is completely and utterly shitty and there is no excuse for how they have behaved

In an ideal world I think you need to avoid the nuclear option of "having it out with him" if you can. Nothing will come of it and you will forever be painted as the one in the wrong

As for what happens now, perhaps you should take a leaf out of their book and just do what you like. If you want to contact him (either verbally or in writing) then do it; but equally if you want to just withdraw and not bother that's equally fine. Don't feel pressured into doing something. They have already shown you that they will do whatever the fuck they want to without considering anyone else so perhaps you should tentatively do the same?

Have there been any "normal" conversations with your mum over the last 3 weeks or have they all been about defending him?

Can't read the whole thread but just wanted to say you are definitely not being a baby over this!

When I got married we had a legal ceremony at the registry office and then our 'proper' wedding was the next day, the way we wanted it. Due to limited space we only invited family to the registry - but every parent, brother and sister was there, plus their partners and children. I wouldn't have dreamed of excluding anyone who was a direct relation - what a shitty thing to do!!!!

It was not a secret - in fact some of the wedding guests who were attending the next day turned up outside the registry and waved at us and took photos and stuff. It was actually really nice to see them!

I think sending you the photos was actually a pretty horrible thing to do too. I've had this happen when I was excluded from a wedding due to circumstances. Suddenly everyone in the family started sending photos and it just hurt my heart. I couldn't be there - don't rub my nose in it!!!!!!

I'm so sorry OP, this is just awful.

I wouldn't contact him. I'd make him have to make the first contact after doing such a hurtful thing. Why should you always be the one to keep the peace. He needs to show that HE cares enough. If he doesn't it is his loss.
I'd struggle to talk to any of them tbh and wouldn't want to make contact. I'd be perfectly pleasant if they did but I'd not be putting anything else into it.

You absolutely right. I want to have it all out with him, but I also know that no good will come of it.

My mum is just acting like nothing has happened. I spoke to her yesterday and she asked if I'd heard from him. I said I hadn't, and we are becoming dangerously close to falling out as a result.
She said "well I don't want to get involved"
As I said to her... YOU BROUGHT IT UP!

Whatever the outcome of all this, none of these relationships will ever be the same again for me.

OP there is your answer. It seems like either you capitulate and accept your brother’s behaviour, or he will write you off. If you have excused bad behaviour in the past from your family and smoothed it out, they will expect it again…the problem is over time, it can make a person mighty resentful. it isn’t great for self esteem either.

You told him how you felt and your messages were fine. If he wants to write, great, if not, great. I surely would not spend £1000s you don’t have to go the big wedding if he won’t contact you to explain what happened.

You do not have to put up with cruel behaviour, and that is what this was. Stand your ground. If other relatives say anything, just repeat what you think about it. Do not pander to your brother’s really poor behaviour.

understandable

• he is regarding the Autumn wedding as the real event.
• Your sister went because she isn’t travelling abroad.
• They wanted the parents there both sides
• limited numbers possibly

incomprehensible, unkind and thoughtless

• not telling you any of these things
• expecting you to just suck it up

How is your mum dealing with this? Has she apologised at all for keeping it a secret and not advocating on your behalf with your brother or does she still think that you are making a fuss about nothing?

You mentioned that you are the family peacemaker and the 'capable' one. Does you mum rely on you for help and support in a way that she doesn't expect from your siblings? If that is the case, I would definitely pull back from that role.

Maybe allow DD to speak to her grandma about this? She obviously knows you and understands the pain this has caused you. She is in a good position to facilitate communication. Or maybe DP?

@SweetBabyCheesus
Your comment:
Again, this is a lovely thought. But why should I yet again tiptoe around everyone else's feelings and push mine aside? I've done it my whole life, and it's wearing very thin.

I wondered if other things had happened, a pattern, with you being pushed aside. It's an awful time, but maybe a necessary time to reflect on your family dynamics. What they are v what you pretended or hoped?
People will treat you the way you let them. You deserve much better. 🩷