Am I being an absolute baby over this? Need some advice please

[SweetBabyCheesus]

Apologies, prepare yourselves, this is a long one!

I'm 54, & my brother is 45. We are really close, and I would consider him one of my best friends, and I thought he thought the same.

My brother is getting married abroad later in the year. His fiancée is from the country that they are marrying in, although she lives with him in the UK. They have been together for about 12 years, I think. We all get on great.

A few weeks ago, midweek, my stepdad sent me a pic of my mum all dressed up. I sent my mum a message asking where she was going looking so glam - and she replied that she was going to my brother's wedding in London. Then said that it was just a formality and they had to do this to enable the wedding in the autumn abroad. My mum and stepdad were there, my sister was there as she can't go to the 'proper' wedding, and my brother's fiancée (wife!)'s parents and brother were there (from their home country).

I was at this point really confused, because despite having spoken to my brother in the last couple of weeks - NOBODY has mentioned this to me at all. Not a word. I speak to my mum at least once a week too.

Then they all started sending me pics, of the wedding at the registry office, pics on the steps of the happy couple, and pics of the meal that they all went to afterwards - and now I'm really starting to feel hurt.

Later in the evening, my brother sent me a pic of them signing the register, saying something along the lines of "just the formal bit before the actual wedding!"

I replied "Congratulations!! Looks like you've all had a lovely day!! ❤️❤️ xxx"
He replied back "Have I done something? That sounded a little clipped"
I messaged him back saying I was absolutely gutted that I knew nothing about this, and that I wasn't invited, and that I really didn't want to spoil his day, so could we speak another time?
I am still waiting for a response, almost 3 weeks later.

I need some opinions. I'm not one for conflict, but I also won't walk away from confrontation if needed. I am beyond hurt. Everyone else in my close family was there apart from me. Her parents flew in from another country, and I wasn't even invited.

My brother is quite a difficult person, but we understand each other and accept each other warts and all. I love him dearly, and he knows that - and trust me, if I had done this to him, he would never forgive me.

I cannot understand in what world, ANY of them couldn't have thought that this would hurt me. My mum thinks that he just 'forgot' to tell me because it wasn't a big deal - but it was enough of a big deal for everyone to dress up, all go out for dinner, and take loads of pictures... Without me.

The point also needs to be made that the message I sent to my brother was in no way "clipped". His message to me smacks of a guilty conscience. So why didn't he invite me?

I'm stuck in this awful limbo of wanting to get this sorted out, but at the same time, I'm sick of smoothing things over to the detriment of my own feelings. Why should I message him again? Why should I fork out thousands of pounds that I honestly don't have, to go to a wedding of someone that apparently cares so little about me?

Am I being unreasonable to be so hurt? Am I being a massive drama queen? Am I making it all about me?

I'm just gutted.

And this too 👍

But the family wasn't apparently like that.
What family condones secrets and exclusions like this?

OP where is the new SiL in this, decision making, secrecy, lack of communication ?

I think you have absolutely every right to feel upset. I’m guessing they had a limit on the number of people they could have attending and for some reason they thought if they played it down and didn’t invite you, it would be fine. This was incredibly short sighted of them. They should have just spoken to you. You must feel very rejected by your whole family. I don’t think your mum is minimising your feelings though. If I were her I would feel very much caught in the middle and I wouldn’t want to detract from the couple’s happiness. You’ve told your brother what you think ( tbf I think you should have waited a day or two), and I think it’s fair to say he isn’t going to apologise. So what do you want to happen? This may be a hard pill to swallow but I think you need to move on from it if you want to maintain a relationship with your brother. One thing I have learned is that even our favourite people who we love the most will hurt us at some point and never ever take responsibility. Obviously it depends on what they do, but kn this case I think it’s okay to know you’ve been hurt and move on. Contact him and say hi. Life really is too short.

It's that all of them kept it a secret. The thought that they conspired to not tell you is what kills.

yes, sadly

My brother did this, without the foreign wedding. My father and his wife (my mum is no longer with us) and my brother’s wife’s parents and siblings were invited. I understand wanting to keep it small but I had no idea they were even getting married until dad sent a video of their vows. It hurt like hell so I fully get you OP!

This is awful OP. I don’t think I could make the first move here. It’s the fact that so many members of your family were ok with this and didn’t say "hang on a minute, what are we doing?"

Everything you’re feeling is entirely valid OP. Please don’t let anyone from your family tell you otherwise!
I, like many other posters, wouldn’t go to the abroad party, what they’ve done is truly horrible.

Thought: OP is nine years older. Is it possible brother is still thought of as the baby and perhaps, the golden child? And that older sister is more maternal than sibling to him? And he therefore takes her for granted, always has and occadionally just excludes her in other ways that get brushed off? No he's thrown a strop because she actually called him out?

I don't think I've read anything on here that's made me want to give the OP a hug as much as this.
I'm also the eldest of three, with a sister and (sometimes challenging) brother, both of whom I love dearly. I would be in absolute bits in your shoes. It really hurts my heart to even think about it.
It's the way that they all kept it secret, let you find out in the way you did and even now can't bring themselves to even acknowledge the hurt they caused you, intentionally or otherwise. Even worse, you're being treated like it's you that's in the wrong.
What would I do? I'd phone my brother on the basis of clearing the air before the 'wedding'. You deserve an explanation and the opportunity to tell him how you feel. You're upset, of course you might cry. But frankly if he responds with anything other than kindness and wanting to patch things up, then he's a childish prick who doesn't deserve a sister who clearly loves him as much as you do.
As for the rest of your family, I'd be letting them know that it's no longer OK to upset you to keep somebody else sweet - because that's what's happened here.
I hope they all manage to make amends for their complete disregard for your feelings and that you find it in your heart to forgive them x

@Differentbreed

Not to derail, but what did you do? That's so awful. 💔

I'm really sorry that I haven't been able to keep up and reply to everyone.

I truly, truly appreciate all of your kind words today.

I've been inwardly trying to sweep it under the carpet for the last couple of weeks, but it's a huge deal to me. I'm a really sentimental person, and to have missed my little brother's wedding has cut to the core. That's never going to happen again, nobody can go back in time, it's done.

The fact that he hasn't come to me to explain, or apologise, or even discuss it, is so far away from who I thought he was, that it really makes me question everything I thought about him.

I will never trust any of them ever again. If any of them owned it, and accepted my feelings as valid, it would be different - but by all accounts, it's much easier to just let me stew over it and not care.

I's so sorry @SweetBabyCheesus 🩷

I think your last post is very thoughtful - it has shattered your idea of who they were.

I am truly gutted for you.

when he was supposed to be celebrating his marriage

But according to him (et al) “It was JUST a formality!” (ad infinitum) 🙄

I think this is a very restrained and conciliatory message in the circumstances @SweetBabyCheesus - and makes your brothers subsequent silence even more baffling and hurtful. You couldn’t have been clearer that you didn’t want to hijack his day. I suspect he feels guilty and ashamed but is relying on self righteousness “she made my wedding all about her!” hence “wounded silence” to try and rewrite the narrative. Attack being the best form of defence…

OP I'm so sorry.
I feel from your replies that the main thing that has hurt you, that feels unforgivable, was that they all didn't tell you. I would be the same in your position.
If you do try to talk to any of them about it, I think it'll be good to try and focus on that as the truly hurtful thing.
They can all have plenty of excuses/reasons for you not being able to be there, it was just a formality, we needed equal numbers per side blah blah.
The issue is they decided not to tell you about it at all.
Why did they decide not to tell you?
Why did they think that wouldn't upset you?
This is the thing to try and understand from them, if you do decide to try.
They'll all keep trying to explain it away. Don't let them distract from the important questions.
Why did they decide not to tell you about it?
Why did they think not telling you wouldn't upset you?
💐

There could have been a limit on the numbers of people allowed in the registry office. My son got married recently and we were only allowed 10 people including the bride and groom in the ceremony.

You have a right to be hurt but speak to him and find out why you weren't invited

It's absolutely heartbreaking, SweetBabyCheesus. I'm so sorry you're going through this. You must feel so betrayed by them all, as well as bewildered that your brother has ignored your pain.

I’d be hurt. That was the actual wedding, they are now married. The formal bit is it, every thing else is a party.

Do They all live near each other ? (Except the wife’s parents) I can see how he might have thought just to invite his family close by if he didn’t really want to make a thing of it and some can’t make it to wedding abroad but it’s really really cruel of them all not to tell you until the day and to minimise your feelings. Anyone would be hurt by this. You deserve a sincere apology from all of them. Have none of them reached out and Atleast validated your feelings? This is really odd behaviour. To send you a photo as if you knew all about it but couldn’t come.

AHH OP , I don’t think this would be okay in anyone’s world..
That’s so upsetting & so fucking weird of all your Family !!!!
I don’t know what to say , only I read your post & felt really sorry for you x

Sorry, that's really hurtful. What absolutely thoughtless bastards. I'd feel thoroughly betrayed. <flowers>

My brother lives in London, and my parents and sister in Herts. I'm in Cheshire, not the other side of the world!

I replied "Congratulations!! Looks like you've all had a lovely day!! ❤️❤️ xxx"
He replied back "Have I done something? That sounded a little clipped"
I messaged him back saying I was absolutely gutted that I knew nothing about this, and that I wasn't invited, and that I really didn't want to spoil his day, so could we speak another time?
I am still waiting for a response, almost 3 weeks later.

You response was not 'a little clipped' at all. Far from it. It was a perfectly nice and magnanimous response. He is on the defensive. He was expecting you to be upset so he chose to goad you into a response that he can then take as you being huffy with him.