Am I being an absolute baby over this? Need some advice please

[SweetBabyCheesus]

Apologies, prepare yourselves, this is a long one!

I'm 54, & my brother is 45. We are really close, and I would consider him one of my best friends, and I thought he thought the same.

My brother is getting married abroad later in the year. His fiancée is from the country that they are marrying in, although she lives with him in the UK. They have been together for about 12 years, I think. We all get on great.

A few weeks ago, midweek, my stepdad sent me a pic of my mum all dressed up. I sent my mum a message asking where she was going looking so glam - and she replied that she was going to my brother's wedding in London. Then said that it was just a formality and they had to do this to enable the wedding in the autumn abroad. My mum and stepdad were there, my sister was there as she can't go to the 'proper' wedding, and my brother's fiancée (wife!)'s parents and brother were there (from their home country).

I was at this point really confused, because despite having spoken to my brother in the last couple of weeks - NOBODY has mentioned this to me at all. Not a word. I speak to my mum at least once a week too.

Then they all started sending me pics, of the wedding at the registry office, pics on the steps of the happy couple, and pics of the meal that they all went to afterwards - and now I'm really starting to feel hurt.

Later in the evening, my brother sent me a pic of them signing the register, saying something along the lines of "just the formal bit before the actual wedding!"

I replied "Congratulations!! Looks like you've all had a lovely day!! ❤️❤️ xxx"
He replied back "Have I done something? That sounded a little clipped"
I messaged him back saying I was absolutely gutted that I knew nothing about this, and that I wasn't invited, and that I really didn't want to spoil his day, so could we speak another time?
I am still waiting for a response, almost 3 weeks later.

I need some opinions. I'm not one for conflict, but I also won't walk away from confrontation if needed. I am beyond hurt. Everyone else in my close family was there apart from me. Her parents flew in from another country, and I wasn't even invited.

My brother is quite a difficult person, but we understand each other and accept each other warts and all. I love him dearly, and he knows that - and trust me, if I had done this to him, he would never forgive me.

I cannot understand in what world, ANY of them couldn't have thought that this would hurt me. My mum thinks that he just 'forgot' to tell me because it wasn't a big deal - but it was enough of a big deal for everyone to dress up, all go out for dinner, and take loads of pictures... Without me.

The point also needs to be made that the message I sent to my brother was in no way "clipped". His message to me smacks of a guilty conscience. So why didn't he invite me?

I'm stuck in this awful limbo of wanting to get this sorted out, but at the same time, I'm sick of smoothing things over to the detriment of my own feelings. Why should I message him again? Why should I fork out thousands of pounds that I honestly don't have, to go to a wedding of someone that apparently cares so little about me?

Am I being unreasonable to be so hurt? Am I being a massive drama queen? Am I making it all about me?

I'm just gutted.

I am also one of 3 with one brother & one sister, like you OP, and recognise so many elements of this with regard to the dynamics of my own family - I'm really sorry.

They hurt you and when you protest, you're "oversensitive" - this is so so familiar to me.
As you say, whatever you do now you'll be criticised.

In your position I'd wait for your brother to respond

YANBU! Have none of them watched Brother Bear? “Family means no-one gets left out” . They left you out and you are totally entitled to feel very hurt

Hey, hold on - I sent him a perfectly lovely congratulations. He wanted my reaction, and he got it.

My family can be inconsiderate (although not to this extent) and I know that if I had it out with any of them, it would all just blow up into something that can never be fixed, and I don’t want to be without relatives. I realise this is not the correct way of handling things though

@SuperTrooper14 I don't disagree, this was definitely on the brother to disclose - but the mum has been defending the decision and trying to tell OP that she's being unreasonable. That's also unforgiveable. This suggests that OP's mum was completely on board with keeping it secret and saw no issues with holding back such a huge secret.

While the brother is the main issue here, OP's mum has definitely been enabling his behaviour. She should be equally prioritising all her children, not agreeing to keep a secret from one. If the siblings were estranged, then fine, but that wasn't the case here - it was always going to cause a blowout.

It's extremely disingenuous for any of them to try and pretend that this is no big deal. They need to apologise and explain to OP how it came about that she was excluded.

I had a Covid wedding - I was only allowed 10 guests. My husband and I had to make a really difficult choice regarding friends to attend, and we chose our friends who lives closer and didn’t need to travel and leave their newborn. I made sure I called the two friends (a couple) who I wasn’t able to invite. I was completely honest, so apologetic (I was in floods of tears!!) and I made sure we made other plans with them shortly after - I couldn’t have lived with that secret. Your family absolutely should have told you! Well, you should have been invited in the first place!

How awful! You’ve got every right to be upset, I wonder why your mum or your sister didn’t mention it to you or think to ask your brother if you’d also been invited? I probably wouldn’t want to go to the wedding either, I saw something recently that said if you weren’t part of the initial plan you were never wanted in the first place. I’d want answers from your brother.

What sort of mum would collude with her son to leave just one of his sisters out of his wedding? The collusion is one of the most upsetting things for OP, the fact that no-one stood up for her despite knowing how hurt she would be when she found out.

They have relied on her previous behaviour of never making a fuss but OP isn't going to just let this one go.

Playing devils advocate, they may have originally thought it was just a formality and you live too far away to get you down just for that. Then it mushroomed into fancy clothes and meals etc. and it became a bit awkward to mention. Ok I’m not even convincing myself but could that be possible ??

The only other thing I can think of is he was saving you travelling so far (150 miles) especially as he wanted you to experience the big wedding. Also, it may have just got out of hand. It might be good to ask him what his intention was. I’d be so gutted x

OP I have no wise words but reading your first post I could feel my eyes prickling. I would be heartbroken and your reaction is entirely understandable and justified. I honestly don’t know what to suggest in terms of where you go from here. How long away is the abroad wedding and do you stand to lose out financially by not going? Could you go and have a lovely holiday instead in the same country and just not turn up to the wedding? 😁

Well to be fair OP sent him a lovely message. He was the one who opened the door by asking what was wrong

I have family like yours that have done similar on more than one occasion!

they are not worthy of your presence. End of.

They chose not to invite you to it. I would choose not to go to the invited bit. Got better things to do 💅

If there was a genuine reason why OP wasn't invited, why hasn't he contacted OP to tell her after she told him how hurt she was? It's been three weeks with no response from him.

Also - I didn't 'unload' on him - and I tried not to engage at all. This is what I wrote back:-

I'm absolutely gutted that I didn't know about it, and that I wasn't invited. I have done everything I can to avoid all of you since I found out this morning, because I am trying so hard not to to spoil your day. Can we talk about it another day please?

Even then, I was trying not to spoil his day. I don't think I can be accused of unloading on him on his special day, that's not fair.

I’m now wondering if your mum had stirred up something on their wedding day if she was texting you. Even ‘Oh Cheesus doesn’t sound happy!’

It would make sense why he asked you if he had done something wrong out of the blue if your mother has mentioned something you had said over text on the day. Plus it sounds like she’s a bit of a gossiper.

You’ve had some really good advice, and I would be devastated too. But personally I couldn’t just let it lie. I would arrange to go for coffee/lunch with brother (not wife too) and explain how you feel and see what he says. Face to face it will be easy to see if he’s lying. Then go from there. But I’d want some conversation before walking away from wedding/contsct

Something like, “I can imagine that things have been really full on planning your wedding. I’m know you didn’t mean to hurt me by not inviting me, but it was really hard finding out that I was the only sibling not invited to your wedding. It left me feeling like I don’t matter to you. Have I done something that hurt you which led to this? Do you want me to come to your other wedding or would you rather I was not there. I hope we can move forward from here.”

and then I would await his response…. If he didn’t respond then that would tell me a lot. If he responded saying he didn’t mean to hurt me; that he’d love me to come to the proper wedding, that would tell me a lot too!

This. It's brilliant!

Fair enough, he did ask.

I know the consensus on this thread is to cancel going to the blessing, never speak to him again, etc, but it's very easy for posters who don't know how much your brother has always meant to you to egg you on to blow up your relationship with him for good. I do get why you are upset, he's handled it terribly, but maybe take a few days to think about things a bit more before cancelling going to part 2 of the wedding because MN has whipped you up into doing it. Because once you do cancel, the rift will most likely become permanent and I think that will ultimately upset you more.

Is agree with this perspective.

It's that all of them kept it a secret. The thought that they conspired to not tell you is what kills.

Logistics, schmogistics: these things escalate and it's entirely possible that brother went along with inviting sister because she can't make the abroad wedding; invited the mother because MIL was invited....it happens. Stupid at that age not to realise that leaving one person out is a dick move, and pathetic to think if everyone is at the legal wedding it might knock the wind out of the overseas wedding's sails. He's not 23 fgs. But still. Whatever. Weddings are stressful and tricky decisions need to be made.

But to all be in on it and not say anything? Nah. No reason other than that mother and sister thought it was none of their business and also didn't want a difficult conversation, and brother didn't want to have the conversation because it's difficult and he's already pissed off this whole thing has become bigger than he wanted it to be and just can't be bothered with more (as though you're a wedding detail). That it's been 3 weeks is an indication of just how little he wants to have the conversation.

BUT, when you've injured someone - which he clearly knows he has - you can't avoid the conversation. And the longer you leave it, the more difficult it gets. He should know this. He's a grown man.

And in your shoes OP, I'd be fed up of all the nonsense and give up. You're allowed to find things difficult, too. You're allowed to prioritise yourself at times, too. You're allowed to put your feelings above other people's feelings, too. And I would, at this point. There's nothing to say now. Their actions speak for themselves. Everyone knows where everyone else stands.

I would leave it. It's all terribly sad. Make the decision re the overseas wedding later in the year. But for now, get your head around the fact this has happened, this is how they all are. Work on accepting that. You can't really make a decision about the overseas wedding until you've done that.

Exactly. And they all colluded in it - they all must have had the conversation to keep it from you. Awful. I am not a forgiving person, this is something I'd not move on from.

I think you're right that his accusation of your 'snappy' (and yet totally not snappy) response was his guilt. He was counting on you to not 'make a fuss' on his wedding day.

They covered up that this was happening for a reason and now they are trying to gaslight you into being compliant and letting it go.

I think you're absolutely right to put your foot down here and I'd be cancelling those plane tickets, ASAP.

The OPs brother now knows she's upset and has ignored her ever since. There's no way you can excuse that. The OP thought they were close.