Am I being an absolute baby over this? Need some advice please

[SweetBabyCheesus]

Apologies, prepare yourselves, this is a long one!

I'm 54, & my brother is 45. We are really close, and I would consider him one of my best friends, and I thought he thought the same.

My brother is getting married abroad later in the year. His fiancée is from the country that they are marrying in, although she lives with him in the UK. They have been together for about 12 years, I think. We all get on great.

A few weeks ago, midweek, my stepdad sent me a pic of my mum all dressed up. I sent my mum a message asking where she was going looking so glam - and she replied that she was going to my brother's wedding in London. Then said that it was just a formality and they had to do this to enable the wedding in the autumn abroad. My mum and stepdad were there, my sister was there as she can't go to the 'proper' wedding, and my brother's fiancée (wife!)'s parents and brother were there (from their home country).

I was at this point really confused, because despite having spoken to my brother in the last couple of weeks - NOBODY has mentioned this to me at all. Not a word. I speak to my mum at least once a week too.

Then they all started sending me pics, of the wedding at the registry office, pics on the steps of the happy couple, and pics of the meal that they all went to afterwards - and now I'm really starting to feel hurt.

Later in the evening, my brother sent me a pic of them signing the register, saying something along the lines of "just the formal bit before the actual wedding!"

I replied "Congratulations!! Looks like you've all had a lovely day!! ❤️❤️ xxx"
He replied back "Have I done something? That sounded a little clipped"
I messaged him back saying I was absolutely gutted that I knew nothing about this, and that I wasn't invited, and that I really didn't want to spoil his day, so could we speak another time?
I am still waiting for a response, almost 3 weeks later.

I need some opinions. I'm not one for conflict, but I also won't walk away from confrontation if needed. I am beyond hurt. Everyone else in my close family was there apart from me. Her parents flew in from another country, and I wasn't even invited.

My brother is quite a difficult person, but we understand each other and accept each other warts and all. I love him dearly, and he knows that - and trust me, if I had done this to him, he would never forgive me.

I cannot understand in what world, ANY of them couldn't have thought that this would hurt me. My mum thinks that he just 'forgot' to tell me because it wasn't a big deal - but it was enough of a big deal for everyone to dress up, all go out for dinner, and take loads of pictures... Without me.

The point also needs to be made that the message I sent to my brother was in no way "clipped". His message to me smacks of a guilty conscience. So why didn't he invite me?

I'm stuck in this awful limbo of wanting to get this sorted out, but at the same time, I'm sick of smoothing things over to the detriment of my own feelings. Why should I message him again? Why should I fork out thousands of pounds that I honestly don't have, to go to a wedding of someone that apparently cares so little about me?

Am I being unreasonable to be so hurt? Am I being a massive drama queen? Am I making it all about me?

I'm just gutted.

Whilst this is a great explanation, neither of them are religious.

I really do why you're upset he's not contacted you since, but you did unload at him when he was supposed to be celebrating his marriage by telling him how gutted you were. Really it would've been better to clear the air the morning after, because I imagine that became the focus of the evening.

I'd pick up the phone and sort it out before the rift gets any worse.

I'd be going at them with a metaphorical flamethrower TBH.

There's a number of things here

1. You weren't invited - if you had been told it would have been OK
2. You weren't told - again if you had been it would have been OK
3. If he apologised on the day - it probably would have been ok
4. If he called you since - it probably would have been OK

Four opportunities he could have made it better but he opted for none and I suspect that's what really stings. You would have probably been OK, if he was just decent in one of those instances. Four chances for forgiveness, but he didn't want to take any of them.

I can't figure out if your StepDad sent to the photo:
1- deliberately so you would know - having disagreed with your brother & mother about keeping you in the dark
2- accidentally on purpose - didn't agree with them but wanted a way for you to know
3- it stupid and didn't think about it

If it were me, I would remain silent. I strongly suspect that, if even for show, he'll want at least one sibling attend the big party in front of friends, extended family and in laws. Having neither of you there, may be considered strange or negative so he'll come running - unless he invents a reason for your absence too.

Overall, reflect on your relationship. I would be very surprised if you have been the "giver" and he's been the "taker" for a lot longer than you realise.

I would stay silent. If anyone questions it, sure you were only waiting to call you when he had the time! Saying anything is just feeding the ego of people who prefer drama over true connections.

You're a better person than they are. Hang onto that.

I’d write them a letter (brother and mother) and post it old fashioned style telling them exactly how you feel and why. I’d tell your brother that under the circumstances with him not even contacting you for the last 3 weeks that you will not be attending his so called “wedding”. I’d probably be tempted to print off this whole thread and include that too. I’d be raging 😡

I wouldn’t speak to any of them again. I can’t deal with mass betrayal, or being treated like shit. I appreciate this is just me , but nothing will be the same again and I would rather not see them then keep having salt rubbed in

No, no, the real wedding hadn't happened yet. This was just a formality. Just a little legal thing. They wouldn't celebrate something that unimportant. 🙄

This is a truly wonderful and 100% analogy!

Brilliant post

That is awful. I would be devastated. I can’t believe they would do that to you. Of course it’s a big deal. I wouldn’t be going to the wedding abroad. They already had the wedding, the real deal, and celebrated without you. I’m so sorry.

I get your sarcasm but clearly it was important to them. I do think OP only having met his wife a handful of times in the 12 years they've been together has been a factor. How can you say you're best friends with a sibling but barely know their partner of over a decade?

I do not think you’re going to get a straight answer from your brother or in fact anyone in your family going forward.

He decided to exclude his sister for reasons known only to him (op may remind him
of his dad in some ways, a man he’s always hated): it can be as banal and petty as that but it’s only speculation. But it’s something like that.

I almost cried for you reading your original post! I can feel the hurt, that is so awful. I totally agree with you that there is no reason for him not to have told you what they were planning. You are not being unreasonable at all and I don't have any advice except to say take as much time as you need to feel that hurt and come up with a calm reaction xxx

You are absolutely not being unreasonable. It's obvious your brother and other family members were intentionally keeping it from you for some reason. Your brother's reaction to your perfectly normal text makes it clear that he knows his behavior was unconscionable. I'm so sorry you were treated unkindly by your family.

I know how much that betrayal hurts, as the exact same thing happened to me. Family member married, didn't invite me and tried to keep it a secret. Excuse was that it was a small service and only a few people were invited. Friends. She invited random friends and didn't invite me, a member of her family who she regularly turned to when she needed money or help, but somehow I didn't make the cut when it came to her wedding. It was one of the most hurtful things anyone ever did to me and I'm afraid I've never been able to get over it.

I am sorry this has happened to you. It seems that you are not as close to your family as you thought. You really haven't spent any time with your SIL. I'm not blaming you but what has happened is that you've become 2nd class, unimportant family member to them and you have kept up in your head that you are as important to him as he is to you.

I'm not for encouraging family rifts but his behaviour sucks and as you said, you don't feel the same way about him any more.

I think he's not contacted you as he may well realise his mistake but twisted it into anger thst you raised a complaint on his wedding day. He probably thinks you owe him an apology.

What do you really want here? An amicable family, not that close? In which case, message him or speak to him and then go to his wedding. You're going to have to go to him though as it looks like he isn't going to approach you.

Alternatively just opt for maintaining your dignity. Ignore them. Don't go to the fake wedding.

Option 2 looks much more tempting but being the bigger person and going for option 1 is the way to have contact with your family more in future.

I think you need to avoid catastrophising about wider family harmony. I think focus on being annoyed and hurt only by your brother and SIL and try and forgive your mum and sister. It's not their call to invite you.

The other thing to do is focus on other relationships that do prioritise you. Pour your time, energy and affection into friendships and your own immediate family. A lot of people only have 'duty' relationships with birth family. That's more normal than those 'close' Families tbh.

my sister who lived a few miles away from us but hundreds of miles from both families was my witness and her partner was my husband’s best man -
a few months later
they slunk off with ‘best friends’ to their registrars wedding and informed us days later

That must've been like a punch to the gut, op. I'm so sorry. How cruel of your brother.

So I’m also the ‘easygoing’ one in the family; bit of a walkover; never asked what I want to do. I can imagine this sort of thing happening!

I don’t get the sense that they all maliciously conspired to leave you out. I think the decision was led by thinking you’d be okay with it/not considering your feelings enough.

The thing is, if you approach your DB in a way that leaves him feeling guilty/ashamed then he’s likely to respond by minimising your feelings. Or getting really angry and defensive.

I may well be called a pushover (or flamed on here!) for doing this, but I think I’d message/email telling him how I feel, but in a way which would hopefully open something up and lead to repair. That’s if I wanted to keep the relationship alive (and be the bigger person).

Something like, “I can imagine that things have been really full on planning your wedding. I’m know you didn’t mean to hurt me by not inviting me, but it was really hard finding out that I was the only sibling not invited to your wedding. It left me feeling like I don’t matter to you. Have I done something that hurt you which led to this? Do you want me to come to your other wedding or would you rather I was not there. I hope we can move forward from here.”

and then I would await his response…. If he didn’t respond then that would tell me a lot. If he responded saying he didn’t mean to hurt me; that he’d love me to come to the proper wedding, that would tell me a lot too!

I'm so sorry, OP.

What a massive, massive shock this must have been. I can't imagine how you must have felt when the pictures came through. I agree with a PP, it sounds like your stepdad must have thought you were invited but couldn't make it, otherwise why else would he have sent pictures through.

I had a similar situation with a family member. My mum also 'keeps the peace' and allows and keeps schtum about shit behaviour because she doesn't want a fall out.

In my case, I felt so embarrassed - "what else don't I know, there's me being all pleasant and normal whilst all the while you lot have a whole life of conversations/planning/event that I have no clue about'.

I'm sorry. You sound fucking fabulous and they have all behaved abominably.

Sorry, no. My sister has met her less times than I have. This isn't a thing in our family. We all have our own lives, and live in different places, doesn't mean we're not emotionally close.

Exactly. It is important. And he chose not to invite his closest sister to his special day. He, their sister, and their mother all chose to hide this important event from her. So why should she care about upsetting him when he doesn't care about upsetting her?

This

She only unloaded at him after she sent him a very nice message to congratulate him after receiving all the happy photos of the wedding day and he responded by asking her if he's done something wrong as her message sounded a bit 'clipped'. As her message just said:

"Congratulations!! Looks like you've all had a lovely day!! ❤️❤️ xxx"

there was no reason for him to say that so he basically goaded OP into revealing her hurt feelings.

OP has nothing to sort out. Her brother needs to pick up the phone.

if you've said I've missed it - does your sil have more than one sibling?If so you are not the only family member left out. Doesnt explain why they kept it quiet but it's less objectional if some sibling were left out on her side.

There could be a million reasons why he chose not to invite her but I don't think it's fair to blame his mum and sister. It wasn't their news to share and they were clearly under orders not to say anything.

AttilaTheMeerkat · Today 19:27 He decided to exclude his sister for reasons known only to him (op may remind him of his dad in some ways, a man he’s always hated): it can be as banal and petty as that but it’s only speculation.

The OP and her brother have different fathers so why would she remind him of his hated father?