Am I being an absolute baby over this? Need some advice please

[SweetBabyCheesus]

Apologies, prepare yourselves, this is a long one!

I'm 54, & my brother is 45. We are really close, and I would consider him one of my best friends, and I thought he thought the same.

My brother is getting married abroad later in the year. His fiancée is from the country that they are marrying in, although she lives with him in the UK. They have been together for about 12 years, I think. We all get on great.

A few weeks ago, midweek, my stepdad sent me a pic of my mum all dressed up. I sent my mum a message asking where she was going looking so glam - and she replied that she was going to my brother's wedding in London. Then said that it was just a formality and they had to do this to enable the wedding in the autumn abroad. My mum and stepdad were there, my sister was there as she can't go to the 'proper' wedding, and my brother's fiancée (wife!)'s parents and brother were there (from their home country).

I was at this point really confused, because despite having spoken to my brother in the last couple of weeks - NOBODY has mentioned this to me at all. Not a word. I speak to my mum at least once a week too.

Then they all started sending me pics, of the wedding at the registry office, pics on the steps of the happy couple, and pics of the meal that they all went to afterwards - and now I'm really starting to feel hurt.

Later in the evening, my brother sent me a pic of them signing the register, saying something along the lines of "just the formal bit before the actual wedding!"

I replied "Congratulations!! Looks like you've all had a lovely day!! ❤️❤️ xxx"
He replied back "Have I done something? That sounded a little clipped"
I messaged him back saying I was absolutely gutted that I knew nothing about this, and that I wasn't invited, and that I really didn't want to spoil his day, so could we speak another time?
I am still waiting for a response, almost 3 weeks later.

I need some opinions. I'm not one for conflict, but I also won't walk away from confrontation if needed. I am beyond hurt. Everyone else in my close family was there apart from me. Her parents flew in from another country, and I wasn't even invited.

My brother is quite a difficult person, but we understand each other and accept each other warts and all. I love him dearly, and he knows that - and trust me, if I had done this to him, he would never forgive me.

I cannot understand in what world, ANY of them couldn't have thought that this would hurt me. My mum thinks that he just 'forgot' to tell me because it wasn't a big deal - but it was enough of a big deal for everyone to dress up, all go out for dinner, and take loads of pictures... Without me.

The point also needs to be made that the message I sent to my brother was in no way "clipped". His message to me smacks of a guilty conscience. So why didn't he invite me?

I'm stuck in this awful limbo of wanting to get this sorted out, but at the same time, I'm sick of smoothing things over to the detriment of my own feelings. Why should I message him again? Why should I fork out thousands of pounds that I honestly don't have, to go to a wedding of someone that apparently cares so little about me?

Am I being unreasonable to be so hurt? Am I being a massive drama queen? Am I making it all about me?

I'm just gutted.

They are liars and gaslighters. If they genuinely thought you wouldn't mind missing this part, as you're going to the abroad bit, they'd have told you in advance. Not afterwards, when it's a done deal. I couldn't be doing with this one bit.

I wouldn't bother writing the letter. I'd not reach out either, but I am stubborn like that. Fuck 'em. They know what they've done. You just don't know why.

Yea I'd be angry, upset the works. They were out of order

You’re feelings and thoughts are totally justified.

I'd mirror your DBs behaviour - don't contact him. Just withdraw and keep a distance. Be polite, brief and distant. Don't confront as you'll be the villain - your whole family decided to exclude you. They are never going to see your POV, they all decided it was acceptable to exclude you, so you are the unreasonable one, you're the one making a fuss, you're the one spoiling things for him. They will put on a united front , so don't play that game, don't confront, just stay silent.

It sounds like they tried to keep it to just parents, then your Sister pipes up and wants to go, then her sister piped up and so on. They probably tried to keep it contained, and casual, but it gets taken over... (been there and had this!) But, they should have asjked you and your brother needs to make it up to you by doing something just for you. Fucking dick

I absolutely don’t think OP is wrong to be upset. But it does bemuse me sometimes how different threads with the same issue turn out. Someone posted the other day to say her mum hasn’t invited her to her wedding or the meal after but has invited the man’s daughter and partner, and she got torn to shreds for being entitled and making it all about her. Yet everyone on this thread is on OPs side

The fact of not mentioning anything to you smacks of trying to hide it from you. Everyone sending you pics acting as though you knew about it and couldn't attend.... Something is going on.

The thing that some PP are missing is the element of it all being kept secret. OP has said that her family discusses everything, so something like this would have to be deliberately kept quiet - and that's the part that really stings.

This is really outing but fuck it. My DP had a really close relationship with his parents, and at least one of his sisters. When we got together I was so envious of their close, loving family. One day he was at their house and used their desktop computer (with their knowledge). He saw notes about buying a house in France. His parents, his sister that he was close to, and his niece & nephew were all emigrating to France. He hadn't been told.

Cue a huge family fall-out that went on for years. He now speaks to his parents but the relationship has never recovered. Same with his sister; they barely speak now, maybe once a year (if that).

We never got an explanation really, nor an apology.

I'm so sorry @SweetBabyCheesus. I completely understand the hurt and the rage. I think your posts on here have been dignified and clear-sighted, but how you move forward, I have no idea.

When is the fake-wedding due to take place - how long do you have to make amends/come to a decision? You say your brother is quite unforgiving, so presumably not attending his fake-wedding would be the nail in the coffin for your relationship. Could you live with that? Would it bother you? Would he care enough to try and reach a resolution?

It's bloody hard to know what to do. On one hand, it seems a shame to blow up a family but on the other, it sounds as if you have been repeatedly put at the bottom of the pile, and this really is just the tip of the ice-berg. You matter too. You are absolutely allowed and entitled to be angry about this. And why should you constantly push your own feelings to the side?!

Actually, do you know what I'd do? I'd let your DD loose. She wants to read them the riot act - maybe they need to hear it from someone other than you. Maybe your DD being so upset might bring a bit of clarity to them, because make no mistake this is a REALLY shitty thing to do and I can't think of a single thing to justify not telling you.

I don't think they should be allowed to shuffle this under the carpet and just let it blow over without a) acknowledging that it was really hurtful and b) apologising.

Your post hit a sore spot with me because of what my DP went through. I'm absolutely incensed on your behalf OP. You are not the person in the wrong here and I personally would find it very, very hard to be the one to make the first move - even if that's the more level-headed thing to do. Keep posting here if you need support, MN can be a fantastic place sometimes 💐

so they all went to he family and you didn't get an invite
ffs that is mean

I’m flummoxed because your mum will talk about insert irrelevant stranger but never mentioned her sons wedding plans.

Thats where it feels calculated.

Completely missing the point

I've mentioned upthread that similar happened to us when DH was excluded from his granddaughter's 18th weekend.

On top of that, the kids had said that they'd organise something joint for his and his ex's 80th. Then we saw the pics of her 80th with the kids and grandchild. No mention of anything for DH. (The ex's birthday was a fortnight before my husband's.)

I offered to phone the kids. He refused.

He asked me to book our favourite restaurant for his 80th. He then proceeded to invite his friends and his siblings. The kids still don't know that DH had an 80th party.

By the time they got married, I think they would all have known that I had found out. My mum had already started the "it's only a formality' texts.

The pics came early evening. My stepdad sent me a load, then my mum did, and then my brother sent me the one of them signing the register.

Agree. Once after what i thought was a minor tiff with my mother and sister, they secretly went off to the Caribbean on a lavish beach trip without me.

They slipped up and I found out months afterward. My mother defensively said "we were SO happy" (not having me there). That was 20 years ago and I never quite felt the same about either of them.

You are not being unreasonable to be hurt. I agree with you that his response to you saying your tone was "clipped" did smack of a guilty conscience. I wish he had just told you beforehand and said "we are not inviting everyone because this is different than the formal wedding" or something similar.

I'm sorry this has happened.

Do you have a family WhatsApp group with everyone on? I’d just message “right I haven’t heard from bro for a few weeks now, can someone please just tell me why I didn’t get an invite for his wedding?”

Totally agree. My sibling did this - in fact two had registry before their celebration. One only had parents on both sides and a meal, one pic but very much the wedding was their day. Other one totally different and hurtful - no family just friends (several!) and bought wedding y clothes, away for the weekend - it was their wedding. The other bit was a party which really didn't feel the same at all

This is a huge part of it. I would also never have let it get to this point.

God, that's hurtful. 💔

Omg! What a thoughtless bunch. How could they not have thought of you. That’s so strange. I’d give him chance to explain but I’d be so pissed off. Those photos coming through must’ve felt like knives in your heart.x

You thought you had a really good relationship with these people. Sadly that is ,
clearly not the case. You’re the scapegoat here in this family.

Your family members actively colluded with each other to keep your brother’s wedding day at the registry office a secret from you. This is toxic family behaviour and there is no acceptable excuse or justification for what they did.

Oh my goodness, I'd feel exactly as you do about this.

I'd sure as hell not be going to the abroad do.

You mentioned that it would be a financial struggle as it was, so I sure as hell wouldn't be making that financial struggle when they had a secret wedding already only 150miles away.

It’s bad enough that (it’s seems) everyone decided to hide this event from you, until you were sent the picture of your mother, but now that you know, they decided to inundate you with multiple photos of all of them having a lovely time? This is the worst part. “Oh the cat’s out of the bag, let’s show her what she’s missing because we didn’t even let her know this was happening” is just plain mean.

i have a very large sibling group and everyone has their nose in everyone else’s business. For one person to not hear about a major event in another sibling’s life means that there was a deliberate plan to exclude. That is especially hurtful because you have said that, had they advised why there was limited guest list, you would’ve understood.

edited to add: your response to him was lovely and not at all “clipped” - this was a guilty mind that assumed your tone…

YANBU OP. You have been reasonable and normal - but been treated like shit.

This is the most telling part:
He replied back "Have I done something? That sounded a little clipped"

It wasn't in any way clipped and he knew damn well he'd excluded you and not told you about this wedding.

This wedding is NOT a formality. He is legally married in the country you and he live in. This was a proper wedding with a meal afterwards, with all parents and siblings apart from you.

Their attitude always seemed to be "Oh, Dad won't mind..." but he did.