Am I being an absolute baby over this? Need some advice please

[SweetBabyCheesus]

Apologies, prepare yourselves, this is a long one!

I'm 54, & my brother is 45. We are really close, and I would consider him one of my best friends, and I thought he thought the same.

My brother is getting married abroad later in the year. His fiancée is from the country that they are marrying in, although she lives with him in the UK. They have been together for about 12 years, I think. We all get on great.

A few weeks ago, midweek, my stepdad sent me a pic of my mum all dressed up. I sent my mum a message asking where she was going looking so glam - and she replied that she was going to my brother's wedding in London. Then said that it was just a formality and they had to do this to enable the wedding in the autumn abroad. My mum and stepdad were there, my sister was there as she can't go to the 'proper' wedding, and my brother's fiancée (wife!)'s parents and brother were there (from their home country).

I was at this point really confused, because despite having spoken to my brother in the last couple of weeks - NOBODY has mentioned this to me at all. Not a word. I speak to my mum at least once a week too.

Then they all started sending me pics, of the wedding at the registry office, pics on the steps of the happy couple, and pics of the meal that they all went to afterwards - and now I'm really starting to feel hurt.

Later in the evening, my brother sent me a pic of them signing the register, saying something along the lines of "just the formal bit before the actual wedding!"

I replied "Congratulations!! Looks like you've all had a lovely day!! ❤️❤️ xxx"
He replied back "Have I done something? That sounded a little clipped"
I messaged him back saying I was absolutely gutted that I knew nothing about this, and that I wasn't invited, and that I really didn't want to spoil his day, so could we speak another time?
I am still waiting for a response, almost 3 weeks later.

I need some opinions. I'm not one for conflict, but I also won't walk away from confrontation if needed. I am beyond hurt. Everyone else in my close family was there apart from me. Her parents flew in from another country, and I wasn't even invited.

My brother is quite a difficult person, but we understand each other and accept each other warts and all. I love him dearly, and he knows that - and trust me, if I had done this to him, he would never forgive me.

I cannot understand in what world, ANY of them couldn't have thought that this would hurt me. My mum thinks that he just 'forgot' to tell me because it wasn't a big deal - but it was enough of a big deal for everyone to dress up, all go out for dinner, and take loads of pictures... Without me.

The point also needs to be made that the message I sent to my brother was in no way "clipped". His message to me smacks of a guilty conscience. So why didn't he invite me?

I'm stuck in this awful limbo of wanting to get this sorted out, but at the same time, I'm sick of smoothing things over to the detriment of my own feelings. Why should I message him again? Why should I fork out thousands of pounds that I honestly don't have, to go to a wedding of someone that apparently cares so little about me?

Am I being unreasonable to be so hurt? Am I being a massive drama queen? Am I making it all about me?

I'm just gutted.

This sounds like the voice of experience.

I'm so sorry for all of us here who've been treated like this. We deserved better.

I'm so sorry you have been treated this was and I am even more sorry because I think they knew it would be an issue for you or they would have mentioned it in one of their many conversations with you beforehand. So not just your brother but your Mum etc were complicit in this.

You handled it with grace and consideration in your message to your brother and it wasn't snappy or short at all and nothing you said was out of line. He was expecting a reaction. Leave him to come to you.

The registry office bit was not just a formality 'the legal bit '. That is their wedding day. The date of the registry do is the legal date of their marriage. The flummery abroad is just flummery. THEY ARE NOW MARRIED. On any legal documents the date of 'the legal bit' is the legal date of the start of their marriage. They didn't invite you to their actual marriage ceremony. That's absolutely rubbish Op.

If I were in your shoes I’d be heartbroken, the only one to be excluded and then to receive pictures of everyone else there?!
How can you possibly move on from not only being excluded but by no one mentioning anything about it before hand, not even by accident.
Im not surprised your daughter is raging, I’d be chomping if any of my nearest and dearest were treated that way.
Im a retreat into myself kind of person when my feelings are hurt, and than unfortunately I hold a grudge 😬 I wouldn’t be able to forgive and forget but you sound very close to your brother so maybe leave it until he responds or makes contact?

Agree with this and similar comments - I'd say that since the wedding has already happened there is no need for you to go abroad. If they didn't tell you because they wanted to make you feel you had to do so, I would not want to be manipulated in this way.
Poor behaviour on their part, but perhaps you would try to sound as practical as possible rather than focusing on your emotions as they probably don't care.

If it is just the legal bit as they say, why photos and fancy outfits? You just go and get two witnesses if that’s the case. Just so secretive.

It was more than nipping down the registry office to sign a few papers and back home. The mother was glammed up and then they went for a meal to celebrate. It was still a mini wedding day.

Travelling 150 miles is nothing considering they want OP to travel abroad and spend thousands to attend the other one so that excuse doesn’t cut it either.

OP is from the same culture as her own brother.

Oh, I’m so sorry. That is hurtful. Honestly I think your mum (and maybe your sister depending on the nature of her disabilities) sending all the pics is the worst thing to me.

I can sort of see how this came about… it’s common to do a legal marriage at home before a wedding abroad because it can be an expensive pain in the arse to do a legal wedding in a lot of places if you don’t live there and aren’t a citizen (England is like this actually, whereas Scotland makes it very easy). So the couple just wants to go down to the registrar’s and do their legal process but they’re not thinking of it as a wedding. They’re required to bring two witnesses and parents are a natural choice… maybe it was your mum and they thought adding your sister as the required second made sense since she can’t go to the wedding itself. But then if you invite one set of parents and not the other now there are issues, so the bride’s parents are invited and then they insist on bringing their son and the parents decide this should be a nice affair and we’ll treat everyone to a luncheon and the simple paperwork signing the bride & groom intended is now a whole big thing. This sort of runaway train effect is why the standard advice to eloping couples or those who don’t want a wedding is to just not tell anyone at all until it’s over.

But even if that’s what happened, once your brother realized the train had left the station he needed to acknowledge it and talk to you. I’m guessing a text/call explaining all this with “Mum and PIL won’t listen to us but we really don’t want this to be a wedding, we want [wedding abroad] to be our real wedding, but I wanted to tell you what was happening so you didn’t feel like we’re trying to leave you out” would have helped immensely. Just ignoring it was absolutely the worst, most insensitive approach.

Honestly I’d probably not let this sit with your brother, but I wouldn’t just not go to the wedding either if you have a good relationship. That’s not a thing you can undo if the two of you were to make up later. Yes he should be the one to reach but he hasn’t and I wouldn’t toss the relationship away without trying to initiate. I’d call and just say “What the hell happened? Do you know how awful it felt to have mum and sister suddenly sending me pictures of your wedding that I hadn’t even been told about?”

This makes me think he enjoys the sense of power and control and the other family members are happy with you being the scapegoat.

OP, I find what your family did so utterly bizzare. I am sorry they made you feel invisible and unimportant. If not by not inviting you then by not telling you and keeping it secret.

I also find odd that so many people are trying to come up with various reasons why your brother didnt invite you. From what I read its not what upset you most, its the keeping it secret. I hear you.

You mentioned at least a couple of times that if they knew you, they would treat you in a different way. I think they choose not to care rather then not know.

He should have phoned you before and said look this was supposed to be private and low key but mum insisted on coming and dressing g up and then felt sister who can’t make the abroad do could come and it got out of hand. He should then have asked if you wanted to come too.

This is it. Forget the emotions and focus on the practical side.

They all know by now they were very wrong, but will never ever admit it, and are likely waiting/expecting you to react emotionally so that in the end YOU will be the only bad person in this. Because who would ruin a wedding.

But the wedding has already been, they all prepared for it and dressed up.

IMO.. I don't think he had any intention of telling you.. "what she doesn't know won't hurt her" type bullshit.

Your mum fucked up by allowing a post of her dressed up and then telling you about it, but maybe she disagreed with him not telling you so decided to spill the beans in a roundabout way? Either way she wasn't going to lie about it when asked, but the message he sent you after was part of the pretence that 'the formality' was no big deal.. except it was a big deal, he knows it was, your mum knows it was and you know it was a big deal.

There is honestly no excuse, if it was 'no big deal' they would have told you about what they were planning, they kept it quiet for a reason and everyone was in on it.

Absolutely disgusting of all of them, I'd be devastated.

He owes you an explanation.

Your asshat brother did not want you there and that is why you were not invited.

All of your family members colluded in not telling you. I would not ever speak to
them again and with you out if the picture hopefully they will further turn against each other.

So why keep it secret?

There is no suggestion that this is the situation here. The OP has said nothing about another culture, simply that the bride is from another country. That might be France, Spain, Poland or any number of other countries where this type of behaviour is equally unacceptable. Neither has she said anything about religion playing a part or the ceremony being not of any particular significance to the bride. Certainly, the groom is British and although the legal ceremony may not have been a big deal for him, presumably at the age of 45 he should have enough cultural sensitivity to know that in this country deliberately excluding one sibling from the ceremony is just plain wrong. And again, it all comes back to communication - I bet your friend didn't deliberately keep the date of the ceremony from her close family, even if they weren't attending. It's the deliberate withholding of information and collusion of all the family members which is so hurtful here above all else.

People don’t think about others. Such a lack of awareness, or even worse, they hid it because they were aware. Either way it’s shitty.
My parents and wider family have done plenty but this reminds me of when I told everyone that I’d been abused as a teen and no longer wanted to be in my home town.
Just weeks later, they had a big family party without me. I was newly in therapy and very delicate. So while I didn’t expect their lives to stop, to have a party that I couldn’t attend (abuser still lives in home town and is very dangerous) they went ahead and did it anyway. I got upset and was made out to be the bad guy.

It was a big surprise to me as I thought we were close.

I think basically they all thought you wouldn’t mind not being invited. And not make a fuss. But you did. You stood up for yourself.

The ball is in their court, not yours.

My sister got married and didn’t tell me, my only sibling! Ok, not unreasonable but my mum and dad went and didn’t mention anything about it. I have never forgiven her. We don’t really talk about it and her husband is a bit of a twat. My mum didn’t understand why I was upset and I was made to feel selfish.

Your situation is worse because you’re close to your brother, but don’t let anyone tell you how you should feel. You feel upset because you ARE upset. I would be too and it would take a lot for me to ever forgive them all.

Your brother has been with his now wife for 12 years and you've only met her a handful of times? Even accounting for busy lives and the issue with dog sitting, that's hardly anything. If I were her, I would be ambivalent about you being there for this ceremony. It was clearly an intimate ceremony with their nearest and dearest and you apparently don't fall into that category for the happy couple.

But yes, your brother should've mentioned it was happening beforehand to keep the peace. I don't think it's your mum's fault though. It wasn't her news to share if the bride and groom didn't care about letting you know.

I would absolutely not have made a fuss, honestly. I'm pretty easygoing!

The thing with things like this is that you never get over it. I was excluded from a family event once but it was a much less important event than a wedding but I was still hurt. Of course it passed (it was inconsequential in the grand scheme of things) and the family continues on but i still have never forgotten it. So even if you make up, you will always remember and things are never quite the same no matter how hard you try.

One interpretation if you are otherwise close, is that they asked your sister to be witness to make her feel important as she couldn't come to the main event. So they then asked bride's brother to be the other witness, to equal that out. Then both sets of parents. If the bride had had another sibling (assuming she doesn't?) they also would have been left out.

Maybe it was planned as a funny, secret event but SD didn't get the memo and showed you the pic, they realised they'd fucked up and tried to paste over it with photos. Brother jumped to the defensive cause that's who he is, and now doesn't know how to approach it so is quiet.

They may not have been deliberately leaving you out, but you didn't have a 'role' to play, as a witness or a parent but there is no equivalent on the bride's side so it feels more pointed than it is.

You're not unreasonable in feeling hurt whatever the motivations, the mistake they made was not being open in the first place.

No, we have a really good relationship... This is one of the reasons I'm so flummoxed.