Am I being an absolute baby over this? Need some advice please

[SweetBabyCheesus]

Apologies, prepare yourselves, this is a long one!

I'm 54, & my brother is 45. We are really close, and I would consider him one of my best friends, and I thought he thought the same.

My brother is getting married abroad later in the year. His fiancée is from the country that they are marrying in, although she lives with him in the UK. They have been together for about 12 years, I think. We all get on great.

A few weeks ago, midweek, my stepdad sent me a pic of my mum all dressed up. I sent my mum a message asking where she was going looking so glam - and she replied that she was going to my brother's wedding in London. Then said that it was just a formality and they had to do this to enable the wedding in the autumn abroad. My mum and stepdad were there, my sister was there as she can't go to the 'proper' wedding, and my brother's fiancée (wife!)'s parents and brother were there (from their home country).

I was at this point really confused, because despite having spoken to my brother in the last couple of weeks - NOBODY has mentioned this to me at all. Not a word. I speak to my mum at least once a week too.

Then they all started sending me pics, of the wedding at the registry office, pics on the steps of the happy couple, and pics of the meal that they all went to afterwards - and now I'm really starting to feel hurt.

Later in the evening, my brother sent me a pic of them signing the register, saying something along the lines of "just the formal bit before the actual wedding!"

I replied "Congratulations!! Looks like you've all had a lovely day!! ❤️❤️ xxx"
He replied back "Have I done something? That sounded a little clipped"
I messaged him back saying I was absolutely gutted that I knew nothing about this, and that I wasn't invited, and that I really didn't want to spoil his day, so could we speak another time?
I am still waiting for a response, almost 3 weeks later.

I need some opinions. I'm not one for conflict, but I also won't walk away from confrontation if needed. I am beyond hurt. Everyone else in my close family was there apart from me. Her parents flew in from another country, and I wasn't even invited.

My brother is quite a difficult person, but we understand each other and accept each other warts and all. I love him dearly, and he knows that - and trust me, if I had done this to him, he would never forgive me.

I cannot understand in what world, ANY of them couldn't have thought that this would hurt me. My mum thinks that he just 'forgot' to tell me because it wasn't a big deal - but it was enough of a big deal for everyone to dress up, all go out for dinner, and take loads of pictures... Without me.

The point also needs to be made that the message I sent to my brother was in no way "clipped". His message to me smacks of a guilty conscience. So why didn't he invite me?

I'm stuck in this awful limbo of wanting to get this sorted out, but at the same time, I'm sick of smoothing things over to the detriment of my own feelings. Why should I message him again? Why should I fork out thousands of pounds that I honestly don't have, to go to a wedding of someone that apparently cares so little about me?

Am I being unreasonable to be so hurt? Am I being a massive drama queen? Am I making it all about me?

I'm just gutted.

Awful. Very mean of them.

great user name !

He should have told you but perhaps he thought you would understand that this is not the real wedding...
In any case I would give him the benefit of the doubt and talk to him. He is probably feeling shit. And definitely go to the "real" wedding if you were planning to as you will most probably make up eventually and you will feel worse for not having attended.

I think we all know where OP stands, but then we have RTFT

Just to add that I think that this is really hurtful too. I would never get over it myself, and I know that because a relative acted really hurtfully at my wedding and then agin acted hurtfully at their own wedding. I have never forgiven them - I can feel it churning around as I write and it was many years ago! The reality is though that you either forgive (in the end) or you lose your family, or at least parts of it. Are you up for that if you cant get a proper apology and explanation? I would definitely talk to step dad to see how it all panned out if I could, because otherwise you could think that a) they did this and b) they then rubbed it in. Maybe also try a direct message to him one more time - I haven't heard from you about the wedding, why did you keep it a secret from me? Thats the bit that seems worse than not being invited, because it means that they knew that not inviting you was wrong.

I'm late to the game, but I don't understand the posters coming up with reasons for this being okay. Even if there was a "good" reason (limited group size or whatever), then, as OP has said, they could have just TALKED to her. OP would have been disappointed but would have understood.

And there's no way they thought this wasn't a big deal. If they had thought that, it would have been mentioned casually in passing at some point. They were keeping it secret on purpose because they knew it WAS a big deal and it was a terrible way to treat OP.

I have no advice, OP, but you are not being unreasonable at all.

I agree with everyone here. You've been treated horribly and of course you're upset. I respect you so much for the strength and dignity you're showing. The way you're seeing so clearly through such an emotional issue is amazing.

If I was in your shoes, the not understanding your family's motivation would drive me bonkers. I wouldn't be able to stop wondering and the fact it took so much of my head space and mental energy would piss me off separately to the initial hurt your brother caused.

You said your step dad was sensible and not manipulative, so if the abive resonates with you, I would send him a message and tell him how you feel and ask him to explain the collective family thought process. Then at least you'll not be left imagining. It might allow you to draw a line under it as you pull away from your family. Or it might be create an opportunity for him to be the peacemaker, but please protect your heart from them going forward.

I can totally understand why you are hurt.

I think that he thought it was going to be a small informal signing of a document and nothing important, and then it turned into an actual wedding on the day, with your mother making a meal out of it with her hat on.

i could be wrong but I think your mother is a bit of a stirrer.

Some men can be quite cold about these things. it probably meant nothing to him so he is wondering what you are on about, why should you be hurt etc.

If It was me I would offer to meet him for breakfast and see what happens. anything could be going on, he might have even changed his mind about the wedding.

I know you are upset but find out all the information first before you cut him off. Good luck x

It's not about the wedding though. It's the fact they hid it from the OP that they were going to see him actually get married. Them bombarding her with photos on the day just seems like damage limitation to me. Stepdad let the cat out of the bag so they desperately tried to make it look like they were including the OP by sharing more photos. They knew fine well that they had all intentionally excluded her from knowing it was happening so now they are blaming her because her hurt is making them feel bad.

Funny, I would think the way to a fractured family would be leaving one person out of a family celebration, colluding to all keep it secret from them, and then gaslighting them that it's weird to be upset afterwards! 🤔

Wow how awful your entire family have treated you.

If you wanted to be petty - You said you and your DP want to marry eventually - have you considered going away the weekend of the wedding and getting married yourselves just the two of you ? 😁

Seriously though I would be re examining my relationship with the whole family. I’m so sorry they have treated you the way they have. And. Yes. They do know exactly how bad - they just don’t care.

Don't waste your money on his celebration abroad. Instead spend it on your own lovely holiday. Maybe get married beforehand & have it as a honeymoon? And you obviously don't mention it or invite them because "that's what the family does now".
When the invite

Wow cross post !

Great minds @Msmoonpie !

My keyboard playing up.
Post should have ended when/if the invite comes, sorry we're away.

You have my absolute sympathy Op. I'm the oldest of 3. Next brother down is the favourite and youngest brother is the precious final baby. Neither can ever do any wrong even though they do absolutely nothing for our mother. She's 86 we're 59 58 and 57. I've said many times to my husband that I will just have ' she was very useful' carved on my headstone. I absolutely understand why you are so hurt.

I would also be incredibly upset about this. It's the principle. If they had a small registry office and thought that you'd be ok because you're going to the "do" abroad, then they didn't need to keep it secret. Esp if your brother is straight talking. It's hardly difficult is it? "Hi sis, just to let you know that we're going to do the official bit on date. Numbers are limited so, I can't send you an "invite" but you're welcome to come for dinner with us after and we will properly celebrate with everyone when we go abroad" etc etc.

It was a dick move not even mentioning it to you. Basically lying by omission.

I wouldn't fall out with your brother. What's done is done. But I would have a massive problem with my mum if she had deliberately omitted telling me.

Hell would have to freeze over before I attended the overseas wedding after that. They can’t use the “you live so far away so thought it would be too much hassle” when you are only 150 miles away and the bride’s brother came from abroad

I would let your daughter say something if she wants to. We had a similar betrayal in our family, not a wedding but similar and I told my aunt exactly what I thought of her behaviour to my parents as it was heartbreaking to see them so upset

Similar happened to me a few years ago, so I feel your pain. Ruined the relationship I thought I had with the relative. You're not over reacting at all. I'm so sorry this happened to you. I wouldn't be going to the other "wedding", I wouldn't even consider it.

OP I hope you're feeling ok.

Having got a somewhat similar family, I live by the phrase I heard somewhere "Go where you're wanted and where things work".

Spend time with the people who are good to you x

Hi, I am sorry for your hurt, you must feel terrible.
I haven't read the whole thread but have read the OPs posts.
I have been to 3 of these registery weddings of my siblings. I think they start off as just being a formality as getting married abroad is a pain in the neck. And you dont want many people there as its not the real celebration. But you need witnesses, so you have to invite at least a couple of people. And of course both sets of parents must come. Then the sibling who can't make the proper wedding. Then it gets closer to the day and then, what are we going to wear? And I guess we should get a bite to eat afterwards. And then suddenly it's a small gathering with photos.
So it might not have been intentional to mot invite you, as hurtful as it feels.

Perhaps you could message your brother and say something along the lines of...I love you and don't want there to be bad feeling between us. But I really need you to acknowledge how hurtful it was to have been the only sibling/close family member not invited to your registry wedding.

Then the ball is in his court, and you are directly asking him to respond...

I think your DB'S silence shows he knows he's been out of order. But you need to tred carefully because you KNOW you're going to be painted as the unreasonable one. They are going to minimise the wedding 'oh it was only a formality' then you are going to get the 'we're not sure why you're making a fuss', then it will be 'you're making this all about you, you're ruining what was a lovely day, no wonder we didn't invite you'.

So don't contact them, keep your counsel. They know they've cocked up.

It's wild, isn't it! The desperation from a minority of posters to excuse something that was planned over weeks and months. My jaw dropped at the post that told OP not only to go to the fake 'real' wedding but to take lots of photos for her sister, just in case OP hasn't quite got the memo that her role in everything is to make life better for other family members.

There was a thread a few months ago from a woman who wasn’t invited to her brothers wedding. It seems weddings bring out how some siblings really think of each other.

This is not as major as you might think. Having spent some time with other cultures abd being friends with someone from another culture; I understand this. My friend got married and travelled to her country to get married. Before that they had what they called a ' Registration' in UK. She told me that no big fuss was being made and that shes just dressing casually for it. Well , being of mature years with life experience ,I told her that if she dont get dressed up for it then she would regret it. She duly got a white simple wedding gown and head piece and one of the guests gave her a posy if flowers ( she showed me photos) This Registration ,done in UK, She explained , is just a legality and is meaningless in her Religion and is not recognised by her family as a marriage unless its taken place in a church which is at s later date where everyone goes to her other country. It is a formality which every has to do if they marry abroad. My friend still did not go live with her spouse either after the registration. Its kept Low Key to protect the dignity of The Bride, who is not yet Religiously Wedded.