Am I being an absolute baby over this? Need some advice please

[SweetBabyCheesus]

Apologies, prepare yourselves, this is a long one!

I'm 54, & my brother is 45. We are really close, and I would consider him one of my best friends, and I thought he thought the same.

My brother is getting married abroad later in the year. His fiancée is from the country that they are marrying in, although she lives with him in the UK. They have been together for about 12 years, I think. We all get on great.

A few weeks ago, midweek, my stepdad sent me a pic of my mum all dressed up. I sent my mum a message asking where she was going looking so glam - and she replied that she was going to my brother's wedding in London. Then said that it was just a formality and they had to do this to enable the wedding in the autumn abroad. My mum and stepdad were there, my sister was there as she can't go to the 'proper' wedding, and my brother's fiancée (wife!)'s parents and brother were there (from their home country).

I was at this point really confused, because despite having spoken to my brother in the last couple of weeks - NOBODY has mentioned this to me at all. Not a word. I speak to my mum at least once a week too.

Then they all started sending me pics, of the wedding at the registry office, pics on the steps of the happy couple, and pics of the meal that they all went to afterwards - and now I'm really starting to feel hurt.

Later in the evening, my brother sent me a pic of them signing the register, saying something along the lines of "just the formal bit before the actual wedding!"

I replied "Congratulations!! Looks like you've all had a lovely day!! ❤️❤️ xxx"
He replied back "Have I done something? That sounded a little clipped"
I messaged him back saying I was absolutely gutted that I knew nothing about this, and that I wasn't invited, and that I really didn't want to spoil his day, so could we speak another time?
I am still waiting for a response, almost 3 weeks later.

I need some opinions. I'm not one for conflict, but I also won't walk away from confrontation if needed. I am beyond hurt. Everyone else in my close family was there apart from me. Her parents flew in from another country, and I wasn't even invited.

My brother is quite a difficult person, but we understand each other and accept each other warts and all. I love him dearly, and he knows that - and trust me, if I had done this to him, he would never forgive me.

I cannot understand in what world, ANY of them couldn't have thought that this would hurt me. My mum thinks that he just 'forgot' to tell me because it wasn't a big deal - but it was enough of a big deal for everyone to dress up, all go out for dinner, and take loads of pictures... Without me.

The point also needs to be made that the message I sent to my brother was in no way "clipped". His message to me smacks of a guilty conscience. So why didn't he invite me?

I'm stuck in this awful limbo of wanting to get this sorted out, but at the same time, I'm sick of smoothing things over to the detriment of my own feelings. Why should I message him again? Why should I fork out thousands of pounds that I honestly don't have, to go to a wedding of someone that apparently cares so little about me?

Am I being unreasonable to be so hurt? Am I being a massive drama queen? Am I making it all about me?

I'm just gutted.

I actually winced when I read your opening post. I have a brother that I am very close to and I would be absolutely heartbroken if he, and the wider family, did this to me.

I am so sorry that your family did this to you. Like you said, if there was a reason he couldn’t invite you he should have explained why. It’s clear from the way that you speak that you’re level headed and would have been fine with that.

There are three major things going on here:

The fact that you weren’t invited.
The secrecy around you not being invited.
The fact that your brother hasn’t reached out despite knowing how hurt you are.

I could forgive the first, but not the other two. You have nothing to fix here, you didn’t break anything. Please don’t text him again, spend some time processing this and then decide if you wish to go to his “wedding”. I’m not sure I would, because it’s basically a glorified party. The official deed is done.

Be kind to yourself x

He must know he's in the wrong. It may be that he thinks it's up to you to tell him how you're feeling, so he's just "giving you space". Or maybe he thinks if he doesn't say anything, it'll all just blow over and he can act like nothing ever happened. (I bet it's the latter.)

Maybe write him an email or a letter? You say you're better with writing than talking, so you can set out your thoughts clearly and avoid being inflammatory. Give him a clear option, e.g. "I'm going to need an explanation and an apology before I can think about moving past this."

Because in his head he's told himself its not a big deal, it was just the legal stuff, he had to invite parents because SIL's parents were coming, he asked your sister to be a witness because she wasn't going to the main wedding. He didn't tell you because it all sort of snowballed, bit of a difficult conversation he didn't want to have etc etc. Now he doesn't want to talk to you because he knows you are hurt and angry and that upsets him and makes him feel bad?

Contrary to other posters I think the wedding abroad really is the main wedding, it's in your SIL's home country and to my mind the most important parts are getting to say your vows in front of all your friends and family, getting dressed up, the speeches, nice food, toasts, seeing everyone enjoying themselves first dance etc - the signing stuff never felt that significant to me.

I suspect he knows you're rightly upset and he's being stubborn and defensive because he doesn't want to deal with it. He owes you a massive apology for how he handled it. I wouldn't be impressed with your DM telling you its not a big deal, you should just get over it but potentially he put her in a really tricky position. I don't necessarily think this means your family love you any less or think any less of you or are always organising things behind your back - it is potentially just a massively thoughtless fuck up.

Me too - I wouldn't tell them I wasn't going, I just wouldn't turn up.

I’m sorry about this and I wouldn’t go to the wedding either.
My mum and dad are split up and my dad once put a pic on Facebook of him, his partner, her daughter and granddaughter, her sister, brother and mum with the caption “so nice to have all the family together”. It was a slight on his part but he didn’t like it when I commented ah yes, all the family except YOUR DAUGHTER! To be clear, he had been with his partner for 18 years at that point and I chose to live with my dad not my mum so we had lived together with my step sister for 10 years before I moved out…..

Fuck all of them.
Your brother AND his wife could have very easily sent you a quick apology after you expressed how you felt so they wouldn’t be hearing from me either.

Absolutely not. Voicing your hurt, setting boundaries and making sure you prioritize your own wellbeing is key to health. Your plan would destroy OP and lead to resentment I’m sure. And she has family! Her children sound lovely.

You are not being a baby about this. Rather the very opposite.

An adult, who is not being a doormat, and saying this is very hurtful and not fine by me, or maybe not even forgivable.

Because it really isn’t.

You have every right to be upset and hurt by this, complete gaslighting too which makes it worse. I don't know if anyone can say anything that will make it better for you, the damage has been done. Please take care OP.
I wouldn't go to the overseas wedding. You need to be totally honest with them all re the betrayal, don't let them fob you off with excuses.
Take care OP, we on MN are supporting you

I once heard someone say : ‘ when people tell you who they are, believe them . ‘
they have literally told you who they are , now act accordingly. Personally , I finally acknowledged what was happening within my family and cut contact emotionally. I have had a lot of therapy so had the tools to do so. Now I almost never think about them, and if I do is to wish them well and feel glad that they are not in my life anymore. As they say , life is short , and it should be populated by people who uphold you and bring peace in your life, not people that behave like this . I would not go to the ‘wedding’ , but I would do so with a light heart and the very best wishes to the couple , then ‘park it’ and never think about it again , because it’s not worthy of your time .

This is one the WORST things I've ever read on MN, and that's saying something.

I'm astounded that you sent such a lovely message in response to his pictures. I would have said "What am I looking at here, I don't understand what's going on". It sounds like you are too soft in real life.

Anyway, that's done now. You are NOT being a baby. I would be SO hurt if my family did this.

Honestly, I would not speak to any of them ever again. It sounds like you are still speaking to your parents though? Dial that shit right back.

Don't contact your brother, and please don't reply to him if he contacts you.

I know how hard it is to find out that a sibling doesn't love you in the way that you thought they did. After my Mum died, I found some e-mails in her in-box from my sister, that said awful things about me - a ton of lies as well. I thought we were so close. We didn't talk for a while, then had to start communicating again because our dad was so sick. It will never, ever be the same though. I think in her mind it's all smoothed over, but my heart has hardened and it won't ever open up fully to her again.

Please, please step away from all of them. This is SO horrible, and you don't deserve it.

You’ve been treated appallingly OP and I’m sorry for your experience.
I’d still attend my brother’s wedding, refuse to discuss it at the wedding and then just go back to not engaging afterwards. You aren’t as important to your brother as he is to you, so adjust his importance in your mind and quietly move on.

Unless he calls you and apologises obviously.

Oh and hell would freeze over before I'd go to the fake wedding. FUCK. THAT. SHIT.

Someone must have questioned why you were not there? Or else he wouldn’t have been prepared to read your text as being a bit short and tell you so, because your text was friendly and fine.

Do you know who?

My guess is your brother's "Have I done something?" was him experiencing cognitive dissonance. He has been telling himself that because you weren't there it proves that this (him getting married) doesn't mean anything and the wedding abroad is the real thing. They are all telling themselves that. But your reaction has burst that fantasy. I imagine he's concerned now that other people might think or realise that they are being misled into travelling abroad to see them get married when really they are just going to an expensive afterparty because the marriage has already happened.

This.

What they have done is unforgivable.
So nasty, unkind, relationship ending.

You know when you look into your heart of hearts they are not kind people.

All of them deliberately did not tell you.
Your mother spoke ro you weekly and never said a word.
That takes effort.
Your brother chose to deliberately excuse you.

No way in hell I would be going near that wedding.

You have tolerated too much over the years and they think little of you because of it.

Sometimes in familys like yours people get a kick out of hurting the person who doesn't kick up a fuss, just because they can.
They are ugly people and they get a kick knowing this humiliation will wound you.

They expect you to suck this up, like you always have.
They will absolutely continue to gaslight you that you are kicking up a fuss and spoiling things.

I wouldn't dream of reaching out to your brother under ANY circumstances.
Complete silence.
I wouldn't dream of trying to argue the obvious with them.

As for your mother, she knows she upset you by deliberately by not telling you.
Do not contact her again.
Complete silence.

You couldn't possibly genuinely care about someone and behave as they have.

Knowing how little they care, what possible point is there in engaging further?

Spend that wedding money on therapy.

It's the not telling you that hurts, not the no invitation. Now the silence. Own your behaviour new groom!

Don't put your mum's feelings first here. You matter too. They've all colluded in excluding you, you are hurt and confused, that's a reasonable reaction and you don't have to swallow it to make anyone else feel better. Your brother needs to explain himself and make amends if he values your relationship, don't do the running for him and don't feel guilty about considering yourself worthy of better treatment than this.

He's made it clear that you're not as alike as you thought.

I'm wondering if this family approach has been there before in smaller ways that have been possible to dismiss, but this is a huge escalation of their behaviour?

What’s very telling is he hasn’t tried to contact you in 3 weeks, knowing you are upset.

Excellent point.
You are declining a party abroad.
Not a wedding.
They are already married and chose not to invite you to their wedding.

As others have said, this is one of the most hurtful problems I have read about on Mumsnet. You have every right to be upset! They excluded you, kept it from you, then shared all those photos, and when you (only when asked!) expressed your feelings, you got radio silence from your brother and gaslighting from your mum. How could that not be upsetting? Even if this was just poor planning ... why can't they acknowledge it, explain, and apologise? I feel so sorry for you—you must be questioning your whole relationship with your brother. Sending you a big hug!

How many people were allowed at the registry office? In my experience you have a very limited number of people allowed. And parents plus the sibling that can't go to the "real wedding" seems reasonable enough to me!

I haven't RTFT, just your responses OP. I bet your StepDad got some shit for sending you that pic! Perfectly understandable for you to be upset - even if they were limited to 6, they should have told you beforehand. I think you need to bite the bullet and contact your brother, even if it ends up in a row and you not going to the wedding - at least you'll know where you stand.

@CosyLemur have you actually read all the thread.
It's not that OP wasn't invited it was the hurt that NO
One in her family told her about the wedding.

It shouldn't matter if only 4 people or 44 can get in the
registery office it's the secrecy.