Am I being an absolute baby over this? Need some advice please

[SweetBabyCheesus]

Apologies, prepare yourselves, this is a long one!

I'm 54, & my brother is 45. We are really close, and I would consider him one of my best friends, and I thought he thought the same.

My brother is getting married abroad later in the year. His fiancée is from the country that they are marrying in, although she lives with him in the UK. They have been together for about 12 years, I think. We all get on great.

A few weeks ago, midweek, my stepdad sent me a pic of my mum all dressed up. I sent my mum a message asking where she was going looking so glam - and she replied that she was going to my brother's wedding in London. Then said that it was just a formality and they had to do this to enable the wedding in the autumn abroad. My mum and stepdad were there, my sister was there as she can't go to the 'proper' wedding, and my brother's fiancée (wife!)'s parents and brother were there (from their home country).

I was at this point really confused, because despite having spoken to my brother in the last couple of weeks - NOBODY has mentioned this to me at all. Not a word. I speak to my mum at least once a week too.

Then they all started sending me pics, of the wedding at the registry office, pics on the steps of the happy couple, and pics of the meal that they all went to afterwards - and now I'm really starting to feel hurt.

Later in the evening, my brother sent me a pic of them signing the register, saying something along the lines of "just the formal bit before the actual wedding!"

I replied "Congratulations!! Looks like you've all had a lovely day!! ❤️❤️ xxx"
He replied back "Have I done something? That sounded a little clipped"
I messaged him back saying I was absolutely gutted that I knew nothing about this, and that I wasn't invited, and that I really didn't want to spoil his day, so could we speak another time?
I am still waiting for a response, almost 3 weeks later.

I need some opinions. I'm not one for conflict, but I also won't walk away from confrontation if needed. I am beyond hurt. Everyone else in my close family was there apart from me. Her parents flew in from another country, and I wasn't even invited.

My brother is quite a difficult person, but we understand each other and accept each other warts and all. I love him dearly, and he knows that - and trust me, if I had done this to him, he would never forgive me.

I cannot understand in what world, ANY of them couldn't have thought that this would hurt me. My mum thinks that he just 'forgot' to tell me because it wasn't a big deal - but it was enough of a big deal for everyone to dress up, all go out for dinner, and take loads of pictures... Without me.

The point also needs to be made that the message I sent to my brother was in no way "clipped". His message to me smacks of a guilty conscience. So why didn't he invite me?

I'm stuck in this awful limbo of wanting to get this sorted out, but at the same time, I'm sick of smoothing things over to the detriment of my own feelings. Why should I message him again? Why should I fork out thousands of pounds that I honestly don't have, to go to a wedding of someone that apparently cares so little about me?

Am I being unreasonable to be so hurt? Am I being a massive drama queen? Am I making it all about me?

I'm just gutted.

As I've suggested above, I'm betting that you're the kind of person who goes out of their way to be reasonable and to put others first. Your good nature has been taken advantage of.

I'm hoping so! It's just more faff to deal with, isn't it!

This whole thing has turned into an absolute ball ache 🤣

Weddings bring out the worst in people. Selfish, vain, wankers. Drop the rope on them (for a while).

I'm so sorry to hear that OP. I've been in a very similar situation, also excluded from a wedding and it completely changed my relationship with the person in question ( my godmother). I cried for 3 days as I felt a kind of grief, like that person who I had thought cared about me and my feelings had actually died. She did die for me that day and I just don't feel the same way about her anymore, in fact I feel sorry for her. We don't really speak anymore. I think she knows she was in the wrong (I won't go into specifics but it was terrible) but would never admit it and I'm sure she's convinced herself she did nothing wrong. Like your situation, she never reached out beforehand and said 'you're not invited because x' which would have been hurtful but honest. She just let me hear from other people that I wasn't invited and never addressed it since. Other family members were shocked but felt it wasn't their place to get involved.

The only thing I can add is to what others have said is to say is it's their issue, not yours. Don't let it knock your confidence in who you are as a person. You've done nothing wrong. They're probably not going to want to acknowledge that they've behaved badly and upset you. Hopefully they do and you can explain how you feel (though I'm sure they must know and are feeling guilty).

Shocking behaviour on your families part

I would send a text to your brother setting out again why you are hurt, not even to be told, sharing shedloads of pictures when they knew you are the only one not invited, knowing afterwards that you are upset and not having the decency to speak to you for weeks. I would also say that circumstances have changed and you are no longer able to come to the party( not wedding) abroad due to cost, had it been a wedding you would have found a way, even going into debt but as it’s not a wedding you can’t afford to come

I agree. The aspect which is hurtful is not being told - but there's a way to express this without damaging family relations. Life is too short.

Personally feel it's quite normal these days to have a 'formal bit' pre-wedding. Most of our friends have done this, often with no family there or just one parent as a witness.

It doesn't sound from your family's replies that this was done with deliberate ill intent, but it was thoughtless and you're more than justified in raising that.

Thank you all SO much. I've felt like I was going mad these last few weeks. My daughter has kept me sane, and I've had to actually forbid her from calling my brother and my mum, as she is frothing at the mouth with rage.
But the silence from my brother is unexpected. That's the part I've been struggling with, as given his shitty response to my congratulations, I thought he was chomping at the bit to have a row. But nope!

My goodness, I feel sick to the stomach on your behalf. Absolutely unforgivable behaviour and your brother knows it and is now either too ashamed or embarrassed to
address it with you. I’d be so pissed off I wouldn’t speak to any of them again. As for your mum, I can’t imagine a world where mine wouldn’t try to stop this if it were my sibling doing this to me. As for the wedding, I wouldn’t entertain it or give a present or anything. It would be more than awkward going, knowing you were left out for reasons only known to what feels like everyone else. I think I’d hold a grudge on this forever. 😭

Honestly, I’d keep my silence. They are so in the wrong and (unless they are sociopaths) they damn well know it. I’d be radio silent on all of them, they hurt you either by malice or by carelessness and don’t give enough of a shit to even try to make it right. I would not be flying to another bloody country for people with so little concern or empathy.

I'm so sorry so many of you have had such horrible treatment from people that are supposed to love you. I hate that this kind of stuff is so prevalent.

It's one of my biggest fears, to hurt someone I love like this, by accident. I would be trying desperately to make amends.

Oh @SweetBabyCheesus how heartbreaking.

There could be many explanations for how the situation arose: your db and his finace genuinely feeling their abroad 'wedding' celebration and party was the important thing, them maybe realising late that they needed a marriage that was legal in UK. All kinds of theories about who and how and when people were invited to attend the legal proceedings.

But you know, and they know that all those reasons are inexcusable.

There seems to be some kind of collective cognitive dissonace going on. It's the discomfort that all of them feel when their behaviour does not align with their core values or beliefs.

So at heart, (possibly) your family's core beliefs are of a loving, collective, supportive, inclusive family - despite the several marriages and the step-arrangements. For whatever reasons, their behaviour in respect of your db's legal marriage, excluded you. That behaviour does not align with their (now phoney) values, so everyone is feeling very uncomfortable inside.

What most people do with that uncomfortable feeling (dissonance) is to find a way to rationalise it, to excuse why they did it, or why it didn't matter, or why it didn't really upset anyone else. So somewhere they 'know' it wasn't right, but they are trying to make it right in their own heads.

There is not much you can do in the face of that, each of them has to find their own way through it.

If you attend the fancy celebration some will build that into their 'story' and say it was all fine because you were at the 'real' event.

If you don't attend the fancy event some will build that into their 'story' and roll their eyes and pretend you weren't invited to the legal commitment because you're difficult.

Essentially they are all trying to re-write history to soothe their own discomfort because each of them know that what they have done was not acceptable.

I have no advice. If you take a step back, would you like to attend your db's celebration, and to be part of all that happiness? Or will the recent happening cause you so much pain that you can't really be happy for him on that day? Either way I think you need to take a small step back from your family and let them find their own ways through this.

But.. also be prepared to hold your own truth of what happened. Don't collude in their warped stories. If someone says 'well you didn't mind'. State your own truth simply - yes I did mind. 'the legal paperwork wasn't important' - well I though it was important. 'I don't know why you are upset' - I'm upset that you didn't tell me the truth, OR I'm upset you shared a family secret and chose to exclude me.

Awwwww that's awful, I would be absolutely devastated too. Haven't read through all the posts yet as lots to read, but I would send him a message saying how hurt I was, if you want to try and patch it up. See what he says. You maybe have done this already will find out later when I read through!

You are not wrong to feel so hurt.

I'm petty and wouldn't go to the expensive party in the sun. However, if you really don't mind burning the bridges, why not use the refund to get married to your DP somewhere lovely in the UK with your DC as witnesses whilst the others are all frazzling in the sun? The ultimate "fuck you" to your DM and DB!

I think your brother fucked up but didn't do anything maliciously.

It sounds like they saw this wedding as a legal formality and the "real" wedding will be later, and you're going to that one.

But... they way it unravelled was upsetting, he was thoughtless. He should have discussed it with you before the photos were sent (so should your mum). It's the fact they didn't and you learnt about the wedding this way that is making you feel excluded. They both handled it very badly, but again, I don't think your brother meant to hurt you I would guess his social skills aren't the best.

Edited to say YANBU feeling very upset. However, try not to escalate things by refusing to go to his other wedding abroad. Instead, you should be arranging to have a heart to heart with him in a quiet space just the two of you. He has failed to see it from your point of view and politely explaining how you feel will be so much better for your relationship than going nuclear.

Clearly he told your mum not to tell you. Clearly they all knew you would be upset and rightly so! I think the issue here is communication. Your brother should have explained to you they were only having their parents and 1sibling there for the legal ceremony as the venue only allowed X amount of people or whatever and that he chose your sister as she couldn’t make the abroad wedding. Would you have understood/ accepted that or made a fuss? I wonder if they expected you to kick up a fuss so they didn’t tell you?

I completely agree with you and you have every reason to feel affronted. Your message certainly wasn’t ‘clipped’, so definitely a guilty conscience. Is there a history of him belittling/bullying/jealousy of you?

It sounds like stepdad messed up sending you the picture and let the cat out of the bag.

Honestly, I am wondering whether your brother sent the message about you "being clipped" just to get you to respond that you were hurt and then he could go around telling everyone that you're the bad guy making a fuss and ruining his day ...

Which would also explain why he hasn't been in touch since.

I'm so sorry, OP, so hurtful.

You are defending the indefensible and completely minimising OP's hurt feelings.

What her brother and mum did was incredibly mean and hurtful but you are telling OP to 'swallow her hurt', not make a fuss and attend the wedding as though nothing has happened. You are making excuses for her brother's behaviour and making up your own narrative about why OP could not be invited. You have absolutely no idea whether the intention was to exclude OP or not.

OP's feelings matter and if she feels that this is worth ending her sibling relationship with her brother, that is her decision to make. In effect, you are telling OP that her feelings and her wellbeing and self-esteem are much less important than those of her parents and siblings.

Do let us know how it all goes. You are totally not in the wrong and I’d be devastated too.
As extra advice, if you need it, for “the text”, I’d really play on the “how would you feel?” part. And highlight that it’s not that you weren’t invited as such but that you were deliberately and knowingly excluded by silence and subterfuge. Telling it as a scenario in 3rd person may help - “Imagine this… you are part of a family that you love and whom you believe love you. There are no known arguments and issues and you feel safe and secure and like a valued part of that team. Then one day…. [photos etc story]… Please take a moment to think how that might land for you. Really, really, openly and wholeheartedly, think about that moment when you open that photo/text. And you realise what has happened. How would you feel? (Because, no matter why it was done, how it was done IS a big deal. And you would be as devastated/confused/hurt as I am)”
If they still can’t see it, you are better off without them because they are Alice through the looking glass level batshit…
Sending you good wishes x

Who needs enemies with family like that?

I wouldn’t take the “forgot” excuse. Your family would have notice of an invite and all chose not to tell you. That’s deliberate.

I would distance myself from them for my own mental health. I’d also not go to the “proper” wedding.

I love him dearly, and he knows that - and trust me, if I had done this to him, he would never forgive me.

OP this is absurdly awful of them all. I think you know you would never collude with your children to exclude another so cruelly like this. If they had a space issue then an explanation would have been had and yet the lying, covering it up, gaslighting etc makes it obvious that wasn’t why. There is no way I’d attend his wedding and pay money out now. If asked just say this has made you realise you obviously aren’t in their close circle and you can’t afford to go abroad for a wedding. Your mom is an asshole too! I would never ever allow one of my kids to be treated like this. I’d be done with your selfish brother other than surface level pleasantries.

When people show you who they are believe them!

Maybe distance was a problem (to them?) but they definitely should have told you. I think you should go see your brother properly and speak to him and see what he says. You’re not being unreasonable however is it worth falling out with all your family? I’d let them know you’re very upset, hopefully they can reassure you. Then you could go to the actual wedding and enjoy it

Do you think he might be on honeymoon

I think your brother will think he's 'gotten away with it' and that you're probably ok with how you've been treated as you've not said anything to him. Really, he should be reaching out to you to make sure you're ok (but won't because he knows he was in the wrong, he just doesn't want to face it). Or maybe he will which would be a step in the direction of healing, but as he hasn't yet it's looking less likely. You could reach out to him and tell him you're hurt and see what happens. It will either change nothing (he digs his heels in and says he's done nothing wrong/you're dramatic/over sensitive or some other bullshit) or he apologises and explains his perspective. That might salvage the relationship.
Hugs to you and your daughter OP.

But this is the way to a fractured family and loneliness. Best forgive and forget, after a heart to heart of course.