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Original poster

Am I being an absolute baby over this? Need some advice please

1000 replies

SweetBabyCheesus · 10/02/2025 13:13

Apologies, prepare yourselves, this is a long one!

I'm 54, & my brother is 45. We are really close, and I would consider him one of my best friends, and I thought he thought the same.

My brother is getting married abroad later in the year. His fiancée is from the country that they are marrying in, although she lives with him in the UK. They have been together for about 12 years, I think. We all get on great.

A few weeks ago, midweek, my stepdad sent me a pic of my mum all dressed up. I sent my mum a message asking where she was going looking so glam - and she replied that she was going to my brother's wedding in London. Then said that it was just a formality and they had to do this to enable the wedding in the autumn abroad. My mum and stepdad were there, my sister was there as she can't go to the 'proper' wedding, and my brother's fiancée (wife!)'s parents and brother were there (from their home country).

I was at this point really confused, because despite having spoken to my brother in the last couple of weeks - NOBODY has mentioned this to me at all. Not a word. I speak to my mum at least once a week too.

Then they all started sending me pics, of the wedding at the registry office, pics on the steps of the happy couple, and pics of the meal that they all went to afterwards - and now I'm really starting to feel hurt.

Later in the evening, my brother sent me a pic of them signing the register, saying something along the lines of "just the formal bit before the actual wedding!"

I replied "Congratulations!! Looks like you've all had a lovely day!! ❤️❤️ xxx"
He replied back "Have I done something? That sounded a little clipped"
I messaged him back saying I was absolutely gutted that I knew nothing about this, and that I wasn't invited, and that I really didn't want to spoil his day, so could we speak another time?
I am still waiting for a response, almost 3 weeks later.

I need some opinions. I'm not one for conflict, but I also won't walk away from confrontation if needed. I am beyond hurt. Everyone else in my close family was there apart from me. Her parents flew in from another country, and I wasn't even invited.

My brother is quite a difficult person, but we understand each other and accept each other warts and all. I love him dearly, and he knows that - and trust me, if I had done this to him, he would never forgive me.

I cannot understand in what world, ANY of them couldn't have thought that this would hurt me. My mum thinks that he just 'forgot' to tell me because it wasn't a big deal - but it was enough of a big deal for everyone to dress up, all go out for dinner, and take loads of pictures... Without me.

The point also needs to be made that the message I sent to my brother was in no way "clipped". His message to me smacks of a guilty conscience. So why didn't he invite me?

I'm stuck in this awful limbo of wanting to get this sorted out, but at the same time, I'm sick of smoothing things over to the detriment of my own feelings. Why should I message him again? Why should I fork out thousands of pounds that I honestly don't have, to go to a wedding of someone that apparently cares so little about me?

Am I being unreasonable to be so hurt? Am I being a massive drama queen? Am I making it all about me?

I'm just gutted.

OP posts:
CustardySergeant · 10/02/2025 17:05

NotISaidTheCat · 10/02/2025 17:00

I'm so sorry, OP, this is awful behaviour and I don't think I'd ever get over it. It sounds like your stepdad let the cat out of the bag by sending you that photo of your mum - I'm guessing he thought you already knew about the wedding happening that day. Then once Mum told everyone what he'd done and that you knew, it was, "Oh, shit!" and they started love-bombing you with photos to make it seem like this was all totally normal, and that of course you wouldn't mind! Your brother's response was incredibly defensive. He knew exactly what he'd done, and now he's not man enough to apologise, or at the very least, talk it out with you like adults.

They should all be ashamed of themselves.

(Edited for a typo)

Edited

Yes, I bet that's exactly what happened. Very astute comment.

twinsister · 10/02/2025 17:06

You mentioned in an earlier post that you’ve only met your brothers now wife a handful of times, is that right? That seems slightly odd for a 12 year relationship. Is there a reason you haven’t spent much time together? I’m thinking Christmases or family events as well as normal social get togethers with your brother and his partner given he and you are close. Is it possible there is something connected between how much time you’ve spent together and this wedding incident? Grasping at straws here!

CharityShopChic · 10/02/2025 17:06

Why should I fork out thousands of pounds that I honestly don't have, to go to a wedding of someone that apparently cares so little about me?

Oh OP, I'd be so hurt too. I haven't read the full thread but will in a sec - but I really object to these fancy overseas weddings which are nothing of the sort. I mean, if you want to have a ceremony on a beach in Greece having done the legal bit in a registry office in Croydon first then there's nothing wrong with that, but at least have the common decency to be up front and honest about what you're doing and let your guests decide whether they want to attend your pricey overseas fakey-wedding and reception, or not.

Sunat45degrees · 10/02/2025 17:07

SweetBabyCheesus · 10/02/2025 16:13

Out of the 3 of us siblings, I am the one to make the least fuss. I am the one least likely to have an argument with anyone. But how can that translate in their minds to me not being bothered about being at my brother's wedding??

Show quote history

Oh, I 100% get that. But I know from experience in both mine and DH's family, that sometimes the perception is not the reality. Of course, it could also be the opposite, "oh, well, we won't invite her becuase this makes sense and of course she won't mind - she's totally laid back" Either way, they've handled it appallingly.

Shitgift · 10/02/2025 17:07

YANBU

There is absolutely no way that he and ALL of the rest of your family attending forgot to tell you. They have done this on the sly. As for your mum being upset if any of you fall out, how dim is she? This was quite obviously going to become apparent to you and would quite clearly wound you deeply and cause a fall out.

Were there any attendees that were there but won't be at the party abroad that wouldn't want you there? There must be some massive reason for him to do this otherwise they are deliberating trying to upset you. Your family needs to try the truth, not gaslighting you.

WearyAuldWumman · 10/02/2025 17:07

CustardySergeant · 10/02/2025 17:05

Yes, I bet that's exactly what happened. Very astute comment.

Show quote history

That sounds right.

With the situation with regard to my husband, we found out that his son had no idea that he'd not been invited to his only grandchild's 18th.

Lilyundervalley · 10/02/2025 17:08

Flossflower · 10/02/2025 16:11

Well they obviously didn’t tell you because they wanted parents only ( with exception for sister who could not travel). They were worried if you found out you would ask to come, The fact that the brides parents had to travel a long way does not make them any less important. They are certainly more important than you.
They did not want to make a big thing out of this wedding and the more they invited the more it would grow. If they invited you they would have to invite the brides siblings.

Show quote history

They did invite the bride's brother.

FancyBiscuitsLevel · 10/02/2025 17:09

If there’s a group chat, I think I’d send something like: “Hi all, just an update that DP and I won’t be at db’s party in x country. It’s very expensive to go and while we could justify the cost to attend a wedding, as he and dw are already married and this is just the wedding reception/party, we are going to have to pass.” Then say something lovely about the photos, your mums “mother of the groom outfit” etc. cheerful not aggressive. You aren’t flying to another country for a party.

Then arrange something fabulous with the money you’ve saved.

Original poster
SweetBabyCheesus · 10/02/2025 17:10

CreationNat1on · 10/02/2025 17:02

Sorry if it's been said already: is it possible they were evening things out between you and your sis. She can't go to the overseas one, so she gets to be the only sibling at the registry office. Putting the two of you on level footing.

Combined with original concept of keeping reg office low key, but then on the day itself they all got excited by the event, and included you by sharing the pics and sharing their excitement with you, whilst also realising, oh oh, we left big sis out of what has turned into a lovely family day.

They know it was wrong, I think they just didn't give enough consideration in advance. Are you the scapegoat for delicate middle sisters foibles?

Not really. She can't help being ill, it's been like this a long time. But everyone tiptoes around her, and him because he's a bit aggy. So I suppose I've just always been in the role of the normalish one that can just be left to it.

OP posts:
thepariscrimefiles · 10/02/2025 17:11

Flossflower · 10/02/2025 16:11

Well they obviously didn’t tell you because they wanted parents only ( with exception for sister who could not travel). They were worried if you found out you would ask to come, The fact that the brides parents had to travel a long way does not make them any less important. They are certainly more important than you.
They did not want to make a big thing out of this wedding and the more they invited the more it would grow. If they invited you they would have to invite the brides siblings.

Show quote history

The bride's sibling was invited.

WearyAuldWumman · 10/02/2025 17:12

That sounds familiar @SweetBabyCheesus . I'm guessing that you're the family member who's reliable and puts others first?

The problem with that - as my late husband found out to his cost - is that you always get pushed to the back.

Original poster
SweetBabyCheesus · 10/02/2025 17:12

Coconutter24 · 10/02/2025 17:00

But equally how would that have gone down, say your at the wedding and another guest asks about the formal side and they say the did that with those that attended…. You’d still be upset

Show quote history

I'm upset because I'm the only sibling that wasn't invited. I'm not just 'another guest'.

OP posts:
VickyEadieofThigh · 10/02/2025 17:12

Starlight1984 · 10/02/2025 16:38

Sorry this is a cop-out and just making excuses.

HOWEVER, if this was the case then why not speak to OP before the day. A conversation that could have very easily taken place and gone something like...

"Hi @SweetBabyCheesus . Me and fiancee are going to have to do our official wedding in the UK before we fly abroad for our big wedding. We can only have 6 in the registry office so, with both sets of parents, that only leaves 2 places. Dsis is going to come as she can't come to our overseas do, and Fiancée wants to invite her brother as he will be flying over with her parents. I'm really sorry and hope you're not pissed off with us"

Still poor but significantly better than everyone going behind OPs back and keeping it secret from her!

Show quote history

But he COULD add (if numbers at registry office was the reason), "So please come for the meal afterwards!"

BettyBardMacDonald · 10/02/2025 17:13

They could have booked a larger room at the registry office.

LookItsMeAgain · 10/02/2025 17:14

My advice would be from this point onwards, be polite but short with them until you get an apology from them.

Don't send them any further messages and don't reach out to them now at this point. The ball is firmly in their court and they must be the ones to reach out to you based on how they have treated you.

I wouldn't be making myself available to meet up with any of them for the time being. Be busy.

By keeping this secret from you, I'd have to wonder how many other events in the past they have had that they kept secret from you.

thepariscrimefiles · 10/02/2025 17:14

PlanningTowns · 10/02/2025 16:16

There is no clutching at straws here, it’s very simple. You weren’t invited. Doesn’t really matter the reason (or the ones they use to minimise their guilt). Everyone was invited but you. That exclusion and the reason it feels shit is because it is bullying… and shit.

your brother knows, he knows because of the ridiculously defensive response he sent to you about being clipped.

honestly I would take a big step back and get joy from places that you love and love you. Not that bunch of arseholes. And the wedding abroad - don’t bother. And when your parents need help in older age? Well maybe they can rely on the others and not good reliable you.

you talk about this being the kind of relationship ending behaviour and honestly, it is. Or at the very least a huge reframe.

you may find that you don’t get a call from your brother, and that in itself will be telling because he is expecting you to apologise for being ridiculously hurt.

fuckers the lot of them.

Great post!

Original poster
SweetBabyCheesus · 10/02/2025 17:15

twinsister · 10/02/2025 17:06

You mentioned in an earlier post that you’ve only met your brothers now wife a handful of times, is that right? That seems slightly odd for a 12 year relationship. Is there a reason you haven’t spent much time together? I’m thinking Christmases or family events as well as normal social get togethers with your brother and his partner given he and you are close. Is it possible there is something connected between how much time you’ve spent together and this wedding incident? Grasping at straws here!

No, it's just how we are! We're busy, they're busy, we all work full time... We have dogs that we have to get looked after if we go away, his gf goes to her home country several times a year, including Christmases. It's fine, it's always been fine.

OP posts:
Howmanycatsistoomany · 10/02/2025 17:16

OrangePeel2 · 10/02/2025 17:01

It's not worth ending your sibling relationship over. It likely started with the couple wanting the overseas wedding, and spending all their money they want to spend on their wedding on this day, but have to do the formality of saying the vows in the UK first. Then added in people for witness, then because of X and y reasons justified having others. Unfortunately including those people resulted in one person excluded, but would not have been the intention. Naturally your brother was concerned it looked bad, hence the reply you received. But since the situation wasn't discussed or remedied, and hasn't since been apologised for, it's pretty hurtful. It's hard, but better to understand their consideration of (or lack of), accept it, attend the wedding and be happy enough for them, and take a step back in how you prioritise your relationship with them. It doesn't have to be all or nothing. Go to the wedding, be happy for them, but now you know how much to give of yourself/your time going forwards. You'll regret not going. Swallow your hurt. Move forward. No further confrontation needed.

Your reasoning makes no sense. They could have had 2 witnesses. Or parents and all siblings. Deliberately excluding one sibling (who you're really close to) is shit. The lot of them keeping schtum about the plans for weeks is shit. Bombarding OP photos of her entire family having a wonderful time at her brother's wedding without her is just plain cruel.

The brother wasn't concerned it looked bad - he bloody knew it made him look like an arsehole and when he got found out, instead of apologising profusely, he tried to put it on OP and now he's pulling the silent treatment.

Like hell I'd be going to the wedding party.

Thindog · 10/02/2025 17:17

I am going against the majority here and think you are over reacting.
I can understand that you feel left out, but the two sets of parents were bound to dress up for their meeting and the legal marriage, and there were two family members as witnesses, one of whom cannot attend the proper celebration, but you can.
You live a long way from them and this is just the legal bit, not the proper big do so I can see why they wouldn't invite you.
It's not that you are any less loved.
So stay in contact, it's honestly not worth falling out with your family over this. Go and enjoy the real wedding and take lots of photos for your sister who can't be there.

Watfrordmummy · 10/02/2025 17:17

No you're not. And btw, they're not getting married later in the year they're having a party!!

They're already married.

Sorry

NotISaidTheCat · 10/02/2025 17:18

Does your brother have form for not being able to apologise or admit he was wrong?

greengreyblue · 10/02/2025 17:19

Yanbu that was a horrible thing to do. They should have been open about it and explained reasons for why certain people needed to be there and others not. Then at least you could’ve felt it was fair and been part of it albeit not in person.

Madamecholetsbonnet · 10/02/2025 17:20

What’s the situation with flights and accommodation for the stupid pretend wedding party?

Any of it refundable or that you can change?

Original poster
SweetBabyCheesus · 10/02/2025 17:22

NotISaidTheCat · 10/02/2025 17:18

Does your brother have form for not being able to apologise or admit he was wrong?

I'm not really sure, although it would fit with other aspects of his personality 🤣
To be fair, thinking about it, he's a stubborn bastard. But so am I. We're actually quite alike, which is why we get on so well.
So why do this to me and not expect me to be hurt and angry?? It doesn't make sense, does it?

OP posts:
Doobeedoodoo · 10/02/2025 17:23

There is no way i would be paying thousands to go to their actual wedding after all this. No fucking way.

There is something really wrong with your family if they thought it was ok to literally bombard you with all the pics of the event and none of them, none one thought ‘this is fucking horrible’. They are NOT normal.

Tbh, i wouldn’t even let them know i’m not going to the ‘main’ event. Book a holiday instead.

There is a reason why you moved away 150 miles and no, you are not being unreasonable at all. It’s unforgivable.

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