Am I being an absolute baby over this? Need some advice please

[SweetBabyCheesus]

Apologies, prepare yourselves, this is a long one!

I'm 54, & my brother is 45. We are really close, and I would consider him one of my best friends, and I thought he thought the same.

My brother is getting married abroad later in the year. His fiancée is from the country that they are marrying in, although she lives with him in the UK. They have been together for about 12 years, I think. We all get on great.

A few weeks ago, midweek, my stepdad sent me a pic of my mum all dressed up. I sent my mum a message asking where she was going looking so glam - and she replied that she was going to my brother's wedding in London. Then said that it was just a formality and they had to do this to enable the wedding in the autumn abroad. My mum and stepdad were there, my sister was there as she can't go to the 'proper' wedding, and my brother's fiancée (wife!)'s parents and brother were there (from their home country).

I was at this point really confused, because despite having spoken to my brother in the last couple of weeks - NOBODY has mentioned this to me at all. Not a word. I speak to my mum at least once a week too.

Then they all started sending me pics, of the wedding at the registry office, pics on the steps of the happy couple, and pics of the meal that they all went to afterwards - and now I'm really starting to feel hurt.

Later in the evening, my brother sent me a pic of them signing the register, saying something along the lines of "just the formal bit before the actual wedding!"

I replied "Congratulations!! Looks like you've all had a lovely day!! ❤️❤️ xxx"
He replied back "Have I done something? That sounded a little clipped"
I messaged him back saying I was absolutely gutted that I knew nothing about this, and that I wasn't invited, and that I really didn't want to spoil his day, so could we speak another time?
I am still waiting for a response, almost 3 weeks later.

I need some opinions. I'm not one for conflict, but I also won't walk away from confrontation if needed. I am beyond hurt. Everyone else in my close family was there apart from me. Her parents flew in from another country, and I wasn't even invited.

My brother is quite a difficult person, but we understand each other and accept each other warts and all. I love him dearly, and he knows that - and trust me, if I had done this to him, he would never forgive me.

I cannot understand in what world, ANY of them couldn't have thought that this would hurt me. My mum thinks that he just 'forgot' to tell me because it wasn't a big deal - but it was enough of a big deal for everyone to dress up, all go out for dinner, and take loads of pictures... Without me.

The point also needs to be made that the message I sent to my brother was in no way "clipped". His message to me smacks of a guilty conscience. So why didn't he invite me?

I'm stuck in this awful limbo of wanting to get this sorted out, but at the same time, I'm sick of smoothing things over to the detriment of my own feelings. Why should I message him again? Why should I fork out thousands of pounds that I honestly don't have, to go to a wedding of someone that apparently cares so little about me?

Am I being unreasonable to be so hurt? Am I being a massive drama queen? Am I making it all about me?

I'm just gutted.

Reading the title of this thread, I was expecting to read about something quite trivial where people would be saying - yes you are being a baby.
But, seriously I would be so, so upset at this and you are definitely not being a baby. Your family have acted incredibly cruelly toward you. Being excluded is bad enough, but not being told about it and then being sent pics of them all enjoying themselves afterward is just so hurtful and either insensitive or downright nasty.
Im not sure how you can move on from this tbh, but I couldn’t just forget about it.

They wouldn't have had to explain anything to me if they hadn't sent me a load of pictures of the wonderful time they were having without me there.

You have been treated appallingly, that was very very hurtful.
Who will be looking after your sister whilst the rest of the family go abroad?
When you and your DP get married just go off with two friends and do it, then do not tell your family you are married, see how hurt they are.

So deeply hurtful and disingenuous to pretend they don't know why you're upset. They all know they've done a shitty thing, and so the only way forward for them is to brazen it out. Anything else is an acknowledgement of how badly they've treated you, and they don't want to deal with that.

In your shoes I would not contact your DB, and unless there was a very good attempt at reparation, I would not be going to the wedding.

Fuck being the placater / fall guy / take it on the chin big sis. Nope. Let your silence embarrass them. And they will paint you as the bad guy, because to do otherwise would mean they were. It will bother you, but they've all chosen to reframe your relationship with them. It's all on them.

My sister had a glee about her the day I was finally told about the holiday she’d planned with my mum for a whole year….

for info, I saw my mother once or twice a week, lived 3miles from her. I wasn’t ever going to go on a holiday with either of them, it wasn’t anything that would have affected me in the slightest had they told me.

i knew my sister was travelling, i even asked my mum when it was that she was travelling on a couple of occasions. Not once did mum say “oh and we’re going too” it wasn’t the fact that she was going away, it was the fact that they kept it from me, both of them, both on purpose and when I said to my sister, oh mums going to x place too… isn’t that a bit weird that she’s kind of crashing a once in a lifetime thing? Oh no, she said, we’ve been planning this all year.

my sister went to a great deal of effort to deliver some really low blows at that time, and all of them were things I would have been far better off never knowing

glee. Gleefully telling someone something to make them feel stupid, hurt and shunned. That’s what really hurt.

She doesn't need looking after. She has some health issues and two teenagers, one of which has additional needs and can't be left.

I can see how the bride and groom saw it as just the paperwork. Needed a witness - it’s nice to ask sister who can’t come abroad. Brides parents then hear about it and decide they’re not missing out, so now we have to have parents from both sides to keep it fair, and they insist on bringing the brother too. But bride and groom still think this is not the real thing and they consider you the sensible one who won’t cause a fuss.

of course with parents coming from abroad they have to do something afterwards. As it gets closer they realise, perhaps not wanting to quite admit it, that this is a bigger deal than intended and you’ve very much been left out. Everyone is feeling low key guilty and doesn’t mention it to you and they hope they can brazen it out. Idk. I can see how it might build slowly and they’ve really invited the absolute minimum number of people they could get away with.

But however much I try to rationalise it, I know that in your place I would be devastated. I also have two siblings and the thought of them meeting up with my parents for any significant event and not even telling me about it stings a lot. It’s mad that your family can’t understand how this looks to you and give you a proper apology.

I feel so sad for you. Obviously, it was your brother's wedding, but how your mum could allow just one of her children to be excluded and to go along with the charade just baffles me. I have three adult children and there is no way I would accept something so thoughtless and cruel happening to one of my children without saying something.

You won’t ever understand this, they won’t ever tell you the truth about it either. You just have to let it go and focus on yourself

that’s all the advice I can give

I have already commented and I think you have been treated really badly but is it not possible that your DM thought your DB would contact you to explain and he just stuck his head in the sand knowing it would be a difficult conversation and that explains why it wasn't mentioned? I get the older child thing and feeling like having to be the reasonable grown up all the time, I am the oldest in my family but being completely honest I think my younger siblings, whilst definitely not scared of me, are quite wary of upsetting me, I think its the sibling dynamic. Like you I don't look for confrontation but I can be quite fiery and happy to stand up for myself when necessary.

At this point I feel you are getting a lot of "there is no excuse, cut them off" responses and whilst no family is perfect you have described having a good and close relationship with your brother who you seem to usually get on with. Your siblings may have different views of their place and status in the family. It seems fairly nuclear to go no contact and not go to the wedding. As other posters have pointed out it is possible that your DB and SIL really don't see that as their real wedding but just the legal stuff that got bigger then intended.

I suspect this may all have arisen due to your DB not wanting to have a difficult conversation that ends with you being hurt. He has handled it appallingly and you have every right to be mad and reflect on how your family treats you more generally but I would be wary of blowing everything up over this. I would try and talk to him, make bullet point notes of what you want to say, try and stay calm and listen to him back.

How old is the brother, does he live at home or moved out? I honestly wouldn’t let it upset you, like I said yanbu to be upset, could be that only so many people are allowed in the room cos of space. It is odd that no one mentioned it but it’s their decision at the end of the day

So my analysis is:

DB is selfish and potentially cheap, probably left you out to cut costs and hid it from you out of pig-headedness... Also because he knows deep down this would be hurtful and didn't want to face and deal with the fact he's left you out, probably for selfish motives like money. Clearly fishing for you to say something on the day so he can sulk.

DM also selfish and playing down your feelings because she had a nice day and she doesn't want to be bothered with the idea that she did something mean by hiding it from you. She's fine so everyone should be fine with it.

Basically I think they're all self involved and rude and they probably won't admit it because deep down they know it, but don't want to admit to selfish motivations.

I'm not sure I could be arsed with the lot of them.

Terrible way for them to treat you. People can be so thoughtless.

In amongst the pain, I'd be figuring out if this was a genuine oversight or did it have an underlying message. If the former, it's hurtful and you can forgive and eventually move on. If the latter, then you have a problem and one which needs an honest conversation

"Fuck being the placater / fall guy / take it on the chin big sis. Nope. Let your silence embarrass them. And they will paint you as the bad guy, because to do otherwise would mean they were. It will bother you, but they've all chosen to reframe your relationship with them. It's all on them."

You know where you stand now OP, so in future "paddle your own canoe".

I've heard of "dysfunctional families" but this takes the biscuit.

I'm sorry you have been so let down and hurt x

mine would! sort of, or attempted it at least - we lived in Windsor, family lived in Ormskirk and Wilmslow, to give you idea of distance.
We had a 16 month old child and a lovely home then decided to be married, so
husband phoned his parents in Wilmslow who didn’t drive, with no expectation of
them coming, just a courtesy call.
I then phoned my Mum to tell her before my sister did.
Mum asked - do you want us to come- I said, no its ok in laws aren’t coming,
she barked “so what?” seriously unpleasant.
No suggestion of “ we could pick them up on the way” etc etc,
all prepared to muscle in excluding the inlaws, Mum is famously divisive.
As a punishment she sent my sister enough money to buy a bottle of champagne
for us all.

Its a rum’un OP but don’t be too upset, where I come from, a kind hearted and pragmatic personwould tell you they are just showing themselves up

Not a good plan toapproach any of them especially brother, as advised ^

I'm so sorry, OP, this is awful behaviour and I don't think I'd ever get over it. It sounds like your stepdad let the cat out of the bag by sending you that photo of your mum - I'm guessing he thought you already knew about the wedding happening that day. Then once Mum told everyone what he'd done and that you knew, it was, "Oh, shit!" and they started love-bombing you with photos to make it seem like this was all totally normal, and that of course you wouldn't mind! Your brother's response was incredibly defensive. He knew exactly what he'd done, and now he's not man enough to apologise, or at the very least, talk it out with you like adults.

They should all be ashamed of themselves.

(Edited for a typo)

But equally how would that have gone down, say your at the wedding and another guest asks about the formal side and they say the did that with those that attended…. You’d still be upset

Yes there was 1 witness from either side of the family

It's not worth ending your sibling relationship over. It likely started with the couple wanting the overseas wedding, and spending all their money they want to spend on their wedding on this day, but have to do the formality of saying the vows in the UK first. Then added in people for witness, then because of X and y reasons justified having others. Unfortunately including those people resulted in one person excluded, but would not have been the intention. Naturally your brother was concerned it looked bad, hence the reply you received. But since the situation wasn't discussed or remedied, and hasn't since been apologised for, it's pretty hurtful. It's hard, but better to understand their consideration of (or lack of), accept it, attend the wedding and be happy enough for them, and take a step back in how you prioritise your relationship with them. It doesn't have to be all or nothing. Go to the wedding, be happy for them, but now you know how much to give of yourself/your time going forwards. You'll regret not going. Swallow your hurt. Move forward. No further confrontation needed.

Oh, and under no circumstances refer to their party in another country as a second wedding, another part of the wedding, the real wedding.

They are married.

They didn’t invite you.

Any further celebrations months away are just a party.

Bastards.

Sorry if it's been said already: is it possible they were evening things out between you and your sis. She can't go to the overseas one, so she gets to be the only sibling at the registry office. Putting the two of you on level footing.

Combined with original concept of keeping reg office low key, but then on the day itself they all got excited by the event, and included you by sharing the pics and sharing their excitement with you, whilst also realising, oh oh, we left big sis out of what has turned into a lovely family day.

They know it was wrong, I think they just didn't give enough consideration in advance. Are you the scapegoat for delicate middle sisters foibles?

In your shoes I certainly wouldn't be attending the overseas wedding. Using up money and annual leave on them? No thanks.

But they didn't mention it, that's the bit that makes it messed up.

I eloped pretty heartlessly to some, kept it from everyone but DH’s immediate family, but if I had sister I was close with there’s no way she wouldn’t have been invited.

Also no idea how your message was clipped, you did everything right. I agree with PP and wouldn’t bother with the ‘real’ wedding.

YNBU

Similar happened to us.

My husband's ex's partner died, so I volunteered to take her to hospital for her procedure - no sign of the adult kids or grandchild stepping up.

On the way home, she told me she was going on a long weekend trip with the daughter and granddaughter for the daughter's 18th. "Oh, that's lovely."

Then we saw the FB posts: Daughter, granddaughter, ex, son, DIL, daughter's best pal. Caption: "Dysfunctional family on tour."

I felt hurt and used and lied to. DH was devastated. (No, I wasn't the OW. The ex had an affair. Her AP died. Less than a year later, she had a new man. He died and the kids rallied round her...Less than a year later, she had Man Number 4.)

I cracked a month or so after my husband's funeral and it all came out...They've gone NC.

DH did ask his daughter why he'd not been invited. "Oh...I didn't think you'd want to come!" [DH was disabled following a stroke but no one asked either of us whether or not he'd manage, so I'm thinking that was just an excuse. He'd previously been excluded from other things, I think to suit his ex.]

I'm sorry, OP. It hurts.