Am I being an absolute baby over this? Need some advice please

[SweetBabyCheesus]

Apologies, prepare yourselves, this is a long one!

I'm 54, & my brother is 45. We are really close, and I would consider him one of my best friends, and I thought he thought the same.

My brother is getting married abroad later in the year. His fiancée is from the country that they are marrying in, although she lives with him in the UK. They have been together for about 12 years, I think. We all get on great.

A few weeks ago, midweek, my stepdad sent me a pic of my mum all dressed up. I sent my mum a message asking where she was going looking so glam - and she replied that she was going to my brother's wedding in London. Then said that it was just a formality and they had to do this to enable the wedding in the autumn abroad. My mum and stepdad were there, my sister was there as she can't go to the 'proper' wedding, and my brother's fiancée (wife!)'s parents and brother were there (from their home country).

I was at this point really confused, because despite having spoken to my brother in the last couple of weeks - NOBODY has mentioned this to me at all. Not a word. I speak to my mum at least once a week too.

Then they all started sending me pics, of the wedding at the registry office, pics on the steps of the happy couple, and pics of the meal that they all went to afterwards - and now I'm really starting to feel hurt.

Later in the evening, my brother sent me a pic of them signing the register, saying something along the lines of "just the formal bit before the actual wedding!"

I replied "Congratulations!! Looks like you've all had a lovely day!! ❤️❤️ xxx"
He replied back "Have I done something? That sounded a little clipped"
I messaged him back saying I was absolutely gutted that I knew nothing about this, and that I wasn't invited, and that I really didn't want to spoil his day, so could we speak another time?
I am still waiting for a response, almost 3 weeks later.

I need some opinions. I'm not one for conflict, but I also won't walk away from confrontation if needed. I am beyond hurt. Everyone else in my close family was there apart from me. Her parents flew in from another country, and I wasn't even invited.

My brother is quite a difficult person, but we understand each other and accept each other warts and all. I love him dearly, and he knows that - and trust me, if I had done this to him, he would never forgive me.

I cannot understand in what world, ANY of them couldn't have thought that this would hurt me. My mum thinks that he just 'forgot' to tell me because it wasn't a big deal - but it was enough of a big deal for everyone to dress up, all go out for dinner, and take loads of pictures... Without me.

The point also needs to be made that the message I sent to my brother was in no way "clipped". His message to me smacks of a guilty conscience. So why didn't he invite me?

I'm stuck in this awful limbo of wanting to get this sorted out, but at the same time, I'm sick of smoothing things over to the detriment of my own feelings. Why should I message him again? Why should I fork out thousands of pounds that I honestly don't have, to go to a wedding of someone that apparently cares so little about me?

Am I being unreasonable to be so hurt? Am I being a massive drama queen? Am I making it all about me?

I'm just gutted.

Yes, all of this. I have to say that - like other pp - I don't think I've ever seen such overtly hurtful behaviour by family members on Mumsnet.

I really feel for you, I'd be so hurt too. If I were in your position I think I'd honestly just maintain the silence at my end, and not to attend the wedding. I know it's much easier said than done from the outside though!

Your mum deserves to be upset. She enabled your brother to exclude you from his wedding by (a) not telling him that it was downright cruel to exclude you and (b) keeping it secret. If she doesn't want her children to fall out, she should tell them that it is not acceptable when they are doing something as shitty as what your brother has done.

Sorry this has happened to you OP
I wouldn't be spending money on the trip abroad ----because that it what it now. is. When anyone asks why not, the answer is simple:
'I was looking forward to going to their wedding abroad but as they are now married, it seems a bit pointless'

Even then, my sister being picked over me was understandable, as she can't go to the overseas one.

But for none of them to mention this to me in any way, over several weeks of phone calls, messages etc. - they knew that I would be upset. So they knew what they were doing was wrong, and did it anyway, and just thought that I would put up and shut up.

And then have the audacity to paint this like it's me being oversensitive!

I think it must cut even deeper because you all get on well so their behaviour is more baffling to you ie it’s out of character to be so spiteful. It’d play on my mind as i like to smooth things over and can’t abide any bad feeling with those I love. I’d probs text the brother and say “all right? What was all that about?” But then I’m too fucking forgiving sometimes 🤷‍♀️

This. Tough shit if her kids fall out. She has caused and enabled it to happen!!!

I stand by my previous post about what I think you could reply. I wouldn't send a long message detailing your hurt, it could be exactly what they want. You need to protect yourself now and set a boundary, not pour out your heart. Write a letter by all means for your healing but I wouldn't let them know at all.

This would have been absolutely fine! I would have been disappointed, of course, but that's life. I would not have been left feeling like I am now, like my whole family has stabbed me in the back!

Theboymolefoxandhorse "For me it would be the secrecy behind it - all of them knowing it was going to happen and then sending you pics on the day like you’re a distant friend - and then the “have I done something wrong” - knowing full fricking well you’d be upset."

Yes, that was downright vicious. I too, would be in tears if I were at the receiving end of this behaviour from my family who I thought loved me! It's baffling that they have done this, frankly.

Message to group chat.

“I wanted to message you all to clarify something about DB’s registry wedding. Of course I’m upset at not being invited and then at seeing all the photos, which I think is natural. But I didn’t make a big deal about it. I sent a nice “congratulations” message, very polite, though I was somewhat surprised. I then got accused of being snippy, why? I think it’s horrible that none of you warned me about it and to just totally surprise me with photos of you all dressed up? I get your point that it was a small thing and “no big deal”. It’s made me realise my place in the family and it’s not a good realisation. So I’m taking a step back for a bit. DB, I haven’t heard back from you so I think it’s best if I don’t attend the next part of the wedding, please accept my apologies. Genuinely wish you and Bride all the best.”

Then mute chat. Mute all of them individually too. Try and put it out of your head for a while.

perhaps it wasn’t a big deal to your DB?

It was certainly a big enough deal for him to deliberately withhold the information from the OP and to rope all of the family into also hiding that fact that they were all attending. Then, when the OP sent a perfectly nice congratulatory message to him, he doubled down on the hurt by being unpleasant in his response.

And usually I am the same. But not this time, this is different. I feel betrayed by all of them, in all sorts of different ways. Things will never be the same again.

This isn’t anything you have done/not done, it’s what THEY CHOSE to do to you

you’re wrestling with it because you can’t make sense of it, but the most simple explanation is that they aren’t the family you thought they were, and you’re not of any importance to them.

again, not you, it’s on them.

the thing I struggle with most about my extremely similar situation is that I needed to reconcile myself to the fact that for ME to do to them what they did to me, I’d have to HATE them with every cell of my being.

you can’t have people like that in your life, it’s like poison, you won’t ever trust any of them again.

distance yourself, lick your wounds, DONT contact anyone, not mother, not brother, nobody. Put yourself and your family first. If any come back from the shower of shite that you have as family, be clear and concise, “I know how you think of me by your actions, these are not actions of people who care for me or want to see me happy. So I’m stepping back, putting myself and my own family first”

let them stew. Leave them to it.

Also @SweetBabyCheesus, your family might be behaving like complete dicks, but at least you know the whole of Mumsnet has your back. It's not often you see a post where literally everybody is on the same side and raging on your behalf.

And she wonders why I don’t really like her. She has form for being spiteful and controlling

No. Leave them to it. They’re sadistic in how they’re treating her. This somehow will show them they’ve hurt her and they will get something from it.

radio silence speaks louder volumes

I think this is the most unanimous thread I have seen for a while! I’d be tempted to send them the link and then BLOCK 🤣

Maybe the wife wanted one of her parents to be a witness and her brother and then the other parent came along to travel with them 🤷‍♀️

'So many' other incidents like this too.
Loads......
My oh would say do you want to come round and she would say something like I will see what the others are doing first. We offered to help her so many times but now have given up and I don't think my oh or our children have much respect for her anymore.
She has put one set of the family above everything else and now can get on with it whatever happens as we aren't interested anymore. The love has gone so we are superficially polite but that's it.
It will be a relief for you to shake off the shit.

In some countries (eg France) there is a presidency requirement - 6 weeks from memory. So if you get 'married' there without having been there for six weeks, you are not legally married.

Maybe the wife wanted one of her parents to be a witness? Who knows but they don’t have to explain their reasons to no one

(Sorry, HRTFT)

In my opinion, they've already had the wedding! Formalities my arse, a registry office, all dolled up, with people flying in isn't formalities! They've not included you in that, therefore the second wedding is for show/friends etc and not worth attending.
You have every right to be hurt by this. He knows exactly what he was doing on that day. It seems that for some reason he thinks that you won't kick up a fuss about it. Which you probably won't, being a smoother over. Hence he feels he can just walk all over you and hurt your feelings because "you won't mind"!
I'd go very very quiet now. Wait and see if he gets in touch with you. But then going by the 3 week silence, it seems doubtful!
Shown his true colours there I'm afraid, when push came to shove. I'm so sorry 💐

My sister and the bride's brother were the witnesses. Pretty sure the brother is still coming to the other wedding though, in his home country.

You only have 2 witnesses. And there were 6 people there other than the bride and groom.