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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I being an absolute baby over this? Need some advice please

1000 replies

SweetBabyCheesus · 10/02/2025 13:13

Apologies, prepare yourselves, this is a long one!

I'm 54, & my brother is 45. We are really close, and I would consider him one of my best friends, and I thought he thought the same.

My brother is getting married abroad later in the year. His fiancée is from the country that they are marrying in, although she lives with him in the UK. They have been together for about 12 years, I think. We all get on great.

A few weeks ago, midweek, my stepdad sent me a pic of my mum all dressed up. I sent my mum a message asking where she was going looking so glam - and she replied that she was going to my brother's wedding in London. Then said that it was just a formality and they had to do this to enable the wedding in the autumn abroad. My mum and stepdad were there, my sister was there as she can't go to the 'proper' wedding, and my brother's fiancée (wife!)'s parents and brother were there (from their home country).

I was at this point really confused, because despite having spoken to my brother in the last couple of weeks - NOBODY has mentioned this to me at all. Not a word. I speak to my mum at least once a week too.

Then they all started sending me pics, of the wedding at the registry office, pics on the steps of the happy couple, and pics of the meal that they all went to afterwards - and now I'm really starting to feel hurt.

Later in the evening, my brother sent me a pic of them signing the register, saying something along the lines of "just the formal bit before the actual wedding!"

I replied "Congratulations!! Looks like you've all had a lovely day!! ❤️❤️ xxx"
He replied back "Have I done something? That sounded a little clipped"
I messaged him back saying I was absolutely gutted that I knew nothing about this, and that I wasn't invited, and that I really didn't want to spoil his day, so could we speak another time?
I am still waiting for a response, almost 3 weeks later.

I need some opinions. I'm not one for conflict, but I also won't walk away from confrontation if needed. I am beyond hurt. Everyone else in my close family was there apart from me. Her parents flew in from another country, and I wasn't even invited.

My brother is quite a difficult person, but we understand each other and accept each other warts and all. I love him dearly, and he knows that - and trust me, if I had done this to him, he would never forgive me.

I cannot understand in what world, ANY of them couldn't have thought that this would hurt me. My mum thinks that he just 'forgot' to tell me because it wasn't a big deal - but it was enough of a big deal for everyone to dress up, all go out for dinner, and take loads of pictures... Without me.

The point also needs to be made that the message I sent to my brother was in no way "clipped". His message to me smacks of a guilty conscience. So why didn't he invite me?

I'm stuck in this awful limbo of wanting to get this sorted out, but at the same time, I'm sick of smoothing things over to the detriment of my own feelings. Why should I message him again? Why should I fork out thousands of pounds that I honestly don't have, to go to a wedding of someone that apparently cares so little about me?

Am I being unreasonable to be so hurt? Am I being a massive drama queen? Am I making it all about me?

I'm just gutted.

OP posts:
TulipTiptoer · 10/02/2025 16:27

but because of what it told ma about my place in the family and how they see me.

This this this. ^ Within my family (siblings, parents) I realised I was bottom of the pile in some way and I never really knew why as we had never fallen out and we all got along. It's very hurtful to find this out and deal with it.

Thomasina79 · 10/02/2025 16:28

I’m upset on your behalf, they have been so, so mean to you.

no advice, but 🌺 and handhold x

lemonchops100 · 10/02/2025 16:29

OP… how are you going to deal with your mothers betrayal moving forwards once you have calmed down?
I think i would have to cut my brother out of my future for my own sanity and it doesn’t sound like you have much of a relationship with your sister anyway so that’s an easy one

Original poster
SweetBabyCheesus · 10/02/2025 16:29

It's just shit.

If I confront him, it will be an argument, no question, we are both fiery. What will be the conclusion of that remains to be seen. I'm not afraid of that happening, I would just rather avoid it.

But if I ignore it and wait for him to contact me - I will forever be seen as the petty/unreasonable one.

Either way, they have put a hole in the relationships with all of them for ever.

Damned if I do, and damned if I don't.

OP posts:
chucklelint · 10/02/2025 16:30

Your mum is weak as is my mother in law.
My mum would never have done this sort of thing.

Original poster
SweetBabyCheesus · 10/02/2025 16:31

TulipTiptoer · 10/02/2025 16:27

but because of what it told ma about my place in the family and how they see me.

This this this. ^ Within my family (siblings, parents) I realised I was bottom of the pile in some way and I never really knew why as we had never fallen out and we all got along. It's very hurtful to find this out and deal with it.

YES!!!

OP posts:
KnickerFolder · 10/02/2025 16:31

I completely understand how you feel but, equally, maybe you are reading too much into this, perhaps it wasn’t a big deal to your DB? Your thinking of this as their “real” wedding but presumably they don’t feel the same way, it was just a formality to them. I can see how practicalities might have meant that they could only invite 6 people (a limit on numbers at the registry office), they asked your DS to be a witness because she can’t attend the wedding, then the DF felt she should ask her sibling to be the other witness as it would be unfair to pick one parent. Maybe they were trying to make things equal between you and your DS? I’ve been to quite a few weddings in Europe where the legal marriage (to comply with local law) has taken place weeks before the actual wedding (eg France where you have to have a civil wedding at the town hall) but no one thinks of the legal ceremony as being the “real” wedding 🤷‍♀️ As much as it is very hurtful, I’m not sure your analogy of it being like only getting an invitation to the evening do is true. I think you might be reading too much into this.

ButIToldYouSoooo · 10/02/2025 16:32

SweetBabyCheesus · 10/02/2025 13:34

In all honesty, I feel like telling him to stick his wedding up his arse. But this is the stuff that feuds to the death are made of - and it really upsets my mum if any of us fall out. I get that, I have kids of my own.

But we don't fall out, just the general sibling bickering. We love each other. But I am feeling really fucking unloved about this, and I don't think I can get over it.

This is not what I'm like generally, not at all. I am the peacemaker and the smoother. But not this time.

I suspect it doesn't really 'upset' your mum in the sense of genuine remorse. She knew what she was doing (not telling you) and she knew you'd be upset and likely fall out over it. And she did it anyway. Imagine you're the one expected to 'overlook' the deliberate slight and fix it so everyone else isn't upset.

Also why you moved away, right? You're the one always expected to 'play nice' while the other 2 are catered to and you have to 'get over it'.

Fuck em.

WhatsTheEffingPoint · 10/02/2025 16:32

Lots of what you have written hit home with me OP.
Your family behaved appallingly, how any of them can think it's acceptable to keep it all quiet then send you lots of photos is beyond me.
My family has behaved similar over the years, i too would get upset and angry and then I got to a point where I thought I can't keep letting them do this so I went seriously low contact.
It's hard and very hurtful when you realise you don't matter to people as much as they do to you but if I were you I wouldn't be going out of my way to make amends. And if anyone has something to say, stick to the facts and flip it back on to them with a 'how would that make you feel?' And don't fill the silence for them!
Take comfort in your DH and be kind to yourself, this is very much a them problem and not a you problem.

Strawberrypicnic · 10/02/2025 16:32

So sorry you're feeling so hurt.

Have there ever been issues between any of them and your partner, and they didn't want to have to invite him and you were collateral damage? Of course that still wouldn't excuse the way they've gone about it, which is totally bizarre and thoughtless at best and deliberately cruel at worst.

chucklelint · 10/02/2025 16:32

SweetBabyCheesus · 10/02/2025 16:29

It's just shit.

If I confront him, it will be an argument, no question, we are both fiery. What will be the conclusion of that remains to be seen. I'm not afraid of that happening, I would just rather avoid it.

But if I ignore it and wait for him to contact me - I will forever be seen as the petty/unreasonable one.

Either way, they have put a hole in the relationships with all of them for ever.

Damned if I do, and damned if I don't.

Just don't go to wedding abroad.
He could have explained reasons for why you couldn't come to this event at home. You were sent photos by others. Course you are hurt. You know your place and value in their lives now. Fuck them.....

DoloresODonovan · 10/02/2025 16:33

TulipTiptoer · 10/02/2025 15:51

@SweetBabyCheesus I really feel for you. This is awful. You say you have a close relationship with your Mother, but not being provocative... what Mother would go to this ceremony whilst keeping you away from it? I have adult DCs and I would be saying "hang on, what about Cheesus. I'm not coming if she can't come, you cannot leave her out".

It's no good her saying it's not a big deal. It IS a big deal. To be one sibling deliberately excluded is just not on. Do not contact your brother. Wait for him.

I totally get this situation because I have had different things happen like this to me and it's always been "Oh Tulip will be fine, don't worry about her". And sometimes I'm not fine and it's not OK. And my Mother used to just tell me not to make a fuss, just like yours. Sometimes you get sick of being the afterthought. I always gave in to keep the peace too, but you don't forget.

I would be exactly the same, this is awful, divisive behaviour,
which is indeed a big deal, of course it.is!

It is disrespectful, inexcusable, perverse.

You know,the expression oft quoted here -
When someone shows you who they are, believe them ?-
well Maya Angelou was speaking directly to you that day.

lemonchops100 · 10/02/2025 16:33

SweetBabyCheesus · 10/02/2025 16:29

It's just shit.

If I confront him, it will be an argument, no question, we are both fiery. What will be the conclusion of that remains to be seen. I'm not afraid of that happening, I would just rather avoid it.

But if I ignore it and wait for him to contact me - I will forever be seen as the petty/unreasonable one.

Either way, they have put a hole in the relationships with all of them for ever.

Damned if I do, and damned if I don't.

You need to send a group text / whatsapp / email so nobody can interpret anything differently… that way you can concisely write everything calmly… i wouldn’t give them any face to face chats as they will again gaslight you and you will wish you had maybe said things a little differently

paranoiaofpufflings · 10/02/2025 16:34

My comment is just repeating so it seems pointless, but I couldn't not comment, because I'd be nothing short of devastated about this. I actually felt that jolt in my stomach reading your opening post imagining if that was me and my family.

They didn't invite you to their wedding, plain and simple. They didn't forget, they just didn't invite. All of them, the whole family, must have known about this. That betrayal really hurts.

If it was a case of you going to the overseas wedding and the others weren't, they could and should have still given you the option to attend both. If it was a case of limited number, they could have told you.

Just so deeply hurtful. I feel so awful for you ❤️

I don't think I'd be going to the overseas wedding without a heart to heart first. But that needs to come from your brother.

chucklelint · 10/02/2025 16:34

WhatsTheEffingPoint · 10/02/2025 16:32

Lots of what you have written hit home with me OP.
Your family behaved appallingly, how any of them can think it's acceptable to keep it all quiet then send you lots of photos is beyond me.
My family has behaved similar over the years, i too would get upset and angry and then I got to a point where I thought I can't keep letting them do this so I went seriously low contact.
It's hard and very hurtful when you realise you don't matter to people as much as they do to you but if I were you I wouldn't be going out of my way to make amends. And if anyone has something to say, stick to the facts and flip it back on to them with a 'how would that make you feel?' And don't fill the silence for them!
Take comfort in your DH and be kind to yourself, this is very much a them problem and not a you problem.

So well put.
Go on holiday with your own close people instead.

DoloresODonovan · 10/02/2025 16:34

OPsee how upset and angry we are on your behalf.

Original poster
SweetBabyCheesus · 10/02/2025 16:34

Strawberrypicnic · 10/02/2025 16:32

So sorry you're feeling so hurt.

Have there ever been issues between any of them and your partner, and they didn't want to have to invite him and you were collateral damage? Of course that still wouldn't excuse the way they've gone about it, which is totally bizarre and thoughtless at best and deliberately cruel at worst.

Edited

No, nothing at all. The 4 of us had a day out at a theme park in the summer and it was great. Nothing like that. Believe me, I racked my brains trying to think of something that either of us have done to upset them.

OP posts:
thepariscrimefiles · 10/02/2025 16:35

SweetBabyCheesus · 10/02/2025 13:23

Omg, just the first few replies, and I am in tears that I'm not overreacting. I spent that whole day crying, on and off, and the whole thing has made me feel like a right sap about it all.

My mum minimised my feelings, because that's what she does. She's in her 70s, she's not going to change now! She just insists that nobody thought it would matter to me and that she doesn't really understand why I'm upset.

I feel fucking gaslit by the whole lot of them tbh.

Your message to your brother wasn't snippy at all. It was a really nice message. He must have a guilty conscience to react like he did. Of course he knew that he had done something pretty awful by excluding you, the only person from your immediate family not to be there.

Your mum sounds awful as well. She colluded in your exclusion by deliberately not telling you what was happening. I would be pulling right back from all of them.

MrsPerfectlyFine · 10/02/2025 16:35

words fail me @SweetBabyCheesus …..how sad, disappointing and heart breaking for you 😢 I am also the oldest child/sibling and think that I’m expected to tolerate bad parental/sibling behaviours. Nothing to this level though.
I’d suggest this is your ‘reset’ time now. See them as they are, recognise where they see you and put yourself where YOU believe you belong. You deserve their respect and thought and acknowledgment that this is not acceptable. Reset your own boundaries, they won’t like that I can tell you, but do it. I have. It’s difficult but quite liberating. Sending much love and kindness your way ♥️

CustardySergeant · 10/02/2025 16:37

sweetpickle2 · 10/02/2025 15:38

Gosh, how hurtful!

Not inviting you in the first place would upset me too, but I would probably just quietly seethe and do my best to get over this as I do believe people should have whatever wedding they want.

But all sending you pics and updates on the day? Your brother spoiling for a fight about it then subsequently ignoring you? That is downright malicious. I am not surprised you are upset.

Yes, that's the word for their behaviour, malicious. How appalling for them all to behave so hurtfully. Unforgiveable in fact.
I'm terribly sorry you have been so badly hurt, SweetBabyCheesus. I'm glad that you feel supported by the posters here. I think we all wish we could give you a hug.

Flossflower · 10/02/2025 16:37

SweetBabyCheesus · 10/02/2025 16:16

The bride's brother was there.

Show quote history

Sorry I didn’t read that. So equal numbers on both sides. Your sister was picked over you.
OP, I do feel for you. I am just playing devils advocate.
Nothing like this would surprise me in my birth family but I am used to it and gave up caring long ago.

Nowthesaidmother · 10/02/2025 16:37

Starlight1984 · 10/02/2025 16:13

I really feel for you. This is awful. You say you have a close relationship with your Mother, but not being provocative... what Mother would go to this ceremony whilst keeping you away from it? I have adult DCs and I would be saying "hang on, what about Cheesus. I'm not coming if she can't come, you cannot leave her out".

This, what @TulipTiptoer has said. Which mother in her right mind would think this was ok???

Exactly this. My mother has done this to me but I wouldn't say we are close, or she's in her right mind 🙄

Madamecholetsbonnet · 10/02/2025 16:37

I would be very hurt and I am usually quite thick skinned.

You weren’t invited to their wedding. Only to the after party in another country.

You have agreed to considerable expense in time and money I assume to attend what you mistakenly thought was your brothers wedding.

I wouldn’t go. If you can’t get flights refunded or change the date, just book a hotel an hour in the opposite direction from the airport.

Starlight1984 · 10/02/2025 16:38

KnickerFolder · 10/02/2025 16:31

I completely understand how you feel but, equally, maybe you are reading too much into this, perhaps it wasn’t a big deal to your DB? Your thinking of this as their “real” wedding but presumably they don’t feel the same way, it was just a formality to them. I can see how practicalities might have meant that they could only invite 6 people (a limit on numbers at the registry office), they asked your DS to be a witness because she can’t attend the wedding, then the DF felt she should ask her sibling to be the other witness as it would be unfair to pick one parent. Maybe they were trying to make things equal between you and your DS? I’ve been to quite a few weddings in Europe where the legal marriage (to comply with local law) has taken place weeks before the actual wedding (eg France where you have to have a civil wedding at the town hall) but no one thinks of the legal ceremony as being the “real” wedding 🤷‍♀️ As much as it is very hurtful, I’m not sure your analogy of it being like only getting an invitation to the evening do is true. I think you might be reading too much into this.

Sorry this is a cop-out and just making excuses.

HOWEVER, if this was the case then why not speak to OP before the day. A conversation that could have very easily taken place and gone something like...

"Hi @SweetBabyCheesus . Me and fiancee are going to have to do our official wedding in the UK before we fly abroad for our big wedding. We can only have 6 in the registry office so, with both sets of parents, that only leaves 2 places. Dsis is going to come as she can't come to our overseas do, and Fiancée wants to invite her brother as he will be flying over with her parents. I'm really sorry and hope you're not pissed off with us"

Still poor but significantly better than everyone going behind OPs back and keeping it secret from her!

Rowen32 · 10/02/2025 16:38

SweetBabyCheesus · 10/02/2025 14:50

No. I am not doing this. Enough is enough.

Show quote history

Totally agree OP. Enough is enough. Doing as that poster suggested is why people get away with abusing other people because the other person is supposed to put up and shut up - NO

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