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Original poster

Am I being an absolute baby over this? Need some advice please

1000 replies

SweetBabyCheesus · 10/02/2025 13:13

Apologies, prepare yourselves, this is a long one!

I'm 54, & my brother is 45. We are really close, and I would consider him one of my best friends, and I thought he thought the same.

My brother is getting married abroad later in the year. His fiancée is from the country that they are marrying in, although she lives with him in the UK. They have been together for about 12 years, I think. We all get on great.

A few weeks ago, midweek, my stepdad sent me a pic of my mum all dressed up. I sent my mum a message asking where she was going looking so glam - and she replied that she was going to my brother's wedding in London. Then said that it was just a formality and they had to do this to enable the wedding in the autumn abroad. My mum and stepdad were there, my sister was there as she can't go to the 'proper' wedding, and my brother's fiancée (wife!)'s parents and brother were there (from their home country).

I was at this point really confused, because despite having spoken to my brother in the last couple of weeks - NOBODY has mentioned this to me at all. Not a word. I speak to my mum at least once a week too.

Then they all started sending me pics, of the wedding at the registry office, pics on the steps of the happy couple, and pics of the meal that they all went to afterwards - and now I'm really starting to feel hurt.

Later in the evening, my brother sent me a pic of them signing the register, saying something along the lines of "just the formal bit before the actual wedding!"

I replied "Congratulations!! Looks like you've all had a lovely day!! ❤️❤️ xxx"
He replied back "Have I done something? That sounded a little clipped"
I messaged him back saying I was absolutely gutted that I knew nothing about this, and that I wasn't invited, and that I really didn't want to spoil his day, so could we speak another time?
I am still waiting for a response, almost 3 weeks later.

I need some opinions. I'm not one for conflict, but I also won't walk away from confrontation if needed. I am beyond hurt. Everyone else in my close family was there apart from me. Her parents flew in from another country, and I wasn't even invited.

My brother is quite a difficult person, but we understand each other and accept each other warts and all. I love him dearly, and he knows that - and trust me, if I had done this to him, he would never forgive me.

I cannot understand in what world, ANY of them couldn't have thought that this would hurt me. My mum thinks that he just 'forgot' to tell me because it wasn't a big deal - but it was enough of a big deal for everyone to dress up, all go out for dinner, and take loads of pictures... Without me.

The point also needs to be made that the message I sent to my brother was in no way "clipped". His message to me smacks of a guilty conscience. So why didn't he invite me?

I'm stuck in this awful limbo of wanting to get this sorted out, but at the same time, I'm sick of smoothing things over to the detriment of my own feelings. Why should I message him again? Why should I fork out thousands of pounds that I honestly don't have, to go to a wedding of someone that apparently cares so little about me?

Am I being unreasonable to be so hurt? Am I being a massive drama queen? Am I making it all about me?

I'm just gutted.

OP posts:
Christwosheds · 10/02/2025 16:13

AluckyEllie · 10/02/2025 13:21

That’s incredibly unkind. It’s incredibly unkind to ignore one member of the family, if it was just parents you would understand. But other siblings were invited.

There clearly is something more at play and this wasn’t an accidental’forgot to invite’ because why didn’t your mum or brother even mention it. They’ve deliberately kept you in the dark. Do you do a lot for them? Are they used to you just putting up with their selfish behaviour? And the cheek of your brother to say ‘sounds a bit clipped’ when he knew that was a bombshell. Arrogant bastard.

Agree with this, it’s terrible OP, no wonder you are so upset. Why did your sister not tell you ? The keeping it secret thing is as upsetting as the leaving you out thing, why do that to you ? It’s so unkind.

Starlight1984 · 10/02/2025 16:13

I really feel for you. This is awful. You say you have a close relationship with your Mother, but not being provocative... what Mother would go to this ceremony whilst keeping you away from it? I have adult DCs and I would be saying "hang on, what about Cheesus. I'm not coming if she can't come, you cannot leave her out".

This, what @TulipTiptoer has said. Which mother in her right mind would think this was ok???

Original poster
SweetBabyCheesus · 10/02/2025 16:13

Sunat45degrees · 10/02/2025 16:00

Do you know, I'm starting to wonder if they all talked about this, and agreed it made sense for you not to come because a) they needed limited people, b) you live far away c) you're definitly coming to the big shindig in the other country but then, EITHER, they therefore are defensive because to them it seems so obvious and theyre not getting that it's teh secrecy you are upset about OR, they have decided that you are "sensitive" and that's why they consciously didn't tell you about it and now you being upset has made them all sit around nodding to each other while murmering, "see, this iss why we didn't tell her. She's so hysterical about this stuff."

Obviously, to be clear, I think they are 100% wrong. But I can't help wondering if actually there are more issues in this dynamic than perhaps you were consciously aware of and possibly you've been ignoring a lot for a long time.

Out of the 3 of us siblings, I am the one to make the least fuss. I am the one least likely to have an argument with anyone. But how can that translate in their minds to me not being bothered about being at my brother's wedding??

OP posts:
Unrealnotunrealistic · 10/02/2025 16:14

It’s lying by omission, and deeply disturbing. I had the same experience regarding family and became the scapegoat for being ‘jealous’. It changed my whole perception of them all, for good.

Tessasanderson · 10/02/2025 16:14

I kind of know the pain. I found out 6 months after my db got married. Once i did a little checking i realised my parents had been there too and hadn't mentioned his marriage in 6 months. As you can tell we are not the kind of family that keeps in regular contact.

I didnt speak to him for at least 3 years but time heals. I now see him weekly for a coffee, chats, etc. He hasnt changed but when we spend time together we get on really well. I just havent to 5 seconds for his wife tbh, she is a hard faced cow.

Smittenkitchen · 10/02/2025 16:14

Flossflower · 10/02/2025 16:11

Well they obviously didn’t tell you because they wanted parents only ( with exception for sister who could not travel). They were worried if you found out you would ask to come, The fact that the brides parents had to travel a long way does not make them any less important. They are certainly more important than you.
They did not want to make a big thing out of this wedding and the more they invited the more it would grow. If they invited you they would have to invite the brides siblings.

Show quote history

Bride's brother was there.

Original poster
SweetBabyCheesus · 10/02/2025 16:14

HotCrossBunplease · 10/02/2025 16:02

Yes, surely your stepdad can’t really think you wouldn’t be bothered? I reckon he, in typical man style, assumed you knew about it but had some reason why you couldn’t make it/had decided to wait till wedding abroad to celebrate. “Typical man style” meaning he wasn’t interested in the actual reason, just assumed it had all been discussed by you and your Mum.

Edited

I think this too.

OP posts:
lemonchops100 · 10/02/2025 16:15

OP in no way are you being unreasonable… you have been totally mugged off by the people who should have your back …
I could now not attend the overseas wedding as i would feel like an imposter who was only there as i paid to go (flight/accomidation etc)
You need to calmly and precisely write a text to all the family members who have hurt you in this way stating exactly how they have made you feel… there are no excuses for what they have done … they simply cannot fob you off with “oh we thought you wouldn’t care” or “ oh it’s not the real wedding” or “ you live a long way away so thought you wouldn’t want to bother” in your situation i would be feeling absolutely devastated and you need to let them know that if the shoe was on the other foot and it was your wedding how they would feel to be the ONLY guests to be left out…. i honestly would have no words other than that… then i would leave them to it as they have made it positively clear what you mean to them… your mum would have been stuck in the middle but if i were in her shoes i would have given my son the ultimatum of either you tell her or i do as it is going to jeopardise yours and your mums relationship which is also unfair… your brother sounds like an entitled little twat

TulipTiptoer · 10/02/2025 16:15

Starlight1984 · 10/02/2025 16:13

I really feel for you. This is awful. You say you have a close relationship with your Mother, but not being provocative... what Mother would go to this ceremony whilst keeping you away from it? I have adult DCs and I would be saying "hang on, what about Cheesus. I'm not coming if she can't come, you cannot leave her out".

This, what @TulipTiptoer has said. Which mother in her right mind would think this was ok???

Exactly! We, as mothers have to facilitate good relationships between our children! Not make them worse by keeping secrets!

alwaysdeleteyourcookies · 10/02/2025 16:15

Flossflower · 10/02/2025 16:11

Well they obviously didn’t tell you because they wanted parents only ( with exception for sister who could not travel). They were worried if you found out you would ask to come, The fact that the brides parents had to travel a long way does not make them any less important. They are certainly more important than you.
They did not want to make a big thing out of this wedding and the more they invited the more it would grow. If they invited you they would have to invite the brides siblings.

Show quote history

Well, in that case, why send her pictures of what a fabulous day they're all having? It's completely unnecessary.

Tootiredforthis23 · 10/02/2025 16:15

Flossflower · 10/02/2025 16:11

Well they obviously didn’t tell you because they wanted parents only ( with exception for sister who could not travel). They were worried if you found out you would ask to come, The fact that the brides parents had to travel a long way does not make them any less important. They are certainly more important than you.
They did not want to make a big thing out of this wedding and the more they invited the more it would grow. If they invited you they would have to invite the brides siblings.

Show quote history

The brides brother was there though and he flew in from a different country!

I think it sounds as if he knows he’s done wrong, calling your message clipped and jumping to confrontation like that. At best it was just an oversight and they thought you wouldn’t want to travel for that as well as the wedding. Otherwise I can only think he excluded you out of spite but it sounds as if there’s no reason to do so.

Doggymummar · 10/02/2025 16:16

Not unreasonable at all. This is the real wedding. This is the date of the wedding anniversary. The other ceremony is just for pictures and has no legal standing.

chucklelint · 10/02/2025 16:16

What they did was appalling despite what previous poster just said. Your brother and family should have explained this prior if this was the case.
I would not go to wedding abroad.
For me I would be done with my family for this.
Pathetic bunch of losers.

Original poster
SweetBabyCheesus · 10/02/2025 16:16

Flossflower · 10/02/2025 16:11

Well they obviously didn’t tell you because they wanted parents only ( with exception for sister who could not travel). They were worried if you found out you would ask to come, The fact that the brides parents had to travel a long way does not make them any less important. They are certainly more important than you.
They did not want to make a big thing out of this wedding and the more they invited the more it would grow. If they invited you they would have to invite the brides siblings.

Show quote history

The bride's brother was there.

OP posts:
PlanningTowns · 10/02/2025 16:16

There is no clutching at straws here, it’s very simple. You weren’t invited. Doesn’t really matter the reason (or the ones they use to minimise their guilt). Everyone was invited but you. That exclusion and the reason it feels shit is because it is bullying… and shit.

your brother knows, he knows because of the ridiculously defensive response he sent to you about being clipped.

honestly I would take a big step back and get joy from places that you love and love you. Not that bunch of arseholes. And the wedding abroad - don’t bother. And when your parents need help in older age? Well maybe they can rely on the others and not good reliable you.

you talk about this being the kind of relationship ending behaviour and honestly, it is. Or at the very least a huge reframe.

you may find that you don’t get a call from your brother, and that in itself will be telling because he is expecting you to apologise for being ridiculously hurt.

fuckers the lot of them.

AlohaRose · 10/02/2025 16:19

@Flossflower
They were worried if you found out you would ask to come.

At which point they could have explained that they didn't have space or that this was purely for legal reasons, hence only parents and the one sibling who could not travel. Except of course that turns out not to be true.

If they invited you they would have to invite the brides siblings.

They DID invite the bride's siblings! Her brother was there!

CustardySergeant · 10/02/2025 16:19

MTP312 · 10/02/2025 14:34

By saying what he did in his 2nd message (in reply to your perfectly lovely "Congratulations" text) he was goading you to say something. And you understandably did.

He was probably expecting a "oh no, where was my invite" straight away from you and didnt get it, as his bizarre "Have I done something? That sounded a little clipped" seems very out of place.

Nasty.

I couldn't agree more. A bit sadistic.

Original poster
SweetBabyCheesus · 10/02/2025 16:19

TulipTiptoer · 10/02/2025 16:15

Exactly! We, as mothers have to facilitate good relationships between our children! Not make them worse by keeping secrets!

Show quote history

Precisely this. I would NEVER show anything that could be translated to showing favour like that. I love them all the same and I would defend them all the same.

OP posts:
Cattery · 10/02/2025 16:20

PlanningTowns · 10/02/2025 16:16

There is no clutching at straws here, it’s very simple. You weren’t invited. Doesn’t really matter the reason (or the ones they use to minimise their guilt). Everyone was invited but you. That exclusion and the reason it feels shit is because it is bullying… and shit.

your brother knows, he knows because of the ridiculously defensive response he sent to you about being clipped.

honestly I would take a big step back and get joy from places that you love and love you. Not that bunch of arseholes. And the wedding abroad - don’t bother. And when your parents need help in older age? Well maybe they can rely on the others and not good reliable you.

you talk about this being the kind of relationship ending behaviour and honestly, it is. Or at the very least a huge reframe.

you may find that you don’t get a call from your brother, and that in itself will be telling because he is expecting you to apologise for being ridiculously hurt.

fuckers the lot of them.

Brilliant x

LookItsMeAgain · 10/02/2025 16:21

SweetBabyCheesus · 10/02/2025 13:40

He's just quite a difficult person! He knows that too.
He is quite argumentative and confrontational, and very straightforward. Like I say, if this were the other way round, he would have made his feelings very clear.

Show quote history

Based on this, my honest opinion is to meet his response with how he normally responds to you. You can make your feelings on this equally clear.

You are hurt by so many in your family not saying a word and you have no idea why nothing was said to you. There is nothing wrong with stating that as it is how you feel and no one can deny that.

Oh, and I wouldn't be rushing out to get a wedding present or put money in an envelope for the happy couple as, well, they got married and you weren't invited. So...if/when you do go to the "wedding", if you get asked, I'd have that response ready in my back pocket. This is just a party to celebrate that they are in fact married. No more or less than that.

Original poster
SweetBabyCheesus · 10/02/2025 16:23

@PlanningTowns you've made me cry. As have lots of you today. Thank you, truly.

OP posts:
TulipTiptoer · 10/02/2025 16:23

SweetBabyCheesus · 10/02/2025 16:19

Precisely this. I would NEVER show anything that could be translated to showing favour like that. I love them all the same and I would defend them all the same.

Show quote history

I honestly don't know what your Mother was thinking. Your great relationship with her has probably been coloured by this which is a big shame. We as Mums have to balance things between our kids, defend each one individually where necessary, not show favouritism and just foster good relationships between them.
Your Mum has buggered up somewhat.

Rowen32 · 10/02/2025 16:23

SweetBabyCheesus · 10/02/2025 14:20

@AnonymousBleep Us eldest children are always the ones who have to be the bigger person (and are massively taken for granted and expected to be stoical).

I sort of feel like the worm is turning, tbh.

It reads like he deliberately wanted to provoke you OP and when you didn't bite with your text he egged you on till he got the response he wanted (that he'd hurt you). Have no idea why he'd do that but it reads like that to me.
In your position I'd consider taking my power back and sending a text (given recent events and lack of communication when it was warranted most we will not be attending wedding abroad) and give yourself peace of mind and control back instead of him having it.

HarpieDuJour · 10/02/2025 16:23

I'm so sorry, OP. I have had similar experiences with my own family and I tried to paper over the cracks. I sent flowers and congratulations and pretended that my sister had not told my mother not to tell me about the wedding until afterwards, and that my mother had not taken quite so much pleasure in telling me about this instruction.
I don't really have a relationship with either of them any more. Not so much because of what they did, but because of what it told ma about my place in the family and how they see me. I wish I had been more confrontational at the time and saved myself the stress of feeling like I had to make it all right again.

chucklelint · 10/02/2025 16:26

My mother in law has form for this sort of thing and I can't stand her anymore. She had a favourite son and daughter in law and has now fallen out with them and had to get another son and his wife to help her now and based on what I hear she is totally in their life now so they have lost their privacy and own time. She is selfish and was reluctant to live in assisted living but if she falls out with them she's not coming to us as left us out of so many things. A Very manipulative lady. When she got married to her oh she knew we had a trip booked abroad and chose to get married then instead of choosing a date when we were back. The reason was my oh her son and her older son weren't getting on so she chose them over us. These are the people she recently fell out with big time and now sees what we had experienced all the time. But she wanted to only listen to them and their opinions so now has got her come upperaance.

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