Partner wants child for his legacy

[Almost40A]

Name changed for this.

How would you feel if your partner/dh told you he wanted a child to continue his legacy?

We don’t even talk about getting married anymore as it just ends in an argument

@Almost40A if you can't even agree on the wedding then a marriage would probably be a bad idea.

Best case scenario he’s worded it badly
worst case scenario he means what he says and there’s no way I would have a child with someone for that reason

Generally speaking, you should only have a child with someone who absolutely 100% wants to have a child!

I do kind of get on a very basic level the need to “keep up” with his peers. But I’m sure his peers got married, had kids etc because they WANTED to, not because they felt they ought

I think I'd laugh in his face tbh if someone said that.

It doesn't sound like you guys are on the same page anymore. I think it's unwise to get pregnant to someone who isn't willing to engage with discussion of the realities of childcare and maternity leave, and who isn't sticking to the agreement to marry first. He could compromise on the wedding if he wants to TTC soon, but doesn't seem like he's willing to do that.

Not that being married will stop him leaving if it turns out you struggle to conceive.

OP, in your shoes I wouldn't even consider it.

He's messy
He checks out of family life
He has given no consideration to the practicalities, e.g childcare (He expects you to sort it all)
You're tired
You have health complications
Your dc's are moving into a very critical time in their education, I personally found my 2 needed me more than ever when they started high school

I think when considering future children, you should always put the existing ones first, do you have the time, energy, money, bedrooms etc to have another child without it negatively impacting them?

But mainly, it sounds like he wants one for the prestige (see also the wedding plans) rather than for the reality, and I would seriously doubt how actually hands on and involved and supportive He would be if you actually had a baby.

And having a child together would be an equally bad idea.

There’s an epidemic of men thinking they’re all crusaders or royalty or Roman generals or something.

Men want a baby in the same way that children want a puppy.

That seems to be the real issue, isn't it ?

This is not about the "legacy" comment at all, it's about you and him not being able to communicate effectively and being on the same page. The legacy comment just crystallized that in your mind.

Are you still compatible ? Do you still love each other ?

You really need to talk it out. If you can't do that, then the outcome for that relationship sounds pretty bleak (and in your shoes I wouldn't want to bring a baby into this either, especially as you already have children and aren't super keen to have more in the first place.

I’d laugh my ass off.

Thank you. I think you’ve hit the nail on the head really. I haven’t spoken about this to anyone before and it’s really helped me to understand what is going on my head because it seems such a mess sometimes.

communication is a bit of a stickler between us at times as we see things so differently

He sounds very traditional. It doesn’t sound like your values align at all. I would probably split from that point of view as it seems that he is starting to frustrate you - but I think the underlying reason why, isn’t because of the way he phased it (let’s face it, biologically we all kind of have children for legacy sake - whether we express it or not our children are our legacy) I can see that your values do not align at all.

I think you are right to want to be married first, if that is what you value and need before having children. If that’s what you even want.

I think his keeping up with the Joneses attitude just doesn’t match the life that you have built for yourself.

Inthink that is fine. I know couples who live for the limelight - the big weddings, the children, the cute family portrait - and I wonder if there is much substance in the relationship, but who am I to judge. It seems you partner is keen on big gestures, large community and maybe that is how he grew up? Or what he knows. But he seems to think that it’s easy to have a baby - it isn’t in the West anyway and in todays climate.

I don’t think you are wrong but maybe rethink what your common goals are.

Well, why does anyone want a child?

To be honest his vagueness/unrealistic approach to actually parenting is very worrying. You will know yourself , in a way that you might not have when you were younger to look at who people are showing you they are, not what that they are saying. He might be a loving stepfather, but that only means he will probably be a loving father. Not that he will step up and be a fully hands on, sharing care and domestic chores fifty fifty. His comments about child care are worrying, as is his not wanting to seriously discuss a marriage ( not wedding ). Have you discussed the ( small) possibility of a child having additional needs/being disabled.

You said you were open to another child but you are indicating you’re not keen, and that’s reason enough not to have one. In fact it’s a good one. You need to consider all the possibilities including the worst case, of him not being up to it and you being on your own with three children, one a baby. Being unmarried would really put the tin lid on it.

I am not being negative, just realistic I hope. If he can’t even agree to a small ceremony, with you, your DC and a few others before a baby it’s a poor show. A big party can be held in the future if you want it. You are right, a huge wedding at this stage, with a baby planned would be a waste of money .

Please think carefully, and selfishly, we are only here once, and it’s a short timer. I met my partner( no DC )in my late thirties, was clear I was not having any more children and he accepted it as he wanted to be with me. We have been together over twenty years ( only living together the last six or so ), and he continues to be a fabulous step father. More so than their dad, who of course loves them, but not the most involved or hands on of parents. My DP seems to get a huge amount back from my DC too. If he has regrets about no biological children he has not told me, and clearly has channelled a huge amount of any such desires into loving my/our DC. It is possible.

You said you were more open to having another child at the beginning of the relationship, I find it telling that so many years down the line and after knowing him for much longer you are not so open to the thought of another child op, surely if the relationship is good and right then you'd be more willing and happy about the idea the longer you are together.

You've already got two, you know the practicalities of babies and how they impact life, this man doesn't seem to have a clue or even willing to have a realistic talk about life after baby comes, you will be the default parent again, and he isn't even willing to marry you before hand, all the risks here land on you and you alone.

Thanks. Your do sounds lovely and that would be the hope if we didn’t have any more.

Youre right, I feel that I’m quite realistic and practical but any attempted conversations are all unrealistic/pie in the sky, it’ll all just work out and I’m being too negative.

Don't mess up your childrens lives by a 3rd child that will be your responsibility with a manchild that won't marry you and wantsva huge expensive wedding when you done even own a home.

Absolute madness.
What about college for the two children you have?
Do you want more for them than you have?

Thanks everyone. I appreciate all the comments, advice and opinions. Definitely lots to think about and process before having another talk. I feel that I’m not able to articulate myself well when these conversations / arguments arise and you’ve all helped so much to gather my thoughts better.

As one of the above posters mentioned, it is telling that I was more keen at the start of the relationship than now 4 years down the line. I feel liked I’ve aged a ton since then and I honestly don’t know how I would realistically have the time or energy for another child. I feel that my life is way busier than his in regards that my job is quite physically and mentally demanding and then I have my side business (that I would hope one day would become full time). There’s also pressure to keep doing both as I earn a lot less than he does with my main job and he expects that we both input roughly the same finances. I think the mental load typically falls to me too so my head is always spinning 😵‍💫 SO MUCH PRESSURE

Thanks again everyone

There’s also pressure to keep doing both as I earn a lot less than he does with my main job and he expects that we both input roughly the same finances

How would that work when (if) you had his baby? Would he expect you to cover half the costs during mat leave? Would he expect you to pay half the childcare?

There’s also pressure to keep doing both as I earn a lot less than he does with my main job and he expects that we both input roughly the same finances. I think the mental load typically falls to me too so my head is always spinning

That doesn't sound right. I always think it's fairer if the higher earner contributes in proportion to the difference in income.

Does he plan to cover any shortfall in your income from maternity leave? Is he planning to take equal time off or cover you while the potential baby is small?

It's not like equality in the relationship is going to suddenly appear if you have his baby, so really you'd be adding a whole lot of work and extra responsibility and less freedom, probably while very little in his life changes. 🙄

Of course he would.
He knows well that not being married means he can walk away easily and minimum cost.

Babies cost women dearly.
Tell him find a baby oven somewhere else.

He thinks you are a fool.
Only a foolish woman would have another baby for a man that won't marry her, expects her to pay her way completely and she has a 10 znd 13 year old.

Do you really want to be with a new baby and a child nearly 12, 15.....

You would bitterly regret it.

Tell this selfish tight man to sling his hook.

If you don't want another child then absolutely put your foot down.
I have two sons with my ex-husband (15 and 17) and a 4 yo daughter with my second husband (his first and last).
We both very much wanted her and planned her but yes - definitely not easy. Hubby is 49 and I'm 44, perimeno and working ft.
So I'd say only have another one if you are both absolutely certain.

It sounds like you are contributing way more to the relationship than he is. I wouldnt have a child with a man who keeps arguing and trying to grind me down.

ask him how the finances would work if you did get pregnant.

I would tell him that you won't be having another child as, amongst other things, you can't afford it.

He sounds like the sort of tight fucker who would make you fund your own maternity leave at the expense of your existing children.

Is your DH Alexander Hamilton?

He expects that you would both contribute the same, financially, despite the income disparity?

You need to run for the hills from this entitled misogynist.

He wants to hobble you in your career and set aside your ambition for your business while simultaneously expecting an equal financial contribution, and thinks you should give him a baby for his legacy.

This man doesn't actually like you, does he?

He also has a massive ego problem and a complete lack of self-awareness and ability to count further than One.

There's a very clear reason why he isn't married and is childless at this point of his life. He sees relationships as a one way street.

Please reconsider the entire relationship. You do not need this problem in your life.