Partner wants child for his legacy

[Almost40A]

Name changed for this.

How would you feel if your partner/dh told you he wanted a child to continue his legacy?

Thank you it’s good to hear varying opinions

I think he probably means he wants his own biological child but worded it badly. But then you know him, we don’t.

Hard to tell if he’s rubbish with words or a massive egoist 😕

That’s the thing. I’m divorced.

I think part of the issue is that I’ve done all this before (marriage and babies) and he hasn’t. He is insecure of my past at times and I think it makes him feel like he hasn’t ‘achieved’ what other people generally have by his age. I don’t see that at all and try to remind him that his ability to step in to an existing ‘family’ and become a brilliant step parent is much more of an achievement. To me anyway.

sorry, forgot to continue..

We have spoken about getting married and I was keen to do it before we had a child. But he wants a big wedding that would cost a lot of money that we could never realistically afford. I did that the last time and I hated it. Hated all the attention and wasted money. I would much prefer a very small wedding, even eloping just us and the kids and it would be more meaningful to me. I would rather not get married than have another big wedding to be honest.

Also, im late 30’s and only have one tube due to a ruptured ectopic pregnancy around 10 year ago. So in his words In his words, ‘I’m getting older and time is running out’ true but doesn’t make me feel great.

So he wants child first then wedding - which probably wouldn’t even happen

I bet he’d be disappointed if the baby wasn’t a boy

Yes, I agree.

I actually broke up with someone many years ago who came out with this sort of bullshit. he was a writer and he used to say that he felt like he had to experience parenthood so that he could write about it authentically. Um, ok. not with me though pal.

Excellent post and completely agree 👏 👏 👏

That would depend on what he calls his legacy.

So what exactly does he have to leave for this future child to carry on with?

Legacy implies something solid and of benefit that he's created or carried on. Philanthropy, business, art collection, his own art, an animal shelter, patents, something.

DNA? He could donate sperm. If it's just wanting to have a kid to leave his mark in the world and calling that a legacy, 😂 Using you as the incubator for his "legacy", 😜cringe.

Tell him sure, but the kid's having your surname 😀
If he complains, give him the elbow 😀

That’s exactly what I feel like, an incubator. Not exactly meaningful

Does that mean he won't marry you until you have his baby?

He is rubbish with words at times but I do also thing ego/low self esteem issues are also in play. I feel like he looks around and sees his siblings / friends are having babies and so he feels he should be doing the same. Funny enough he doesn’t have the same urgency about getting married. Even when discussing / arguing over what our wedding would be like, he says about wanting (expensive) things because that’s how everyone does it. Appearances are very important to him

It looks like it doesn’t it. And what happens if I can’t get pregnant, which could be likely given my circumstances. I wonder would he even stay..

A weird thing to say but tbh I think he may have worded it badly. I hope so anyway.

Plenty of people want a bio child. It’s why so much money is spent on IVF. Many people who adopt children have sought to conceive first. You obviously wouldn’t go on the MN Infertility board and snark at posters who are keen to have bio DC so arguably it’s not fair to criticise your DP for wanting the same. His rationale will be the same as theirs.

It’s fine for you to not want more children needless to say. But his feelings are understandable and natural.

I hope you can work this out somehow OP. Unless I’m giving him too much credit and he’s actually a nitwit, in which case show him the door!

Would he want to name it after himself😆

It does sound as if he would trade you in if you don't provide a suitable heir. I think a serious conversation is needed to find out if that is really what he means.

My ex husband said this and lots of other shite. Totally lost interest when baby was born. He was only interested if he could be Disney dad in front of people. Left by the time he was 2 years old and abandoned him entirely nearly 5 years ago. Honestly, don't do it.

Before you start criticising his reasons for wanting kids, what exactly were yours?

Yes thank you, I understand the want to have a child, it’s natural, but surely for reasons such as having a paternal urge/ wanting a child with someone you love etc, not because of a want to continue a legacy, unless he’s a king. And no of course I wouldn't go onto another board and criticise others who want a child and are struggling. My concern was his reason for wanting a child.

I guess it’s the fact that there’s no real chance of marriage and he’s not rushing that aspect of the relationship, but he’s in urgent need to procreate for what I consider to be shallow and egotistical reasons. I don’t feel important other than to provide him with said legacy.

Ha! On my 35th birthday my grandad rang me to say it was about time I had a child because our extraordinary genetic contribution shouldn't be lost to humanity.

We are a completely average family. If anything, underperforming. The world would not notice if we slipped off the side of it.

I do now have two children, neither of which looks set to eclipse Einstein.

Wanting to leave behind a piece of ourselves when we die is perfectly normal. I don’t find that concept offensive at all.

the concept of “wanting to have a child together” just because you have a new partner is off putting. People don’t need to have a baby just because they are in a new relationship.

if you are done having children and this man has none, but wants them, then he isn’t the right match for you. It’s not complicated. He should be looking for someone who wants the same things in life and who is at a similar stage on life’s path.

I'd presume he must be a prince, a baronet, a viscount, or at least someone extremely esteemed and successful in their field of expertise.
Admired by both their peers and strangers alike. Both talented, financially successful and philanthropic.
Not forgetting the fact they'd want to be stunningly physically attractive.

If none of the above I'd just laugh and say
'that's the most preposterous attempt at trying to get a shag I've ever heard in my life'. 🤣

You already have a 10 and 13 year old child. Along with this you have some health issues that may make getting pregnant hard. Your children are getting older. Being honest I don't think that you want to be back to the baby/small child stage again. In the next few years your kids will be doing GCSEs, A levels and possibly university.
Meanwhile your boyfriend wants a child as his legacy. He does not seem keen on the idea of marriage yet. He may want a big wedding in the future but this is expensive and you don't have the funds for this.

From what you said about him he wants a child and perhaps a big wedding in future because his friends and family members are doing this at the moment.
He likes the idea of a child but he probably has never minded a baby or a child and has no idea of what's involved.

I knew a man like him and he had a child. He found out just how hard things were. The child has autism and is not badly effected but it's very hard at times. Along with this he never married his partner either.

In your situation I would not have a child with him because I think he expect you to do most of the work. Your kids are getting older and it not fair on them to be trying to study and having a toddler making noise. You also have to consider the up coming costs of university ect for the kids you already have and how their lives and your life would be impacted if you had a disabled child.

Does he mean to carry on his family name?? If so legacy is a bit of a wanky way to put it 😂