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Original poster

Partner wants child for his legacy

185 replies

Almost40A · 08/02/2025 19:15

Name changed for this.

How would you feel if your partner/dh told you he wanted a child to continue his legacy?

OP posts:
Original poster
Almost40A · 08/02/2025 20:43

Michelle12A · 08/02/2025 20:23

Before you start criticising his reasons for wanting kids, what exactly were yours?

Because I wanted to have a family with the man I married. Because I wanted to experience motherhood and have the blessing of raising our children and watch them become their own people.

OP posts:
Hedgingmybetching · 08/02/2025 20:43

I would say, and only if you were 100% on board with having a child, do not have one unless you're married. I've seen so many people on here who have had kids first and then the bloke never bothers following through and the women are stuck.

He wants a big wedding later? Fine. He can have one but in the meantime you would want a quick registry office legal marriage before you try to get pregnant. He can have the reception of his dreams when you've saved up.

And all of this is only IF you actually want a third child yourself. Quite frankly it doesn't sound like you do. How long have you been together OP? Not an easy LTB scenario if he's a good step parent and partner otherwise. Xx

Original poster
Almost40A · 08/02/2025 20:48

Hedgingmybetching · 08/02/2025 20:43

I would say, and only if you were 100% on board with having a child, do not have one unless you're married. I've seen so many people on here who have had kids first and then the bloke never bothers following through and the women are stuck.

He wants a big wedding later? Fine. He can have one but in the meantime you would want a quick registry office legal marriage before you try to get pregnant. He can have the reception of his dreams when you've saved up.

And all of this is only IF you actually want a third child yourself. Quite frankly it doesn't sound like you do. How long have you been together OP? Not an easy LTB scenario if he's a good step parent and partner otherwise. Xx

Four years now. He is a great step dad and my children love him. They even ask me when or if we’ll ever get married

OP posts:
Original poster
Almost40A · 08/02/2025 20:50

Almost40A · 08/02/2025 20:48

Four years now. He is a great step dad and my children love him. They even ask me when or if we’ll ever get married

Show quote history

I was completely open to the idea but after this comment and several arguments and comments about time running out and me getting older, it’s made me tired to be honest. Life is busy already. I work, have a business on the side, 2 kids and elderly/ill parents. If I knew I had the support of a loving partner to go through pregnancy and the baby stage again I would 100% go for it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Almost40A · 08/02/2025 20:52

I think I feel so much pressure as I’m sure everyone does in life. Life is busy. But what should be an exciting prospect of trying to have a baby has turned into just more pressure in my life

OP posts:
Springflowersmakeforbetterhours · 08/02/2025 20:52

Maybe point out unmarried most (sensible) dm's give their dc their surname so it won't carry on his name unless you are married anyway..

YikesItsLate · 08/02/2025 20:54

My father in law once said he was very proud to see his son ( brother in law ) driving lorries and trucks with their surname on it.

I couldn’t help myself, but I had to ask why, after all, it wasn’t his lorry or his company ?

Deluded really.
Legacy ….

Honeyroar · 08/02/2025 20:55

Reddog1 · 08/02/2025 20:14

A weird thing to say but tbh I think he may have worded it badly. I hope so anyway.

Plenty of people want a bio child. It’s why so much money is spent on IVF. Many people who adopt children have sought to conceive first. You obviously wouldn’t go on the MN Infertility board and snark at posters who are keen to have bio DC so arguably it’s not fair to criticise your DP for wanting the same. His rationale will be the same as theirs.

It’s fine for you to not want more children needless to say. But his feelings are understandable and natural.

I hope you can work this out somehow OP. Unless I’m giving him too much credit and he’s actually a nitwit, in which case show him the door!

I have to say I agree with this.

I met my husband in my mid to late 30s. He already had a child. I really wanted a baby, like many of us do. It’s quite a natural thing when you meet someone you love. As it happens I couldn’t have children. So I’ve been a stepmum, and a happy one. But I still wonder what a child of my own would have felt like. I think it’s possibly amplified when you watch the relationship that your partner has with their own children.

MouldyCandy · 08/02/2025 20:57

Is his name Henry IIIV?

As PP, if you are unmarried, baby takes the mother's surname so...

Original poster
Almost40A · 08/02/2025 20:59

MouldyCandy · 08/02/2025 20:57

Is his name Henry IIIV?

As PP, if you are unmarried, baby takes the mother's surname so...

I still have my ex husbands surname 🫠 as when I divorced I still wanted the same name as my kids when they little

OP posts:
Happyhippos123 · 08/02/2025 21:02

Usually marriage protects mothers if a relationship breaks up, apart from financial benefits re inheritance etc, so I think you should work out if this is your case too.

If you'd be better off married, and you think he was just clumsy with his language, then tell him no baby without marriage, to see how serious he is about being in a family with you.

I'd be concerned that he's said he wants to get married, but wants a big extravagant wedding that you can't afford. Is he holding for an expensive wedding so he doesn't actually have to marry you, but can make the right noises about wanting too?

TheFrendo · 08/02/2025 21:11

Genetic legacy - fulfilling the biological imperative?

Quietnowplease · 08/02/2025 21:21

Almost40A · 08/02/2025 19:38

It gave me a massive ick to be honest and it’s put me off…

I already have 2 kids (not with him) 10 & 13 and the thought of going back to the start again with someone who wants a child for selfish reasons (imo) just isn’t appealing.

why not the ‘I want us to have a child together’ ?

What are non selfish reasons to have a child?

JustRollWithIt · 08/02/2025 21:46

Maybe he doesn't understand the word legacy, and isn't good with words. I think many people would like to have children to continue their genes, it is biology and a natural instinct after all. When we have kids how often do we say 'oh I wonder who baby will look like' 'Oh she is so like her dad' etc. He maybe feels like you have all that, and it is something he is missing and would like to experience too. Maybe he feels like when he dies that all trace of him will be gone forever, and that it would be nice to bring a life into the world and experience being a father to his own if possible. Just another perspective that's all, and I get it in a way.

Original poster
Almost40A · 08/02/2025 21:48

JustRollWithIt · 08/02/2025 21:46

Maybe he doesn't understand the word legacy, and isn't good with words. I think many people would like to have children to continue their genes, it is biology and a natural instinct after all. When we have kids how often do we say 'oh I wonder who baby will look like' 'Oh she is so like her dad' etc. He maybe feels like you have all that, and it is something he is missing and would like to experience too. Maybe he feels like when he dies that all trace of him will be gone forever, and that it would be nice to bring a life into the world and experience being a father to his own if possible. Just another perspective that's all, and I get it in a way.

Thank you

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 08/02/2025 21:49

He's an eejit who has notions.

Also considers himself a stud, but not too concerned about parenting.

I would dump any man who made a statement like that, just for complete lack of self-awareness, but there's so much more wrong with it that it's hard to know where to start unpicking it.

Reugny · 08/02/2025 21:52

Almost40A · 08/02/2025 20:48

Four years now. He is a great step dad and my children love him. They even ask me when or if we’ll ever get married

Show quote history

Go down the registry office with your kids and two adult witnesses.

Have a baby if you also want one. Then have a blessing with the kids as bridesmaids/page boy/best man/grooms men/whatever. Have the big party afterwards.

Your kids will remember the registry office if it all works out very fondly.

mathanxiety · 08/02/2025 21:54

Almost40A · 08/02/2025 19:48

That’s the thing. I’m divorced.

I think part of the issue is that I’ve done all this before (marriage and babies) and he hasn’t. He is insecure of my past at times and I think it makes him feel like he hasn’t ‘achieved’ what other people generally have by his age. I don’t see that at all and try to remind him that his ability to step in to an existing ‘family’ and become a brilliant step parent is much more of an achievement. To me anyway.

sorry, forgot to continue..

We have spoken about getting married and I was keen to do it before we had a child. But he wants a big wedding that would cost a lot of money that we could never realistically afford. I did that the last time and I hated it. Hated all the attention and wasted money. I would much prefer a very small wedding, even eloping just us and the kids and it would be more meaningful to me. I would rather not get married than have another big wedding to be honest.

Also, im late 30’s and only have one tube due to a ruptured ectopic pregnancy around 10 year ago. So in his words In his words, ‘I’m getting older and time is running out’ true but doesn’t make me feel great.

So he wants child first then wedding - which probably wouldn’t even happen

Edited
Show quote history

He's not the man for you. You're not the woman for him.

How did the two of you even get to this point? You have such massive differences in terms of life experience, perspective on important things, and above all, maturity. You're mature and he's an immature idiot.

What he wants is to plant his seed and retain you as a backup while he continues to play the field. He doesn't see you as anything other than a vessel.

I'd dump him if I were you.

2025willbemytime · 08/02/2025 21:54

Why are you with him when it sounds like you don't trust or like him very much?

BlondiePortz · 08/02/2025 21:54

I would be running for the hills, and it does not sound fair on the child anyway

GoldFishPocketWatch · 08/02/2025 21:55

Might be a weird way of putting it but don't we all sort of have children for our legacy? You know, continuing the family, bringing the next generation into the world etc...

They ARE our legacy in the sense that they hopefully will outlive us and will hopefully be people we've given a lot of our love and care to raising etc.

They're not JUST our legacy in that they are their own people, but bringing them into the world ultimately sort of is our legacy, isn't it?

mathanxiety · 08/02/2025 21:56

Almost40A · 08/02/2025 20:50

I was completely open to the idea but after this comment and several arguments and comments about time running out and me getting older, it’s made me tired to be honest. Life is busy already. I work, have a business on the side, 2 kids and elderly/ill parents. If I knew I had the support of a loving partner to go through pregnancy and the baby stage again I would 100% go for it.

Show quote history

I'd be concerned that he wants to completely sabotage you.

This would be a deal breaker for me. He needs to meet you where you are, not expect you to set aside every other aspect of your life and get behind his agenda. He's asking far too much of you.

Iamallowedtodisagreewithyou · 08/02/2025 22:01

mathanxiety · 08/02/2025 21:56

I'd be concerned that he wants to completely sabotage you.

This would be a deal breaker for me. He needs to meet you where you are, not expect you to set aside every other aspect of your life and get behind his agenda. He's asking far too much of you.

Show quote history

Thats exactly what was at the back of my mind too, the sabotage.

strawberrysea · 08/02/2025 22:02

That is fucking hilarious, what an arse.

TomatoSandwiches · 08/02/2025 22:04

If he was serious he'd be arranging the marriage/wedding by now but he's not so leave him to waste his own time op, he doesn't sound concerned about what you actually want just his desires and how you can facilitate them for him.
Don't do the work for him.

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