Partner wants child for his legacy

[Almost40A]

Name changed for this.

How would you feel if your partner/dh told you he wanted a child to continue his legacy?

For what reasons did you and your ex have your kids? What's the reason that ISN'T selfish?

Id be making it very clear any baby will have the same surname as me and my existing children.

what is he like in the home with regards to housework and cooking now?

Who owns the home you live in?

Yes I get it but can you not see a difference between wanting to have a baby to fulfil you legacy and wanting to have a baby because you love someone and want to do that together or have a paternal/maternal urge?

We rent atm. Myself and my kids have my ex husbands surname, I didn’t change mine after I got divorced.

He’s ok with the house stuff but can be quite messy and has a LOT of stuff.

I'd suggest a plaque on a park bench as an alternative. Cheaper and much less trouble. Also, incapable of independent thought, which might be useful in preserving his "legacy" if he continues to be a twat into any potential child's adulthood.

You could have fun coming up with inscriptions: "In memory of Dave. An entirely unremarkable man".

I think it's best to prioritise two children you already have. At that age they will not benefit from losing you to a baby sibling and a new husband. Think how much less time, money and independence you wiould have and how would your children feel on the fringe of that brand new family unit.
You and your partner are at completely different stages in life. He will want a family of his own and if you can't provide it he will most likely find a younger woman and move on at some point.

There are many other men who already have children and who are looking for a committed relationship with someone in similar stage of life.

Seems all a bit too Henry VIII for my liking. I bet he would be off if you didn’t fall pregnant. It’s a strong no from me.

I agree. I don't think meant it literally.

I love how everyone rushes to immediately declare he's a self serving, arrogant, egotistical wanker though!

Also somewhat alright for OP as OP has her legacy established 😏 (has kids of her own)

His legacy...and we're in the 1600s
What a prick

The comment wasn't great but I wouldn't judge someone on the basis of a single sentence.

Is he usually a good partner, hands on, etc ?
I appreciate the "time is running out" comments may not have been very considerate... But if he wants kids he's probably getting desperate by now. I know I wanted children very badly and if I was with a partner who was "maybe, later, I'm nlt sure" while every month makes it less likely to happen, I'd feel... Strung along, I guess ?

This doesn't mean you should have his child. You should think hard about what YOU (not him) want. But considering your age I feel like you do owe him a straight answer. Will you try to have children with him, yes or no ? You've been four years together so you should have a clear idea what sort of partner he is and whether you feel confident he'd be a good dad, regardless of the occasional dumb comment.

If he's generally very hands on and this comment is the only thing holding you back it's be worth asking him to expand on why he wants kids.

Oh, and considering your career will be the one affected by a pregnancy, I would only marry him if he is better off than you financially.

I would laugh in his face. Delusions of grandeur ...

What is his legacy? Has he invented some sort of life-saving device? Does he run a charity, or a service which helps people?

If it's just his name or his genes, well, really that's just hilarious.

This is a very good post. Absolutely spot on. He wants family life and a baby without marriage. You dont. He is making a promise of future marriage you already know he wont keep. You already know he is lying to get what he wants.

and the pp is spot on about your children. I have teens. Im there. They need you in a very different way to younger children and you have to be alert. So many parents think they are easier and are very hands off, but the dangers teens are in are out of our sight unless we are vigilant and involved. Terns need so much support navigating the current world they have found themselves in

They’re not my legacy and I’ve never thought of my children as that. They’re their own people and I’ve worked hard to raise them as such as a single parent and he has also as a step parent

I don't know anyone who had a baby to 'carry on the family line'. Most people want to have a child to love and care for.

Thank you I do appreciate all the comments so I can consider it from all angles.

He was very clear from the start that he wanted children and I told him I was definitely open to it. Which was true. There have been times where we’ve been actively trying and I’ve been happy to, but then life got in the way, illness, parents illness, work stresses, and I just increasingly feel so busy and tired. I’m worried how I would cope to be honest, I realistically don’t know if I have the capacity to have another child without having a breakdown. I’m essentially working two jobs and trying to do the best for my kids. He is great with them and they love him, but has a tendency to check out of family life / interacting with me and the kids when he is having low moments.

The legacy comment just made the whole thing a lot less appealing and it is difficult to discuss the logistics with him. For example when I tried to talk about childcare for when I would return to work if I was on maternity he says my parents and his family…my parents are aging and terminally ill and his family are too far away to travel back and forth every day. But there’s no discussing this with him, he thinks it’ll all just work out and we can rely on other people. It’s like he’s in a dream world and if I want to discuss the realities of a situation I’m just being a party pooper.

The two things aren't mutually exclusive.

I'd not be impressed by whoever came out with a statement like that. Male or female.

Egotistic at best.

Forget the terminology, you know what he means, he wants a genetic child. All those scoffing here, if it were a woman with 2 step children you wouldn't think it was unreasonable for her to want a baby "of her own" would you!

He doesn't have the right attitude does he? He wants a kid but won't discuss childcare options properly , he wants a big wedding but you say that you can't really afford it. I think you might regret having another child op.

Can I just add that I was like you and had 2 kids and a divorce under my belt when I met dh. We got married , had a child together and I do not regret a thing. Life is hard though. My youngest is autistic and I've had to stop working as he can't be in school all day and has many hospital appointments. He also doesn't sleep (5 broken hrs per night if I'm lucky) so I'm mid 40s , in perimenopause and struggling to juggle everything. Without a partner that is 100% involved my life would be impossible. I'm not saying that this will happen to you, but do you think your partner would cope if it did? Would you cope?

Now the practicalities are different and op is fine to say no but accept that your desires are different and split. He obviously didn't think through the possibility that you didn't want more kids but as I said before, it happens in reverse a lot, women demanding a baby despite multiple step children despite the man not wanting more

What non-selfish reasons are there for having a child?

I’d go the practical route. I would ask him if his “Legacy” can afford to raise a kid. Discuss how much relationships change after babies are born and that you have concerns that his relationship with you and your existing kids will change also. Let him know that there is no way you’d put yourself in such a financially vulnerable position unless you had legal protection. ie Marriage.

I’ve already answered this

I've said similar on here (maybe in relation to wanting grandkids?) and got hammered for it.

Lots of people, men & women want kids for 'legacy' reasons as opposed to other reasons.

All reasons to have kids are valid.

If yours don't align, that's fine, you're incompatible. But his views & feelings are not uncommon.