Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dating a divorcing man

434 replies

Anon645 · 08/02/2025 15:48

Hi,
Just looking for advice /tips. I have been dating a man going through a divorce for the past 4 months. He has expressed romantic feelings for me and we are exclusive. He has kids as do I. He won't call me his girlfriend but tells people we are dating/seeing each other. He has consistently expressed that he needs a slow pace but wants to work towards a proper relationship with me.

He has had two wobbles in the past fortnight about wondering if he is ready for a relationship. He then normally comes around that evening or the next day and says he does like me and have feelings for me , and that he does want to work towards a proper relationship with me but that it will take time. He said he wants to work towards a relationship during this year, but that it will take months most likely.

Last night he had one out of the two aforementioned wobbles that he wasn't sure if he was ready for a relationship and he didn't feel the best version of himself. He said a relationship is the last thing on his mind currently atm but that he does want one with me eventually. This morning he has said he likes me and has feelings for me and that he doesn't want to lose me.

Any advice? I'm trying to be patient and understanding as I know undergoing proceedings is difficult and daunting . Any tips ?

OP posts:
ReginaMolesworthy · 13/02/2025 06:21

Anon645 · 12/02/2025 23:59

He text it to me this evening.

He broke up with you by text ??

That says it all.

He's a spineless. sorry excuse for a man, OP, and you're better off out of this.

You won't see it now but he's done you a massive favour.

Uol2022 · 13/02/2025 06:38

I’m so sorry, sounds like you really care for him. Honestly, I think many posters have been too harsh to you both. He’s been emotionally battered and is protecting himself from that. And you’ve become collateral damage, sadly. At this point I’d let him know he’s special to you and you’d be glad to reconnect in future but recognise he needs some space first, and let him to sort himself out. I hope you’re okay x

TwistedWonder · 13/02/2025 07:24

So as soon as you tell him sex is off the table, he realises that he’s not ready to continue the relationship?

Sorry OP that you’re hurting but every sign was there that he’s nowhere near ready for anything other than a casual fling right now. It’s too soon and he needs to do the work on himself and get his head in the right place.

Original poster
Anon645 · 13/02/2025 07:43

Stil isn't registering as real yet which is worrying... I'm also worried I'm going to relapse back into depression as things like this are a huge trigger for triggering episodes.

OP posts:
Elcad · 13/02/2025 08:23

Oh I'm so sorry for you, you seem like such a nice person and I'm not sure he's the monster some PPs want to make of him.
Can you ask him to meet and discuss it together?

Christl78 · 13/02/2025 08:43

Elcad · 13/02/2025 08:23

Oh I'm so sorry for you, you seem like such a nice person and I'm not sure he's the monster some PPs want to make of him.
Can you ask him to meet and discuss it together?

Nooo. Please don’t give this bad advice. The guy may not be a monster but he is definitely NOT ready for a relationship. He needs to process things.he can’t have a proper relationship with ANY woman right now. Please, the OP
is already fragile and this advice can push her over the edge.

OP, please see a therapist. It is true that these breaks ups can trigger trauma in people with CPTSD and reignite depression. It is VERY important to get help now.

Wallywobbles · 13/02/2025 08:44

The first 3 years of my relationship with DH was dominated by his ongoing divorce. He wasn't in a position to date frankly. My position wasn't much better. But I'd been divorced for 6 years. My ex was super toxic. Things only significantly improved when he lost parental responsibility. So sometimes it will stay hard for a bloody long time.

Original poster
Anon645 · 13/02/2025 08:58

I can honestly say hand on my heart I thought he was the one for me. I understand people will make fun of this but I've had relationships ans dated others in the past and I have never aligned with anyone like I have with him. He admits it is the same for him too. He says we resonate with each other in a way he hasn't with anyone for a long time and I agree 1000%.

I honestly thought he was my person and I'm gutted.

OP posts:
Newname25 · 13/02/2025 08:59

Sorry to say but sounds like he was just interested in sex. You also weren't aligned emotionally as he was having wobbles all the time.

At 4 months in you should be having a great time not this drama. I think you had a lucky escape

Original poster
Anon645 · 13/02/2025 09:02

He has sent me a text saying these three things...

  1. His text today has said 'I want it to be you, I 1000% want it to be you but something is making me hold back'

2)Furthermore 'i don't want to stop seeing you. I don't want to let you go because I know how awesome you are and how rare it is find someone like you '

  1. Finally he has also said in the text 'everything marries up with us. In my head rationally we make PERFECT sense. We realy do. But something isn't right with me and it's making me resist and it doesn't make sense when I know how well suited we are '
OP posts:
Joystir59 · 13/02/2025 09:06

Please let him go now, he's behaving very badly with all of this 'i want you, but I don't want you' stuff. He's just trying to keep you dangling, he's being cowardly and morally bereft. Tell him you want a clean break and for him to leave you alone to heal. Be strong. It's very painful I know, but you need to come back to your own free life, fully under your own control.

Millyjanice · 13/02/2025 09:15

Anon645 · 08/02/2025 15:59

Want to add that he has been separated for around 15 months.. so it's not a new separation.

Nonetheless,OP, he’s telling you he’s not ready.

That means he still loves his wife/ can’t let go of her for you/ needs to spend time with his kids.

Who initiated the divorce ?

In order for him to realise your value you need to

  1. Tell him that as he’s not ready, he doesn’t meet your needs.
  2. Tell him he can contact you in 18 months if you’re still single.
  3. Stop contact with him so he gets to really miss you if he’s into you.
Otherwise you’ll be allowing him to come and go as he pleases ( have cake and eat it) and he won’t respect you for it.

Show him your worth !

You say he’s just right for you as you connect on a number of levels.
But really, if he can’t even call you his girlfriend , you are just an option ! Please see this!

TwistedWonder · 13/02/2025 09:27

@Christl78

Totally agree with you. When my 27 year marriage ended I jumped into a relationship after a few months with a guy who was also going though a divorce and it was a disaster. We were both far too intense and it ended in tears
I didn’t learn my lesson and started another relationship a few months later and again it was a disaster. I wouldn’t have touched the guy with a bargepole if I wasn’t feeling vulnerable and a bit desperate.

I’ve now been single a few years and very comfortable in my own skin now. I know if I do meet someone it’ll be for the right reasons and what I truly want.

I honestly think so many people underestimate how long it takes to be really ready to move on and this guy is clearly nowhere near ready.

Millyjanice · 13/02/2025 09:30

Read your update, OP.
You’ve had a lucky escape.
I mean, he was saying you and he were exclusive ( so like bf/gf) but he wouldn’t allow you to use the “ label” even though it was so important to you ! He wasn’t prepared to take your needs into account.

Wouldn’t surprise me if he was “ dating” others too.
Whats hard about calling the supposed new woman his life a gf ? ?
That was a red flag, OP

Thatsenoughadulting · 13/02/2025 09:33

Anon645 · 13/02/2025 07:43

Stil isn't registering as real yet which is worrying... I'm also worried I'm going to relapse back into depression as things like this are a huge trigger for triggering episodes.

Are you seeing a therapist? Also, is it possible you could have ADHD? The feelings your having over a 4 month casual relationship ending seem extreme as was your reluctance to accept what this man was trying to tell you before he called it off. It sounds like RSD (rejection sensitivity dysphoria) which is often related to ADHD. I suffer from it and in the past it made me stay in relationships longer than I should have and fight for relationships that weren't right for me. I also had over the top reactions to being rejected. I had to do a lot of work on myself before I was ready to meet someone.

I would definitely get in touch with a therapist if you aren't already seeing one. It really helped me. I'd also take a break from dating all together. Work on your self-esteem and work on being happy with yourself and in your own company. Do some charity work, travel on your own, take yourself on dates. Only when you are happy with yourself and start to value yourself are you ready for a relationship. At this point you won't accept anything less than what you want and will only choose men who will positively add to your life and who don't make you insecure.

Newname25 · 13/02/2025 09:35

Anon645 · 13/02/2025 09:02

He has sent me a text saying these three things...

  1. His text today has said 'I want it to be you, I 1000% want it to be you but something is making me hold back'

2)Furthermore 'i don't want to stop seeing you. I don't want to let you go because I know how awesome you are and how rare it is find someone like you '

  1. Finally he has also said in the text 'everything marries up with us. In my head rationally we make PERFECT sense. We realy do. But something isn't right with me and it's making me resist and it doesn't make sense when I know how well suited we are '

He's keeping you dangling while he sorts his head out. If there is something holding him back then there is something missing. Don't put up with his nonsense!

Dontbeme · 13/02/2025 09:59

Anon645 · 13/02/2025 09:02

He has sent me a text saying these three things...

  1. His text today has said 'I want it to be you, I 1000% want it to be you but something is making me hold back'

2)Furthermore 'i don't want to stop seeing you. I don't want to let you go because I know how awesome you are and how rare it is find someone like you '

  1. Finally he has also said in the text 'everything marries up with us. In my head rationally we make PERFECT sense. We realy do. But something isn't right with me and it's making me resist and it doesn't make sense when I know how well suited we are '

OP I am so sorry. He is toying with you with that message, I bet the "something" holding him back is that you have your own wants and needs in a relationship and he wants it to be all about him, what he wants, what he needs and with no consideration for the other party. He is setting up a dynamic where you will try to "win" him back, make no demands of him and bend to his every whim. It may not feel like it now, but you have dodged a bullet and it is clear as day why he is divorcing, I bet she got sick of his nonsense too.

TwistedWonder · 13/02/2025 10:05

OP - you’re devastated and we do all understand that but his message is very emotionally manipulative and hes getting you to do the pick me dance to prove your worth to him.

I would guarantee that the fact you’ve taken sex off the table has made him suddenly realise there’s something holding him back.

Please don’t fall for his manipulation OP - this man does not want a LTR with you

Lobelia123 · 13/02/2025 10:18

To be cynical....hes been building up to this. This didnt come out of nowhere. he's had two practice runs and then drawn back after gaging your reaction and double checking his feelings, and now hes put the bullet in the chamber and pulled the trigger. You cant see it int he moment, but youve dodged a bullet. He could have strung you along for the next two years or longer. He may be nice, he may be fun, he may be your ideal man, but he's not an option. hang on to your dignity, and move on. And for FFS dont fall for the late night texts, soul seraching conversations etc etc. Tell him you understand, he lost out but its his choice and you are moving on. Even better if you can fake a light hearted, thank you for being honest, Ive had a niggle about this relationship for a while too and trying to get to the bottom of it, I think the crux of it is that you are not the right person for me. All the best and have a nic elife, bye....

Original poster
Anon645 · 13/02/2025 10:31

I've said to him he needs to feel my absence and if he misses me we can meet and talk , but if we doesn't then we won't.

OP posts:
OhBow · 13/02/2025 10:36

I'm sorry you're upset OP.

But I'm cross with him, the way he's phrasing it - such mind games!

It's not very decent of him to be all "you're the one" but also "we can't be together" as some random ethereal aspect of his brain/soul/heart isn't letting him.

Sounds unhinged quite frankly.

If he cared at all about your fragile mental health he'd be much more gentle and clear.

Please reach out for help to a therapist, and gather all your friends around you.

penelopelondon · 13/02/2025 10:39

"So as soon as you tell him sex is off the table, he realises that he’s not ready to continue the relationship"

funny innit? OP I know that breaking up with him is hard. I can assure you breaking after 4 months only is way better than 2 years, 14 wobbles and a low self esteem that shrunk to half.

Joystir59 · 13/02/2025 10:40

Anon645 · 13/02/2025 10:31

I've said to him he needs to feel my absence and if he misses me we can meet and talk , but if we doesn't then we won't.

You really won't listen to all those in here trying to encourage to be in control of your own life, stop giving all the power to this man! Your life is precious and important, don't squander yourself for someone who plays hot and cold with your heart

northernlight20 · 13/02/2025 10:45

Yeah, he’ll miss you and reconnect when he fancies a shag. Honestly, let him go, he’s messing with your head. Surely, you deserve better

Endofyear · 13/02/2025 10:54

So sorry OP - he is messing with your emotions and being very unfair. I think you should just cut all contact now. Block him so he can't message you again. He needs to sort himself out. You need to get on with your life.

Swipe left for the next trending thread