Dating a divorcing man

[Anon645]

Hi,
Just looking for advice /tips. I have been dating a man going through a divorce for the past 4 months. He has expressed romantic feelings for me and we are exclusive. He has kids as do I. He won't call me his girlfriend but tells people we are dating/seeing each other. He has consistently expressed that he needs a slow pace but wants to work towards a proper relationship with me.

He has had two wobbles in the past fortnight about wondering if he is ready for a relationship. He then normally comes around that evening or the next day and says he does like me and have feelings for me , and that he does want to work towards a proper relationship with me but that it will take time. He said he wants to work towards a relationship during this year, but that it will take months most likely.

Last night he had one out of the two aforementioned wobbles that he wasn't sure if he was ready for a relationship and he didn't feel the best version of himself. He said a relationship is the last thing on his mind currently atm but that he does want one with me eventually. This morning he has said he likes me and has feelings for me and that he doesn't want to lose me.

Any advice? I'm trying to be patient and understanding as I know undergoing proceedings is difficult and daunting . Any tips ?

Sorry, I typed out a very blunt post but on reconsidering, you may not be ready to hear it. Just put yourself first and to hell with him and his doubts and inconsistency. He doesnt even have the balls to make a clean break, hes got to dance around feelings and agony and all the rest. Send him away to find himself and grow the fuck up.

He has text saying he is damaged from what's he's been through and there's no quick fix to that , so he needs to walk away. But he's also text saying he would hate not to see me or talk to me now

He is wanting to keep you as a fuck buddy but no more than that. This is why he is saying these things. He doesn't want tied into a committed relationship as yet. He wants the " girlfriend experience " though - he wants to feel it is more than just sex. He wants you to adore him. Don't make the mistake of thinking by doing this - having sex, bring loving etc - he will change his mind - he won't. Cut free now. I speak from experience. He is thinking of himself and his needs only. You are an option to him. I know you feel it is more than that and that's why it's hard.

OP please listen to these ladies.
At the time when I was going through this all I wanted was for him to commit to me and take me back. It reduced me to being pathetic. In the end he actually blocked me which I can tell you now was the best thing to happen. No contact is the only way and it was like a few others on here a very volatile toxic relationship that in hindsight would never have survived long term.
I do happen to know he is still going through his divorce and things only got more difficult for him and his mental health. So being ready and wanting to be with you are two different things.
Like many have said 4 months in you should be having fun and quite frankly feeling great about it.
It took me a while to realise all this and the help of my close friends but you will in time see it is for the best. x

Oh OP I do feel for you as you clearly adore this man but he’s doing exactly what every single experienced PP on here is saying he would.

He wants to keep you dangling and doing g the pick me dance. It’s all about his wants and he’s being very cruel and emotionally manipulative.

As much as it hurts right now, you will break your own heart if you allow him to keep toying with your emotions.

You really need to go no contact, cry your tears and move on

He's saying "Give me all your romantic energy, but I'll give you nothing back"

Find your anger.

I'll give you my example. My now husband had been separated approx 6months when we met (was living in his own place). He and his ex split because she had an affair. We have now been together nearly 30 years. Make of that what you will.

god op this reminds me of past relationship I had

PLEASE do not waste time or energy letting this man think you are just sitting around waiting for him,

dont let him see your tears. honestly. I know how much you will want to plead/ promise to be there - but don't do it

He needs to think he has lost you - so he knows what that feels like.

stop thinking about whether or not he will sleep with others - value yourself!

as they saying goes - what's for you won't pass you by

this man is dangling you on a string - it's cruel. He is just giving you enough breadcrumbs off his table so you can't bring yourself to cut the rope and walk away from him.

he will do everything he can to keep you dangling.

CUT CONTACT - tell him once that you love him, you want him as a committed partner or nothing. then walk away firmly and clearly.

no cuddles, no dates, no hanging out - DO NOT let him get the 'girlfriend package' !!! without commitment.

URGH - this just enrages me when men behave like this.

'can't bear not to talk to you or see you' well tough shit.

OP this is your currency! this is your value. The talking, the cuddling, the hanging out - that is exactly what you need him to value and miss.

do NOT be there for him in any way if he doesn't want a relationship.

this will hurt like hell but you will be setting a boundary -perhaps he needs some time on his own to recover from the marriage - let him have it - but you also have to have your own boundaries.

if you can afford it I would have some counselling yourself so you have a space to talk this through and not be tempted back to him.

Ofc he doesn’t want to not speak to you - he wants to string you along and boost his ego. Men will keep various ‘options’ around with the suggestion they ‘may’ be interested, but they’re not interested in anything outside of bolstering their egos. Please block him, don’t let him hold all the cards.

I know I'm going yo get negative judgement on here and I get that. I keep reading the above comments saying he needs to miss you so cut contact, and I can see there may be some logic in that. But I'm honestly terrified to do it. Particularly with him saying 'I'd hate not to see you or speak to you anymore' it makes me panic that he'd forget me or replace me..
Basically I know I will get judgement for this but ultimately I want to be with him long term, even if it's down the line. I'm terrified of making a mistake and hindering my chances of that happening. Cutting contact makes me fear that by virtue of cutting him off I'm also cutting our chance off of rekindling. Its awful situation.

He’s got you on strings OP. That’s not someone you should want to plan your future around.

I hear you OP, I really relate.

Have you ever read about limerance? It's from not having enough parental love, and creates the fear you're feeling, and the 'lack mentality' where you think that love can only come from him. (the way that, as a child, it could only come from your parents)

Please be gentle with yourself, and strive to focus on your best interests. The way you're feeling is draining your self-respect, which will need building back up.

The hardest path is often the right path. Cutting off contact -even for a specific period of time - is far far more likely to make him realise he's missing you than staying in contact when realistically I expect he'll fade out and / or meet someone else and you'll have to witness that.

If you cut contact and he goes off with someone else you know for sure he didn't feel anything like what he's been proclaiming.

I'm so sorry you're hurting x

If he forgets you or replaces you then weren't not the one for him were you? If you're truly the one then he'll never forget you.

You have to be strong because he's going to continue stringing you along. Send one final message. "I hope you heal from the damage of your past relationship and maybe in future our paths will cross. Right now you can't offer me what I want so I wish you well but I can't continue to see you."

Then block his number, delete his number and all trace of it from you phone and trust that if it's meant to be he'll turn up on your doorstep one day like the guy from Love Actually. You need to be strong for yourself because he's not going to be.

I've been there. If feel scary doing that but trust me, it's the only way or you'll forever be tempted.

You don't have to cut contact, personally I would demote him to "friendly aquaintance" and maybe text or speak in the phone THE most. No more sex, cuddles, getting together in person etc... In the meanwhile you invest in other friends and other relationships. If this is meant to be he will come back to you in the future once he can give you what you need, if not... life goes on.

OP, I’m sorry that this is happening to you. But your posts make me think you are way, way too over invested in something that is really barely even a relationship. You had been seeing each other for just four months. Four months!

And he couldn’t even be bothered to break up with you face to face - that tells you something about him.

You are tying yourself up in messy emotional knots and I think you need to be very honest with yourself and admit that he’s not ready for you, he is not the right person for you right now. He can’t / won’t be the person you want him to be. He is too bound up in his own circumstances and hasn’t really been thinking of you at all.

He has finally done the right thing in breaking up with you. Hard as it is, you need to accept that, gather up your confidence and self-esteem and put some distance between you. Block those texts, stop framing it in terms of thinking oh, but we’ll still meet up and talk. Stop telling yourself he’s ‘the one’, what if I ‘miss my chance’ and all this silly fairytale nonsense.

Let him go, take some time to breathe and remind yourself that you are worth more than this.

A million times this. I also have the t-shirt. I dated a man 10 years back, who had been split from his wife for 10 months. He had dated others before me in the interim but he could be hot and cold.

I kept asking if he was sure he wanted to be in a relationship as I didn't want to be messed around and he would say "Yes, of course, you can't choose when you fall in love I just wish the timing was better" etc.

He had nowhere to live while he was buying his ex wife out of their house, so six months in to our relationship, he came to live with me to help him save money "for our future." So he could afford to buy the ex out. The plan that I would move out of my rented flat and live with him.

Six months later we'd been together a year and he bought her out. He got the keys, I went round and helped him clean the place up. We picked new wallpaper etc. Two weeks later he told me he was "so busy" sorting the house he just wouldn't have time to see me so could we just limit it to 2 times a week as he had the kids round, house etc.
Soon after we had a silly argument over something trivial and he told me he couldn't cope with the stress of everything and ended it. Blocked me on Facebook etc, really cold.

I was in pieces. He really did a number on me.
In the end, he met someone else and remarried. So really, I saw myself as the mug that put him back on his feet and dusted off his ego to bridge the gap, while he got ready to find someone else.
I'm happy now, moved on but if I found myself single again I would never ever date a man going through a divorce.

This. When you do meet the right man OP you'll have zero doubt about his feelings and you'll look back at all this and laugh at yourself for being so silly and not taking the hint. Honestly, I'm embarrassed by some of the men I cried over and chased. I'm embarrassed that I was so desperate to be loved that I clung onto men who clearly weren't that interested. With my DH I've never had any doubt about how he felt and he's never made me feel insecure about our relationship. The right man doesn't have to be convinced.

I wish I could sit down with you and talk this all through with you, or that someone irl could- do you have any close friends, trusted family member to chat to? You really are not getting it and not looking after yourself and it makes me sad to think of you wasting your life waiting and hoping.

Again, this translates that he wants a FWB.

I think taking sex off the table was a strong move. It's forced his hand and he's had to let you go as he isn't ready for a serious relationship yet (and who can blame him!).

If it's meant to be he'll be back when he is. Please try not to put your life on hold though. Move on and let him see what he's missing

Look at it this way

What you are suggesting here is that in order for him to realise you are lovable - and the right person for him - you need to hang around near him constantly and make sure you are constantly available to him.

Even when he doesn't want to commit - just chucking you those crumbs,

You love him so yes - this is super super painful.

But if you let him give you crumbs and get back the attention and time he wants from you. You will only get crumbs.

HAve faith in yourself - believe that if it is right between you he will come back to you on your terms. Set that boundary - and walk away.

he will know exactly where you are - and he will know what he has to do to win you back.

This is insecurity on your part and low confidence - have you ever talked with a therapist about this?

Wait - you took sex off the table and then in short order he ended things?
🥴
Please have faith in yourself - walk away from this. He'll come and find you if he wants more than fwb.

I think he's done what so many women wish men would do - tell the truth.

He knows he's damaged from what he's recently experienced, knows he doesn't know how he feels or what he wants. And he's told you clearly.

I wonder if the depression you mentioned might be a factor? Something he doesn't feel he has the strength for? Feeling responsible for someone else's mental health (you mentioned this might trigger you into sliding down) is a big responsibility, especially with everything else he needs to manage.

I honestly think he's done the right thing. Told you how he feels as far as he has been able to assess it.

This might change, you might both be in a better place in a year or so.

Maybe do some work on yourself meantime, find support, and see if you're both more ready after time to heal.

No the depression wouldn't have had anything to do with it. I haven't had a depressive episode for over a year and never been depressed whilst with him. So no 1000% isn't the depression, he's never been exposed to it.