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Original poster

Dating a divorcing man

434 replies

Anon645 · 08/02/2025 15:48

Hi,
Just looking for advice /tips. I have been dating a man going through a divorce for the past 4 months. He has expressed romantic feelings for me and we are exclusive. He has kids as do I. He won't call me his girlfriend but tells people we are dating/seeing each other. He has consistently expressed that he needs a slow pace but wants to work towards a proper relationship with me.

He has had two wobbles in the past fortnight about wondering if he is ready for a relationship. He then normally comes around that evening or the next day and says he does like me and have feelings for me , and that he does want to work towards a proper relationship with me but that it will take time. He said he wants to work towards a relationship during this year, but that it will take months most likely.

Last night he had one out of the two aforementioned wobbles that he wasn't sure if he was ready for a relationship and he didn't feel the best version of himself. He said a relationship is the last thing on his mind currently atm but that he does want one with me eventually. This morning he has said he likes me and has feelings for me and that he doesn't want to lose me.

Any advice? I'm trying to be patient and understanding as I know undergoing proceedings is difficult and daunting . Any tips ?

OP posts:
superplumb · 11/02/2025 12:56

Anon645 · 08/02/2025 15:57

Problem is I don't want to end it. We are very close after 4 months and we have so much in common and genuinely align so well emotionally and physically. He's the first person I've connected so well with in literal years!! So I don't want to end things, but looking more for tips on if people have been going through a divorce and been in a similar situation so I could get their perspective. Or people like myself who have dated divorcing men.. Did it work out?

He has been separated for over a year if relevant..

Far too soon to meet his kids

TwistedWonder · 11/02/2025 13:15

Christl78 · 11/02/2025 12:53

OP, I think I am going to stop replying. You clearly want to continue being a victim and being undervalued. Good luck

Show quote history

Absolutely. We’re all wasting our time and breath because she’s not listening and doesn’t want to live in reality.

Good luck OP - let’s hope we don’t see a thread next year when he’s strung you along and then dumped you for someone he actually wants a relationship with

Fourfurrymonsters · 11/02/2025 13:17

OP, something I have learned from my long years on this planet is that if a man wants you, he doesn’t fuck around. You will know he wants you. This vague flapping of arms isn’t it.
For context, I met my husband when he’d been separated and apart from his wife for almost 2 years but the divorce wasn’t quite final. It came through 6 weeks after we met and the only reason I let myself get involved with him was because I knew it was almost done. But besides that - there was never, and I mean NEVER, a single moment’s doubt in his mind - and by extension, mine - that he wanted to be with me. We’d fallen for each other almost instantaneously and that didn’t waver. He was never wishy-washy about what he wanted. We’ve been married almost 30 years now.

stealthninjamum · 11/02/2025 13:35

I’m sorry op it’s too harmful to your self esteem to live like this. You’ll be walking on eggshells, on your best behaviour, trying to prove yourself worthy of the girlfriend term. And then when (if) you get that term if you become more normal you’ll be worried he’ll dump you.

Thatsenoughadulting · 11/02/2025 13:51

Fourfurrymonsters · 11/02/2025 13:17

OP, something I have learned from my long years on this planet is that if a man wants you, he doesn’t fuck around. You will know he wants you. This vague flapping of arms isn’t it.
For context, I met my husband when he’d been separated and apart from his wife for almost 2 years but the divorce wasn’t quite final. It came through 6 weeks after we met and the only reason I let myself get involved with him was because I knew it was almost done. But besides that - there was never, and I mean NEVER, a single moment’s doubt in his mind - and by extension, mine - that he wanted to be with me. We’d fallen for each other almost instantaneously and that didn’t waver. He was never wishy-washy about what he wanted. We’ve been married almost 30 years now.

This. You know undoubtedly if a man wants you.

I met my DH just 4 months after he split from his ex of 12 years. He wasn't married so no divorce. After a few weeks he was telling anyone who would listen that he was going to marry me. We were talking about moving in and marriage after a couple of months. Bought our house after 8 months, engaged after 15 and married on our 2 year anniversary on the date we'd set after 2 months together.

Any man who has ever told me he's not ready for a relationship but still wants to see me has never been ready for a relationship at any point and was just leading me on.

OhBow · 11/02/2025 13:59

This has got the vibe of waiting to hear the outcome of a job interview, "But they seemed to like me, so fingers crossed."

I agree with everyone that men make it extremely clear when they're into you and don't hold back. Also that a good man would feel very uncomfortable knowing he's keeping a woman in limbo like this.

Original poster
Anon645 · 12/02/2025 23:15

We have broken up :( :(

OP posts:
WomenInConstruction · 12/02/2025 23:16

Awwww, sorry to hear that op.
Life isn't fair sometimes is it. 💐

FloofyKat · 12/02/2025 23:34

Was this from your choice, OP?

Original poster
Anon645 · 12/02/2025 23:45

No. He was crying and saying his heart was breaking as he wanted to be with me but something wasn't right and he couldn't commit. He said his heart was breaking as he so badly wanted to be together but sometimes was resisting.

OP posts:
FloofyKat · 12/02/2025 23:47

That must hurt. But it seems to me this is best all round. I know it probably doesn’t feel like it right now, so be kind to yourself.

WomenInConstruction · 12/02/2025 23:48

Anon645 · 12/02/2025 23:45

No. He was crying and saying his heart was breaking as he wanted to be with me but something wasn't right and he couldn't commit. He said his heart was breaking as he so badly wanted to be together but sometimes was resisting.

Too much too soon maybe.

That's understandable he's got a lot going on.

Space and time.

Original poster
Anon645 · 12/02/2025 23:55

I'm devastated! But think I'm in a bit of shock too... i keep thinking he's going to text me or turn up to the house etc. I'm not seeming to register that I won't see him or hear from him again. Must be a bit of shock/denial.

OP posts:
Original poster
Anon645 · 12/02/2025 23:56

He said there's nobody else but the thought of him being technically free to move onto someone else makes me feel physically sick.

OP posts:
Original poster
Anon645 · 12/02/2025 23:59

He text it to me this evening.

OP posts:
emailthis · 13/02/2025 00:01

Anon645 · 12/02/2025 23:56

He said there's nobody else but the thought of him being technically free to move onto someone else makes me feel physically sick.

He doesn't want anyone else to shag you, because that's the bit he cared about (sorry)

H112 · 13/02/2025 00:02

You'll never be his girlfriend. You're his rebound.

You're old enough to know better.

WomenInConstruction · 13/02/2025 00:04

H112 · 13/02/2025 00:02

You'll never be his girlfriend. You're his rebound.

You're old enough to know better.

Blimey.
Op has just had the rug pulled did you need to put the boot in too?

researchers3 · 13/02/2025 00:08

Dror · 08/02/2025 15:57

He has openly told you he is not ready to date.

He needs to be single, recover from his failed marriage, focus on nothing but his kids. Only a shit father would be seeking out a girlfriend over parenting his kids through this distressing life event.
Believe him. Don't hang around waiting for some bloke to want you.

Only date brilliant, single men who improve your life.

Agree in theory. - In reality where are all these single, 'brilliant' men?!

Not that this means op should settle for second best.

Bexstar82 · 13/02/2025 00:13

Hello OP and everyone else on this chat. I couldn't just read and bypass. I've been in your exact situation. October last year to be precise. Right now it is absolutely heartbreaking and I realise that your feelings were real.
I know it hurts like hell but please believe me that in time you are going to get through this and learn from it.

He isn't ready and I'm not going to sit here and say I don't think about the relationship I had. I do almost everyday. But I also know that I want to be loved equally with no half measures because that is what I deserve. So do you. X

2JFDIYOLO · 13/02/2025 00:20

He thinks you're working towards maybe considering the possibility of perhaps some time in the indeterminate future perhaps beginning a relationship.

You think you're in one.

Believe him.

RUN.

Meanwhile33 · 13/02/2025 00:23

Anon645 · 09/02/2025 19:20

Honestly I agree with you, to me we are a couple as we are exclusive. I totally agree with you. I'm just repeating what he has said... but I hold the same opinion as you.

He has said he feels comfortable defining us as dating and said he may be in de ial but he isn't comfortable with the terms 'bf/gf'and 'relationship '

Show quote history

edited Original post, just got to the end of the thread. Sorry OP.

Onthemaintrunkline · 13/02/2025 00:37

But OP you are not aligning emotionally - he’s got the wobbles you don’t!

suburberphobe · 13/02/2025 00:44

This morning he has said he likes me and has feelings for me and that he doesn't want to lose me.

Sorry OP, you should walk away if he is not utterly divorced and at least 5 years down the line.

It's all about sex for him.

Sorry to be harsh.

Christl78 · 13/02/2025 05:52

Anon645 · 12/02/2025 23:59

He text it to me this evening.

OP, I know it is very hard but this was the best outcome. Give it a year. Right now this man needs to process things, needs to have casual flings (with women who want the same), needs to find his identity after his marriage. I ve been in his place. You just can’t enter another relationship without doing the soul searching to understand what went wrong. You cannot be a good partner without engaging in therapy.
When I split after 20 years of marriage, I met a guy after about 4 months. I thought it would be casual but developed feelings. I knew I wasn’t ready though. Eventually we split, and this was the right decision. I just couldn’t be a good partner. Have been in therapy for 6 months now and have realised how much work I needed to do.
I still think about him though and have feelings. Maybe after some time we can be together again. If he still there.