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Original poster

Dating a divorcing man

434 replies

Anon645 · 08/02/2025 15:48

Hi,
Just looking for advice /tips. I have been dating a man going through a divorce for the past 4 months. He has expressed romantic feelings for me and we are exclusive. He has kids as do I. He won't call me his girlfriend but tells people we are dating/seeing each other. He has consistently expressed that he needs a slow pace but wants to work towards a proper relationship with me.

He has had two wobbles in the past fortnight about wondering if he is ready for a relationship. He then normally comes around that evening or the next day and says he does like me and have feelings for me , and that he does want to work towards a proper relationship with me but that it will take time. He said he wants to work towards a relationship during this year, but that it will take months most likely.

Last night he had one out of the two aforementioned wobbles that he wasn't sure if he was ready for a relationship and he didn't feel the best version of himself. He said a relationship is the last thing on his mind currently atm but that he does want one with me eventually. This morning he has said he likes me and has feelings for me and that he doesn't want to lose me.

Any advice? I'm trying to be patient and understanding as I know undergoing proceedings is difficult and daunting . Any tips ?

OP posts:
Original poster
Anon645 · 11/02/2025 11:18

Thatsenoughadulting · 11/02/2025 11:04

It's not really like most couples though is it? Most couples spend a third of their time in bed together. Most happy couples have regular sex.

You're kidding yourself on here and you're going to end up hurt. 100%.

Show quote history

Can't win can I?! If I'd said we had a very good sex life posters would have jumped on that snd said it'd all about sex. Yes we have a good frequent sex life, but it isn't just about that. We go on dates, day trips, cuddle and chat etc too. We do it all.

OP posts:
Onleemoi · 11/02/2025 11:19

The divorce is a red herring. If it wasn’t that there’d be another reason he didn’t want to commit. He’s telling you he just sees you as a stop gap but you’re not listening.

Christl78 · 11/02/2025 11:23

Anon645 · 11/02/2025 11:18

Can't win can I?! If I'd said we had a very good sex life posters would have jumped on that snd said it'd all about sex. Yes we have a good frequent sex life, but it isn't just about that. We go on dates, day trips, cuddle and chat etc too. We do it all.

Show quote history

Then OP I think you have made upnyour mind. I am not sure what you are asking here. If he is going to change his mind and start a relationship? No, it’s not happening. If you are ok with that just continue with him until he tells you he wants to stop.
I think this man has a lot to deal emotionally and process a divorce and the end of his marriage. Any woman in his life right now is going to be just casual and a rebound. He is only going to look at finding a LTR after 1-2 years. I know. I’ve been there.

Thatsenoughadulting · 11/02/2025 11:43

Anon645 · 11/02/2025 11:18

Can't win can I?! If I'd said we had a very good sex life posters would have jumped on that snd said it'd all about sex. Yes we have a good frequent sex life, but it isn't just about that. We go on dates, day trips, cuddle and chat etc too. We do it all.

Show quote history

No you can't win because you're trying to force a relationship with someone who doesn't want one. You've had every single person on this thread tell you that and you just don't want to listen.

Original poster
Anon645 · 11/02/2025 11:45

Christl78 · 11/02/2025 11:23

Then OP I think you have made upnyour mind. I am not sure what you are asking here. If he is going to change his mind and start a relationship? No, it’s not happening. If you are ok with that just continue with him until he tells you he wants to stop.
I think this man has a lot to deal emotionally and process a divorce and the end of his marriage. Any woman in his life right now is going to be just casual and a rebound. He is only going to look at finding a LTR after 1-2 years. I know. I’ve been there.

Show quote history

Yes totally get what you are saying about him wanting a ltr in 1-2 years.. but then if we could stay as we are he may call me his girlfriend in a year or two ??

As opposed to us splitting and then it deffo won't happen ?

OP posts:
Original poster
Anon645 · 11/02/2025 11:48

Thatsenoughadulting · 11/02/2025 11:43

No you can't win because you're trying to force a relationship with someone who doesn't want one. You've had every single person on this thread tell you that and you just don't want to listen.

Show quote history

No I mean it felt like you were belitting me telling me happy couples spend about a third of time in bed and having sex when I was just trying to emphasise we are well rounded with everything (in bed and out ). Felt i couldnt win as if I'd said to you he was gutted about the no sex going forwards then you woud have take thas as it is all about sex for us when it genuinely isnt. Apologies if I've taken it the wrong way but thats how I took it.

OP posts:
Christl78 · 11/02/2025 11:52

Anon645 · 11/02/2025 11:45

Yes totally get what you are saying about him wanting a ltr in 1-2 years.. but then if we could stay as we are he may call me his girlfriend in a year or two ??

As opposed to us splitting and then it deffo won't happen ?

Show quote history

No. The ONLY way this could happen is If you put boundaries, split and meet again after one year. If you stay now he will lose any respect for you. Once he processes everything and rebuilds himself, with your help, he will want to go out and find someone new.

Joystir59 · 11/02/2025 11:57

OP, just crack on with your unhappy situation, putting your own feelings and needs on a back burner, punishing yourself.

Thatsenoughadulting · 11/02/2025 12:01

Anon645 · 11/02/2025 11:45

Yes totally get what you are saying about him wanting a ltr in 1-2 years.. but then if we could stay as we are he may call me his girlfriend in a year or two ??

As opposed to us splitting and then it deffo won't happen ?

Show quote history

So you're going to stay friends for potentially 2 years, not having sex with each other or anyone else in the hope he might eventually call you his girlfriend? Or would you open things up so you could both see other people?

Have you spoken to any of your friends and family about this situation? What do they think?

I think you need to have a good hard think about why you're willing to accept breadcrumbs from a man you've known 4 months? Why is your self-worth so low? Were you previously in an abusive relationship and this man seems like a god in comparison? Being so attached this early on to someone who's not that interested isn't normal.

As much as he's not ready for a relationship, I don't think you are either. No one with good self-esteem who values themselves would tolerate this. I think you need time on your own to work on yourself. Charity work really helped boost my self esteem and worth. Therapy is always good as well to get to the bottom of why your self esteem is so low and then you can work on building it.

Thatsenoughadulting · 11/02/2025 12:03

Christl78 · 11/02/2025 11:52

No. The ONLY way this could happen is If you put boundaries, split and meet again after one year. If you stay now he will lose any respect for you. Once he processes everything and rebuilds himself, with your help, he will want to go out and find someone new.

Show quote history

This. She is leaving herself in a very vulnerable position because he'll have learn that she'll accept anything from him. If he's truly a nice man he'll lose respect and if he's not he'll take advantage.

But I think a truly nice man would let go of someone if they weren't able to give them what they wanted. I truly nice man wouldn't lead a woman on like this.

PaperAeroplane · 11/02/2025 12:06

I met my now husband of ten years when he was separated but not divorced yet. The fact that he is now my husband shows it can work.
This man doesn't sound ready for a relationship though, I'd move on and find someone who wants the same as you in a relationship.

Munnygirl · 11/02/2025 12:08

Anon645 · 11/02/2025 11:18

Can't win can I?! If I'd said we had a very good sex life posters would have jumped on that snd said it'd all about sex. Yes we have a good frequent sex life, but it isn't just about that. We go on dates, day trips, cuddle and chat etc too. We do it all.

Show quote history

Apart from be boyfriend and girlfriend

FloofyKat · 11/02/2025 12:13

Hmmm. You’ve only been seeing this man for four months which is no time at all. And you are in love it’s him already? Really?

But that aside, he seems too hung up on things and isn’t comfortable with calling you his girlfriend. Truly, I’d tell him that you aren’t comfortable with his unwillingness to call you his girlfriend. Remind him that this doesn’t mean he has signed his life away forever - it just means he’s found someone he likes and wants explore possibilities with. Maybe it will go somewhere, maybe it won’t. He won’t know unless he tries.

In your shoes I would leave him be and see if he gets his act together. But don’t hang around mooning after him, get on with your own life.

Christl78 · 11/02/2025 12:23

Thatsenoughadulting · 11/02/2025 12:03

This. She is leaving herself in a very vulnerable position because he'll have learn that she'll accept anything from him. If he's truly a nice man he'll lose respect and if he's not he'll take advantage.

But I think a truly nice man would let go of someone if they weren't able to give them what they wanted. I truly nice man wouldn't lead a woman on like this.

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Well yes, but this man has been very clear with her in terms of his boundaries and what he wants from her. He hasn’t lied. It’s the OP that has put her boundaries down. And none is going to appreciate this in the end. He is going to look for a woman who knows her worth when he is ready.

Original poster
Anon645 · 11/02/2025 12:28

Christl78 · 11/02/2025 12:23

Well yes, but this man has been very clear with her in terms of his boundaries and what he wants from her. He hasn’t lied. It’s the OP that has put her boundaries down. And none is going to appreciate this in the end. He is going to look for a woman who knows her worth when he is ready.

Show quote history

Well he is saying he may still want a relationship with me. He isn't ruling that out he said. So actually no he isn't being clear onhis boundaries 😭

OP posts:
Original poster
Anon645 · 11/02/2025 12:28

He has said he's not ruling out a relationship but he said he isn't 100% either. So he isn't being consistent.

OP posts:
Christl78 · 11/02/2025 12:31

Anon645 · 11/02/2025 12:28

He has said he's not ruling out a relationship but he said he isn't 100% either. So he isn't being consistent.

He wants to have his cake and eat it. Have sex while he recovers and a casual relationship. And keep you on the back burner until he finds someone else. I think you need to split and start therapy. You value yourself too low.

Onleemoi · 11/02/2025 12:33

Cos he’s stringing you along. When he meets someone he wants to commit to he gets to walk away from you with no guilt as he hasn’t promised you anything. He’s doing enough to keep you dangling.

Original poster
Anon645 · 11/02/2025 12:36

He said to me 'but I am already committed to you. I'm exclusive with you and my romantic focus is 100% on you and only you ' ...

He doesn't get the insistence on a label as he says even without the label he's still romantically commited to me so what's the big deal ? It's hard to counter that argument then

OP posts:
Thatsenoughadulting · 11/02/2025 12:41

FloofyKat · 11/02/2025 12:13

Hmmm. You’ve only been seeing this man for four months which is no time at all. And you are in love it’s him already? Really?

But that aside, he seems too hung up on things and isn’t comfortable with calling you his girlfriend. Truly, I’d tell him that you aren’t comfortable with his unwillingness to call you his girlfriend. Remind him that this doesn’t mean he has signed his life away forever - it just means he’s found someone he likes and wants explore possibilities with. Maybe it will go somewhere, maybe it won’t. He won’t know unless he tries.

In your shoes I would leave him be and see if he gets his act together. But don’t hang around mooning after him, get on with your own life.

She shouldn't have to convince him to be her boyfriend. Someone who's truly interested doesn't need convincing.

Christl78 · 11/02/2025 12:42

Anon645 · 11/02/2025 12:36

He said to me 'but I am already committed to you. I'm exclusive with you and my romantic focus is 100% on you and only you ' ...

He doesn't get the insistence on a label as he says even without the label he's still romantically commited to me so what's the big deal ? It's hard to counter that argument then

Edited

Well, he is exclusive with you now for sex and fun but when he finds someone else and she asks him If he has a girlfriend he can say “no”. And then dump/ghost you, after all you are not a couple. You just have an exclusive situationship/are exusive FwB. Why should he endanger getting an STD and have multiple after all?

Thatsenoughadulting · 11/02/2025 12:45

Christl78 · 11/02/2025 12:42

Well, he is exclusive with you now for sex and fun but when he finds someone else and she asks him If he has a girlfriend he can say “no”. And then dump/ghost you, after all you are not a couple. You just have an exclusive situationship/are exusive FwB. Why should he endanger getting an STD and have multiple after all?

Show quote history

Except they're not even that because she's told him no sex until he makes her his girlfriend. They're friends who kiss and cuddle sometimes.

Original poster
Anon645 · 11/02/2025 12:48

Thatsenoughadulting · 11/02/2025 12:45

Except they're not even that because she's told him no sex until he makes her his girlfriend. They're friends who kiss and cuddle sometimes.

Show quote history

No let me clarify that- we have been having sex , lots of sex!! But now I don't want to have sex anymore until he calls me his gf as ai need the security. But we've had plenty of sex.

OP posts:
Christl78 · 11/02/2025 12:53

Anon645 · 11/02/2025 12:48

No let me clarify that- we have been having sex , lots of sex!! But now I don't want to have sex anymore until he calls me his gf as ai need the security. But we've had plenty of sex.

Show quote history

OP, I think I am going to stop replying. You clearly want to continue being a victim and being undervalued. Good luck

Thatsenoughadulting · 11/02/2025 12:56

Anon645 · 11/02/2025 12:48

No let me clarify that- we have been having sex , lots of sex!! But now I don't want to have sex anymore until he calls me his gf as ai need the security. But we've had plenty of sex.

Show quote history

Yep I get that. And of course he's going to be absolutely fine with going from lots of sex to no sex for 1-2 years until he's ready to call you his girlfriend.

Christ, after 2 years I'd be expecting and engagement ring not girlfriend status.