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Original poster

Dating a divorcing man

434 replies

Anon645 · 08/02/2025 15:48

Hi,
Just looking for advice /tips. I have been dating a man going through a divorce for the past 4 months. He has expressed romantic feelings for me and we are exclusive. He has kids as do I. He won't call me his girlfriend but tells people we are dating/seeing each other. He has consistently expressed that he needs a slow pace but wants to work towards a proper relationship with me.

He has had two wobbles in the past fortnight about wondering if he is ready for a relationship. He then normally comes around that evening or the next day and says he does like me and have feelings for me , and that he does want to work towards a proper relationship with me but that it will take time. He said he wants to work towards a relationship during this year, but that it will take months most likely.

Last night he had one out of the two aforementioned wobbles that he wasn't sure if he was ready for a relationship and he didn't feel the best version of himself. He said a relationship is the last thing on his mind currently atm but that he does want one with me eventually. This morning he has said he likes me and has feelings for me and that he doesn't want to lose me.

Any advice? I'm trying to be patient and understanding as I know undergoing proceedings is difficult and daunting . Any tips ?

OP posts:
DearOwl · 13/02/2025 15:46

You've got kids yes? If so, then honestly, you need to pull yourself together

They don't deserve a mum who's moping in bed talking themselves into being depressed because a 16 week relationship has ended

northernlight20 · 13/02/2025 15:48

You are now neglecting yourself over someone you have known for 4MONTHS!! Meanwhile, where are your children? Hope you realise they need you? And you can’t ever put your feelings over a man of 4months over your children’s needs. Wake up.

Dweetfidilove · 13/02/2025 16:12

Anon645 · 13/02/2025 14:56

I'm laying in bed in my pyjamas, havent washed, haven't eaten a morsel, sobbing.
I just know I'm going to go into an episode

Please don't do this.
If you have decent healthy friends and/or family, rally them for support.
Think of your children and muster the energy to carry on.
He is not worth this.
MN usually advises sweet drinks, etc to keep you going. Get yourself to the shower and plan an activity that takes you out with the children or someone else.

fraughtcouture · 13/02/2025 16:25

DearOwl · 13/02/2025 15:46

You've got kids yes? If so, then honestly, you need to pull yourself together

They don't deserve a mum who's moping in bed talking themselves into being depressed because a 16 week relationship has ended

This. He wasn't your knight in shining armour. You knew him four months!

You need to block and delete. Whilst you are this hung up on him and leaving the door open he can pick you up and drop you whenever he likes. If he called you now for a hook up would you honestly be able to resist?

2JFDIYOLO · 13/02/2025 17:01

Pull yourself together, op - you've talked yourself into an 'episode'.

It's quite possible he was aware there was an element of him being your perceived emotional support, and that he wasn't ready for it.

Would anyone be?

He isn't ready for any sort of relationship - ready for sex, yes, and the light hearted fun he thought he was getting when he needed it.

Not ready to plunge into another Relationship while he isn't even extricated from the current one.

Get yourself some professional help to deal with the problems that lie just beneath the surface. It's not fair to expect him to be your solution.

TwistedWonder · 13/02/2025 17:15

northernlight20 · 13/02/2025 15:48

You are now neglecting yourself over someone you have known for 4MONTHS!! Meanwhile, where are your children? Hope you realise they need you? And you can’t ever put your feelings over a man of 4months over your children’s needs. Wake up.

Edited

100% - you are choosing to prioritise a man you’ve known a few weeks and who sees you as nothing more than a distraction shag over your own mental health and your children.

How old are your kids? They need their mum to be there, not sobbing over a random bloke.

Speak to someone asap OP. This level of obsession over a bloke you’ve known for 16 weeks is not normal behaviour

PandaTime · 13/02/2025 17:47

You're not listening, which is understandable because you are scared to be on your own, but he is telling you that he needs to work through the trauma from his last relationship before he can be ready for a new one. He wants to want a relationship in the future, but he can't know when that will be possible because he isn't there yet. It has nothing to do with you. It's his issue. He has made the right decision to not keep you hanging around waiting for him.

Honestly, you could do with working on yourself somewhat too. It isn't healthy to be this obsessed with someone after only 4 months. You don't actually know him, in that he is going through stuff right now which will have an impact on him as a person. All you know is right now, during this post-breakup-ongoing-divorce-stress period, you were fulfilling a need in each other. You have no idea what he will be like after all this has settled. You have no idea if he will still be the right person for you, or if you will even be the right person for him.

This is why people are advised not to jump in to new relationships while they are still getting over the last one.

outerspacepotato · 13/02/2025 18:02

He said what you wanted to hear. But it was a different story when you started putting on the pressure for the least bit of commitment, a label.

If you're having mental health issues due to the breakup of a short term relationship, call your mental health provider and ask for an emergency appointment. Maybe the dad can take your kids while you get it together.

Christl78 · 13/02/2025 18:07

PandaTime · 13/02/2025 17:47

You're not listening, which is understandable because you are scared to be on your own, but he is telling you that he needs to work through the trauma from his last relationship before he can be ready for a new one. He wants to want a relationship in the future, but he can't know when that will be possible because he isn't there yet. It has nothing to do with you. It's his issue. He has made the right decision to not keep you hanging around waiting for him.

Honestly, you could do with working on yourself somewhat too. It isn't healthy to be this obsessed with someone after only 4 months. You don't actually know him, in that he is going through stuff right now which will have an impact on him as a person. All you know is right now, during this post-breakup-ongoing-divorce-stress period, you were fulfilling a need in each other. You have no idea what he will be like after all this has settled. You have no idea if he will still be the right person for you, or if you will even be the right person for him.

This is why people are advised not to jump in to new relationships while they are still getting over the last one.

I second this. I split about 18 months ago. I engaged in intense therapy and I can honestly say that the person I was has nothing to do with the person I am today.
And most important OP, the type of person I was looking for back then is completely different to the type of person I am looking for now.

Pinkfemme1 · 13/02/2025 18:56

i was in a very similar position to you recently and really wanted to share my experience with you. i have a thread about my guy. i really feel for you. my guy was very much like you, saying he is damaged, coming along to dates i booked and having amazing connection and sex, and also he was calling my my girlfriend, but suddenly something was a bit off and he wasn't sure... wanted the future with me, but wasn't sure what it would look like etc. etc. I couldn't even put my finger on what was going on as we spent loads of time togetger, texted all the time, had this amazing connection! but somehow i started to feel a bit rejected and couldn't understand why. Then he kind of said he would still stay around if i had him, but he just wasn't in the right headspace etc etc. and I was like what would this be like, and then he broke up with me. I was devastated, the biggest heartbreak ever. He said he would be in touch when ready and made all these promises, this was almost a year ago. I really try hard not to stalk him on social media and focus on my life. I dated loads and even had another short term relationship, but still miss him and that connection, i really do.
It's so effing hard. I think though connection is important, but aligned goals and intentions are even more important!!! I never contacted him, as i would find it humiliating. I still think about him every day, not in pain anymore, sometimes i smile, sometimes slight annoyance that he was a coward, that he messed me around... intentionally or not! sometimes i get a parcel or see someone who looks similarly and annoyingly get my hopes up, is it him, is it from him... feel sad for myself. I bumped into his kids, saw a lot of things that reminded me of him, but couldn't even let him know. Dead silence from him, he could have reached out, but didn't. And while we were together it's like I was the best catch, best sex, best company etc etc He made a lot of promises and I was stoppying him to stop getting carried away, but then when it came to it, it is him who decided to end it. Like your guy, mine tried to redefine the relationship initially.
And people on here have these stories how divorces take time and how they were still married all these years ago... Well it's much easier now, you can do a no fault divorce online in no time. Division of assets is harder, but if someone wants to get divorce quickly, they will. I did. and not dated anyone, because it's a shitty thing to do, to date when you know you can't give much of yourself, it's quite selfish actually.
I think there is a massive scarcity mindset out there, not many decent men and we worry that this connection is so rare, but honestly it's better to be single than to be treated like this. you deserve better!

Bumblebeestiltskin · 13/02/2025 19:10

After 4 months, you know whether you're a good match with someone or not - he's obviously realised you're not.

I wonder if you've been as intense with him as you've been here, and that's why he's trying to let you down gently? I'm not saying you're in the wrong for being intense, you're obviously hurting a lot.

ExercicenformedeZ · 13/02/2025 19:14

Bumblebeestiltskin · 13/02/2025 19:10

After 4 months, you know whether you're a good match with someone or not - he's obviously realised you're not.

I wonder if you've been as intense with him as you've been here, and that's why he's trying to let you down gently? I'm not saying you're in the wrong for being intense, you're obviously hurting a lot.

While the OP has been a bit over intense, he has also been quite a dick. Breaking up with her over text was not the move, she deserved a face to face explanation. He sounds self serving. No doubt he calls himself 'avoidant' or some much pyschobabbling mumbo jumbo. OP is well rid, though no doubt she doesn't feel that way now. At the moment, I am concerned for OP and also for her kids, as it isn't fair on them to have her wallow like this (much as I can empathise with how she feels)

Treesinthewind · 13/02/2025 19:18

I've been there. The wobbles get worse and more frequent. I would never date a "separated but not divorced" man ever again because it broke my heart so much last time.

penelopelondon · 13/02/2025 19:24

Bumblebeestiltskin · 13/02/2025 19:10

After 4 months, you know whether you're a good match with someone or not - he's obviously realised you're not.

I wonder if you've been as intense with him as you've been here, and that's why he's trying to let you down gently? I'm not saying you're in the wrong for being intense, you're obviously hurting a lot.

There's a something a bit strange about being so commited and invested just after 4 months when you don't know the person. Op is shocked he's acting like a jerk after she said "no sex" and telling her "he won't be getting in touch ever again in the future" which shows she didn't know this guy. A good guy would understand her need for a relationship, wish her well and not be a c-nt. He thought he could get away with dangling the relationship carrot for a while.

Bexstar82 · 13/02/2025 19:27

Treesinthewind · 13/02/2025 19:18

I've been there. The wobbles get worse and more frequent. I would never date a "separated but not divorced" man ever again because it broke my heart so much last time.

Billion times this.
OP I hope you have managed to cope with your children this evening and are ok?

Original poster
Anon645 · 13/02/2025 20:10

Bumblebeestiltskin · 13/02/2025 19:10

After 4 months, you know whether you're a good match with someone or not - he's obviously realised you're not.

I wonder if you've been as intense with him as you've been here, and that's why he's trying to let you down gently? I'm not saying you're in the wrong for being intense, you're obviously hurting a lot.

I can honestly hand on my heart say I havent been intense with him! I'm having my severe current upset and hurt in private and not to his knowledge. So I have not been intense with him at all. I'm not intense with people .

It doesn't make sense though about recognising we aren't a good match. He's been telling me for the whole four months consistently how good a match we are and how well aligned we are.
Even last night and today he told me how when he rationalises everything in his mind we make perfect sense... He also told me last night that in his head we make complete sense, and he was literally crying over not being ready.

So I don't think he's realised we aren't a good match ? He keeps saying it's purely because he's not ready and wants to be selfish, he said we are extremely compatible and it's nothing to do with that.

OP posts:
category12 · 13/02/2025 20:16

Anon645 · 13/02/2025 20:10

I can honestly hand on my heart say I havent been intense with him! I'm having my severe current upset and hurt in private and not to his knowledge. So I have not been intense with him at all. I'm not intense with people .

It doesn't make sense though about recognising we aren't a good match. He's been telling me for the whole four months consistently how good a match we are and how well aligned we are.
Even last night and today he told me how when he rationalises everything in his mind we make perfect sense... He also told me last night that in his head we make complete sense, and he was literally crying over not being ready.

So I don't think he's realised we aren't a good match ? He keeps saying it's purely because he's not ready and wants to be selfish, he said we are extremely compatible and it's nothing to do with that.

Edited
Show quote history

Or he just mirrored you and said what you want to hear, until he wanted to cool things off to suit himself.

I don't think it's a coincidence that you wanted to put some boundaries in, and suddenly you're dumped.

Unhappyheart · 13/02/2025 20:19

People can only meet you where they are.
He has told you - it’s not you you are a great match great person and all that.
but that doesn’t change the fact that he isn’t in the right place and needs to do the work.
you can only accept that!!
get on with your life and if he is able to ge will do the work he needs to do to be with you and it ll work out. Have faith in thet but you can’t and shouldn’t fix him
fix yourself, wait and see. Xx

Original poster
Anon645 · 13/02/2025 20:23

I sent a final message as some have recommended telling him I love and care for him and that I don't want to part but I respect that he has a lot going on and may need space and time. I told him I hope we can reconnect when everything is settled and told him to please message me if that time comes.

Broke my bloody heart sending it. :( :(

He responded back 'you are incredible, don't forget that '

OP posts:
Original poster
Anon645 · 13/02/2025 20:28

And another text below 'OK I will'

OP posts:
Pinkfemme1 · 13/02/2025 20:29

well done, you have a brave and pure heart and he isn't a match for that, in that way he isn't a great match you could say. the right guy will match you emotionally. your posts really resonated with me, it's really really hard when someone is like this. even if it wasn't intentional it's a mixture of breadcrumbing with some future faking and then backtracking.

Original poster
Anon645 · 13/02/2025 20:33

Pinkfemme1 · 13/02/2025 20:29

well done, you have a brave and pure heart and he isn't a match for that, in that way he isn't a great match you could say. the right guy will match you emotionally. your posts really resonated with me, it's really really hard when someone is like this. even if it wasn't intentional it's a mixture of breadcrumbing with some future faking and then backtracking.

Thankyou, sent it with tears streaming down my face . Broke my heart sending it xx

OP posts:
PandaTime · 13/02/2025 20:33

Now move on with your life. Don't wait for him. There is a very big chance he won't contact you again because you are from a period in his life that he is trying to move on from. Coming back to you won't be a fresh start.

Original poster
Anon645 · 13/02/2025 20:34

What does everyone think about his two responses to my final text ?

It's not in my hands anymore. All I can do is hope that we reconnect once he feels better, and trust him when he said 'okay" to messaging me when he feels better :(
Leaves me feeling afraid, heartbroken and very vulnerable in case he doesn't fulfil his promise to message me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Anon645 · 13/02/2025 20:36

PandaTime · 13/02/2025 20:33

Now move on with your life. Don't wait for him. There is a very big chance he won't contact you again because you are from a period in his life that he is trying to move on from. Coming back to you won't be a fresh start.

This devastates me, I can't think like this at the moment! :( Him saying 'okay J will 'to messaging me when he feels better is the only glimme of hope I have. Him commiting to do that is the only thing that will keep me going through this....
I sincerely hope he will fulfill that promise to message me

OP posts: