Dating a divorcing man

[Anon645]

Hi,
Just looking for advice /tips. I have been dating a man going through a divorce for the past 4 months. He has expressed romantic feelings for me and we are exclusive. He has kids as do I. He won't call me his girlfriend but tells people we are dating/seeing each other. He has consistently expressed that he needs a slow pace but wants to work towards a proper relationship with me.

He has had two wobbles in the past fortnight about wondering if he is ready for a relationship. He then normally comes around that evening or the next day and says he does like me and have feelings for me , and that he does want to work towards a proper relationship with me but that it will take time. He said he wants to work towards a relationship during this year, but that it will take months most likely.

Last night he had one out of the two aforementioned wobbles that he wasn't sure if he was ready for a relationship and he didn't feel the best version of himself. He said a relationship is the last thing on his mind currently atm but that he does want one with me eventually. This morning he has said he likes me and has feelings for me and that he doesn't want to lose me.

Any advice? I'm trying to be patient and understanding as I know undergoing proceedings is difficult and daunting . Any tips ?

Guys I'm just scared. J know I sound pathetic and will be getting judgement but ultimately I am scared. I've never aligned with someone in terms of character so well. We like all the same things. We both love the same music ans the same books. We have the same political values. Physically it's very well aligned. We have the same hobbies. We both have the same niche likes.
I'm not exaggerating on this front- I have truly NEVER aligned with somebody across as many categories as I have with him. Never! I've had similarities with others of course but never to the same extent as with him.

Our friends joke we are TWINS because honestly that is what it is like. We are so similar we are identical almost !

So with that in mind I'm scared he's my person and I'm going to lose him if I don't keep in contact. I just am so worried he'll forget me or move on if we aren't texting or meeting up.

Will you forget him if you stop texting?

@Thatsenoughadulting 👌

He may well be your perfect match. But what you need to find out is if you are his. I'm sorry it seems that wont be a straight yes or no fit a while. I think a bit of space from him will help you in the short term (you must be feeling incredibly anxious atm- such high stakes )

So after everything you've just added in your last posts ... why not give it a rest. For now.

Get on with your life, ensure you're doing all the things you love and so does he, keep a light touch contact with him, but step away, no pressure, get on with being your independent self, write about it all online, share photos of what you're doing.

Stay polite, friendly, no pressure.

Divorce is trauma.

See if he evolves into a a happier more certain person than he is now, with time.

Maybe you'll carry on your separate ways for a while, then feel drawn together again, when you're both ready.

He really is a nasty piece of work☹️.

You laid out your terms, he said nope - labels don't work for me.

You take sex off the table, he calls time. Even though he'd professed his unwavering commitment to you, regardless of sex.

Then, knowing you're open to being his cuddle buddy, regular comforter etc; he's started the hand wringing.
I really want you, only you, it should be you blah blah fucking blah...

All this, waiting for you to fold and beg him to come back, knowing all that will happen is that regular sex and comforts will resume, until he has no further use for you.

Block him!

How could he possibly forget you if you're like his "twin"? It's not a concern. Giving him time to sort himself out will simply be benificial, if that's the case.

However I am getting love-bombing alarm bells. I could be way off though.

First, I'm so sorry that you are going through all of this. Even though I ultimately agree with their message, I think that some posters have been unnecessarily harsh (and also it is ridiculous to call a separated man 'married'. This clearly isn't one of those cases when a man claims to be split from his wife but the wife doesn't know about it. I think that some Mumsnetters live in the 1950s)

That being said, I do think that if he is really 'your person' then he won't just forget about you. You are correct to draw the boundary of no sex. If he is a serious candidate, then he will not want to lose you and will act accordingly. Don't let him string you along with 'we're not boyfriend and girlfriend'. I actually think that he's quite correct that four months is far too soon to be introducing you to his kids, so taking some breathing space is the right thing to do. That said, if he then rushes into a serious relationship with another woman, then you will know that he wasn't your person. Which will hurt, but at least you won't have invested any more time and emotional energy on him.

I think that this might be a bit harsh. He could genuinely feel that he doesn't want to rush things while he is sorting his head out. That said, I agree that he should be happy to give the OP space. I can also see that stopping having sex when the relationship has been sexual is a bit like trying to put the genie back in the bottle: the time to not have sex is before you start having sex. I think that this couple should have some space from each other.

I asked him did he think he will contact me when everything has settled down with the divorce and house sale, legal matters etc..
He said that he doesn't know how we will feel in the future but he doesn't think he will contact me to try again. Said he doesn't think it will go anywhere.

This is after he told me ON TUESDAY NIGHT that he wants to work toward a relationship with me.
So how cam he go from openly saying he wants to work to a relationship with me on Tuesday night and him PLANNING DATE VENUES FOR THIS WEEKEND to saying now today he doesn't think he'll contact me after legal matters are finalised? How could someone change their feelings like that so quickly?

It sounds like limerence because you've been with this guy 4 MONTHS which is very very little time to know a person, you're still in the "infatuation"stage and have build a mental illustration in your head of who this guy is (something we all do by the way). You're smitten with this "perfect" stranger who doesn't want to be your boyfriend and who just broke up once you told him you no longer want to have sex.

The "perfect man" is the one who loves you and wants to keep you.

At least he's given you the answer Op. I'm sorry sorry it's not the one you wanted.

He was happy with FWB. You want a relationship. He will look for a relationship again, but he's been honest it won't be with you.

Please allow yourself to feel all the grief for him and what could have been. Sending hugs

@Anon645 So how cam he go from openly saying he wants to work to a relationship with me on Tuesday night and him PLANNING DATE VENUES FOR THIS WEEKEND to saying now today he doesn't think he'll contact me after legal matters are finalised? How could someone change their feelings like that so quickly?

Ahhh... now you're really getting to know him more and he's sounding quite... manipulative 😀

OP - please find someone to talk to in RL because this is so frustrating. You are not listening to him or anyone on here

It’s not a coincidence that the minute you took sex off the table, he’s suddenly realised it’s not going anywhere. He hadn’t changed how he feels, he’s just no longer interested without sex.

This man does not want a relationship with you. Please stop obsessing over someone you’ve known for a matter of weeks as some sort of soulmate. Hes not. He’s a regular bloke who has come out of a long term marriage, isn’t in any sort of headspace to date and was happy with you as a FWB.

You are now driving yourself mad imagining this as more than it was

Please talk to someone either a close friend or a professional as this isn’t healthy

OP
NO CONTACT
The more you drag this out the more hurt you are going to be.

Oh, no. I was giving him the benefit of the doubt that he was just in a tough spot and didn't want to rush headlong into things while there was so much still up in the air. This update changes that. He's a user and you're well rid, although I'm sure it doesn't feel like that just now. As PP have said, he is no longer interested now that he isn't getting sex on tap. This also makes me wonder why he and his wife split. If he was this selfish with her, maybe she had had enough of him.

I'm so sorry, I can see how much you're hurting.

Based on everything he's said, in my opinion he's either
a- all over the shop due to the end of his marriage (and needs to be left alone)
b- just after sex (and willing to talk hearts and flowers to get it)
c- really immature like an overgrown teenage poet-type, in love with the rollercoaster of his self-made romantic drama (I had one like this - run a mile!)

I am going to miss him so much. Even if you are all right about him not being a good person and a user. I can't see the woods for the trees.

I can already feel the depressive episode starting.

No ! No! No!

That makes you sound desperate. And talk about what exactly? You've got your answer.

Don't foget he finished it by text without even the courtesy of a 'phone call.

Get a grip of your self-respect OP and stop pandering to this muddle-headed eejit.

I'm laying in bed in my pyjamas, havent washed, haven't eaten a morsel, sobbing.
I just know I'm going to go into an episode

Then contact your GP or the Community Psychiatric Team if you are registered with them.

No-one on this board can help you with your MH issues. Sorry.

I'm going to hand out some tough love. Pull yourself together. You have your kids to think about, it isn't just about you. Take a shower, put some clothes on. Turn on the TV, read a book. Anything. You cannot just wallow and give in. He truly isn't worth it and you NEED to put your kids first.

He's right, he just isn't ready for a relationship. I dated a divorcing man with children 20 years ago and were happily married so it can work, but not with this one.

Keep in touch if you like but nothing romantic. Who knows a few years down the line when he sorts his shit out?

Up you get, love, eat some toast.
Have a shower.
You need to go through the motions.

You will feel a bit better if you do.

Op please don't, because you're looking at the last half empty and you should be looking at the glass half full girl! You just got rid of a guy after 4 months who was not good for you and sounded quite manipulative. You have really really dodged a bullet here so please consider yourself a lucky girl for saving yourself from one long toxic relationship.Congrats on that.

Now instead of getting depressed, put your nicest jeans go out with your friends and celebrate it! 🎉🎈

(the other option is stay with him and open a thread every couple o months complaining about his lack of commitment then being dumped in the end after many many wobbles so you pick)