Sorry it's a long one.
I’m not really sure what I want from this post, but I’ve just had a huge argument with my parents and ended up leaving their house with my 4-year-old daughter. I’m 44 and still in a bit of shock.
I’ve always thought of my family as close, but we’ve also always been loud and argumentative. My dad and I have very similar personalities, and we tend to clash. He often criticizes me, saying I’m rude, awful, or ungrateful. I’m not perfect, but I do call him out when I think he’s being rude or short-tempered, which he hates. He can also be quite rude to my mum, and while she will bicker with him, if I point out the same behavior, she tells me I’m being difficult or disrespectful.
My parents live abroad for half the year and spend the other half two hours away from me. I’m a single parent, and over the past couple of years, they’ve helped me a lot - financially with childcare and practically with moving house. I’ve always been grateful, sending thank-you cards, thoughtful gifts, and inviting them for meals and visits. I try my best to show appreciation, but our family has never been great at talking about emotions. Their love language is practical help, but emotional support has always been lacking. I think that’s given me insecurities, but overall, I know I’m very lucky to have them. And they have always been there for me.
Life has been incredibly stressful for me the past two weeks, with work pressures and waiting for biopsy results for a lump (which, thankfully, turned out to be benign). My mum knew about it but forgot to ask about the results because she was focused on her sick dog. She was happy for me when I told her, but it stung a little that she hadn’t remembered.
This weekend, I was supposed to stay with them, so I drove two hours in rush hour traffic and heavy rain with my daughter. When we arrived, they were excited to see her, but she was a little quiet and withdrawn. My dad immediately huffed, then started following her around. At one point, I heard her say, “Leave me alone,” so I gently called out, “Dad, just give her a little space.”
That’s when everything kicked off. My dad muttered under his breath about me, “She hasn’t even been here five minutes and she’s starting again.” I replied, “Dad, there’s no need to react like that, I’m just asking you to give her a bit of space.” He then stormed past me and snapped, “Stupid girl!”
It was so awkward. My mum immediately turned on me, saying, “Why did you have to be like that with your father?”
I told her I didn’t appreciate the way he spoke to me, but instead of acknowledging it, she dismissed it completely. She even insisted that he never called me a “stupid girl” and that I was making it up. The conversation escalated as I stuck up for myself and they started telling me I was ungrateful and that I must hate them.
At that point, I decided to leave. The atmosphere felt toxic and I didn’t want to stay in that environment with my daughter. As I was packing, my dad suddenly softened and asked, “Are you sure you want to leave?” I calmly said yes because I didn’t want any more arguments.
Then my mum went straight back on the defensive, saying, “Well, I’m not going to argue.” They’re in their mid-70s, and now I feel awful.
Aside from my relationship with my parents, my friendships and work relationships are healthy. I don’t have these kinds of conflicts with other people. But with my parents, I often feel like they think they can say whatever they like to me, yet if I call them out on it or express that I’m hurt, I’m labeled as difficult or ungrateful. They also play the “After everything we do for you, you must really hate us” card, which just leaves me feeling guilty and awful as I do rely on them for some financial help.
Now, my dad has essentially said he wants to cut me off. I feel like a terrible person like I must be an awful daughter if my own parents want to walk away from me. But at the same time, I don’t think it’s fair to be spoken to like that, and I just don’t know what to do next. I’d hate to lose them over this, but I also feel I need some boundaries. I feel because they give me financial support I’m still seen as their small child. I guess that IS what happens when you find yourself my age relying on help from parents.
Has anyone else experienced anything like this? How do you handle parents who help you practically but make you feel emotionally drained? Please believe me I am so grateful for their help and don't want to come across as a spoilt brat, but I just don’t like the way they speak to me or I’m not allowed to say things regarding my daughter. Hope that all makes sense, it’s a long ramble.