Feeling Shocked After a Big Argument With My Parents

[Sticksandstones79]

Sorry it's a long one.

I’m not really sure what I want from this post, but I’ve just had a huge argument with my parents and ended up leaving their house with my 4-year-old daughter. I’m 44 and still in a bit of shock.

I’ve always thought of my family as close, but we’ve also always been loud and argumentative. My dad and I have very similar personalities, and we tend to clash. He often criticizes me, saying I’m rude, awful, or ungrateful. I’m not perfect, but I do call him out when I think he’s being rude or short-tempered, which he hates. He can also be quite rude to my mum, and while she will bicker with him, if I point out the same behavior, she tells me I’m being difficult or disrespectful.

My parents live abroad for half the year and spend the other half two hours away from me. I’m a single parent, and over the past couple of years, they’ve helped me a lot - financially with childcare and practically with moving house. I’ve always been grateful, sending thank-you cards, thoughtful gifts, and inviting them for meals and visits. I try my best to show appreciation, but our family has never been great at talking about emotions. Their love language is practical help, but emotional support has always been lacking. I think that’s given me insecurities, but overall, I know I’m very lucky to have them. And they have always been there for me.

Life has been incredibly stressful for me the past two weeks, with work pressures and waiting for biopsy results for a lump (which, thankfully, turned out to be benign). My mum knew about it but forgot to ask about the results because she was focused on her sick dog. She was happy for me when I told her, but it stung a little that she hadn’t remembered.

This weekend, I was supposed to stay with them, so I drove two hours in rush hour traffic and heavy rain with my daughter. When we arrived, they were excited to see her, but she was a little quiet and withdrawn. My dad immediately huffed, then started following her around. At one point, I heard her say, “Leave me alone,” so I gently called out, “Dad, just give her a little space.”

That’s when everything kicked off. My dad muttered under his breath about me, “She hasn’t even been here five minutes and she’s starting again.” I replied, “Dad, there’s no need to react like that, I’m just asking you to give her a bit of space.” He then stormed past me and snapped, “Stupid girl!”

It was so awkward. My mum immediately turned on me, saying, “Why did you have to be like that with your father?”

I told her I didn’t appreciate the way he spoke to me, but instead of acknowledging it, she dismissed it completely. She even insisted that he never called me a “stupid girl” and that I was making it up. The conversation escalated as I stuck up for myself and they started telling me I was ungrateful and that I must hate them.

At that point, I decided to leave. The atmosphere felt toxic and I didn’t want to stay in that environment with my daughter. As I was packing, my dad suddenly softened and asked, “Are you sure you want to leave?” I calmly said yes because I didn’t want any more arguments.

Then my mum went straight back on the defensive, saying, “Well, I’m not going to argue.” They’re in their mid-70s, and now I feel awful.

Aside from my relationship with my parents, my friendships and work relationships are healthy. I don’t have these kinds of conflicts with other people. But with my parents, I often feel like they think they can say whatever they like to me, yet if I call them out on it or express that I’m hurt, I’m labeled as difficult or ungrateful. They also play the “After everything we do for you, you must really hate us” card, which just leaves me feeling guilty and awful as I do rely on them for some financial help.

Now, my dad has essentially said he wants to cut me off. I feel like a terrible person like I must be an awful daughter if my own parents want to walk away from me. But at the same time, I don’t think it’s fair to be spoken to like that, and I just don’t know what to do next. I’d hate to lose them over this, but I also feel I need some boundaries. I feel because they give me financial support I’m still seen as their small child. I guess that IS what happens when you find yourself my age relying on help from parents.

Has anyone else experienced anything like this? How do you handle parents who help you practically but make you feel emotionally drained? Please believe me I am so grateful for their help and don't want to come across as a spoilt brat, but I just don’t like the way they speak to me or I’m not allowed to say things regarding my daughter. Hope that all makes sense, it’s a long ramble.

Laughing at all the people rushing to explain how normal it is for grandparents to assert that their child “hates” them and is teaching them grandchild to “hate them.” This is a very emotionally violent and divisive thing to say. Yes! They probably don’t say it to friends or outsiders—because those people would cut them off without a backwards glance. The fact that they say it to OP doesn’t make them less culpable, it makes them more culpable, because they are covertly abusing her within the private, domestic, space and using her child and her visiting status and perceived financial vulnerability against her to keep her in line.

But when I call them out or p ur a boundary in I'm then shouted down or called a 'stupid girl' I think the idea of reworking the dynamics of the relationship is a good idea.

Ok, different perspective from most here OP...

You're in your 40s, so presumably your parents have been together for somewhere in the region of half a century or more. What do you think gives you the right to walk into their house and start 'calling then out'?

Especially given that you know exactly what will happen when you do this - it will cause arguments between them and arguments between the three of you. Do you not feel like you're poking the bear a little?

In the kindest possible way they don't seem particularly nice people to be around, but they probably also still see you as something of a dependent child. Rightly or wrongly, if I was your mum/dad I wouldn't be happy with a dependent child walking into my house and telling me how to behave towards my husband/wife of 40+ years.

You're very unlikely to change them, the only thing you can do is change how you behave towards them. If that means not seeing them anymore, maybe that's for the best?

I hear you, my father is similar and it makes my life miserable.
I understand they are the way they are because of their upbringing and life experiences and they haven realised that they are harming their families but that doesnt make it any easier for us.

Calling you a ‘stupid child / women’ are the words of a misogynist bully.

You are an adult and don’t have to put up with this toxic behaviour.

My advice is that you can’t change / control your parents (the behaviours are entrenched). But you can control how you respond. Put boundaries in place & stick to them.

It's hard to tell if it's abuse from your examples.

your daughter tells you her partner calls her stupid in front of people and then lies about it. You’re not sure if this is abusive? How often do you tell people they are stupid and then lie about it?

They might just be difficult people and are much more likely to show their worst side to you than friends.

this is abusive people. Abusive people are difficult. Abusive people often only end up having close family to be abusive to because over time disordered peoples networks get smaller and smaller.

hat do you think gives you the right to walk into their house and start 'calling then out'?

I must have read the wrong op. They didn’t flounce in unexpected while they were eating in front of the Antiques Road Show. They asked their parent to give the child a bit of space and time. If that string of words is the equivalent of kicking a hornets nest then you’re dealing with a hornets nest. Keep TF back.

Disordered people are angry most of the time and can be guaranteed to kick off if made to feel even slightly awkward. And never about the stuff that they should be angry about. If there is someone you know who would get unreasonable upon hearing a string of words you’re probably dealing with someone who lacks empathy to a level that makes them harmful.

Me I do

I think that is abit different to op's dad who is calling his her Stupid....,

I think they are accusing you of hating them because they are behaving in a hateful way. They know really that their behaviour is not acceptable and they try to push your understandably negative reaction to it to the furthest extreme - the taboo and shocking idea of hating your own parents. Thereby silencing you and denying you the right to express any feeling or thought that isn't purely adoring of them.
Good for you for sticking up for yourself and your DD. Of course they won't like that at all and I'm sure won't take the opportunity for self-reflection but will lash out, as you're finding with your dad's threats to cut you off. It's still important that you did it though, just for yourself. As you're aware they are unlikely to radically alter their behaviour at this point so all you can change is your own.

OP has mentioned multiple times getting shouted at because she 'calls out' her parents behavior to one another.

I sometimes wonder if this emotional abuse is very confusing because it is not obviously extreme, there are no beatings or broken bones and it is often accompanied by good provision for the child in other areas e.g material, education. It’s leads the child into a long life of gaslighting themselves and self denial and betrayal.

Their bad upbringing is a Reason, not an Excuse.
Until you understand that the abuse continues....,,

This.
It is very clear what's going off here.

As someone who’s parents argued all their life DO NOT JOIN IN, you will be in the wrong and they will carry on as always. If mine were at it, I would deflect and if it carried on make an excuse and leave. I learned this the hard way over many years, mine were at it till death! Proves how they are by being the same with brother. However, as mother who help my adult kids financially, I get a brief thanks, then forgotten as it should be. We are equal adults in a loving family relationship and I would never dream of using this help against them. I have helped with deposits, child care and fees for it, holidays and home improvements. They have never asked, I give because I want to make life a little easier and I have spare cash. I would sooner help now than they get it in 30 years when they have less need. The thought of it placing them under any obligation to me is disgusting.
Sadly in your place, don’t accept any financial help from them. If they ever offer reuse or send back. You don’t have to say it comes with too many strings, but they will learn.
For help, the nhs seen to have some free on-line options and there are helpful books around. But you know the score and have stood up for yourself good.
Train them to treat you with respect or keep away with your child and she will learn too. It will hurt them more than you. Hopefully they will learn mine did, but you have to keep on it and keep your boundaries up. My mother thought she had the right to know what I was d owing at all times, no way. Good luck op

A really excellent post.

I'm lucky to have a good relationship with my adult children, but negotiating the constantly changing dynamic can be really trying and nerve-wracking at times.

For instance I would never go to my children's homes and criticise anything about their home or their housekeeping. Yet one of my daughters in particularly will always find something in my house that is 'wrong' within ten minutes of arriving. She's otherwise lovely (and has recently started admiring things too) but I still haven't found the confidence or the words to say 'hang on, why do you do this? How would you feel if you l walked into your house and criticised something?' without feeling that I was risking the relationship.

But yes, OP, while they are funding your life, the dynamic is going to be way more complex. And you certainly need to dial down your own loud and argumentative nature of you want your dad to.

Your OP was very long and guess what I took away from it? ALL of it sounds dysfunctional. Not just the bit about your recent visit - the entire thing including the context. Can you see that?

I think there were clearly warning signs that something isn’t right in your relationship with them, but you chose to ignore those signs and this is what the outcome was.

Did you know the majority of people just have purely loving relationships with their family right? Where most interactions are kind and loving? What you have experienced isn’t normal.

@Sticksandstones79 - how reliant are you on your parents for financial support?
Are you able to cover whatever costs they are covering by yourself?

You need to be an adult here (just as you were when you stood up for your daughter) and stand on your own two feet. How you do that will be up to you but I think you need to cut the ties. When your parents want to see you, you do it on your terms. If they come to visit, they shouldn't stay with you, they should stay somewhere else. You shouldn't stay with them either when you go to visit them. If that means that you don't see each other as often then that's ok from where I'm sitting.

There was a really similar scenario to this a while back. Same kind of parents who were excellent with practical help, but less so in other areas. Similar infantilising behaviour. I wish I could link it! The advice was very good.

Your Dad did hold out an olive branch in the end. I think you should have taken it and stayed. You agree they help you a lot physically and financially, but they are maybe not the most cuddly. Grandparents excited to see grandchild who is maybe tired after the trip and not in the mood for the love bomb, could probably have been handled better. It would be a shame to totally fall out over something pretty trivial in the scheme of things.

Oh OP - ‘help - the soft form of control’

you appear to have my parents, I recently asked in the elderly parents section for help staying in contact with them as my parents are rather toxic but quite well off. The responses were very elucidating from obviously people like my parents.

they won’t change. Only you can change what you put up with.

waffle... OR she is using them and they know it

i was thinking the same. She's said that she can be pretty direct as well....

My ILs were like this when the kids were little.

I suppose it came from excitement about seeing them at their house(?)

But we'd barely be in the house & it would be "look at this book/do this puzzle/here's a colouring book /what have you been doing since we last saw you?"

The best or worst one was that they had a musical box workings & I swear MIL would wind it up when she heard the car & she'd be sticking against the kid's ears before we had coats off.

"Do you remember this from last time you saw Gran? Does it remind you of Gran?"

Honestly we probably saw them every 2/3 weeks & for a day at that!

I use to usher them into the bathroom for wees or get a drink/snack at the kitchen table.

Maybe go into the garden & ask Gran & Grandad to talk about the flowers they had there & the different birds that visited until things calmed down a bit!

Well why is she the only one held to some standard “don’t be direct?” (Horrors! Direct speech! In the firm of “please don’t crowd you g child.” )

Not sure if you are implying I am saying its an excuse? To me it obviously isnt.

Its hard to deal with whether you understand or not. Understanding makes it easier but not easy.