Feeling Shocked After a Big Argument With My Parents

[Sticksandstones79]

Sorry it's a long one.

I’m not really sure what I want from this post, but I’ve just had a huge argument with my parents and ended up leaving their house with my 4-year-old daughter. I’m 44 and still in a bit of shock.

I’ve always thought of my family as close, but we’ve also always been loud and argumentative. My dad and I have very similar personalities, and we tend to clash. He often criticizes me, saying I’m rude, awful, or ungrateful. I’m not perfect, but I do call him out when I think he’s being rude or short-tempered, which he hates. He can also be quite rude to my mum, and while she will bicker with him, if I point out the same behavior, she tells me I’m being difficult or disrespectful.

My parents live abroad for half the year and spend the other half two hours away from me. I’m a single parent, and over the past couple of years, they’ve helped me a lot - financially with childcare and practically with moving house. I’ve always been grateful, sending thank-you cards, thoughtful gifts, and inviting them for meals and visits. I try my best to show appreciation, but our family has never been great at talking about emotions. Their love language is practical help, but emotional support has always been lacking. I think that’s given me insecurities, but overall, I know I’m very lucky to have them. And they have always been there for me.

Life has been incredibly stressful for me the past two weeks, with work pressures and waiting for biopsy results for a lump (which, thankfully, turned out to be benign). My mum knew about it but forgot to ask about the results because she was focused on her sick dog. She was happy for me when I told her, but it stung a little that she hadn’t remembered.

This weekend, I was supposed to stay with them, so I drove two hours in rush hour traffic and heavy rain with my daughter. When we arrived, they were excited to see her, but she was a little quiet and withdrawn. My dad immediately huffed, then started following her around. At one point, I heard her say, “Leave me alone,” so I gently called out, “Dad, just give her a little space.”

That’s when everything kicked off. My dad muttered under his breath about me, “She hasn’t even been here five minutes and she’s starting again.” I replied, “Dad, there’s no need to react like that, I’m just asking you to give her a bit of space.” He then stormed past me and snapped, “Stupid girl!”

It was so awkward. My mum immediately turned on me, saying, “Why did you have to be like that with your father?”

I told her I didn’t appreciate the way he spoke to me, but instead of acknowledging it, she dismissed it completely. She even insisted that he never called me a “stupid girl” and that I was making it up. The conversation escalated as I stuck up for myself and they started telling me I was ungrateful and that I must hate them.

At that point, I decided to leave. The atmosphere felt toxic and I didn’t want to stay in that environment with my daughter. As I was packing, my dad suddenly softened and asked, “Are you sure you want to leave?” I calmly said yes because I didn’t want any more arguments.

Then my mum went straight back on the defensive, saying, “Well, I’m not going to argue.” They’re in their mid-70s, and now I feel awful.

Aside from my relationship with my parents, my friendships and work relationships are healthy. I don’t have these kinds of conflicts with other people. But with my parents, I often feel like they think they can say whatever they like to me, yet if I call them out on it or express that I’m hurt, I’m labeled as difficult or ungrateful. They also play the “After everything we do for you, you must really hate us” card, which just leaves me feeling guilty and awful as I do rely on them for some financial help.

Now, my dad has essentially said he wants to cut me off. I feel like a terrible person like I must be an awful daughter if my own parents want to walk away from me. But at the same time, I don’t think it’s fair to be spoken to like that, and I just don’t know what to do next. I’d hate to lose them over this, but I also feel I need some boundaries. I feel because they give me financial support I’m still seen as their small child. I guess that IS what happens when you find yourself my age relying on help from parents.

Has anyone else experienced anything like this? How do you handle parents who help you practically but make you feel emotionally drained? Please believe me I am so grateful for their help and don't want to come across as a spoilt brat, but I just don’t like the way they speak to me or I’m not allowed to say things regarding my daughter. Hope that all makes sense, it’s a long ramble.

This is the most sensible response I have read.

But continue taking the money?

This is tricky. I can see why they frustrate you but responding as you do won't improve things.

It's a good rule never to intervene in another couples arguments or relationship and that applies just as much to your parents as it does to friends. Unless your mum specifically asks for your advice or intervention you should keep your opinions to yourself.

If you had just ignored your dad's snippy comments this would never have escalated. OF COURSE he should do better and know better but you can't change him, you can only change your reaction to him. You know he is touchy and moody but as soon as you walk though his front door you revert to a teenager and respond to him like you did when you,were living at home. Try and rise above him.

You say your family aren't good about talking about emotions - again, you can't change them. They don't know any different but you CAN change your own behaviour and can talk to them about your emotions. If it's going to go pear shaped doing it face to face write it down in a message or a card.

Tell them it makes you sad when you all argue, that you wish things were different, that if he wants to cut you off you will respect his decision but will still love him, you will always love him. Say that you hope he will change his mind and you can start afresh as a family. And let him be. Send the occasional text or a photo with no words just xxxs and wait.

You sound like a strong and loving family unit despite all this. Strong enough to row and argue and still love one another but the drama doesn't work for you anymore so a pause to reflect and let your dad realise how much he misses you and his GC might be good for you all.

All I’ve heard from your OP and updates is what your parents do to you? What do you do for them?

Your DP don’t like being told what to do, neither to you. Can you try a smile and nod, grey rock approach?

this is horrible for OP and the parents are really manipulative. I'd suggest getting some support from a therapist; you have been quietly assertive which is the right way to be. xxx

So this argument happened 2 years ago, when you were 42? What contact have you had since?

Your parents sound difficult. My advice would be to use "I" statements and "I feel.." as you can't argue with that.

My parents are very similar in the lack of emotional support, though they aren’t abrasive or argumentative like yours seem. Do you have close friends you can rely on for the emotional aspect. That’s who I go to when I’m looking for that. I’ve known from childhood that I wouldn’t get anything from them.

Im sure this will blow over, but if they do withdraw the financial support is your childs father paying towards her? If not go through CMS and make sure you’re getting what you’re entitled to from him. Check online to see if you’re entitled to any universal credit help. Help towards rent/childcare. Try not to rely on your parents for much. They will expect things of you and you don’t want to be indebted to them

Your DF was wrong, but I wonder what your tone was when you told him to give her some space when he was excited to see his DGD and trying to talk to her. Might you have sounded rude? Might it have been better if you’d said to your DD "Come and sit on my knee and we'll talk to Grandad" or something like that, or even "Dad, let’s just leave her alone for a few minutes, she’s just a bit bewildered"? It’s a shame you have to be so careful what you say to him (them) but if that’s the relationship you have (and you’re financially dependent on them) that’s the price you'll have to pay.

Even if you can manage financially without them, I would think very carefully about cutting them off from your little family. They have faults. You’ve said you do too. We all do. But if you really needed help of any kind, I bet they would support you, and I bet they love you and your DD even if they don’t show it in the right way, and would be on your side in a crisis. I don’t like the way some MNers are so quick to recommend people cutting parents out of their and their children's lives.

Whilst I am.not defending your parents, i envisage they were looking forward to seeing their grandchild, when she arrived she was tired and grumpy. You then berated them telling them to give her space.

You were tired after a fraught journey.

You say their financial support is their love language, perhaps they feel obligated to you and simply don't want to see you struggle. My parents would absolutely support me if necessary, but they can't afford to and I am fortunate not to need it.

I see frustration from all sides here....
Maybe travelling on a Saturday morning, when it's not dark would be easier for you, your daughter would be less tired. You could stop off somewhere in route at a nice park, to break up the drive. When your dad is overwhelming your daughter, can you not distract him?

Ime as parents get older, they have more in common with toddlers and a simple distraction might have avoided the argument, which undoubtedly escalated more than it should have..... no one is perfect 👌

OP, I know a few people have mentioned the fact your parents have sometimes helped you financially. FWIW, I think the same scenario would have played out whether or not that was the case.

Just curious as to how much money they give you a month? Can you go without it? If you can go without it then you can be on a much stronger footing setting boundaries

Do you and your DD have much contact with them when they're away? Do you Facetime?

Or are they virtual strangers to your DD when she sees them?

I agree. I think its a red herring

Join us on the stately homes thread @Sticksandstones79

You might just find that your walking out is the wake-up call your parents need...

My (now late) dad sounds much the same as yours. I was also a recipient of "Stupid, STUPID girl!" Said through clenched teeth, right into my late 20s (he died when I was 32). And it was never over anything serious. It was only for ever daring to contradict or correct him.
I remember one time we were discussing a church, and I mentioned that the choir were sat in the quire. He suddenly got furious, "There's no such thing!" And even when I pulled up Google to prove it, he just wouldn't back down, called me stupid, and was just completely off his rocker.

Then the final time it happened, we were looking at something together on his computer - I can't even remember what happened, but he threatened to slap me. I was probably 28-30 years old, and something in me snapped.
"If you ever say anything like that to me again, I'll walk out of this house, and I can't guarantee you'll ever see me again." He didn't apologise, but went quiet, and actually, he never said anything like that, or called me stupid ever again.

Granted, not very long after that, his health suddenly declined, and for the last 18 months of his life, he became very meek and mild-mannered compared to what he had been, and our relationship generally improved.

I'm 44 and just started therapy to explore my relationship with my dad after he behaved badly and upset me and my DH over Christmas. It was scary starting this but the whole relationship has caused me so much stress and upset that I needed to do something. I recognise some of mine in how you describe your dad. My mum was more ballsy than yours but essentially an appeaser and enabler too. You do need some help to untangle it all and I do recommend professional if you can. Maybe once your DC starts at school you might be able to budget for some sessions?

This whole dynamic seems very familiar, although my parents have now passed away, which I do feel loss and sadness about. As the years passed, things seemed to improve as my life became less stressful and my children grew up. I realised more how my parents had had neglectful childhoods, both not getting what they needed, and this resulted in many of their adult behaviours. My Dad having a short fuse and easily losing the plot, my Mum always bitter and resentful. They seemed very self-centred. Is there anything similar in your parents' backgrounds?

The accusations of turning of my child against them is exactly the sort of thing they said to me. I remember we had a similar argument when my DD was about 2 and upset them because she wasn't calm and quiet enough 😟! My Dad went ballistic and it created such bad reminders of my childhood that I left and couldn't talk to them for ages. I didn't want my DD experiencing the same things I had.

Sadly more distance was the way I was able to manage things. As I got older I found myself able to just float above it without too much emotional involvement. I think removing yourself from the financial support if possible would be helpful.

Sorry don't know if any of this is helpful!

She didn't berate them. She just asked an adult man to give space to a tired 4 year old child who was clearly communicating herself than she wasn't enjoying his attention.

In my experience (both as the parent and the child) when adult children return home, even for a visit, the relationship can subtly change to the parent child dynamic you used to have.
That is mostly fine until one of the parties steps outside that dynamic. If one of my (young) adult children comes home and corrects the way I cook something it feels strange. If I don't automatically go in to nurture mode they get uncomfortable. It's difficult to try and negotiate the new adult relationship in their childhood home.
When the "child" is in their 40s with a child of their own but still needs constant financial support it must be even harder to get the balance right.
It sounds like you and your parents are stuck in the parent - child relationship because you are not truly independent. It must be hard to show them your "true" self, a strong adult who is a great mum if you still rely on your parents to financially support you.
When you step outside the accepted status quo and act like a mother protecting her child, they handle it really badly. Probably because you are not staying within the roles you have all accepted for each other.
If the relationship and communication between you all isn't that great to begin with then when you challenge them their resistance to you standing up for yourself becomes exaggerated and dysfunctional. It's like when an older teen tries to assert their independence and as parents we say my house, my rules. Even if the teen totally hates what they are being told they really have no choice if they want to stay.
They punished you for the argument with your brother and sil because if they punished your brother he could walk away. You have to accept their behaviour if you want their support.
I think the only way you are going to be able to reset the relationship is by stopping asking/ taking money and by becoming truly independent.
That way you can choose what you will or won't accept. And can decide when to walk away.

@Sticksandstones79 I think perhaps the next logical step for you would be to come up with some kind of plan to become financially independent. Taking financial and other help from your parents really isn’t helping the dynamic that exists between you. If you feel comfortable to say a little more about your financial situation (as it’s an anonymous forum) perhaps you will get some good advice/suggestions here. I’m wondering if your parents have set it up so that you feel you cannot manage without their help?

Once you realise you do not need to rely on
your parents for anything at all, it will be easier to protect yourself from them. This might involve going very low contact/having contact on your own terms/leaving their house again the moment they become unreasonable. It feels like they hold most of the power because you (and they) think you need them, but I’m wondering if, as a woman in your mid 40’s, you need them as much as you think you do? What would you do if they suddenly cut off any support? Perhaps do that?

Yes my in laws are like this with my husband and I (known them since I was a teenager). Nice as pie when it's their way. Nasty when you dare to disagree or not do things exactly to their terms. Judge them by how they behave when you don't comply. That's when you get a true idea of them. If I say no or disagree with my parents it's never awkward, there is no pay back. It's an adult discussion, respect and move on. Disagree with my in laws and its us being unreasonable, punishment and payback. Its all about control.

You don’t sound as if you did anything wrong. Tbh, I’d find it very tiring to be around family members who bicker, argue, take everything personally and start manipulating people (you’ve brought on her chest pains). If they fall out with other family members, I kind of think the problem is them. Can you have a more distant relationship with them polite but not as emeshed? To tell your father you wouldn’t accept comments like that from friends so you certainly aren’t going to from him? Are you still financially dependent on them?

Anyone relate to this?

Not read all PP but just wanted to say it all seems a bit of a storm in a tea cup. Just brush over this event and any others as it seems you need their financial help at the moment. Maybe they have some declining mental faculties and have a fixed mind set about you. Try to humour them if you can.