Feeling Shocked After a Big Argument With My Parents

[Sticksandstones79]

Sorry it's a long one.

I’m not really sure what I want from this post, but I’ve just had a huge argument with my parents and ended up leaving their house with my 4-year-old daughter. I’m 44 and still in a bit of shock.

I’ve always thought of my family as close, but we’ve also always been loud and argumentative. My dad and I have very similar personalities, and we tend to clash. He often criticizes me, saying I’m rude, awful, or ungrateful. I’m not perfect, but I do call him out when I think he’s being rude or short-tempered, which he hates. He can also be quite rude to my mum, and while she will bicker with him, if I point out the same behavior, she tells me I’m being difficult or disrespectful.

My parents live abroad for half the year and spend the other half two hours away from me. I’m a single parent, and over the past couple of years, they’ve helped me a lot - financially with childcare and practically with moving house. I’ve always been grateful, sending thank-you cards, thoughtful gifts, and inviting them for meals and visits. I try my best to show appreciation, but our family has never been great at talking about emotions. Their love language is practical help, but emotional support has always been lacking. I think that’s given me insecurities, but overall, I know I’m very lucky to have them. And they have always been there for me.

Life has been incredibly stressful for me the past two weeks, with work pressures and waiting for biopsy results for a lump (which, thankfully, turned out to be benign). My mum knew about it but forgot to ask about the results because she was focused on her sick dog. She was happy for me when I told her, but it stung a little that she hadn’t remembered.

This weekend, I was supposed to stay with them, so I drove two hours in rush hour traffic and heavy rain with my daughter. When we arrived, they were excited to see her, but she was a little quiet and withdrawn. My dad immediately huffed, then started following her around. At one point, I heard her say, “Leave me alone,” so I gently called out, “Dad, just give her a little space.”

That’s when everything kicked off. My dad muttered under his breath about me, “She hasn’t even been here five minutes and she’s starting again.” I replied, “Dad, there’s no need to react like that, I’m just asking you to give her a bit of space.” He then stormed past me and snapped, “Stupid girl!”

It was so awkward. My mum immediately turned on me, saying, “Why did you have to be like that with your father?”

I told her I didn’t appreciate the way he spoke to me, but instead of acknowledging it, she dismissed it completely. She even insisted that he never called me a “stupid girl” and that I was making it up. The conversation escalated as I stuck up for myself and they started telling me I was ungrateful and that I must hate them.

At that point, I decided to leave. The atmosphere felt toxic and I didn’t want to stay in that environment with my daughter. As I was packing, my dad suddenly softened and asked, “Are you sure you want to leave?” I calmly said yes because I didn’t want any more arguments.

Then my mum went straight back on the defensive, saying, “Well, I’m not going to argue.” They’re in their mid-70s, and now I feel awful.

Aside from my relationship with my parents, my friendships and work relationships are healthy. I don’t have these kinds of conflicts with other people. But with my parents, I often feel like they think they can say whatever they like to me, yet if I call them out on it or express that I’m hurt, I’m labeled as difficult or ungrateful. They also play the “After everything we do for you, you must really hate us” card, which just leaves me feeling guilty and awful as I do rely on them for some financial help.

Now, my dad has essentially said he wants to cut me off. I feel like a terrible person like I must be an awful daughter if my own parents want to walk away from me. But at the same time, I don’t think it’s fair to be spoken to like that, and I just don’t know what to do next. I’d hate to lose them over this, but I also feel I need some boundaries. I feel because they give me financial support I’m still seen as their small child. I guess that IS what happens when you find yourself my age relying on help from parents.

Has anyone else experienced anything like this? How do you handle parents who help you practically but make you feel emotionally drained? Please believe me I am so grateful for their help and don't want to come across as a spoilt brat, but I just don’t like the way they speak to me or I’m not allowed to say things regarding my daughter. Hope that all makes sense, it’s a long ramble.

They don't see you as a grown-up it seems but I don't think removing financial support is the key to sorting that out. There are parents like that out there who still try acting as if you were in Yr 5 of primary even when you are 40+.
Thr best thing to do is avoiding arguments, just do not get into them, abd try to meet more on "your territory" or outside their home in general.

My folks are Asian if that's makes any difference and very similar. Lots of my mates are the same with their parents.

Seems cultural to me so I don't let it have an impact. Always take a logical approach and it works in my case.

Well like most children you need to decide if you need their continued help and their inheritance.

If you don't, then you can talk to them how you wish. If you do, then you need to be careful not to upset them even if you are in the right or else they will cut you off.

Only you can maket that decison.

Agree whole heartedly.
@Sticksandstones79
You will never get what you want from them.
They will never change.
They will always be right.
Doesn't matter how many 'chances' you give them.
(You may want to re-read that last sentence again)

They are still treating you like a child.
You are middle aged.
Cut the apron strings.

@Sticksandstones79 My Mum was like yours. My Stepdad was very volatile and could be downright nasty to me, when I called him out on it he'd blow up and scream at me, it would inevitably end up with him storming off like the injured party. My Mum would say, "why do you wind him up?" And "are you happy now?" as if it were my job to prevent this repeatedly happening, my job to walk on eggshells and never call him out on his appalling behaviour.

I would certainly be reducing the contact, you obviously all love each other but the toxic dynamic of your relationship is unlikely to change at this stage and it's a horrible environment for your DD to be in.

Thanks for all the responses. I wasn't trying to get into an argument. I was just simply advocating for my daughter and asking him to give her space. My parents seem to get very upset and offended if my child doesn't give them loads of attention. It's visible and vocal reaction if their grandchildren don't shower them with attention 'oh, ok then.'
It's frustrating. I've learnt to not cause an argument where I can. Thanks for all your helpful comments and advice.

No-one should tolerate being abused for a supposed inheritance.

There is no guarantee that an inheritance would be in the offing anyway; people like the OPs will probably leave it all to charity or anyone infact other than their own now adult children. People like the OPs parents use money to control their chosen target.

^ - what speakball says here OP -with bells on, sirens blaring and a ticker tape parade! ❤️💐 She/he has absolutely nailed this behaviour for you.
(Retired psychiatric nurse here who worked in ward for teenagers and adults who had suffered awful abuse as children). I well remember one woman saying "the fractures and the bruises healed but all the terrible things said to me are still stuck in my head years and years later and they hurt more". Never could understand that nonsense rhyme 'sticks and stones will break my bones but names will never hurt me' parroted by adults to children in the 1960s.

Good trauma-informed therapists who specialise in helping people who have experienced all kinds of abuse - and emotional abuse leaves the longest damage as you probably know - are worth their weight in gold. Their work saves lives every day.
You standing up for and protecting your daughter from these emotionally abusive behaviours is what every child needs to see growing up. Well done. You are a very good Mum.

Once you really accept that your parents are a toxic relationship for you, it will become easier.

How much do you rely on them financially?

Do not drive 2 hours to visit anymore, only to be greeted by 'you must hate us'. No one drives 2 hours in traffic to spend time with people they hate. You love them and their response is to verbally attack you and their granddaughter. Stop trying to prove your affection.

Look at how you can survive without their financial help.

I agree, the thing is OP at your parents age the bickering will just be a part of their lifestyle, they probably hardly notice that they’re bickering. The fact that you arrive and start picking up on it just creates a situation that didn’t previously exist.
You really would be better letting things go over your head, there is no need to nitpick what they say, just accept it’s part of their psyche now, take a deep breath and ignore it.
They have been exceptionally kind and supportive to you and it would be unkind in the extreme to walk away from them. Obviously they love and care about you, even though they’re not all lovely dovey about it, we all show our love in different ways, accept them for who they are.

@Runoutofmilk I looked after my child! I have always been an incredible mum.
Even if I say so myself

Just a few things, as people seem to think I started arguing. I simply asked my dad to give my daughter some space and then that's when he went off 'she's only been here two minutes and already acting like this' then massive huff stormed downstairs and said 'stupid girl' to me as he walked past. That is what I was upset about. When I said this to my mum (which in hindsight I shouldn't have done) my mum said it was all my fault, I caused the problem and my father never called my a stupid girl and I was making it up. That's when it blew up and I left and my dad said yes I think it's best and mentioned about cutting me off and not supporting me. I will have to make it work. As others have said, I can't rely on them. Whatever I need to do, I will do it.

Thanks for those responses that offered amazing advice and insight. It is so appreciated xxx

agree with this.

There are always things that crop up within families and people get irritated and annoyed and that's all understandable up to a certain level. It's part of the give and take that comes with family life. Some things annoy or upset us and other things give us unimaginable joy. I think we have to weigh up when things get out of balance, whether to address this directly or to just walk away.
From your description I would say it's certainly within the limits I set for myself. I would have intervened if I had seen that DD's standoffisness was obvious and upsetting others and mentioned that she just needed a bit of space.

I think DGPs commenting on whether DGC show them affection etc is quite common - but that doesn’t mean it’s right. We’ve had it from both sides, although not unpleasantly, with huffing and puffing - more often they’ll say they want DC to do something with them, play music etc. DS2 in particular doesn’t cope well with this, and I close it down. We were made to perform for the GPs but my DB hated it and I’m not putting my DC through it. PIL often comment now that DS2 didn’t rush to their room in the mornings when he was little like DS1 did, and I don’t like that type of comparison because there is an implicit criticism of him going on.

Are you 42 or 44?

Either way you are dependent on them and still seen as a child.

In contrast I’ve noticed that my aunt copes very well with her DGCs attitudes - the oldest can appear standoffish because she’s shy, not unpleasant, but my aunt doesn’t get offended or upset by it, and expect attention.

I’m 53 and I’m in a very similar situation OP. I haven’t spoken to my DP since Christmas after a massive blow out argument. I’ve had to accept that since childhood they have emotionally, verbally and into teenage years physically abused me and my DB.
I’ve had the same financial support and help from DP but the pay off to that has been the continued verbal belittling and put downs that have worn me down and made me ill. I’ve had to walk away for now and have had a bit of counselling that has basically said my current feelings of numbness and indifference to the situation are trauma related.
Ive had a lot of difficulty to manage over the last 13 years and I have to look forward and think about my own DC and family and myself and stop taking in the toxic behaviour of two grown adults who are making choices to continue to do what they want to do.
Good luck OP I know it’s hard I would strongly recommend some professional support to manage your resilience to this situation.

I agree. I'm sure OP's elderly parents resent to having to support their middle aged daughter and granddaughter with their pension checks and that's likely the real reason for the tension in the relationship.

I think it's very easy to be brainwashed into thinking you are in a normal, loving family when it's all you've ever know and it's difficult to accept when parents aren't loving, actually don't give a shit about your feelings or you as a person.

I used to think I was close to my dad but it only took one fall out with me and my brother for him to cut me, him and our children out of his lives forever. It was that conditional and that paper thin.

I see my husband's wonderful, normal family and think 'how come they never have the drama arguments and tensions that mine do'
It's because they are, generally speaking, emotionally healthy and loving in a way mine aren't. On the surface anyone would think they are not so close, they are quite prim and english and stiff upper lip. But when push comes to shove they are there for their children and there's a calmness, a stillness, that is just a lot healthier.

Could be .

If you and your father are both loud and argumentative, it's not surprising that your DD isn't related and happy when you visit them, frankly. And to some degree you need to recognise your part in this.

The only way I can see around this is for you and he to agrre to have a calm conversation about the way you both conduct your relationship, and the effect the status quo is having on their relationship with their granddaughter.

So see less of them, OP. They sound pretty unpleasant, so there is no reason to be in touch with them. At age 44, you do not need your parents - especially as they upset you. Concentrate on your child, your friends and a life that works for you.

And, obviously, stop accepting money from them - that really isn't helping.