Feeling Shocked After a Big Argument With My Parents

[Sticksandstones79]

Sorry it's a long one.

I’m not really sure what I want from this post, but I’ve just had a huge argument with my parents and ended up leaving their house with my 4-year-old daughter. I’m 44 and still in a bit of shock.

I’ve always thought of my family as close, but we’ve also always been loud and argumentative. My dad and I have very similar personalities, and we tend to clash. He often criticizes me, saying I’m rude, awful, or ungrateful. I’m not perfect, but I do call him out when I think he’s being rude or short-tempered, which he hates. He can also be quite rude to my mum, and while she will bicker with him, if I point out the same behavior, she tells me I’m being difficult or disrespectful.

My parents live abroad for half the year and spend the other half two hours away from me. I’m a single parent, and over the past couple of years, they’ve helped me a lot - financially with childcare and practically with moving house. I’ve always been grateful, sending thank-you cards, thoughtful gifts, and inviting them for meals and visits. I try my best to show appreciation, but our family has never been great at talking about emotions. Their love language is practical help, but emotional support has always been lacking. I think that’s given me insecurities, but overall, I know I’m very lucky to have them. And they have always been there for me.

Life has been incredibly stressful for me the past two weeks, with work pressures and waiting for biopsy results for a lump (which, thankfully, turned out to be benign). My mum knew about it but forgot to ask about the results because she was focused on her sick dog. She was happy for me when I told her, but it stung a little that she hadn’t remembered.

This weekend, I was supposed to stay with them, so I drove two hours in rush hour traffic and heavy rain with my daughter. When we arrived, they were excited to see her, but she was a little quiet and withdrawn. My dad immediately huffed, then started following her around. At one point, I heard her say, “Leave me alone,” so I gently called out, “Dad, just give her a little space.”

That’s when everything kicked off. My dad muttered under his breath about me, “She hasn’t even been here five minutes and she’s starting again.” I replied, “Dad, there’s no need to react like that, I’m just asking you to give her a bit of space.” He then stormed past me and snapped, “Stupid girl!”

It was so awkward. My mum immediately turned on me, saying, “Why did you have to be like that with your father?”

I told her I didn’t appreciate the way he spoke to me, but instead of acknowledging it, she dismissed it completely. She even insisted that he never called me a “stupid girl” and that I was making it up. The conversation escalated as I stuck up for myself and they started telling me I was ungrateful and that I must hate them.

At that point, I decided to leave. The atmosphere felt toxic and I didn’t want to stay in that environment with my daughter. As I was packing, my dad suddenly softened and asked, “Are you sure you want to leave?” I calmly said yes because I didn’t want any more arguments.

Then my mum went straight back on the defensive, saying, “Well, I’m not going to argue.” They’re in their mid-70s, and now I feel awful.

Aside from my relationship with my parents, my friendships and work relationships are healthy. I don’t have these kinds of conflicts with other people. But with my parents, I often feel like they think they can say whatever they like to me, yet if I call them out on it or express that I’m hurt, I’m labeled as difficult or ungrateful. They also play the “After everything we do for you, you must really hate us” card, which just leaves me feeling guilty and awful as I do rely on them for some financial help.

Now, my dad has essentially said he wants to cut me off. I feel like a terrible person like I must be an awful daughter if my own parents want to walk away from me. But at the same time, I don’t think it’s fair to be spoken to like that, and I just don’t know what to do next. I’d hate to lose them over this, but I also feel I need some boundaries. I feel because they give me financial support I’m still seen as their small child. I guess that IS what happens when you find yourself my age relying on help from parents.

Has anyone else experienced anything like this? How do you handle parents who help you practically but make you feel emotionally drained? Please believe me I am so grateful for their help and don't want to come across as a spoilt brat, but I just don’t like the way they speak to me or I’m not allowed to say things regarding my daughter. Hope that all makes sense, it’s a long ramble.

This is very accurate!

One of the most logical responses on here.

no one is perfect 👌

My hunch is that op worked this out when she was very young much like you and I did. Do you think up until op read what you tapped out on your phone that they has assumed all humans were perfect?

She didn't berate them.

depends on the tone though doesn't it!

It still does not excuse or justify OPs father’s behaviour.

Boundaries boundaries boundaries. Id recommend some therapy for yourself to support you in recalibrating your relationship with your parents. Well done for sticking up for yourself. I have had similar issues with family in the past and therapy really helped me. That and some distance (staying with other relatives for example during visits) and having firm boundaries of what I will and wont tolerate in terms of behaviour. Becoming a parent was also a real turning point for me, I was ademant that my children wouldn't be exposed to such behaviour, indirectly or otherwise. They soon got the message and things have been much better ever since.

depends on the tone though doesn't it!

Does his tone matter? Or is it just her who needs to learn how to navigate his disorder?

If op was talking about her partner you wouldn’t be minimising her experiences of verbal abuse by suggesting she caused it would you? Would you? 😳

People are staying away from the word, perhaps for fear of the judgement of other commenters, but you are basically describing the very typical behavior of a narcissist and his enabler. The focus on the young child—children below 7 are often very attractive and delightful to narcissists because they can be a good source of narcissistic supply. The insults to you (stupid girl) when you try to gently refirect or correct. The use of gifts and money to control you. The rapid cycling of gifting and hostility (threatening cut off, you hate us) etc…

If you haven’t read them I recommend books like Leslie Gibson’s books on The Emotionally Immature Parent (yours are definitely in that book). Out Of The Fog (can’t remember the author but there is also a website) and the reddit “raised by narcissists” for support understanding this relationship.

it does make a difference, It can either be understood as aggressive or explanatory.

I agree.
He was harassing the gd and called his daughter a 'stupid girl'.
How many people would you accept being called stupid by?

The tone OP used herself was gentle and asking her father to give her DD some space. This sadly gave her dad enough ammo to kick off.

Her parents are not emotionally healthy and such behaviour regardless of who they are should never be tolerated or excused.

Haha! I always think of this on mumsnet when at least a quarter of the responses rush to explain away cruelty and rudeness as deserved by the OP and absolutely natural to the relationship! Introduce money or childcare—and its even worse. On mumsnet “he who pays the piper calls the tune” isn’t so much an observation as a religious commandment.

In healthy families it is perfectly possible to support adult children and grandchildren with money, care, etc…without seizing it as an opportunity for control and abuse. We should call out this unhealthy dynamic when we see it. Not valorize it.

it does make a difference, It can either be understood as aggressive or explanatory

When the dad called her stupid was that just explanatory?

Ops dad is verbally abusive and is dishonest. We know this from her op. He is happy for people to lie for him. That makes him dishonest. But you come away from her post and are wondering about her tone?

This is like positional asphyxiation. ‘everything’s fine you just need to stop struggling for breath!’

Starting at about 70,my mom started to b a little odd/intolerat/said weird blunt things at times. Not frequently but enough to be noticed. We kidswere a panicked that she had dementia.

Anyway, she’s 85 now. She still on occasion says odd stuff. If you ask her about it later she is like “why did i say that”?

Also, she totally shuts down in communicating sometimes if topic requires complex emotions or emotional or complex decisions. Just cannot cope and stops talking. Gets defensive

We just give her the grace to be weird on occasion.

OP, you've had a rotten time and hope you can get some rest and support from friends in RL this weekend. It's very good you created a boundary between you and their anger and defensiveness, which aren't emotions that can be negotiated with.
Well done for recognizing that there is a distinction between financial support and emotional support. Just because you have the former from your parents does not mean you need to be endlessly grateful or ignore the absence of the latter, and the consequences of that absence. Ultimately your parents decided to offer you some financial support, you didn't force them into it.
It sounds like you have thought hard about how and why your parents react in the way they do, and what is difficult for you. Now you're having to recognize that you can't change them, just as they can't change you. You've tried, gently, to suggest some changes to your relationship and their behavior, and they don't want to make those changes.
So your next step is to decide how far you can have a relationship with them on their terms, without damaging your own wellbeing. It sounds like they want to help, in their own way, and that you'd like to continue having a relationship with them. As another poster said, consider if you could see them without staying with them. If you feel the financial support provokes tension or guilt then consider if you could do without it. If that isn't an option, think about other ways of nurturing yourself around times when you meet them or speak to them. Is there a good friend you could debrief with after you visit, for example? You'll need to look for emotional support from other people, including friends.

OP says her parents live abroad for half the year. Many countries, including some European countries, have different expectations of how children should behave , and I'm wondering if this played a role here?

Hi Sticks and Stones, just wanted to sympathise. I have very similar relationship with my parents - except my Mum is the narcissistic one. Everything is and always has been about her - she bickers with, criticises my Dad all the time if I call her out on it or push back in anyway then she cries she is being picked on. And he will support her.

She makes out that she is perfect and to maintain that she casts me in role of bad one, the unreasonable, ungrateful child (or someone else - Dad, neighbour, person serving her in shop etc) and rewrites history. It's infuriating. And people saying problem with resetting parent-child relationship is your responsibility have no idea - it's vital to my Mum's self image to keep the relationship as it is so she fights any attempt to change it.

Answer is boundaries - I live a long way away which helps so haven't felt need to go no contact. Interesting I also have a brother who has different relationship with her. Firstly she doesn't put emotional well-being responsibility on him and second she is afraid of losing relationship so he can push back more. He does see the narcissism and odd dynamics though.

Brother is fully on my side which is a great relief and makes me feel like I'm not insane. I'm in my 50s now, they are in their 80s. I fully admit (on anonymous forum) I'm only really keeping relationship going for the inheritance. Fuck it. They have not supported or enriched my life in any other way. They were good enough parents when I was a child: fed me, clothed me, educated me but emotional support has always flowed me to them not the other way round and they have been no benefit to my life as an adult.

My advice is get some therapy to help you be clear on dynamics, find a way to get some boundaries, and view the relationship as transactional - they give you financial support and childcare, you give them the attention they want. It's a bit more complicated on how you bring in and protect your DC in relationship but they need boundaries too and an understanding yes GPs are bonkers and unreasonable, we humour them.

You all sound very stressed. They are probably stressed that they're still supporting you when you're in your mid 40s. I'm in my 20s and have a toddler and my parents don't financially support me. You would've had a couple of decades to save money as you had a child in your 40s.

Calling out anyone is quite a rude thing to do full stop

@Octavia64 no its not rude, it's an assertive thing to do, making your boundaries clear.

It doesn't have to be confrontational or a shouting match, but making it clear you're not going to take their shit is a GOOD thing to do, for your own self esteem! Are you a people Pleaser too?

Awww OP. I understand your situation, I really do.
I've not had time to read through everything but I think not every fight needs to be fought.
If you intend on continuing the relationship with them id suggest calling, saying things got out of hand last night, perhaps tiredness played a role etc (you don't need to say whose ...yours/ your daughter's / your dad's) and you'd like to put it behind you and maybe go back up today? I know it's hard . We can't change our older parents, they are just the way they, we can't point things out like this situation has done and hope some of our points and values sink in and maybe make them behave better in the future but that's all. I think if you don't resolve this in some way you will feel guilty and sad and out of sorts all weekend. Let's get it sorted. ❤️ Sending you strength. You've done nothing wrong and they are lucky to have you (they'll know this and probably want the matter resolved too).

@speakball
Ops dad is verbally abusive and is dishonest. We know this from her op. He is happy for people to lie for him. That makes him dishonest. But you come away from her post and are wondering about her tone?

my comment about the tone was referring to the comment ' she didn't berate him' as in “Dad, there’s no need to react like that, I’m just asking you to give her a bit of space.”
There are two ways to to interpret this, either as the 'teacher lecturing' or a person explaining.

I found this book about Internal Family Systems really helpful. You are clearly stuck in one where your parents don’t recognise you as an independent adult.
They have conflict with each other, so when you arrive, they offload it onto you. And you are confused as you have literally just walked in.
Because they are providing financial support they feel it is fine to treat you like a child, and when they don’t get what they want, they become like children.
Faced with any criticism, they join together and go on the attack.
If you stay in it, you stay in it.
But by stepping away, you get some perspective.
They are not used to hearing ‘no’ and they won’t change, but you can.
When you walk into their home, they see you as a child. It’s not right, by the way.
They are in their 70’s now and you need to act, as you don’t want to be dealing with them in their 80’s as they will inevitably become more demanding, and more unpleasant if you don’t give in to them.
It doesn’t mean cutting them off, but not fearing a different way is the best way.
www.amazon.co.uk/Self-Help-This-Chance-Change/dp/1401976662/ref=asc_df_1401976662?mcid=e121cf5d93e8347195faf775791c44be&th=1&psc=1&tag=googshopuk-21&linkCode=df0&hvadid=697364111492&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=4536393207467607380&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9046550&hvtargid=pla-2313636514310&psc=1&gad_source=1

Sadly penny her parents have always been like this and the only way they will accept is their way. Not all parents are nice and kind and their way of solving problems is for the OP to completely capitulate and take all their flak or chuck money at her making her feel more obligated. Her parents gave her this money but it was done also by them to control her.

I would not want either of OPs parents to be around any child of mine either. If they are too difficult/batshit etc for the OP to deal with, its the SAME deal for the child too.

I agree with PPs that you need to do everything you can to stop relying on them. How does your DD feel about them?

^^ this

It's hard to tell if it's abuse from your examples. They might just be difficult people and are much more likely to show their worst side to you than friends.