Feeling Shocked After a Big Argument With My Parents

[Sticksandstones79]

Sorry it's a long one.

I’m not really sure what I want from this post, but I’ve just had a huge argument with my parents and ended up leaving their house with my 4-year-old daughter. I’m 44 and still in a bit of shock.

I’ve always thought of my family as close, but we’ve also always been loud and argumentative. My dad and I have very similar personalities, and we tend to clash. He often criticizes me, saying I’m rude, awful, or ungrateful. I’m not perfect, but I do call him out when I think he’s being rude or short-tempered, which he hates. He can also be quite rude to my mum, and while she will bicker with him, if I point out the same behavior, she tells me I’m being difficult or disrespectful.

My parents live abroad for half the year and spend the other half two hours away from me. I’m a single parent, and over the past couple of years, they’ve helped me a lot - financially with childcare and practically with moving house. I’ve always been grateful, sending thank-you cards, thoughtful gifts, and inviting them for meals and visits. I try my best to show appreciation, but our family has never been great at talking about emotions. Their love language is practical help, but emotional support has always been lacking. I think that’s given me insecurities, but overall, I know I’m very lucky to have them. And they have always been there for me.

Life has been incredibly stressful for me the past two weeks, with work pressures and waiting for biopsy results for a lump (which, thankfully, turned out to be benign). My mum knew about it but forgot to ask about the results because she was focused on her sick dog. She was happy for me when I told her, but it stung a little that she hadn’t remembered.

This weekend, I was supposed to stay with them, so I drove two hours in rush hour traffic and heavy rain with my daughter. When we arrived, they were excited to see her, but she was a little quiet and withdrawn. My dad immediately huffed, then started following her around. At one point, I heard her say, “Leave me alone,” so I gently called out, “Dad, just give her a little space.”

That’s when everything kicked off. My dad muttered under his breath about me, “She hasn’t even been here five minutes and she’s starting again.” I replied, “Dad, there’s no need to react like that, I’m just asking you to give her a bit of space.” He then stormed past me and snapped, “Stupid girl!”

It was so awkward. My mum immediately turned on me, saying, “Why did you have to be like that with your father?”

I told her I didn’t appreciate the way he spoke to me, but instead of acknowledging it, she dismissed it completely. She even insisted that he never called me a “stupid girl” and that I was making it up. The conversation escalated as I stuck up for myself and they started telling me I was ungrateful and that I must hate them.

At that point, I decided to leave. The atmosphere felt toxic and I didn’t want to stay in that environment with my daughter. As I was packing, my dad suddenly softened and asked, “Are you sure you want to leave?” I calmly said yes because I didn’t want any more arguments.

Then my mum went straight back on the defensive, saying, “Well, I’m not going to argue.” They’re in their mid-70s, and now I feel awful.

Aside from my relationship with my parents, my friendships and work relationships are healthy. I don’t have these kinds of conflicts with other people. But with my parents, I often feel like they think they can say whatever they like to me, yet if I call them out on it or express that I’m hurt, I’m labeled as difficult or ungrateful. They also play the “After everything we do for you, you must really hate us” card, which just leaves me feeling guilty and awful as I do rely on them for some financial help.

Now, my dad has essentially said he wants to cut me off. I feel like a terrible person like I must be an awful daughter if my own parents want to walk away from me. But at the same time, I don’t think it’s fair to be spoken to like that, and I just don’t know what to do next. I’d hate to lose them over this, but I also feel I need some boundaries. I feel because they give me financial support I’m still seen as their small child. I guess that IS what happens when you find yourself my age relying on help from parents.

Has anyone else experienced anything like this? How do you handle parents who help you practically but make you feel emotionally drained? Please believe me I am so grateful for their help and don't want to come across as a spoilt brat, but I just don’t like the way they speak to me or I’m not allowed to say things regarding my daughter. Hope that all makes sense, it’s a long ramble.

It’s not you . It’s them . Your dad is the boss and your mum has toed the line .
The both expect you to do the same. .

Id stay the two hours away . Don’t have a big fall out but be ready for when their financial help stops.

That’s manipulation and control . They aren’t doing it for kindness are they as it has conditions.

That all sounds really hard and draining, OP, and I'm sorry your parents are treating you this way.

Reading your post I was really struck by the fact that the bickering-style eggshell tension is much more reminiscent of how couples can feel and behave towards one another than the usual parent-daughter dynamic.

Do you think that your parents' bickering with one another is so draining and habitual for them that when you come on the scene you just get roped into that dynamic? And because they are so permanently exhausted by it they react to any small friction with you as if it was the final straw?

And do you think that perhaps, since you have been so exposed to this dynamic, you too are perpetually primed for a bickering-type response? (That isn't intended as a criticism. The dynamic is so emotionally exhausting that it leaves us less able to respond constructively.)

I also wondered whether the fact that you are single means that the kind of bickering that would normally take place between the stressed parents of a young child has got displaced into your relationship with your own parents. The fact that they are heavily practically involved in your life might make this more likely.

No-one behaves well when they are emotionally exhausted, and the relationship between the three of you sounds exactly like that of two exhausted parents running after a toddler.

I think you did well to leave the situation so that you can give yourself space to recover a bit. But I wonder whether your parents will just carry on exhausting one another, so that they may not achieve a state in which they can talk with you constructively about this.

Op I just want to say I absolutely understand all of this. My parents are like this too and as I've gotten older and had kids I don't tolerate it nearly half as much.
They see you as a child.bthey can criticise you but you can give them your opinion on their things.
You definitely did the right thing by leaving. One time I also stood up for myself, it ended up me saying I was leaving and my mum was dragging me back thought the door by my arm and telling my dad not to let me leave. I physically couldn't actually leave so I sat down. We sat in silence. My dad took my baby out of the house while me and my mum shouted at each other. My mum dragged everything under the sun back into the argument because she knew she was at fault and couldn't admit it! Finally my dad came back in and asked if I was happy with the screaming match.

Since then I'd say relationships are better probably because I did stand up for myself.

I'd not be in touch for a fair while now. Try not to divulge much information to them - I feel I go wrong here and tell them too much about my life but they definitely don't tell me all about theirs!
My mum always prioritised the relationship with my dad over her and her children.

I think they sound quite manipulate, and certainly hyper-critical. Calling you stupid is unacceptable. In front of your daughter even more so.

It’s time for boundaries. Can you talk to your brother? Being able to share your reflections can help bolster your confidence and resolve. September is not so long a time to wait and once your daughter is in school life will likely become easier.

My mum was a single mum and put a great distance between herself and her parents because of the cruel things they said and did to her. I think the calculation you need to make is whether having them such a big part of your life is in the best interests of yourself or your child. It doesn’t mean you have to cut them out, but you can start putting in some boundaries. As for the guilt tripping, you need to learn to be more assertive with that. So when they start on the “you hate us” stuff you respond firmly and don’t back down. It’s a manipulation tactic and it’s working.

Btw, there is still free therapy available in lots of NHS trusts!

I sympathise @Sticksandstones79
Its good I think that your DB and SIL have also experienced similar which does give you some solidarity and hopefully someone to talk to?
With them being away for 6 months and being 2 hours away it’s slightly easier to be low contact rather than completely cut off, and you can decide that, even without telling them, you will only see them at certain times and as your DC gets older and you have more things to do with them at weekends etc you could just head over for the day when you want to rather than stay over.

I have had similar over the years with my DP who would also criticise try to control what I did and belittle me and it has def changed my relationship with my dad and my mum has now passed.
They woukd tell me what I could and couldn’t do with my DC and I must admit it took me years to get out of the fog of just doing it.
Eg for years we never spend Christmas with my DH family as my kids were ‘ the only grandchildren’ and that was very guilt tripping. I feel so guilty about it now.
My dad acts like a petulant child if he doesn’t get his way and now I just ignore him. He pulled this at Christmas just gone with his partner, its awful behaviour.
They Dm and Dad once told me they were ‘worried’ about my DC1 as I didn’t ‘show them any affection or attention when I had my DC2’ which was not true - very hurtful and the remarks were designed to be hurtful. My dad doesn’t have a great relationship with my kids ( now adults) because of lots of comments etc like this over the years.

Do you think that your parents' bickering with one another is so draining and habitual for them that when you come on the scene you just get roped into that dynamic? And because they are so permanently exhausted by it they react to any small friction with you as if it was the final straw?

I think this is spot on

You say that you and your dad both have similar personalities and are loud and clash

A lot of adults with disordered parents cling to this possibility for decades. I’ve had other members of my family frame my abusers abuse as a clash of personalities. Clashing is all well and good but abuse is NEVER part of clashing. Gaslighting is NEVER part of clashing, name calling is NEVER part of clashing.

if someone is disordered they will clash with anyone who doesn’t enable them. This is why they often have very, very small lives.

Well, I think here is your answer. You have a few months until your child starts school, and things will get way easier. I’d not take financial help from your parents, grey rock them, keep low contact. If they are abroad 1/2 the year and live far away, this will be easier. Just reply to any contact with non committal boring statements. If they get out of line, end the texting or telephone call. When they realise you are not going to people please/be the scapegoat, they will probably kick up for a while, but if you stick with it, new boundaries will be drawn, and they may actually end up respecting you more. There is a recent book called Boundary Boss that might help you.

Use Claude ai as free therapy.

@AlbertCamusflage this is all so helpful thank you and makes complete sense.

Yes, I agree about why that dynamic happens. My brother moved country and was never around much through 20s/30s so has always been just me with them. They help financially (appreciated extra financial help but I pay my lion's share) but practically (childcare etc etc they don't do much as they live abroad most of the time or two hours away)! But everything you said makes complete sense

It's insane to be in a house where my parents speak awfully to each other! But when I call them out or p ur a boundary in I'm then shouted down or called a 'stupid girl' I think the idea of reworking the dynamics of the relationship is a good idea. Weirdly they wanted me to go over and stay for two or three weeks, but I think it's more to spend time with my daughter than me.

Stop looking for something you will never get from them. You have a dysfunctional family dynamic and there is little you can do to break that even if you wanted to.
they key thing is to stop blaming yourself.
its not your fault, these patterns were set when you were a child. Yes it really stings when you suddenly realise your mother is part of the pattern too. You react because they make you feel bad and guilty and because you are hoping for a different reaction or something that will redeem the situation. It won’t. Feel sad for them but gently and calmly refuse to play the role they have cast you. I’ve rewritten the rules with my elderly parent this way gently and with my reactions and the way our conduct our relationship even without getting into the ins and outs of it. Like training a toddler really! There is nothing wrong with you

People-pleasing is a completely different thing to ‘niceness’, though. People-pleasing involves behaving in a certain way to achieve a particular result from other people — it’s a very bad habit, and often ends up with people-pleasers simmering with covert resentment when the behaviour doesn’t achieve the desired result.

OP, how dependent on them are you financially, and in terms of practical support? It sounds as if the implicit ‘bargain’ here is that your parents help you out, but require in return a certain kind of behaviour from you.

And your daughter, but as she’s a small child, she didn’t get the memo, and is understandably more focused on her own feelings, rather than her grandfather requiring her to perform happiness at seeing him. (It’s telling that the two big arguments you describe kicked off when two young children behaved like two young children, and that normal child behaviour like being quiet just after a long drive at night or crying after a toy is taken away, is seen as evidence of having been ‘turned against’ them.)

I do also note that you emphasise how long and difficult the drive was, as though you were doing your parents a favour by visiting them in challenging circumstances, so I wonder if part of the tension was that you expected them to be ‘grateful’, and they visibly weren’t?

I actually recognise this from my own parents, who both come from dysfunctional backgrounds, and have absolutely no capacity for self-regulation, or reflecting on their own behaviours and motivations. Mine won’t change (older than yours). I think all you can change here is your own behaviour.

And a pp is right in not being so reliant on them.
I was too but definitely things got better when I became self sufficient and actually refused some of their offered help

they react to any small friction with you as if it was the final straw?

Yeah that’s how abusers behave.

My life is stressful. Me and dp carry a lot of responsibility. I have never called him names then denied it when I am having a bad day. I have never humiliated him verbally and then lied about it. Abusers do that.

I think your dad likes being the centre of attention? He followed your DD around to get her to focus on him, he argues with you to get you to focus on him, he's horrible to your DM so that SHE gives him lots of attention?

So my answer would be to withdraw that attention. All the threats to 'cut you off' are just threats, he won't get what he wants if he does that. He likes the high drama of being argued with because it makes him feel powerful. So I'd say keep your head down, maybe have word with DH and SIL because they will get involved otherwise as flying monkeys. Give it until Easter and then send your parents a card, being very neutral. I suspect your DDad will back down first as the lack of attention will get to him.

They are both as manipulative AF but the won't see it. You can't change them, you can only decide to deal with them on your terms. The lack of emotional support is tough, but they don't know HOW to support you emotionally so you need your own network of friends to lean on, and keep your DP at arm's length while you work out how to move forward (I would suggest by seeing them very infrequently and communicating in writing, by email so you have written proof of how barking they can be).

Sounds horrible! My dad used to behave a bit like this. Does yours drink a lot by any chance? My parents both did and my mum actually died from alcoholism years ago. After that my dad stopped drinking completely (he now drinks a little bit). He mellowed out a lot when he stopped. I still don't see him very often, but when I do I'm not always waiting for him to behave like a childish bully all the time.

Sorry if I'm wide of the mark here but it just sounded so much like my dad.

Edited to remove something a bit outing!

It doesn’t sound good.

Have you taken money from them your entire adult life to sustain your lifestyle?

How does your DD’s father feel about them?

You need to start standing on your own two feet and providing for yourself and your DD and put down boundaries.

I’ve not read it all and I want to try and not be too outing for my own situation.
My parent came to stay with me during Covid when bubbles were introduced. It was high pressure, I was made redundant two weeks before lockdown, unable to find a new role and found it incredibly difficult trying to homeschool. DH continued to work in a vital role and was out of the house 12-14 hours a day.

I thought my parent (invited and accepted, not forced) was coming to help and to have company and not be alone etc. They turned up wanting to be entertained. Didn’t cook, help with housework or school work. Didn’t even mow the lawn when their own garden is treated like Chelsea Flower Show.

Like you, we’ve always had a more tempestuous relationship but muddled through just about managing to keep tempers at bay. The children loved spending time with my parent.

But they had unrealistic expectations of my children. “Why are they on face time with their friends rather than letting me teach them backgammon” “They spend too long on a computer game, you need to be stricter”
“Why are they kicking a ball around, they should be reading”

The final straw was when they shouted and screamed at my then 8 year old because he’d asked for a bit of space and went up to his room alone. Albeit with that “bloody tablet” again.

I’ve not seen the parent since. For me, the hardest thing was the “my way or highway” approach and an absolute reluctance to appreciate the unbelievable difficult circumstance of the time. Of course my kids wanted to face time friends, they usually spent 6-8 hours a day with young people to just seeing three adults was really tough for them.

I’ve tried to repair, I’ve tried to climb down from my anger. But their absolute refusal to accept they played their part is astonishing.

Almost 5 years later, I’m still incredibly sad about the whole thing. But I will also say that I am a million times happier.

I wish you peace x

I think this is very true.

At your age, why are you still so dependent on your parents? Unless you behave like a fully functioning independent adult, how do you expect them to see you like that?

Why was your mum sticking her nose in? None of her business. I'm also confused about why you were the fall guy for an argument you weren't even there for! I would love to hear your SIL story about what your parents are like

Your parents sound like toxic nightmares. I would be going LC or NC

I'd be cautious as whatever you decide to do, has an effect. If you desperately need their funding and childminding, I'd say nothing and continue as normal. If you can live without it, then take a massive step back from them. Send cards and phone them but no more visits.

What's wrong with calling out rude behaviour? If you don't want to be called out for rude behavior then don't do it 🤷‍♀️