How to navigate bad bonus with DH

[gollyimholly]

Sorry for such a long post, but I am hoping it is relevant context. Also sorry if this is more relevant in the money section but my question really is on how to navigate emotions more than anything.

I am a SAHM (our only DC is nearly 2 years old). Before DC was born, I was not planning on being a SAHM but maternity leave was stressful due to DC being in a hospital (with a particular illness she has but is generally ok now thankfully ie. she does not need any special support or care) and I am a far more anxious person than I realised. Neither DH nor I felt happy about daycare and I realised even after finding the perfect nanny, I just couldn't bring myself to leave DC. DH was very supportive of whichever I chose in terms of returning to work or staying with DC. I was very grateful to be able to stay home with DC and still am. Since being married (5 years this year), DH and I have shared finances completely and so it didn't feel like that much was going to be different for me.

However, whilst I was pregnant, DH had two job offers. We both jointly chose the job he went with but ultimately it was the wrong decision. It was the wrong decision for two reasons:

• it isn't the job DH has always worked in but a role that uses his skills instead (eg. surgeon moves into a company to advise on medical decisions) and so because it was so different to what his usual day at the office was he struggled to feel useful or someone that had any gravitas or importance.
• its earning potential is based on bonuses more than anything (it isn't anything dodgy and the company is a household name internationally). The base is half what he usually would be on and from a pure numbers perspective he felt he had failed completely.

Before he received the offers, DH was redundant for about a year. He worked abroad before the pandemic and after the pandemic the company was taken over by another company and brought in all their own people at C-level and so DH couldn't stay. During his year of redundancy he worked in a contracting role (less well paid than both job offers) whilst looking for his appropriate position. It is not easy to find DH's role in the UK at the salary he was being paid abroad.

Given the redundancy, the contracting role and then choosing the wrong job, DH has been feeling really awful about himself and that he's not doing well career-wise.

Yesterday, he received information on what his bonus is for this year (it is the first full year he has worked in this role) and so the first real picture of the bonus. We've both realised how tricky it is to plan life around an unknown bonus and have been waiting for clarity with this year's bonus. And it is shockingly low. DH feels awful. I don't want to say anything negative to him at all and add to how he is feeling. Previous to today we really would be very joint in all conversations including his work and he would consider my opinions equally. Also previously to today, we have been weighing up another job offer but even though it's well paid, it's abroad (UAE) and we aren't feeling very keen about uprooting our young and growing family away from our "village" so far away. My immediate feelings to the bonus are quite crestfallen and also nervous re.finances and would like for DH to job hunt and find something more in line with what he was used to before the redundancy. But it will take A LOT of effort and being on the ball. DH's reaction is to double down on the UAE job offer as he thinks it's now the only way he can recoup all the losses of the past few years.

I want to tell him that he needs to start looking, and looking really seriously, for a UK based role. Neither of us really want to move abroad. If that was me, and it was my job, that's what I would do. But DH feels like he isn't going to get better than the UAE role. The problem here is that, it isn't me looking for a job for myself. I need to be the emotional support whilst he is feeling rubbish and nervous, but I also feel the same. But I don't feel like I can really express that because I think it would just make DH feel even worse about himself. And yes, I can of course go back to work myself (and I don't plan on being a SAHM always) but we are both very happy with me looking after DC for now.

I suppose my question is, how do I be supportive and encourage DH that we need to look harder in the UK, express that we can't live in limbo like we have been because we're pinning too much on an unknown without making him feel even worse.

Sorry this is so unbelievably long. I think I'm part using MN to express my own anxiety but hoping for any advice to how to be more supportive. I feel like we've both messed up and DH's once sparkling career has been really destroyed by a bunch of bad decisions over the last few years. This is something he himself feels but I try not to say I agree because he feels so terrible about how far down a snake he's fallen.

I've never had a job where bonuses were a thing, but it sounds a bit like an abusive relationship - we'll pay you something, if we think you are good enough, but won't tell you how much until we do...

@Fableana The professional jobs thing - because of AI?

Honestly OP your DH needs to develop a bit more resilience if he has a big corporate job.

Throwing his toys out of the pram and refusing to come into the office when mandated - when he doesn't have childcare issues- are not going to help him at all. Nor is putting all his efforts into applying for a job in a country his DW doesn't want to go to.

I would suggest to him that he calms down and has a frank discussion with his boss where he keeps calm and asks questions about his future with the company and future bonuses.

Bid trad wifey? She’s a housewife, earns nothing and isn’t looking for a job. Shes in a trad wife role right now. He’s the only earner,so yes he gets to say where they go. She’s passively acquiesced control to him. Which means he decides where they go,he is the earner she’s not got any financial leverage

Surely you work for a salary that is ample and then any bonus is just that: a bonus. That’s what me and DH do!

I will say something contrary to the consensus and from a perspective of 20 years + marriage and being in exactly in your situation once. You need to stop managing your husband's career. I once stopped my husband from taking a job abroad because I didn't want to relocate and just like you, I felt his CV was good enough for him to stay put and do the job hunting. I was wrong. My interference led him losing out on a great career move and we all (including children) suffered financially as a result. Lack of career progression made my husband's mental health suffer which led to troubles in our marriage. If you want to support your husband I would say follow his lead and go to the UAE. It has a large expatriate community and your daughter is too young to start thinking about schools

Amused by so many posters menz and women alike bestowing pity on the poor dh. The base salary allows them to be comfortable AND save and even put a child in private school. This is solely about 'jam' and ego. Folk love a chance to tell a sahm to get out to work though. 😂

I agree that you should go back to work at least part time OP. Your DH sounds like he's under significant pressure. Outwardly he might convey that he's happy to support your decision to be a SAHM but you do seem a bit ignorant of the potential financial ramifications of being one.
I only felt extremely sorry for your DH after reading your post till the end. He's included you in everything and being hugely supportive of you. Time for you to do the same.

Understood re childcare also and earning potential. But you could at least try OP. Your husband sounds like he's under huge pressure.

As soon as I read 'SAHM' in your OP I knew that's what most posters would zero in on. In your case, it sounds like you returning (or not) to work isn't actually the priority here.

I'm going to go to do the other MN classic and say that he seems to have a lot of narcissistic traits! Seriously. Expects great success and validation, throws his toys out of the pram when he doesn't get it, insecure underneath all that... I'm not sure what the way out of this is, especially when he is so against therapy. I saw a PP suggested framing it as career coaching, which might be a good shout. I do also think there's something in the mid-career stuff - it is a difficult time for people who value progression and status.

Sounds like he/both of you could benefit from some serious soul searching about what his/your actual goals are - and, crucially, whether they align.

Good luck OP, this is a tricky situation.

He is ego and status driven, not results driven. That’s not desirable in an employee.

He is derailed by an alteration in expectations, even if it doesn’t really affect his lifestyle.

He throws his toys out of the pram and sulks, refusing to cooperate and work hard once things don’t go his way.

He’s prepared to uproot his entire young family to the Middle East to chase a financial massage for his ego.

He doesn’t believe anyone could know something he didn’t already know (therapist) and therefore thinks support from external sources is fluffy and pointless. This is an alarming level of arrogance.

He is inflexible. He is 0-100 with perceived slights or ‘disasters’.

I would also be feeling very anxious about a life with this man. I would also go back to work and stay in the UK.

The pressure is self-inflicted due to his internal ideas about achievement.

Being the primary breadwinner is exaggerated on MN - single mothers do it without making half the fuss.

DH isn’t saying he needs op to go back to work he’s saying he wants to go to UAE.

I cannot believe how many posters think taking the UAE job is the right decision for a family with a young child with a health condition. What happens if the company health package declines to cover it? The money DH makes could easily end up going on medical bills. In the OP's position I would refuse to go to UAE. It is to be hoped that the bureaucracy associated with the UAE job takes a long time and DH comes to his senses before it is too late for his marriage.

She literally said she earns a lot less!

In any case it's not bollocks. I was trying to give reflection of how he may be feeling. I would feel like that too having done similar sorts of jobs.
Doesn't mean I could not or would not stay at home if that made sense. But it would be a bitter blow to my personal sense of self

Well not really.

We've been told the poor bonus was down to team performance.

Who expects that kind of bonus to regularly payout to the point they 'expect' it / or doesn't track the team performance so is surprised to find out they've not performed?

OK, I think it’s time for a bit of tough love here. He’s being childish and immature and you need to have a frank discussion about what’s going on.

Whether or not you do end up going to UAE you need to be clear that “giving up” and becoming petulant at the first sign of disappointment (or criticism) is unacceptable. What happens if/when he does it again when you’ve moved the family to a new country with no support network? Especially in an environment where he will be an expat and the corporate culture can be very different.

I get that he’s upset/disappointed/stung by the bonus situation but all this is saying to everyone around him is that he’s not ready for the level of seniority he wants.

“You are behaving like a child” (I’d be tempted to use another choice word) might be very but it sounds like nothing else is cutting through.

I think that your DH might be happy if you cast less doubt on the UAE job.

Would it not restore his confidence and allow him to enter the UK market in two or three years time, from a much improved standpoint ?
He has taken a couple of tumbles down the career ladder and needs that immediate boost to take the pressure off him I think. He knows he can handle that UAE job, but he knows you don’t want to consider it. If you were more interest and enthusiastic about it OP, might he also show more a keen inclination do you think ?

The current job seems to be damaging his self esteem. It’s so hard to look for a new job at that level you describe, from a depressed place.
And as you rightly say, it’s futile to take a part time job simply to pay for child care when your priority is to be with your child and when it isn’t really a money problem anyway.
You could be with your child discovering and learning in a different part of the world, and hopefully could keep your home in the UK. You could also use that time to improve your own career prospects ready for when you return when DC are in school.

I think it’s worth taking a closer, more positive look at that overseas option before ruling it out.

I know of no overseas postings at senior level which don't include healthcare. UAE has excellent private provision in particular. Could be better than NHS IMHO

By all means don't go to UAE but make it for sensible reasons

A health condition that “does not need any special support or care”. There are hospitals abroad. DH will get health insurance as part of his package.

I think that’s easy to say and obviously it would be better if one’s ego wasn’t so explicitly wrapped up in one’s job title but if it is…. It is. It’s hard to unpick a lifetime of hanging your hat on your career success. As a society we have applauded successful (aka rich) men and beautiful women and for some people that is totally ingrained in who they are.

it doesn’t sound like OPs DP will be that receptive to challenging those beliefs he holds about his self worth… although I agree that he definitely should.

Interestingly, whilst beautiful women almost always have to deal with the ‘fall from grace’ that comes with getting old, successful men can be successful until they retire (or never retire at all) so it’s a slightly different issue.

These things are always really hard, especially when you have young dc. When our dc were preschoolers, my exH had to work 4 days a week for a few months so that the company he worked for could survive. It was tough, it always is, especially when your household has 1 wage earner. I was a SAHM, too. We just cut back even more and we got through it.

'This is probably the first time in his life that DH has "failed" and he's taken it really badly. He was straight As, Oxbridge, prestigious companies etc. and is not dealing with a setback with confidence.' All this is, is ego. He must put it aside; it is not important. What is important is that you both stay calm and keep looking. Something will come up for him that will be right for you all.

@gollyimholly I'm in a similar situation to you being a soon to be SAHM with young DC and high earning DH. I'm also an anxious perfectionist so can relate partially though I do think men often base so much of their identity on career so can't fully relate to that.

I think you sound like a lovely, supportive wife who is voicing how you feel here because you care a lot about not saying the wrong thing to your DH. No idea why others are misreading that. Anyway, my advice is to encourage your husband to speak to someone he sees as a mentor type figure. Maybe an older guy who he's worked with or respects in the sector. Cam they grab a drink and can he chat through his prospects? He can phrase it as deliberating his next career move and wants this guys advice. That's the only way my DH ever takes any help anyway 😁 would that be an option?

It sounds like you can’t afford your current lifestyle on his current salary and that’s creating lots of pressure on him. Bonuses are discretionary and not guaranteed, and based on your post he doesn’t seem to have done brilliantly this year anyway, so perhaps the low bonus is an accurate reflection of his performance.

From a practical perspective you have 3 options I think:

1. If UAE is out of the question for you, you need to tell him and explore him moving there without you and DC.
2. If you insist on all remaining in UK with you as a SAHM you will need to explore downsizing your life so his salary (excluding bonuses) can cover you.
3. If you want to remain in UK and not downsize you need to get a job to contribute.

A PP mentioned that it sounds like your DH doesn’t have the personality/confidence to compete for big bonuses in his current job. It also sounds like you both need to accept that you made the wrong choice on which job he picked when he had the option. If he is depressed encourage him to seek professional help. Even as you offer emotional support the only practical and impactful thing you can do to take the pressure off him is move to UAE, get a job or downsize.

And as @InNeedofAdvice1234 said - if future try not over interfere/influence in his job decisions. One of my biggest regrets is listening to my then partner on which job to take. As soon as I started I knew it was a mistake and (rightly or wrongly) resented him for pushing it, but I’m also still angry with myself for not trusting my gut. Good luck whatever you decide x

Moving abroad is like having another child- anyone gets a veto and that's the final answer. It's that simple.

I don't mean this rudely so sorry to be blunt, but he needs to.put his ego down about being a high flyer and focus on the big picture - you're a young family and that comes first. When he looks back on his life at retirement he will have the perspective that this is a moment in time.

The right thing will come along if je keeps looking but he needs to keep on top if his mental health and stay positive rather than feeling defeated and thinkingnits a fair solution to move you all round the world for the sake of him having a better job. Its a job, it's there to support his family. His family is better supported in the UK, ergo he needs to work in the UK. It might not be the career of his dreams at the moment but are chose a family and that comes first. He isn't a single man who can follow the money round the world.

Oh goodness OP. I read your other posts and was coming on to say that my DH is similar (a high achieving perfectionist who has recently found himself being overtaken by younger guys and has found this really difficult). But my DH would never behave like this. He's taking a really risky (not to mention childish) approach here. I hope you manage to talk some sense into him.

This. Also, when I worked in the UAE (some time ago, so it’s possible this has changed), it was generally regarded as somewhere for the second-rate in their field, people who couldn’t cut it in their home countries. So not necessarily easy to come back from.