How to navigate bad bonus with DH

[gollyimholly]

Sorry for such a long post, but I am hoping it is relevant context. Also sorry if this is more relevant in the money section but my question really is on how to navigate emotions more than anything.

I am a SAHM (our only DC is nearly 2 years old). Before DC was born, I was not planning on being a SAHM but maternity leave was stressful due to DC being in a hospital (with a particular illness she has but is generally ok now thankfully ie. she does not need any special support or care) and I am a far more anxious person than I realised. Neither DH nor I felt happy about daycare and I realised even after finding the perfect nanny, I just couldn't bring myself to leave DC. DH was very supportive of whichever I chose in terms of returning to work or staying with DC. I was very grateful to be able to stay home with DC and still am. Since being married (5 years this year), DH and I have shared finances completely and so it didn't feel like that much was going to be different for me.

However, whilst I was pregnant, DH had two job offers. We both jointly chose the job he went with but ultimately it was the wrong decision. It was the wrong decision for two reasons:

• it isn't the job DH has always worked in but a role that uses his skills instead (eg. surgeon moves into a company to advise on medical decisions) and so because it was so different to what his usual day at the office was he struggled to feel useful or someone that had any gravitas or importance.
• its earning potential is based on bonuses more than anything (it isn't anything dodgy and the company is a household name internationally). The base is half what he usually would be on and from a pure numbers perspective he felt he had failed completely.

Before he received the offers, DH was redundant for about a year. He worked abroad before the pandemic and after the pandemic the company was taken over by another company and brought in all their own people at C-level and so DH couldn't stay. During his year of redundancy he worked in a contracting role (less well paid than both job offers) whilst looking for his appropriate position. It is not easy to find DH's role in the UK at the salary he was being paid abroad.

Given the redundancy, the contracting role and then choosing the wrong job, DH has been feeling really awful about himself and that he's not doing well career-wise.

Yesterday, he received information on what his bonus is for this year (it is the first full year he has worked in this role) and so the first real picture of the bonus. We've both realised how tricky it is to plan life around an unknown bonus and have been waiting for clarity with this year's bonus. And it is shockingly low. DH feels awful. I don't want to say anything negative to him at all and add to how he is feeling. Previous to today we really would be very joint in all conversations including his work and he would consider my opinions equally. Also previously to today, we have been weighing up another job offer but even though it's well paid, it's abroad (UAE) and we aren't feeling very keen about uprooting our young and growing family away from our "village" so far away. My immediate feelings to the bonus are quite crestfallen and also nervous re.finances and would like for DH to job hunt and find something more in line with what he was used to before the redundancy. But it will take A LOT of effort and being on the ball. DH's reaction is to double down on the UAE job offer as he thinks it's now the only way he can recoup all the losses of the past few years.

I want to tell him that he needs to start looking, and looking really seriously, for a UK based role. Neither of us really want to move abroad. If that was me, and it was my job, that's what I would do. But DH feels like he isn't going to get better than the UAE role. The problem here is that, it isn't me looking for a job for myself. I need to be the emotional support whilst he is feeling rubbish and nervous, but I also feel the same. But I don't feel like I can really express that because I think it would just make DH feel even worse about himself. And yes, I can of course go back to work myself (and I don't plan on being a SAHM always) but we are both very happy with me looking after DC for now.

I suppose my question is, how do I be supportive and encourage DH that we need to look harder in the UK, express that we can't live in limbo like we have been because we're pinning too much on an unknown without making him feel even worse.

Sorry this is so unbelievably long. I think I'm part using MN to express my own anxiety but hoping for any advice to how to be more supportive. I feel like we've both messed up and DH's once sparkling career has been really destroyed by a bunch of bad decisions over the last few years. This is something he himself feels but I try not to say I agree because he feels so terrible about how far down a snake he's fallen.

Personally I'd take the UAE job. Your DH has been through a miserable time, is the sole earner, might have a terrible time finding something else, which might crush his self esteem, and has an opportunity now to recoup all of that. What an unusual opportunity to have.

Take the leap OP I really would. You can put a time limit on it of X years with an agreement to head back after that. You can stay at home with your LO, he will feel empowered, you'll have decent money coming in. Your LO is the perfect age to go.

Otherwise he might be unemployed a long time, poor self esteem, you have to go back to full time work way earlier than you wanted and might even need to be primary breadwinner for a while, etc.

The man isn’t out of work, it’s his own anxiety that’s the issue, not his actual job situation - he is blowing a few less than stellar career years out of proportion.

I agree it would be better for both the OP’s mental health and their practical situation if she went back to work, but she cannot fix his mental health issues for him - and she needs to drop the idea that she can.

I agree with this.

I feel very sorry for your DH - he's had a huge burden of responsibility on him and now he's staring perceived failure straight in the face and probably not thinking straight. You've expressed very clearly the level of anxiety you have and how you've become a SAHM to cope with this. What are you prepared to change to help him cope with how he's feeling now? He really could do with talking this through with a neutral party (career coach, therapist, financial advisor etc) as with the best will in the world OP he will be picking up how you feel about this. You should never rely on bonuses to keep your family afloat if you can't cope with the level of uncertainty that comes with it. The job market in the UK at the moment is not great and applying for senior times takes up enormous amounts of time and energy which tends to be in very short supply if you are feeling very stressed in your current role.

Gosh I don’t agree at all.

Nothing wrong with going to the UAE if everyone wants to.

But it won’t solve either the OP or her husband’s growing mental health issues.

She’d be better going back to work PT, and he’d be better getting a contracting job for now, and starting with a career coach to land a good long term role - once everyone is in a better place then if that’s in the UEA then Ok, but right now it’s just a sticking plaster over quite deep issues - the OP’s husband needs to sort out his ‘master of the universe’ issues, and she needs to stop taking on his anxiety on top of her own, I think a PT job will help her with perspective. Being an ex pat SAHP can be very isolating indeed.

You need a part time job . So that is the other income you are working around and not having to think about the bonus.
When it does arrive anything is a positive at that point. .
No you are not moving away and tell dh you will support in a job search in the UK

I’d agree with PP that you just have to say that UEA isn’t an option

I don’t think OP can say that. No-one woman here would take kindly to a man vetoing a job offer abroad they were keen to take.

If DH doesn’t take it and he struggles to find something here and this impacts his career further - it will be on OP.

Agree...I know a couple of Oxbridge very high achievers who both are perfectionists and had virtual breakdowns when they hit career roadblocks. Not meaning that to be a criticism of Oxbridge achievement at all -only that managing failure doesn't seem to be a skill amongst a lot of high achievers.

I know he should put this in perspective but I don't think his mental resilience/health around this will allow him to hence UAE sounds by far the best shot for you all.

This.

It sounds like DH is on more than £100k given no help with childcare, which isn't territory where OP needs to rush back to work - and with childcare costs it might not make a difference to family financials anyway.

This sounds like a perceived failure by DH's standards more than anything else.

I think you can be firm that you're not going to the UAE, and does your budget stretch to some career counselling or coaching as that might help him get some clarity around his options. And he should start reaching out to recruiters and be really candid about what he thinks about his current role and what he wants to get back to from his previous roles. He might find the UAE is his only option, but at least you'll both have all of the facts on the table to make that decision.

So you both think she shouldn’t work. She continue to contribute zero financially whilst he carries the whole responsibility of sole earner? Be a passive observer whilst posting on mn as opposed to actually doing something. They’re partners she’s supposed to support. You know,like do something.
yes,childcare costs, that’s how it goes. Her wage will rise, she’ll be contributing and over time when child at school they arrange wrap round childcare.

Given that his anxieties are around his current job, it may well solve the problem.

A PT job income will likely be neutralised by childcare costs.

Well very few women with young DCs and a SAHP would be unilaterally pushing for a move to a ME country, purely because it was the best thing ( in their mind) for their career.

I’m a bit older than you and also have problems feeling accomplished/financially secure. The scarcity mentality can be dangerous though and can ultimately become self-fulfilling.

When my DH was in a similar crisis of confidence, he hired an executive coach… he felt his boss hated him. The next year he got a record bonus. That hasn’t fixed my DH’s underlying inferiority complex and I wish he’d also had therapy but a coach is better than nothing.
I would also caution against expecting to pay for private school out of your salaries. You need to have an investment plan for the lifestyle you want AND as a safety net as I honestly believe the professional class jobs will not be there beyond the next decade if that… So in your shoes, I’d empower myself and study as much about investing as I could. You could even train to be an IFA and then just use the knowledge for your family if you feel too anxious to do it for others. That will give you some sense of control without having to give up precious time with your family. In fact it may ultimately allow both of you to have more time.

I would also highly recommend you read Let Them by Mel Robbins.

Oh guys, I am feeling so nervous. I still haven't read all the replies but just messaging here to update that DH said he will be doing the bare minimum at work now and not go in and WFH to prioritise the UAE admin. It's not that much admin. Work want him to go in a minimum of 3 days a week, and he has said he won't. This is what DH does when he gets annoyed by something/someone at work. It's so stressful.

Also, although the UAE job has been offered, he still needs to do stuff like healthy checks etc for them, have also read this particular company have form for completely ghosting applicants with no reason. I just feel like if he's giving up on work here and all his eggs are now in the UAE basket, it's such a risky move.

And yes 100% I can go back to work. I suppose there was no financial reason for me to go back urgently. Even though it would be prudent for my own career, my heart wasn't in it and it felt DH was stable enough. But this is just making me feel panicked.

This really is why career needs to be guided by the person in the career, not their spouse. I don’t believe I have ever told DP what to do job wise and never will. It sounds like you feel you have some responsibility towards the job he chose and so you feel guilt - that’s understandable. I wouldn’t be telling him what he should do next, I’d be trying to find work myself.

From your OP, you sound like a loving, intelligent, supportive partner to him.

I would sit down with him and say it is vital that he doesn't feel he has failed at this role. You both thought it would be the best offer and it didn't work out. You have no way of knowing if the other offer would have been any better. It's important that he doesn't make a decision based on pressure. I would have zero desire to move to UAE. I would far rather take a steep dip in income and go back to work. Remind him he is a valuable, talented, experienced man and ask what his ideal would be, not just in terms of salary but quality of life. How tough would life be if he was out there alone, or you were there trapped and bored? Discuss how far from that ideal the UAE offer is.

Look at all options - moving to a slightly cheaper area, you taking a part time job, or working for yourself, from home, even a couple of hours a day, if you have professional expertise, could bring in a healthy top up of money. He could also contact companies that specialise in his field, on spec. I know a few people who got good jobs by asking if there were vacancies before any were advertised. It shows initiative.

If you are prepared to move to UAE, then he can look widely throughout UK, USA and Europe for jobs in this field, too.

Any child costs aren’t solely her responsibility from her wage. It’s a shared cost.
it’s a nonsense to say don’t work because your wage is the childcare cost
She need to work for herself too,her wellbeing,her security too

while his wife stodges about at home

That sort of remark is uncalled for.

it isn't the job DH has always worked in but a role that uses his skills instead (eg. surgeon moves into a company to advise on medical decisions) and so because it was so different to what his usual day at the office was he struggled to feel useful or someone that had any gravitas or importance.

In addition to the whole "high-achiever failure" thing I also think this bit is crucial. For a lot of people around your husband's age, career progression entails stopping doing the thing you actually love doing, and moving into managing other people doing it. Then instead of getting your validation from putting your best skillset to use every day, you're caught in the rat race of getting your validation from status and job title, because you no longer get to use your skillset and you don't enjoy your day-to-day work any more. DP and I have both decided in our separate industries that there's a level of promotion we're actively trying to avoid, despite the higher salary, because it would make our day-to-day jobs much less enjoyable.

I don't know what industry your husband is in but he also needs to be reminded that career progression isn't necessarily linear and doesn't have to follow a set corporate ladder. There are all sorts of interesting and well-paid jobs that focus on actually using your skillset around the edges of every industry. There are sideways moves, there are total pivots, there are ups and downs. Like I said earlier, he's a smart man. He has transferrable skills. He should remember that even in middle age, the world is still his oyster, to an extent.

This generalisation is meaningless. Some women with young children are offered jobs abroad, some take them.

MN is full of people who can’t contemplate leaving their village.

Then he’s a total fool. Because his mindset is going to destroy him. It’s very, very unhealthy.

I understand what you are saying, but his career impacts his family and his wife's life. Moving the family to UAE without consulting your spouse is a bit trad-wifey, don't you think? This sort of decision must be agreed by all the people it will affect. I'd be running in the opposite direction. I'm all for adventure but I'd foresee a life of misery in UAE.

DH said he will be doing the bare minimum at work now and not go in and WFH to prioritise the UAE admin. It's not that much admin. Work want him to go in a minimum of 3 days a week, and he has said he won't. This is what DH does when he gets annoyed by something/someone at work. It's so stressful.

His ego needs addressing as a matter of urgency.

It’s not about being her responsibility merely that what she brings in is cancelled out.

You’re talking as if she’s a permanent SAHM, whereas she’s just taking time out when her kid is small.

That’s not a good development, his doubling down on WFH.