How to navigate bad bonus with DH

[gollyimholly]

Sorry for such a long post, but I am hoping it is relevant context. Also sorry if this is more relevant in the money section but my question really is on how to navigate emotions more than anything.

I am a SAHM (our only DC is nearly 2 years old). Before DC was born, I was not planning on being a SAHM but maternity leave was stressful due to DC being in a hospital (with a particular illness she has but is generally ok now thankfully ie. she does not need any special support or care) and I am a far more anxious person than I realised. Neither DH nor I felt happy about daycare and I realised even after finding the perfect nanny, I just couldn't bring myself to leave DC. DH was very supportive of whichever I chose in terms of returning to work or staying with DC. I was very grateful to be able to stay home with DC and still am. Since being married (5 years this year), DH and I have shared finances completely and so it didn't feel like that much was going to be different for me.

However, whilst I was pregnant, DH had two job offers. We both jointly chose the job he went with but ultimately it was the wrong decision. It was the wrong decision for two reasons:

• it isn't the job DH has always worked in but a role that uses his skills instead (eg. surgeon moves into a company to advise on medical decisions) and so because it was so different to what his usual day at the office was he struggled to feel useful or someone that had any gravitas or importance.
• its earning potential is based on bonuses more than anything (it isn't anything dodgy and the company is a household name internationally). The base is half what he usually would be on and from a pure numbers perspective he felt he had failed completely.

Before he received the offers, DH was redundant for about a year. He worked abroad before the pandemic and after the pandemic the company was taken over by another company and brought in all their own people at C-level and so DH couldn't stay. During his year of redundancy he worked in a contracting role (less well paid than both job offers) whilst looking for his appropriate position. It is not easy to find DH's role in the UK at the salary he was being paid abroad.

Given the redundancy, the contracting role and then choosing the wrong job, DH has been feeling really awful about himself and that he's not doing well career-wise.

Yesterday, he received information on what his bonus is for this year (it is the first full year he has worked in this role) and so the first real picture of the bonus. We've both realised how tricky it is to plan life around an unknown bonus and have been waiting for clarity with this year's bonus. And it is shockingly low. DH feels awful. I don't want to say anything negative to him at all and add to how he is feeling. Previous to today we really would be very joint in all conversations including his work and he would consider my opinions equally. Also previously to today, we have been weighing up another job offer but even though it's well paid, it's abroad (UAE) and we aren't feeling very keen about uprooting our young and growing family away from our "village" so far away. My immediate feelings to the bonus are quite crestfallen and also nervous re.finances and would like for DH to job hunt and find something more in line with what he was used to before the redundancy. But it will take A LOT of effort and being on the ball. DH's reaction is to double down on the UAE job offer as he thinks it's now the only way he can recoup all the losses of the past few years.

I want to tell him that he needs to start looking, and looking really seriously, for a UK based role. Neither of us really want to move abroad. If that was me, and it was my job, that's what I would do. But DH feels like he isn't going to get better than the UAE role. The problem here is that, it isn't me looking for a job for myself. I need to be the emotional support whilst he is feeling rubbish and nervous, but I also feel the same. But I don't feel like I can really express that because I think it would just make DH feel even worse about himself. And yes, I can of course go back to work myself (and I don't plan on being a SAHM always) but we are both very happy with me looking after DC for now.

I suppose my question is, how do I be supportive and encourage DH that we need to look harder in the UK, express that we can't live in limbo like we have been because we're pinning too much on an unknown without making him feel even worse.

Sorry this is so unbelievably long. I think I'm part using MN to express my own anxiety but hoping for any advice to how to be more supportive. I feel like we've both messed up and DH's once sparkling career has been really destroyed by a bunch of bad decisions over the last few years. This is something he himself feels but I try not to say I agree because he feels so terrible about how far down a snake he's fallen.

This sounds a lot like DH...

It sounds like, even aside from the bad bonus, you have enough to live comfortably.

I think this needs reframing. The higher salary abroad involves sacrifices that (for our family) is certainly not worth it. It involves costs that have to be offset.

It sounds like DH earns a very good salary for the UK and his aspirations may not be realistic for the UK market. Is he in touch with university friends working in the UK?

I have very little sympathy with whole families uprooting for the father's job. It happened in my childhood and really affected my ability to reach my potential (along with my siblings).

Yes, I agree with this.

The manager should have broken the news to him gently and said, "I'm sorry, this is so shit. I know it's not at all what I led you to expect when I recruited you for this role and I can only apologise for that."

Offering him a chocolate is so infantilising.

Stop faffing about having "an identity crisis" and find a job if it's that bad. Despite all the "we", it's your DH who is shouldering the entire burden here.

I suspect though that the despite being apparently disappointing, the bonus is actually huge by most people's standards and this is all a bit navel-gazey.

Sorry I missed this earlier.

I do appreciate how I sound, but I promise I am only involved in things where asked. DH is not on any social media bar linkedin and so he does ask lots about it. And he's asked me for opinions on his CV with all his applications.

DH does live, breathe, eat his career. It really is his whole life - I know it sounds sad but he assures me that's what it's like in his field and I only know as much as I do because if he isn't talking about us/family, he's talking about work. In other words, to be interested in DH is to be interested in what he does.

The job market is brutal at the minute, particularly at the more senior levels. Your DH has done well to be in a permanent position at this point in time, although the bonus situation sucks. It feels like he needs to accept the reality of his position and stop seeking unicorn jobs. If he wants a new job in the UK, he needs to get over himself and update his CV on LinkedIn, and stop regretting decisions made with the best information at the time.

I would never move a family to UAE or anywhere like that, so if that's a red line you need to tell him.

Presumably any bonus he earned would have been heavily taxed so at best worth only half to take home. Therefore it does make sense for you to try to find some paid work, particularly now as you will be starting to get free childcare hours (I think).

Also as a family consider your lifestyle, see where you can cut back on.

Then it’s a ‘part of their ego’ that needs to be rooted out sharpish.🙄

But how?

I might read parts of this thread to DH later tonight. The parts about high achievers and it happening often in his stage of career. I think it will give him food for thought and make him feel like it isn't him that's tripped up but just a common thing that happens around now and it will hopefully make him feel better.

With respect to the UAE, I've said I'd like to also work while out there as we may as well make use of make money tax free. But I appreciate my anxieties won't go away overnight. We would prefer to move with DH rather than he go away by himself. When I use the word "we" it's because we've both had conversations about it and I'm not speaking for him.

And lastly one of the other concerns about moving away is even though DD was generally given the OK,.she does still have check ups at a specialist hospital - it's currently every 3 months and we will know soon if they will change it to every 6 months. The hospital is a specialist for a rare disease she became unwell with and even though she is fine now it is reassuring to live near the hospital if ever it flares up again (which we have been told is incredibly rare). DH also feels nervous about UAE for this reason and he is only doubling down on going to the UAE after yesterday's bonus news. The reason for explaining is that some have said how ego centric he is and I just wanted to say that he does try and carefully consider all aspects

It's hard to give up the trappings of success. When you're senior you are treated well, there's lots of perks and you get recognised externally as well many times.
Honestly if the UAE job is good seriously consider it. These can be lucrative affairs and quite enriching for kids. I did a few years abroad with my DC and I don't regret it for a minute. Yes expat life is a bit surreal but is also a way to explore the world with funds !

This is a really important point.

I have the kind of job where I could probably triple my salary by moving to Dubai. Every now and then my husband suggests it and jokes that he'd like to be a SAHD.

But where we live now (not in the UK but in a pretty similar country) my children have a great quality of life, wonderful (state) school, amazing opportunities and close relationship with their grandparents. I wouldn't want to put a price on those things.

So your DH has gone through the trajectory of A*'s, Oxbridge, getting a good job, then an expat posting (plus salary and recognition that comes with that)... then is hit by the pandemic, a return home after redundancy, a bit of contracting, and just 2 offers in a year, both less prestigious and now he's been shafted on bonus. No wonder he's feeling like he failed - he hasn't by the way - but I can see why his head goes there. And its actually not that uncommon.

I'd also suggest a career coach, but instead of focusing on getting him a new job now, pitch it as where he wants to be in 10 years. Get his head out of the need to immediately solve the problem of the bad bonus, and looking at where he wants to be in the future. This inevitably leads back to what he needs to do next but its a different starting point and one he might be more open to involving outside help with.

Just as a side note - back in the UK he's very unlikely to get the status of his previous overseas job, its as much financial as it is cultural and one of the reasons you get so many serial expats, they don't want to give it up. So if that status is important to him, then you need to be clear on your own priorities and if you would consider any overseas options. Doesn't have to be UAE, and in fact could be there are none you would consider, but I suggest you are clear on your own views.

I don't think it's realistic to "root this out ". This is probably shaking his very identity to the core. He was the one who was successful, able to provide, nothing holding him back. Having a long career being successful and "able to do things" means that it's very much embedded in your identity as a person.
The fact is men don't have the babies, women do. So they are not mothers and don't have that massive shift that we do when we have kids. Of course they can and do become devoted fathers but the fundemtal point is that for 40 plus hours a week, almost 50pc of his awake time .. he is who he is at work. That's a lot to give up overnight. When as a family you both decided that he would provide and you would stay at home.
Just telling him to check his ego at the door won't, IMHO, result in anything positive

I agree with the sentiment here - being a SAHM is work, no doubt, but it doesn’t bring in an income and if you need more income then that’s the answer. I’d be slightly irritated if my DP stayed at home but then commented on my bad career decisions leading to financial instability.

The level of expectation of... having a job?

You need to go to work, OP. It's not about earning loads more than childcare, your child will go to school in 2 and a half years. The longer you're out of work the harder it will be to get back into it. Psychologically if you are bringing something to the table it's less stressful because you are not reliant on just one person.

You sound happy to comment and critique your DH and not very inclined to pull your finger out.

UAE may bring a lot of money in the short term, but presumably none of you want to live there long term. High salaries and titles out there do not readily translate in the UK market and do you really want your DC growing up there rather than attending play groups, nursery and school in the UK?

My DH’s sense of self worth is closely tied to professional success too. There’s no reasoning with them is there?!?

I would go to UAE for a few years - it’ll be an adventure - and you can always go with the plan of returning for lovely private school.

I would suggest he stays put whilst looking for something new. Knowing that he is going to be leaving should cheer him up. It's very freeing. If the UAE isn't for you say so. My partner worked overseas for years but on 4week on/4 week off contracts. That worked for us. I like the freedom. Is that an option? If not he needs to UK job hunt with vim and vigour.

Your husband needs resilience. If he wants to be a high achiever for any longer he will needs lots of it.
IMO in the workplace it's more important than intelligence, credentials and even hard-work. You need to be able to own up to your mistakes and then be strong enough to strategies on how to come back from them, then act.
If you're focused on your ego, you'll never have this sort of resilience.
There was a post here another way asking whether resilience can be taught. I don't know.... but it's worth for him to think about.

Have you actually bothered to read the op's posts? All of them I mean, not just the first one? Because your comments are pretty unfair.

He feels he is surrounded by high achievers all younger than him and all doing better than him and I wish he wouldn't compare himself so harshly.

This is going to sound blunt, but he needs to get over this because, as he gets older, it will keep happening. Absolutely you should be supportive, OP, but that shouldn't mean you have to tiptoe around your husband's ego.

You have enough money to live comfortably on your husband's base pay alone. The majority of people would give their eye-teeth to be in that position. He's not happy in his job, he's not fulfilling his potential - again, this is a very common position to be in. He needs to get over all this nonsense about his job not sounding prestigious enough on LinkedIn, stop navel-gazing and start looking for a new role that doesn't uproot your family if that isn't what you both want.

I am struggling to sympathise with him at all, if he were my DH I would be looking to give him (metaphorically) an almighty kick up the backside.

Thank you everyone, your replies are all really helpful and I really appreciate you reading my very wordy posts! I haven't had a chance to properly read the more recent ones but DD is up and so I will reply properly later in the day.

Thank you again, and I appreciate all advice and insights massively x

Similar happened to my friend. They agreed to move to shanghai for 2 years, then return. They did just that. Now they're thinking of returning there, as they got more for their money, along with a higher salary. Why don't you go just for 2 years and agree to return if one of you feels unhappy?