I just walked in on my BF asleep on his sofa with his ex

[Imaunicorndavid]

I don’t really know what to do or feel.
I’m 26, I have a 7 year old with my ex and I’ve been with my BF for 18 months. We don’t live together but we have the spare key for each others homes. He lives in a flat in central-ish London, I live a bit further out and he always tells me if I’ve been out for drinks after work I can just let myself into his. I called 2 times on my way and he didn’t answer so I assumed he was asleep/phone in another room etc. This isn’t the first time I’ve let myself in while he was sleeping and last time he was really happy that I did.
Anyway he lives with a couple, they have a small living room with a sofa but he mostly uses his room. I walked past the living room initially and realised his bed was empty and untouched so I slightly opened the living room door and there he was fast asleep, I could see there was someone else cuddled into him sleeping too, so I said his name and he sort of jumped up. When I put the light on I realised it was his ex. He was with her for 2 years but she doesn’t live in the UK.
He’s trying to tell me he just offered her his sofa while she’s visiting and they were chatting and must have fallen asleep. He claims he doesn’t remember putting his arm around her, her head was sort of resting in the nook of his arm/against his chest. He says she must have fell into him a little when she fell asleep. I then noticed her cases etc. were all in his room. He keeps saying surely if he was cheating they’d have just slept in his bed. It was only 9.30 so early to be asleep etc. It’s a large L shape sofa so no need for them to be sat right beside each other anyway.

I’ve left, he asked me not to go and to stay the night but I’m heartbroken and feel like he is cheating or was planning to.

None of my friends have answered the phone so I don’t know if I’m jumping to conclusions and his story is actually believable or if he is cheating.

What do I do? I’m devastated!

The problem with this is when both partners aren't being honest. Lying is a form of being controlling, and it's not clear whether OPs boyfriend is lying to her. Women usually start off being trusting, 'uncontrolling' and unsuspicious... Then they get lied to, have their hearts broken, their faith in men shaken, and their time wasted. And then they wise up.

I think that this might be more an issue for you going forward than an occasional visit from an ex from Italy.

They were possibly stoned and fell asleep on the sofa, fully clothed. Not sure I’d be that bothered.

Also guessed Italian. I lived in Italy in my early 20s and I'm friends with both men and women from my time there and love them dearly, and found such a different culture when it comes to relationships.

At the moment you have conflicting thoughts and feelings, what he's saying, what Mumsnet is saying etc
Trust your instincts, but to do that you need time and space to let your thoughts and feelings settle.
Have a few days break from him then talk to him again without the cloud of shock and confusion.

Here’s a question, what would have happened if you hadn’t walked in when you did? If they both woke up, realised they were cuddling in the dark and alone in the late evening? Do you think, now they’re both sleepy and oh so close, there could have been a moment? Do you think he might have said “I’m going to go to bed, you can join if you like?” Platonically of course, but it would be rude not to, right? They were already cuddling and sleeping together. This just means they can get more comfortable. And it’s just for one night, they can set the sofa up to sleep in properly the next day.

I just absolutely couldn’t trust it at all. He kept her being there from you. A woman he is close enough to that they will naturally and fall into close physical affection on the day of her arrival. He doesn’t seem that dedicated to you either way. You don’t actually talk every day, you don’t see each other every week.

Cut the losses and find someone who’ll respect you fully.

I shake my head when I think back to my youth and a couple of the boyfriends I caught in seriously compromising scenarios like this, but because I didn't exactly see him with his c0ck out or in the act of 5ex in that moment, I convinced myself of his innocence and let it ride. Until the relationship died a long drawn out death later on because of the reason spotted in that first scenario.

Ladies - learn to break up without there being a confession and full case of evidence!

As a jaded older lady, I don't know what I can do to shake you out of your excuse-making for him. I think we all need to suffer some of these relationships. Try not to marry him - that can be ugly too (unless you want an Italian passport). But as someone who knows Italians, the women are all in competition - his ex is no friend of yours. Finally, my life got much better once I became much harder about these sorts of behaviours. One strike and you're out.

ExGF isn’t anyone else.
That’s the very big point he’s missing.

Anyone except his ExGF staying in the flat share would’ve been ok.
But not if you walked in on them cuddled on the sofa.
So it’s a double no from me.

Your call. But this goes past my line.

Also agree - I always noticed there is a lot of this competitiveness going on, together with the "everything Italian is better and among Italians I'm the best" mindset.

Your BF and this ex would be discussing you behind your back, believe me.

Edited to add: I absolutely love Italians and Italy, btw. But would probably never date one ))

Probably because they fell asleep watching TV before they had a chance to move things on. Her cases in his bedroom would be the red flag for me. Unless there were bedcovers and a pillow near the sofa? He may have told himself we wouldn't cheat and didn't cheat, but had you not arrived when you did, he probably would have cheated. They were cuddled up together for goodness sake.

If there was absolutely nothing in it and they were just good friends why didn't he tell you she was coming and invite you over to meet his 'old friend' and stay the night with him, so you could see for yourself that he wasn't hiding anything?

Or he could have met up with her for a coffee and a catch up, then come straight over to yours for a couple of nights so she could have his room while she was in town. Because it just wouldn't sit well to have an ex staying at your place when you are in another relationship. There were ways around this to stop it looking bad, and he didn't take them. So it looks bad.

He might be telling the truth. He quite possibly is. But cudding up to another woman, an ex, would be a huge boundary violation for me.

This pretty heartbreaking the fact that she lives abroad and he never told you she was coming is extremely bad. Then you find them cuddling. Sorry love💔

She isn't an ex.

OP read this all back, is this really someone you see any future with, especially for you son.

I don't buy his reasoning, and tbh, i think i would feel humiliated here. Id leave them all to their bullshit.
I would not be cool about walking in to my boyfriend and his ex cuddling up together and I wouldn't be interested in being talked round.
Thats not the sort of relationship i want.

I wouldn't really care how he tried to explain himself. It would have hurt my feelings and made me feel insecure. Who needs that?

Honestly OP - do you really want someone who is still living a student type lifestyle in a flat share smoking weed with randoms sleeping on his sofa to be a potential stepfather to your son?

He doesn’t sound like you’re at the same life stage imo

He doesn't need to tell you of other friends because they are not people he has previously been in a relationship with.

Seems kind of obvious that you might have some feelings about this and he should have been mature/ sensitive enough to pre-empt that and have a conversation.

I couldn't be with someone who can't understand this or argues against it, it's just too much work. It's obvious that he should have let you know.

So, rather than this being an ex staying at the flat your boyfriend rents a bedroom in from a Iive-in-landlord couple, this is a girl visiting three of her closest lifelong friends, including one who is her best friend, and another that she used to date, who you're now seeing.

It is feasible that this was platonic touch between lifelong friends - especially if Italian. However, that is irrelevant if you are (rightly) uncomfortable with having a boyfriend that cuddles and falls asleep on the sofa with other women.

You are young. There are so many men out there. Find one that wouldn't dream of being physically close with anyone but you. Find one for whom you are the most special person in the world - not second fiddle to others you can't compete with. Decent men exist. Don't settle for the incompatible.

far too cosy with the ex both in literal terms and the messaging in my eyes. If if was me I wouldn't be continuing the relationship

I’ve met enough weed smoking chefs to be able to tell you he’s a waste of space before the snuggling with ex even came into it.

The hills are that way 👉🏻

Block and move on. Post his key back. He's not to be trusted. He really should have told you she was coming to stay. He doesn't need to ask permission but it's normal to share this kind of info. The fact he hasn't told you shows he was hoping you'd not find out. Also you could have been totally blind sided even if they hadn't been cuddling. She'd have had the upper hand knowing he'd kept it secret from you.

There is no way you fall asleep cuddling someone unless you are intimate. I'm an ex dope smoker. I didn't fall asleep cuddling anyone ever.

He’s clearly omitting details and downplaying the situation. If the roles were reversed, he wouldn’t hesitate to make a big deal out of it.

Why do we, as women, keep making excuses for this kind of behaviour? If he’s comfortable cuddling with an ex when you have full access to his place, what do you think happens when he’s away back home?

If you choose to stay, set clear boundaries and mean them.

I don't necessarily think he's cheated you but I wouldn't be happy with my partner falling asleep with his ex gf in his arms. I don't think anyone would.

You have boundaries and that's good, your idea of acceptable behaviour when in a relationship doesn't tally with his so dump him.

Come on Op. Wise up.
Don’t waste your life in this guy. He is hoodwinking you.
What advice would you give to a friend if they came to you with what you have just told us?
DUMP!

Op- you have a child. What are you getting out of this relationship and where do you see it going? - You see him sporadically

• You don't communicate properly
• He smokes weed to the point of passing out with someone who is not his partner

I can imagine having a small child and putting all of my emotional energy into my child whilst having a purely physical relationship with a guy like this, but you talk about feeling betrayed and hurt so clearly you are emotionally invested in this man. Should you be? Do you want him to be a step-father to your child? Will you ever be able to live together? If you can't see any of this happening then walk away.

For goodness sake, get some self respect. I mean, really.