I just walked in on my BF asleep on his sofa with his ex

[Imaunicorndavid]

I don’t really know what to do or feel.
I’m 26, I have a 7 year old with my ex and I’ve been with my BF for 18 months. We don’t live together but we have the spare key for each others homes. He lives in a flat in central-ish London, I live a bit further out and he always tells me if I’ve been out for drinks after work I can just let myself into his. I called 2 times on my way and he didn’t answer so I assumed he was asleep/phone in another room etc. This isn’t the first time I’ve let myself in while he was sleeping and last time he was really happy that I did.
Anyway he lives with a couple, they have a small living room with a sofa but he mostly uses his room. I walked past the living room initially and realised his bed was empty and untouched so I slightly opened the living room door and there he was fast asleep, I could see there was someone else cuddled into him sleeping too, so I said his name and he sort of jumped up. When I put the light on I realised it was his ex. He was with her for 2 years but she doesn’t live in the UK.
He’s trying to tell me he just offered her his sofa while she’s visiting and they were chatting and must have fallen asleep. He claims he doesn’t remember putting his arm around her, her head was sort of resting in the nook of his arm/against his chest. He says she must have fell into him a little when she fell asleep. I then noticed her cases etc. were all in his room. He keeps saying surely if he was cheating they’d have just slept in his bed. It was only 9.30 so early to be asleep etc. It’s a large L shape sofa so no need for them to be sat right beside each other anyway.

I’ve left, he asked me not to go and to stay the night but I’m heartbroken and feel like he is cheating or was planning to.

None of my friends have answered the phone so I don’t know if I’m jumping to conclusions and his story is actually believable or if he is cheating.

What do I do? I’m devastated!

He claims that he, his ex and the female flatmate all fell asleep, but the female flatmate got up before them. I don’t know if that’s true as I thought he couldn’t remember falling asleep.

I think it's fairly clear that the trust in this relationship has gone. You could forgive him this time, but there would always be that nagging doubt in the back of your mind. Every time he doesn't answer the phone or maybe goes home to visit "family," you'll be wondering what he's up to. Save yourself a lot of heartache and end this relationship now. Find someone who truly puts you first and doesn't go off spooning ex-girlfriends when you're not around.

As OP has said, she doesn’t mind him communicating with his ex and in the real (not MN) world, loads of people do this.

I would NEVER let anyone tell me who I can and can’t talk to. I afford my husband the same privilege (though should be seen as normal, not a privilege). He has stayed friends with all his exes.

Some of you on here are hideously controlling and really ought to take a good objective look at yourselves. No one has the right to police who someone talks to. You’re not their guardian.

OP, I think you have to take into account cultural differences and maybe give him the benefit of the doubt for now. Just keep an eye on things and see what happens. It’s good he offered to stay with you to make you feel better, but it’s very clear that you have healthy boundaries and have no interest in trying to control him. You can’t stop someone from cheating - they should want to do that all their own.

But even if he had known it probably wouldn’t have occurred to him that he needed to run it by me as he doesn’t do that with any one else and I don’t do that with him.
Needed to run it by you = implies he needs your consent. If he used those exact words then he's manipulating you.

It is common curtesy and basic respect to let someone with a key know if someone* *is staying at that house. But don't either of you discuss what is happening in your lives at all?

For me it's not that she is staying there, it's him not mentioning it. What else is he not mentioning @Imaunicorndavid ?

There’s a reason he didn’t mention her coming to stay. That alone is really grubby. But then falling asleep cuddling her is just taking the absolute piss out of you. Don’t for a minute believe that the one time you happen to drop by is the only time something like this has happened.

I wouldn’t necessarily assume they’re having sex. But I agree with a PP that there are other men out there who behave properly around their exes and won’t leave you feeling hurt, betrayed and confused.

I was aware of time line and appreciate that everything was fast moving but either way, they have a child together. And still living separately?

I apologise, I thought it was 7 months. Reading too quickly 😯

I don’t have a child with him, my child is with my ex. My son is 7 years old and I’ve been with my current boyfriend 18 months.

I think that if you don't feel you have a conventional relationship, then you don't need to overlay conventional relationship 'rules" or norms over it, and you need to listen to your gut about what you're comfortable with.

If you have a relationship where having an ex partner or a friend coming to stay on your sofa for a few days just never crops up in conversation (what do you talk about if not what's going on in your lives currently?), then I'd say it was a fairly casual affair and as such, it's up to you whether you're ok with this or not.

It sounds like you're not, it may be that you need to communicate with him about what the relationship means to both of you and find out if it's the same.

Thank you. Yes, misunderstanding on my part

Were they lying down or sitting up? Sitting up, I could see if they'd been platonically cuddling and fell asleep. Lying down, much more dodgy less friends more lovers.

I'd allow for some cultural differences, and you have a better idea what his relationship with his ex is like (tactile!) - you can discuss what is / isn't appropriate.

I think you need to think of this relationship in a bigger picture. Your bf and his ex and their mates are all from the same country and most likely will be in each others' lives for a long time. Will you be ok with it and you being the one who doesn't understand what they are/will be speaking around you most of the time? I have a feeling this will come between you two and will break you up at some point.

did you switch the BIG LIGHT on ??

Honestly, who falls asleep and doesn’t remember doing so?! Unless they were absolutely battered drunk or stoned etc..

And that’s exactly the kind of thing to pick up on.

He’s clearly lying and that’s the biggest issue here for me.

I think if he genuinely thought he’d done nothing wrong and was open/honest, but apologetic, I’d probably give him another chance. If he’s a huggy tactile man and he’s known this woman since he was 2, maybe it was just a stupid misjudgement/laziness.

By lying he’s denying you the chance to have a proper conversation and he’s destroyed trust.

Something like “We were sat to each other and she was knackered from travelling but it was too early for us all to go to sleep. She leant her head against me so I put my arm round her to make it more comfortable and I must have nodded off too. She’s like a sister to me now so I just didn’t think anything of it, but you’re right. It wasn’t the right thing to do and it won’t happen again. I completely understand why you’re upset but I promise I’d never do anything to knowingly jeopardise our relationship. I’m so sorry.”

^^No idea if any of that is true, but if it were and he was honest I think I could see my way past it with a bit of time. But the lying and faux memory loss? That’s a big fat nope from me. What else is he not telling you?!

Honestly, they were probably high. He smokes weed sometimes and his flatmates does often.

It’s a L shaped sofa, he was in the corner with his legs up on the chaise and she was sat beside him.

Blimey OP every update makes it more surprising you are bothered about salvaging this relationship.

Before I met my husband, if I ever fell asleep on a man accidentally, it was never actually accidental.

The only way I could consider that he might be telling the truth would be if he genuinely fell asleep, and then she cuddled into him. It wouldn’t have been unintentional. Perhaps she was the one that put her bags in his room. Her attitude afterwards suggests she wasn’t bothered about you.

So is your boyfriend often unbelievably naive, and genuinely didn’t realise she was making moves on him, or is he actually guilty as sin? Because I think those are the only options.

I dont even think it matters if he is cheating or not, OP. The question is: are you happy being with someone who won’t tell you their ex is staying, keeps all their stuff in his room when she stays and thinks it’s fine to fall asleep on the sofa cuddling the ex?

Even if it was totally platonic, I wouldn’t be comfortable with that and it would be a deal breaker.

For what it’s worth, I don’t buy the excuses. He’s back peddling like mad in my opinion. But I’m a cynic.

@Imaunicorndavid Would you do that? Cuddle and fall asleep with an ex?

Trust your gut reaction on this. He's crossed a boundary, and whats the point of trying to make poor excuses for his behaviour? It's not over between them. Don't be a mug.

'It’s a L shaped sofa, he was in the corner with his legs up on the chaise and she was sat beside him.'

Gah, I dunno. It absolutely could be platonic, but that doesn't mean you have to feel comfortable with him and her being comfortable behaving like that. I think it really depends on whether he is prepared to a) get why you're uncomfortable and b) have an honest conversation about how you rebuild trust.
You could call his bluff and have him stay at yours but it wouldn't resolve the issue long term if they're all mates together. Better he brings you into their circle.

Thank you. Apologies for misunderstanding on my part

Well that would do it for me anyway. Potheads are not great people to be around especially when you have kids. You might be protecting your child right now but in another year?

There are more studies coming out about weed and mh, and none of it is positive.

Whatever the ins and outs of who cuddled up to who, or whether he should have told you, he just doesn't sound worth it OP.