Dad hanging round outside bathroom *MNHQ Content warning for abuse*

[Househunter2025]

I was reading a thread that just got deleted and it's really made me think.

When I was a teenager my dad used to hang around outside the bathroom and my bedroom - I always found it really creepy but nothing else ever happened so I didn't really think it was abusive behaviour - but I always found it really creepy and couldn't stand being near him or alone with him. Never mentioned it to anyone before.

In my 40s now and it still bothers me. I'm hyper aware of my kids dad or other males on the family doing anything to them and it feels beyond all proportion. I don't think other parents have this fear.

A couple of posters on the other thread said they had experienced similar and I was about to reply but then it was deleted.

Don't know what I want from this thread really. I wouldn't mention anything to family - parents are elderly. I don't have sisters. Just want to come to terms with it and put it in perspective I guess.

When my older sister was 14 in the late 70s, a creepy guy my dad's age was quietly drawing her into the darkness on the beach where we and several other families and couple were having a camp fire. My father suddenly noticed this and charged like a bull after them, and had to be held back from beating the guy up. A lot of people - including my mother! - said Dad was exaggerating. Dad was in a rage and made us all sleep elsewhere.

Years later, the guy, when I was 14 myself, tried to get me to sit on his lap. I told him no, and that I didn't like men with beards. My mother pinched me, she was so embarrssed!

Years later, I heard rumors about him fiddling girls.

My dad was a selfish jerk, but he did protect us girls from the many predators around us.

But how are we to protect our daughters potentially from their older brothers - do we all need to be at the starting point that all males - brothers andbrothers friends, cousins, fathers, uncles, neighbours at any age (from 6 years old?) are a risk - should our daughers never be out of our sight 24/7?

Why wouldn’t you? Assault by strangers is rare. As for brothers, parents need to acknowledge that little boys of a certain age are interested in sex whether they like it or not. People on here are reporting everything in between full on rape by their brothers to experimentation. Experimentation is still extremely harmful.

Parents should also acknowledge that sexual abuse is not about sex. It’s about power and control. So if you’ve got a little boy who shows signs of enjoying being in control and a bully you need to take action. My brother was the favourite and my mother doted on him in that toxic way where he could do no wrong.

I’d be interested to hear how it was for other people who were assaulted by their brothers. I wonder if they were also the favourites and given certain privileges for being male. Because something was happening in those homes for these boys to assume they had a right to do it, and that they could get away with it.

www.salon.com/2015/01/15/the_ugly_truth_about_sexual_assault_more_men_admit_to_it_if_you_dont_call_it_rape/

I think parents just need to be vigilant of their little girls, and indeed any younger siblings as it's not unheard of for same-sex abuse to occur.

I mentioned upthread about my ex who abused his younger sisters. It was things like putting putting him, a teen, in one holiday bedroom with a much younger sister while the toddler shared with the parents. That kind of stuff.

It's difficult as it obviously would sicken parents to think that their beloved son isn't trustworthy with his own siblings, but they should think of it as safeguarding all of them and their future healthy relationships with each other.

Years ago, a childhood friend (G) told me she'd been made to do the same for 2 of her mum's boyfriends over the years from around 8yo, but shockingly she felt that one of them wasn't as bad as the other because he liked to 'reciprocate' (!!!) so it was somehow 'fairer'. I cannot imagine how damaged that poor, poor girl was to even start to think that.

I don't know for sure if she told her mum what was going on but I always had the idea that mum was complicit in it because G said to me in another unrelated conversation that her mum told her something like "you know all about how much black men love white girls don't you, G..." For context G and her mum are white and her mum always had black boyfriends.

Years later I bumped into G again and by that time she had a (white) daughter of her own aged around 7 and was herself with a black boyfriend. I just hope to god history wasn't repeating itself.

(Please don't mistake anything in my post as racism in any way as it's absolutely not.)

We all know SA is appallingly common but seeing post after post from women where a single person has suffered abuse at the hands of multiple different men and boys in separate incidents must surely mean statistics wildly underestimate just how common it is?

I don't think parents of boys like this are ignorant. They will have fathers who treat women badly and copy that behaviour. Or fathers that are mean to their own daughters and make sexualised remarks about them. It does not spontaneously develop, because little boys keenly observe what their fathers or other male figures do to girls and women.

@SociopathicGorilla Couldn’t have written it better myself. Yes, my brother was the well behaved, favoured one and I was the naughty one who was not how a sweet little girl should be as my dad would often tell me. My brother turned into a nasty person after he met his equally nasty wife (not solely blaming her) and hasn’t been the best to my parents since. Guess who’s the one who does everything for them in their old age? My dad speaks to my brother as if nothing ever happened. My mum wants us to meet and play happy families.

I think SA is rooted in a hideous mix of sadism, lust and the desire for power. They seem to be closely related, and you often find them together. People who crave power and control often have a sadistic side as well. I suspect that a lot of men who sexually abuse little girls also like to beat and bully little boys. Time and again you hear of stepfathers who abused the daughter and beat up the son. Behind closed doors they can be an all-powerful King/dictator, and they love it. Such men will often torment family pets as well. I knew a girl whose abusive father actually kicked the family dog to death. And my best friend growing up had an evil scumbag father who acted like a tyrant behind closed doors. He controlled the children’s every move, and loved the power he had over them (you could see it in his face). He was also sadistically cruel to the family pets.

Bit of Mickey Mouse psychology here, but maybe you could divide men into three groups. First, men who don’t have that wish to dominate others. My brother is like that - easy going, kind, and a loner by nature. Second, men who do have that urge (Nietzsche called it a ‘will to power’), but channel it into something healthy, like their career or hobbies. And thirdly, the disgusting, pathetic little men who have an overwhelming desire for power/dominance/status but can’t find an outlet. They don’t have the guts to take up martial arts or rugby or join the army, wouldn’t dare pick a fight with another man, and haven’t the intelligence or education or confidence to pursue a career. Their desire for power/dominance/status (which is normal and healthy if channeled in the right direction) is blocked, and becomes twisted and perverted. So instead they find a vulnerable woman with kids. Once they close the door, they are the king. They can beat up the nine year old son, kick the poor dog around, abuse the little girl and bully and control the mother. I have seen it many, many times. They’re not men, of course, just pathetic, disgusting little maggots.

I have a son and a daughter. My son is the younger sibling & this is still something that has crossed my mind. And my son is 8 and has never showed any signs of being inappropriate. It is still a worry. It never used to be until

2 years ago one of my siblings was in a relationship with a really charming, attractive, outgoing man. Around 8 months into their relationship he was sent to prison for abusing his nephew and niece when he was 11/12 and they were 9 and younger. He had several older adult siblings who had children close to his own age.

The neices/nephews would go to grandma's house and then get abused by their child uncle. They didn't tell anyone until they were adults.

My son is a lovely friendly respectable little boy but I'm still aware he has the potential to hurt someone in the future. It's an awful thought. But I would be naive to think it would never happen because it might.

The only way I can think is to arm my children with the knowledge that other people are not allowed to touch our bodies or our privates and they must tell an adult if anyone ever tried. We don't go in each other's rooms unless invited ect and respect each other's boundaries.

* edited to add*

I hate that I've even had to have this conversation with my children but they are also aware that if someone was to start being inappropriate it is unlikely to be a stranger, it would more than likely be someone they thought was a friend or a family friend and that the way abusers work is that most of them, groom the family first.

I hate that it'd even a conversation we've had to have. I was wary before my sisters boyfriend was arrested and since he was, its just always been in the back of my mind. It could be anyone.

And it's not a minor difference. It's a huge statistically significant factor in SA. People can say what they want about how great their partner is with the step children or how bio dads can and do abuse, but the most dangerous event for any female child at any age in their life is sharing a family home with a step parent.

Thank you 👆

do we all need to be at the starting point that all males - brothers andbrothers friends, cousins, fathers, uncles, neighbours at any age (from 6 years old?) are a risk

That is rule one of safeguarding: no one is above suspicion.

With my brother, I dunno. I think he's just an innately sick, twisted individual. Definitely a narcissist, defintely like what @Dappy777 describes- a sadist, and a huge craving and sense of entitlement of high status. He has always believed he is much better than everyone, like in every way possible, very high and mighty and looks down on everyone. But the funny thing is- he's a failure. He's weird. He has no friends, has never had a girlfriend, no stable job, lived with my mother his entire life, until I stepped in a few years ago, now I hear he's homeless. He is a complete waste of space in general, nevermind the abuse on top of that.

As far as his treatment by my parents as kids... well my parents were actually emotionally unavailable to the point of neglectful. So not really any sense of importance on him from them. I think he's just a wrong'un.

Female socialisation has a lot to answer for. "Don't rock the boat, don't make a scene, don't be rude..."

Why don't you ask her now? X

And "don't tell lles" " don't make a fuss" just noticed I forgot to quote the post I was commenting on about the way girls are socialised and their experiences are downplayed

@BunnysTailFluff you need to get your mum away from that man fgs xx

"Don't tell lies" is generally a good behavioural standard to set. But I think that you mean how we are accused of lying to silence our truthful disclosures, which I conceptualise as a particular manifestation of "don't rock the boat".

The older brother (one of 9) abused his younger sister for years. Years later the sister's mental health deteriorates and it all comes out. By this time he's been in the army/worked abroad and alone with children and is now married with children. The family choose to do nothing. Not report tom fahy to the garda in Galway, or do anything. The glass family business continues as normal.

Mind blowing

Can’t be stated enough: no-one is above suspicion.

After reading this thread I just want to say, anyone arguing for 'consenting adult' incest to be legal is evil. They live IN our houses.

To be honest since this thread I’ve just had horrible flash backs every day. I had forgotten about it for 30+ years and I haven’t been acting rationally. I’m taking it out on dp a little and he’s asked what’s wrong but I simply cannot tell him. I don’t want him to look at me in a different way. I feel like asking my mum why she let it happen to me but she’s in her late 60’s , I don’t want to upset her. I don’t want to tell my brother as he will be devastated for me and I know he would not be able to keep that info in. I do know in my mums defence her brother was a piece of work and did push her down the stairs when she was pregnant with my brother. He was a terrifying person when angered.

@AnonAnonmystery
Thats how I felt that I didn’t want anyone to see me differently (see me as damaged or with pity) the only reason that I told anyone was because my sister was pregnant with a girl and I commented not to let her near our dad. She was surprised as she has no recollection of any of it. If it wasn’t for that reason I would have taken it to the grave. I guess you have to decide if there is any benefit for you or anyone else in telling your story. You don’t have to tell anyone anything if you don’t want to either, it is completely your choice (certainly don’t feel pressured to do so if the thought of it is making you feel bad). 💜

I made my sister promise she would never tell our mum either, She would have been devastated and she’d already divorced him by then anyway. I thought why let his actions hurt anyone else and I’m very glad she never found out. Everyone’s decision is personal to them and their own circumstances. Sending hugs to everyone affected x

Sorry you've been feeling that way. Hugs ❤

Yes all the research and court reports,etc confirm this . Another adult (usually male) joining a single family unit is statistically risky to the children