Dating thread 52 - 2025. Springing into Spring

[oldernotwiserffs]

The Rules:
• The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
• Develop a thick skin.
• Do not invest emotionally too soon.
• It's all BS until it actually happens.
• Trust your gut instinct.
• People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your faulT.
• Know your wortH.
• If it's not fun, stop.
• Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread.
11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated
12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.
Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

I leave men for several days before I text back. Key difference - men I’m not interested in. If I’m able to leave someone for ages, that means I don’t care.

That’s basically why I stopped bothering with dating in numbers and OLD. I observe how I feel and react when someone I’m genuinely keen on messages, the excitement etc… and then my level of interest when someone else messages.

I feel like I should only bother with someone when their name flashing up makes my heart beat faster and I can’t wait to read what they wrote. And I’m only interested in someone who feels the same on the opposite end.

Obviously that’s not necessarily healthy in early dating when you don’t know someone at all. But thinking back to this last year, everyone that has piqued my interest has got me to that stage, where messaging them becomes so exciting that neither wants to put the phone down.

I mean, yeah, to him we are bf/gf. I presume that's what he meant by 'very exclusive'. I'm not going along with that just yet though... I'm the definition of a commitmentphobe right now. Too much baggage holding me back 😭

We hadn't planned to spend 46 hours together, the friends of mine that he met on Friday night were going out again on Saturday night and invited us along. Then on Sunday we got up at like 2pm and went for lunch so that was most of the day together haha.

He dropped off the kitchen gadget he got me a couple of weeks ago and it's a really snazzy (expensive) version of what I thought he meant. I'm already trying to think of a non-awkward way to return it when our thing blows up. 😂

I think you should meet Mr Tradie's family & friends! You're definitely going out with each other after 11 (12?) dates... your anxiety is getting the better of you. Suggest it next time you see each other.

@ElleintheWoods Oh I'm talking about friends, family and guys I'm dating. Not OLD matches - I stop replying when I lose interest, then have a clear out and unmatch dead conversations.

Depends on the friends/ family for me but again, someone I’m keen on I’ll pick up right away - IF I’m on my phone, as usually during the working day I put it away.

Usually we converse intensely back and forth 20 mins, say, and then the phone goes away and I focus on actual life.

Work contacts etc I tend to leave for longer as those conversations can drain me as you say

@ElleintheWoods - you are spot on, when you add the multiple degrees from Oxbridge and my income north of half a million, 99% of men find me out of their league. And the 1% seem to be all players and perennial bachelors or got married at age 25.
Have you ever thought of moving - whether to a bigger city or abroad? Do we think dating is easier anywhere else in the world?

Well this guy has just instantly replied again but this time has said about i must think he sits and waits for him to reply and that he had WhatsApp open when I replied and I text when he's sitting on his phone. I didn't even question the quick replies! Don't know if I'm put off.
It's nice to have attention but don't know if it's too much this early. I haven't met him yet

So. I am actually moving to a city shortly.

Although when I’m out in said city, the men certainly don’t catch my eye, so let’s see how that goes! I think I just need to get out of the country club + country pubs + farm shops vibe for a bit. It’s a lovely life but it’s designed for couples or old rich people, and I want to be able to see my girls without them having to travel and make a weekend of it.

I have a bit of a different experience with the 1% though. They seem lonely and like many people can’t connect with them. They may struggle to connect with someone that works 9-5 or didn’t have their upbringing. They also have very fragile egos, so very scared of rejection/ vulnerability.

I’ve recently reconnected with a couple of male friends that have inherited a lot from their families and work very very hard, and they’ve regularly fallen hopelessly for a ‘regular’ woman that’s a bad match for them and messed them around.

I feel like high intelligence levels and unusual life experiences makes them overthink as well.

I’d say for me dating is easy in Italy/ Spain/ South America, mostly because of how I look and how proactive men are. However underneath it I imagine a big cultural disconnect.

America I couldn’t imagine for myself, seems a different world.

So think I’ll stick with the UK, we have the whole world here anyway 😇

Friends here say that the best place for finding a relationship if you’re a woman is SF because there’s a gender imbalance in favour of women. The hardest is NYC where the gender imbalance goes the other way 😭

My experience so far has been unusual and hard to compare to London. I get fewer matches on OLD but they’re better quality overall. I met Mr Rave a couple of months after getting here, at a rave, but it was me who approached him! (I told him to feel my abs, he thought I said “ass” and gave me a weird look, then we laughed at the misunderstanding and exchanged instagrams… the beginning of every love story 😂).

It’s interesting you mention Spain/Italy/South America, Elle, because I have the worst luck with Latin men. To the point where I immediately swipe left on them now. I have dark eyes and could pass for Mediterranean so perhaps my English coldness and standoffishness confuses them.

Well my very brief reunion interactions with Mr blast from the past were a non event.

Think we were on very very very different pages. In his head the fact we had a handful of dates over a year ago meant we could pick up exactly where we left off and were immediately a couple. He even said after a couple of days of messaging ‘does this mean we’re exclusive now?’

And me saying ‘let’s meet for a drink and a proper chat first and see how we both feel face to face’ was brushing him off 🤷‍♀️

And the fact I didn’t drop my long arranged plans to go to a friends birthday party on Saturday to visit him instead meant I’m obviously not interested.

But I remembered this was what happened last time - he thought I should cancel pre arranged plans including a trip to Greece - do accommodate meeting him.

So while he might find me attractive, I’m never going to be the sort of woman who drops everything for a bloke so it’s dead in the water.

@Crushed23 SF though... is it desirable to date a tech bro? I've got a couple of friends in that field but people high up in tech so do not appeal to me...

Really, NYC has loads of women? I wouldn't have thought, actually, I thought most major 'business' cities were heavy on men.

Haha ok, we've got to know, why did you ask him to feel your abs? 😂

Would you say you have bad luck with them because of how past relationships have worked out, or just feel like there's a disconnect there?

For me 'Latin' is the easiest to date because they love the northern European look, and also I am slim but very feminine with curves and dress in an old-fashioned way, so that's the dream woman to many in that culture, and quite exotic. I also find their look the most attractive given the choice.

On surface level I feel like I'd enjoy that relationship, however, I do find these guys generally a bit too intense, needy, passionate, i.e. sending 200 messages a day, wanting to stay up talking til 2, wanting to move super quickly etc. My Italian ex was truly incompatible with me in that sense.

But on the flipside I feel like maybe that's what I need for now, someone who is really passionate about me. English guys play games and follow some strange unwritten rules IMO, and live inside their head too much.

@TwistedWonder oh dear, sounds like a nightmare. Guess it reminds you why you dropped him in the first place! Sounds far too needy and intense and expected you to come running...

@ElleintheWoods Yeah I mean the downside of SF is the men are likely to be tech bros... but that seems to be quite desirable here!

R.e. approaching Mr Rave at the rave, my memory is hazy but I believe we were talking about exercise and that was my way of flirting / expressing interest. Smooth, I know 😂

I've never had a Latin boyfriend but the few I've dated have all been 'too much' in one way or another. So very similar to your experience. I'm someone who needs to feel independent when dating / in a relationship and it's like Latin men take offence to that, and can be quite controlling / in your face?

@Crushed23 Do you feel like American women want completely different things to European? I’m certainly getting this idea from American dating content.

Haha. Good old-fashioned flirting. Love it!

Now, funny enough, I don’t mind that too much, but there’s always the ‘oh darling, let’s just be together’ vibe/ chat, or not understanding why I might not want to include them in an activity right from date 1/2. I knew a lot of my Latino boyfriend’s friends from day 1 as they’re so casual about intros 😂 I met his sister on date 2 which I thought was a big deal but it really isn’t for them. I’m quite cautious and distant so it’s not always a good fit… but also seems to make them keener?!

Then again I need to stop going for avoidant men. For me anything forward or inclusive, such as ‘come to this thing with me, my family will be there’ or ‘hey I’m going on this trip, wanna join me’ is a signal to run away quick. I think I need to stop pulling away from people whose walls aren’t as crazy high as mine.

@ElleintheWoods Tbh I only interact with a tiny subset of American women: high achieving professional women in their 30s. The main difference I've found vs their London counterparts is more openness about hook-ups / fuck buddies / FWBs. I would discuss these things with close friends (and on anonymous forums 😉) but not with people I have just met. Whereas it is perfectly socially acceptable to talk about all the guys you're fucking on the side as you search for Mr Right. I don't mind it at all, though. Maybe I'll become less uptight and start joining in.

I would run a MILE if a man wanted me to meet his family on a second date. I'm not a 'family' person at all. I'm already getting panicky because Mr Rave lives with his parents and I'm going to have to meet them in 2 weeks when I need to go over to his house because we're driving somewhere early next morning that's closer to where he lives. I already know he tells his mum everything so Christ knows what he's been saying about me.

I don't introduce boyfriends to family unless absolutely necessary tbh. Ex-DP met some of them and since we split over a year ago and no longer speak they ask about him roughly once a week. I kid you not. So I'm going back to a completely compartmentalised life. 😅

@Crushed23 Oh yes I’m the same, nobody meets my family! Partly because I’m not close with family but partly also to not scare someone off in the first 2 years 😂 (I’m not kidding, nobody meets my family under a year, no chance)

I think Latinos are just way more casual about meeting people. I’ve been to people’s houses and dining with their parents before even kissing them. WorkCrush was obsessed with family and I’d have never fitted in there. His parents would have been shell shocked at my (lack of) family relationships.

Yeah, you’re in a relationship with him… Oops!

Interesting about American women! But aren’t Americans generally more open about everything and dump their life story on a stranger?

It’s nice to have these kinds of relationships though. I think the relationship that excites me in my life right now in terms of potential is a friendship with a woman 😂

So. Do you find that American women massively prioritise money/ ‘success’? As that’s what I keep seeing on social media, that a man needs to pay and splitting the bill is offensive, fancy presents are a massive plus for the guy, and planning for the future revolves around what kind of house/ cars the couple could afford together or what career progression pathway the guy has in mind?

My Latina friend who lives in the UK is quite open and honest about her dating life. She also expects the man to pay on the dates and treat her like a princess. She's brilliant and seems to always be going on dates.

I'm still texting the guy who replies almost instantly. Yesterday he panicking because he didn't send me a question in his long text so then sent me a question.
I found out he rents with his mum and his brother has moved back with them.
I asked about hobbies and he has none other than going for a walk sometimes and said he's close to his family. He has already asked me if I want children ane I was honest and said I'm not too keen to have anymore and he said something about wanting 1 and not being a part time dad.
He's now asked for a phone call.
Historically I've always ignored my guy and been in unhealthy or abusive relationship.
I don't think I want to pursue this guy but im also aware in the past I've said no so many times to emotionally available guys who are healthy.
So would this put you off this guy?

@Starsandsparkles112 I do think British men love the concept of a foreign woman so I’m not surprised she has a busy dating life! However I also feel that to settle down, Brits often want someone more similar to them, similar growing up experience etc, so someone from a very different background is not a ‘serious’ option for many in the long-run. Eg religion, levels of generational wealth, cultural norms. What do we think?

Hmmm I think it depends a bit on your own background and lifestyle, right? For me he would be a no because it sounds like he doesn’t do very much with his life, and also you’re on completely different pages re children?

What are you actually looking for, what kind of guy/ relationship are you after? And what age range are you looking? Do you want someone who is more of a home bird or more work or external social life focused?

We're actually the same person 😂 I would never introduce a boyfriend to my family in the first year and I had a 14-month serious relationship with a guy who didn't meet a single member of my family! I haven't found not being close to family to be a problem in relationships, except in terms of being able to relate to guys who are really close to theirs. Ex-DP was a mummy's boy and that definitely played a role in my losing attraction to him / the demise of the relationship.

Mr Rave is clearly close to his parents - he's an only child, he lives with them, the house is literally a shrine to him (photos of him everywhere) and he casually texts his mum in front of me on our dates... But somehow this closeness hasn't given me the ick yet. I'm sure it will at some point.

(Yes, I know, I am now talking about Mr Rave as if he could be a potential BF... but I can't pretend we're just FWBs anymore because we're not. Working through the mess with my therapist!)

@Crushed23 I wonder if people think it's strange not to meet someone's family for a year? Thankfully mine are abroad so I don't have to say anything necessarily!

How do you feel about meeting other people's family/ parents fairly soon? Like, less than 3 months in?

Mr RedWine invited me to meet his quite casually quite early on and I went a bit 'wtf' and pulled away. I've met a few of them now and realise that in his world it's just a much more casual thing.

WorkCrush was absolutely obsessed with this family, too, and I think he couldn't relate to me not being like that.

Are you on some looong romantic date with Mr Rave again this weekend? Not jealous at all haha 😉Also, looking at what's going on this weekend, have you not clashed over politics yet?

@ElleintheWoods If it's meeting the family casually, like going to an event where a guy's siblings will be present, I don't mind that early on in a relationship. It's like meeting his friends. I see it as a good sign and also a good way to find out more about him. If it's dinner with his parents where he is 'introducing' me to them formally, I would not be comfortable with this in the first 3 months or so, no.

Did you say yes to meeting Mr RedWine's parents? If not, were you honest about why? I try not to show my lack of closeness to family or talk about it, as I find that people will assume the worst and think you're estranged / the situation is more dramatic than it actually is. In my case, I'm not close to them because we're very different people. We don't hate each other or anything!

So I've got a throat infection and had to cancel the date with Mr Rave last night (first the hand injury, now this, I'm having a shitshow of a start to 2025 😝). He took it well and we sexted instead lol. We haven't discussed politics - I don't think either of us would dare. At the rave last weekend I heard him start to talk politics with one of my friends so I walked off and left them to it (not in a hostile way, I really would rather just not hear).

I think he is beginning to acknowledge we're fundamentally different because he said something like "if we fuck this up, let's promise to stay in touch". Mixed feelings about this, naturally.

@Crushed23 see I do wonder if an average woman would see it as a massive red flag if they don’t meet their boyfriend’s family for a year! Are we walking red flags? 🚩😂

I wasn’t honest about it, no. I was just magically busy that day. His family know me now and have my number and I still don’t quite understand this! Surely as a man you only introduce someone to your family that you think they’d see positively?

Awww! Hope you feel better soon! When’s the next date?

I’m just thinking now what kind of boyfriend I’d like and I’d like someone who has similar sort of passions/ interests, Inc politics. I dated someone last year that I was able to have very passionate discussions with and loved that.

Hmmm yes I see what you mean… Do you think you would stay friends/ do you tend to?

WorkCrush and I decided that, and it’s been a bit messy, as it’s been apparent recently that we have weird feelings in relation to each other. For example he has noticed that another guy at work is cozying up to me and has told me to be careful and strongly implied he’s not a good guy. Or exchange little emotional messages along the lines ‘I know we’ve not spoke much but I really hope you’re keeping well’. It’s sad if 2 people care for each other but are so fundamentally different they wouldn’t work.

de-lurking……..

kind of de-lurked on hinge too and lined up a date for 3pm today. Chatted for three week, but only that long cuz of schedules. Tried to keep the chat at bay so not to connect before meeting but have got a sense he’s a good one. Just won’t know till will meet.

i need a pep talk tho….. i get social anxiety a fair bit and im usually fine when im there but obviously this is heeps worse when its a first date!!!! Ahhhhhhh

also day dates throw as to what to wear!!! I don’t want to make too much effort really!

@Grenola how did the date go?

So… just got home. We met at 3pm. The place we planned to meet at was shut, so I had to wait by a huge bin for him!!! No probs we walked to somewhere else. He didn’t quite look how I imagined, shorter and stockier and heavier. But didn’t have a big negative reaction to him.

But we talked and talked so easily and had banter and deep chats so easily. It went so quickly.
I knew straight away he was a gooden. But was unsure if I fancied him.

but did feel compelled to hug him.

we ended the night on a hug and very quick peck on the lips.

so I think it went well!! Not sure how I feel but enjoyed his company….. does that warrant a second date?

hes intelligent and his career history really is similar to me but diff fields.

just didn’t wanna snog his fave off

Glad to hear the date went well and welcome to the thread 🤗

If you're okay with the shorter, heavier, stockier version of him (ie no ick) then maybe you will come to fancy him after a few nice dates? I'm quite visual and so place a lot of importance on looks and couldn't get past a dad bod or whatnot, but I know that many women are okay with this. How good was the chat, did it make up for lack of instant attraction? How would you feel if he asked you out on a second date?

Welcome back @PeachyKeane , we need an update! I think you were going on dates with a hot lawyer last time I saw you on the thread?