Dating thread 52 - 2025. Springing into Spring

[oldernotwiserffs]

The Rules:
• The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
• Develop a thick skin.
• Do not invest emotionally too soon.
• It's all BS until it actually happens.
• Trust your gut instinct.
• People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your faulT.
• Know your wortH.
• If it's not fun, stop.
• Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread.
11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated
12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.
Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

Impromptu day-date with Mr Rave today because I was feeling slightly better. We went for dim sum, watched Severance, had gentle sex, chatted in bed, then he went home. He’s so easygoing/straightforward. Definitely not ready to pull the plug. 🙃

Ah thanks 😊 yes, he was lovely and I had him lined up as a FWB. However I then met on Tinder the loveliest man. Exactly my age, into all the same things as I am, kind, gentle, funny, intelligent. Everything I would have put in a list for requirements of someone to grow old with. We've been dating for perhaps 6 or 7 weeks now and it's just perfect. It has felt calm and right from the first conversation actually. So having said I wasn't looking to settle down, when the right man comes along, all your plans change.

Morning @Crushed23

the chat was too notch, I’ve got quite a diverse career history and not everyone understands it. I’m also a mix of people and he seemed to get me instantly. He could keep up with me. I also felt drawn to ask him questions and was interested in his answers. Impressed by him being a present dad to his kids and the amicable coparenting thing he has going on.

mum attracted to allsorts of people, but struggle to sustain an attraction with someone. I fall quick and fancy hard and then see the red flags and it wears off after some time. I’m open to doing it diff!

I def don’t feel the ick over him. Or worried about seeing him again, so I guess I go for a second date and see how that feels???!!!!

@Grenola

Id say if you found him good company and you’re not feeling any ick then meet up again.

I rarely get an instant spark but o find it far easier to know if it’s a definite no rather than a yes.

If there’s something about them that interested me, then it’s worth a second date imo.

@TwistedWonder yep in the same. Will def have a gut feeling if a no.

Will see! I guess it’s a success in that he was who he said he was, wasn’t a wierdo and didn’t ’put it on me’!!

bar is low I feel 😂

That's amazing @PeachyKeane congrats! 🥰 Where did you meet? And are you on the same page about getting into a serious relationship vs FWB? How exciting for you, in any case! I'm no believer in soulmates but I do think there are some people that just 'get' you instantly and it's great when you meet them.

@Crushed23 yes we seem to be. We just seemed to get on straight away and become a couple. It was really seamless and straightforward and just feels right. We met on Tinder, he'd been on about 2 weeks he says and he was finding it depressing. When we started talking we just clicked straight away and I felt quietly excited because I just felt he was different from all the other men I'd been talking to. A higher quality somehow.

Sex is incredible, he seems to be a rare romantic soul who doesn't watch porn. So it feels like the relationships I used to have in my teens with sweet indie boys who believed in true love and courted you. I actually never thought I'd find someone like that again so it's a really lovely surprise.

Sounds wonderful. I remember reading (perhaps on this thread) that there are in fact great men on dating apps, it's just they get snapped up quickly, which your experience proves. 2 weeks and he finds a girlfriend!! 😁

Help……..

So following on from first date Sunday, I’ve just felt really down and low energy. He’s been texting but I’ve not felt like replying and I’ve evaded the second date question.

im thinking that the date has made me feel vulnerable and opened up all those feelings of meeting someone new! Even tho it’s ’just a date’ and he was very relaxed and respectful. I can’t tell if I’ve just got no romantic excited feelings with this match or I’m just feeling a little scared?!!

does anyone relate at all?

for context I’ve been single for two years, divorced for 3. I def felt ready to start dating again. I’m not desperate or gagging to fill my time so maybe this is just a healthy approach?! Gahhhh

It can make us very emotional it's normal. It's much easier to close down all your emotions and live peacefully on your own. There are definitely greater highs and lows to be found when you open yourself up like this and allow yourself to be vulnerable. Dating is really tough, not for the fainthearted.

But I feel that, in the words of Annie Lennox, "better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all." If you buy into that, then it may well be for you. If not, life is certainly easier and more stable on your own. It's a bit of an emotional rollercoaster 🎢 at times. Good to have people to chat about it with, to put it all into perspective.

Agree with @PeachyKeane It is no exaggeration to say that with each date I go on with my current ... (I don't even know what he is), I think about when it's going to end so I can go back to a peaceful single life. And the dates are beyond fantastic - that's the crazy part. Dating just causes me so much anxiety, but the highs are worth the lows overall, which is why I keep putting myself through it. 😅

I say engage a little bit with him and go on the second date. You'll at least have a clearer picture of whether it's a 'him' issue.

Evening, thanks both. Really excellent perspective and advice… it’s nice to be understood.

Will do what you have said…. Keep chatting (in a healthy boundary way) and arrange a second date

x

I'm having the most stressful work week and I'm trying hard not to burden Mr Rave with any of it. I was crying in an uber to the airport (long story) at the same time as messaging him about fluffy non-stuff and pretending everything is peachy.

Does anyone else feel like they have to always be happy in early dating? I know it's not healthy, but breaking down in front of a guy you've only been dating for 2 months can't be a good idea either.

Long time lurker. I've just recently dipped my toes back into the apps. I've had previous success but have been single now for 4 years. I kind of know how to weed through the awful ones but have been talking to a lovely man now for over a week, we've spoken on the phone and have a date lined up at the weekend.

The problem is that I have previously been ghosted really badly by someone I was going out with for 6 months.
I am highly sensitive and have detected a change in NewMan's communication over the last day or two.
This causes me to spiral a bit and I know it is because of my previous ghosting experience.
It just drives me bananas! I didn't even know this person 2 weeks ago and I'm annoyed the ever so slight change in his comms is affecting me and I don't want it to put me off trying to date which I've had thoughts of. I just can't bear the ups and downs but I also know it's absolutely unreasonable of me to have any expectations at this stage!!
Gahhh

Any tips? Stay busy, which I am? Talk to others, which I am trying to. I know the rules and I am trying not to take it personally and to keep it in perspective until we actually meet.
Thanks all

Sorry you are having a bad work week @Crushed23
I am no expert, but I think it's ok to show a little vulnerability? We are all human. My approach at times like this is to try to lean on my own normal friends/support but also don't be afraid of being honest...
Hope things improve soon

Ah @Crushed23 soery your having stress. Totally get ya, it’s like it’s healthy to have boundaries early on but feel fake and exhausting keeping up the ‘fun loving’ banter. It’s just not real life. It’s this that I struggle most with, the decompaetmentalising.

if the effort doesn’t go in, it goes stagnant. I can’t seem to get the balance in that sense!

@Crushed23 I actually think that showing emotions and being vulnerable can build a connection in early dating. Also it's a good opportunity to see if Mr Rave has the empathy and capacity to support you as these are things you need in a partner. I'm sorry to hear things are so stressful, I hope they pick up soon.

@DatingScared8 I'm so sorry to hear you were ghosted after 6 months - that is truly brutal.

Like you, I pick up on changes in communication and make them mean something. When I was first seeing Mr Tradie, I analysed his messaging style to look for patterns and if one day didn't fit that pattern eg he only sent one message than the usual two or three I would drive myself mad. The reality is that not everyone places as much importance on messaging as us and it is always better to see what the connection is like in person than becoming preoccupied with messages. Someone could message you loads but that could just be because they're bored, not because they like you. And someone could like you and not message much because they're not much of a texter/they have other stuff going on.

Thanks @oldernotwiserffs - it's so nice that someone understands and it is really useful to think of it like that - that a huge texter does not mean they necessarily like you that they could be bored. I'm going to try to stop overanalysing and wait to see if the date materialises before allowing it all as much headspace!

@DatingScared8 it's very hard, I still do it myself sometimes - Tradie left mine last night after a lovely evening and even said he's get dinner next time but he didn't text me when he got home and I thought to myself 'maybe he has gone off me'.

I think ghosting can really do a number on your self confidence which is what creates all this anxiety for you. Remember though, your focus shouldn't be whether he likes you but whether you like him. Keep us updated!

Thanks again @oldernotwiserffs
You are so right about that. I've kinda lost that perspective a bit and I really do need to calm down until we actually meet and I decide if I like him in person.
I just have a good feeling about this one.

There was a flurry messages yesterday evening so I do now think he was just actually busy.

As well as the awful ghosting, I had another experience where things were just getting going with a guy I ha met IRL. He went away for the weekend for an event our club was running and his messages dried up and he did indeed meet someone else....At least he was honest about it on his return, but I think both experiences have scarred me.

If anyone is into podcasts, Elizabeth Day has a new series out called How To Date which I found really useful!

Thanks all, I ended up messaging Mr Rave a bit about the stressful project (although didn't mention the crying) and he was sweet about it. I think because we're in completely different lines of work and he has a job with stable hours and a good work life balance etc, he can't really relate. But that's fine, I've done the dating Finance bros thing before and it's been a disaster, frankly. Someone who knows how to make and fix things, and who has lots of free time to spend in the gym, is far preferable. 💜

Welcome back @oldernotwiserffs ! How's it going with Mr Tradie? I guess you're bf & gf now! Have you met any of his family or friends? Any plans to go away together so you know what each other is like after a few days?

Hope you’re ok x

Work should not make you cry…

Agree with PPs that it could actually be a bonding moment. I would be mortified if I’m dating someone, they’re having a difficult time and they don’t tell me. I’d almost question what I’ve done wrong to not have them open up to me.

IMO the fun enjoyable times don’t make the relationship. You can have a laugh with anyone, someone that’s genuinely invested when you’re down is the one that’s truly into you.

So hypothetically… If you’re not really looking for a relationship on the apps and just want to meet someone hot and totally unsuitable to kiss you passionately and maybe more, how would one express it on their profile?

I see that the old ‘figuring out my dating goals’ has an incredibly bad rep with people.

Just feel like being up front about something like this could attract some pretty dubious people?

I’m not saying that’s what I’ll do but feel like I have to do something now, I was out in the city yesterday literally eating men with my eyes 😂

On that note… If you’re in a major city, say London, Manchester, NYC… Have you ever locked eyes with a guy, both smile (and then usually both keep walking), but then actually turned around and said ‘hey, you’re kind of nice, want to swap numbers?’

Or is that the old 90s/ 2000s men creepy behaviour, only coming from a woman? Could this ever be well received? 😆

@Crushed23thanks! I’ve been meaning to post but I’ve just been so busy - work has been mad.

we’re not actually bf/gf yet but we are exclusive and we are doing more bf/gf things together eg days out, just chilling at mine. In my more insecure moments I wish he’d just lock it down but in general I am coming to appreciate the slow pace - we see each other twice a week and are taking time to get to know each other. No plans to meet friends or family yet although we have both told friends/family about each other. He is 40 in a couple of months and I am thinking of suggesting a weekend away then. It’s difficult for him because he cares for his mum but he does seem to prioritise me alongside other important things in his life so I think he could make it work.

im glad you were able to talk to Mr Rave and that he was sweet about it - it’s a good way to gauge whether someone is supportive or not. He doesn’t have to understand your work to empathise.

@ElleintheWoodsi have never done that but if you feel like it id say shoot your shot! It’s 2025, nothing wrong with men approaching women