Dating thread 52 - 2025. Springing into Spring

[oldernotwiserffs]

The Rules:
• The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
• Develop a thick skin.
• Do not invest emotionally too soon.
• It's all BS until it actually happens.
• Trust your gut instinct.
• People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your faulT.
• Know your wortH.
• If it's not fun, stop.
• Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread.
11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated
12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.
Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

He is trying with the kids but they blame him for the divorce as he was the one who wanted it. They have had to move miles away and change college, left all their friends etc. so I can see why they would be blaming him. Hence why I said yellow not red but it does concern me.

@coronade
Agree these are red flags sadly.

My yellow flags are

1. he drank 3 pints and drove home.
2. His wife has blocked him and his adult kids are barely speaking to him ( he says he’s never cheated he just fell out of love with her). Kids weren’t happy they had to relocate when house sold.

100% agree. These aren’t yellow flags or even amber, they’re huge glow on the dark bright red flags.

Id run a mile from someone who thought any of this was acceptable on a first date.

Im 59+ and yes the pool is shallower than a puddle after a 2 minute rain shower but that doesn’t mean you drop your bar and ignore warning signs.

@coronade the drinking is a big one. It's dangerous. He's showing you who he is and he clearly thinks that's normalised. I also find when men say their kids arent talking to them, they are hiding a much bigger issue there eg domestic abuse etc. I say this as someone who has been in this type of situation.

Finally both of these just make life much harder to navigate - do you really want to date a man who already has the hassles of kids not speaking to him? It's just more stress you dont need when you should be enjoying things. Personally i always look for someone who has a healthy relationship with his kids and ideally his ex. It's not always the case with exes but certainly you can with kids.

Maybe take a look and see why you think this is ok to accept - again i say this as someone who dated several losers when my friends (who had better self esteem) wouldnt have touched them with a bargepole.

@coronade That’s not a red flag parade, that’s a full-on Soviet military procession through Red Square 🚩🚩🚩

Think about why you’re dating to start with. Are you looking for someone that allows you to thrive and adds to your life? Or what would be a good reason to allow a drunk driver whose own family are NC with him into your life?

Sorry but had to be said.

If you like him and he is keen and acting it, why not give it a shot, right? Worst case scenario it could be a pleasant excursion into something enjoyable for a while, with some adventure and travel baked in.

My friend recently met a man in similar circumstances, at an airport no less. She said it won't become anything at all due to distance, even reluctant to go on any dates, but he was acting very interested and travelling several times to go on dates wth her and get to know her. Similar to you, she can't move city due to her job/ field. The man is now working from her city 2 weeks a month as his job is more flexible, and she seems on cloud 9, they're a very good match.

Not saying this will happen to everyone, but what have you got to lose if he's attractive, interested and well matched in terms of interests etc.

Hmmm I'm contemplating on going on a date this week but I have no idea why... My nickname for this man would be Mr RedFlagParade 😅He has called me 'babe' several times before first date. He's extremely handsome but I think this may be his main redeeming quality.

I feel you are making excuses for this man. Not having a go at you at all. Please raise your bar, you deserve better than this man. Lots of red flags.

Thanks everyone I just needed validation that what was worrying me was as concerning as I thought it was.

My friends just always say give it a go and that I’m overthinking, I think they are just fed up of me being single and hearing about another crap date.

In an attempt to bring this thread back to life… Should I go out with Mr RedFlagParade?

Pros:

• Very attractive, like top 1% attractive physically
• Banter is good, quite funny if a little cheesy
• Seems to have lived an interesting life

Cons:

• Regularly calls me ‘babe’ even though we’ve not even been out yet
• Quite a few random phone calls at odd times
• Jokes around sexual topics, they’re so cheesy they’re funny, but he’s using it as a gateway to sexual discussions
• Doesn’t work, so has a lot of time to blow up my phone
• Seems to have the opposite lifestyle to me, rarely seems to be awake before 11am, whereas I’m out of the house by 7
• Actually employs negging as a flirtation technique like it’s 2006
• Asking for pics, in a jokey tone, but still asking - for context we met IRL so he knows what I look like
• A playboy persona
• A concrete time and venue suggestion for a date haven’t actually materialised
• Passive aggressive if he doesn’t get the kind of response he was expecting
• Already talking about what our future relationship would look like
• Tried to kiss me within an hour of meeting me (thankfully asked for consent) - I’m assuming because he’s so attractive he often gets away with it
• Mentioned he will stalk me until I say yes to a date with him - jokingly but still

Basically, he is mildly insane. However I’m not busy this weekend and he’s hot and funny so for entertainment purposes I might actually go out with him.

Is this too many red flags or …? 🚩🤣

ElleintheWoods I've been keeping a vague eye on the thread. Red flag parade made me laugh!

I'd probably not be bothered about the last point as it's the sort of stupid thing that I'd say & then think 'FFS, it's not funny to joke about stuff like that!'

I think if he's hot & you are already aware of his negatives, then why not

I say this as somebody who is firmly turned off by huge muscly men (apart from the Rock) & men in string vests, & always has been, but yesterday I saw this huge muscly man in a string vest & I though 'Wow, look at him.' & stood there watching him walk by, imagining his huge muscly arms around me. So I'm clearly in a throw caution to the wind kind of mood

I think go for it but not take him too seriously. I think he has quite a lot of flags but if you think you will have a laugh then go ahead.

@ElleintheWoodsThe passive aggressiveness would be a dealbreaker for me, but really I think it’s up to you what your boundaries are. It sounds like he’s not a serious option. Meeting for entertainment purposes is fine so long as it’s fun - just remember you can and should pull the pin if it is no longer fun…

As for my current match, I see what you’re saying and that’s totally how I’m approaching it. Right now it’s a bit of fun, and it’s nice to have found someone I would look forward to seeing again even if he’s only close-ish until mid December. I don’t have any expectations that this might become a long term thing, but if it does then great.

@NervesOfCotton Haha that’s funny! What do you think was different about him? And what kind of guys do you usually like?

@Kat888 Yes it’s quite ridiculous! I don’t think I’ve ever spoken to anyone like that, besides from when I was 21 and naive! If someone is all over you and super keen from minute one, that to me tends to be a bad sign

@BoxOfCats so you have another date planned this weekend, is that right? What’s his communication like?

No, not a serious option… although even to be kissed passionately and inappropriately would be nice at the moment, it’s been a long time. So maybe that. I’m weirdly physically attracted to him, and I rarely get physically attracted to the point of wanting to kiss. Thankfully he doesn’t know any personal info about me, eg where I live/ work/ proper name, so feels safe even if things go south.

Passive aggressive in the sense that I might not pick up a 2pm phone call and then he might send a sulky text, or also if I can’t meet for weekday lunch because, erm, I work…

Have a call scheduled with Mr Volleyball today, the guy I fancy but it’s complicated, this whole Mr RedFlagParade saga makes me really appreciate Mr Volleyball as he is stable, mature, helpful, reliable, but with a bit of fire, and a gorgeous big smile. He’ll be wondering why I’m so keen today!

@ElleintheWoodsMy Volleyball sounds delightful! Is there any reason you wouldn’t hold out for him instead of Mr RedFlagParade? Are the complications quite, er, complicated? I do understand the appeal of Mr RedFlag, I’m rarely attracted to anyone either so when someone does come along the temptation level is high…

Yes we had a date planned this weekend, although he’s had to unexpectedly travel for work this evening via my city. So he will be stopping by here tonight (which is quite soon as I’m on the other side of the world from the UK). His communication has been spot on, messaging every day but not too much. He seems very keen, but I am quite conscious that until now we’ve spent a lot of time in the bedroom. Jury is out as to whether that’s all that he’s actually after. He’s definitely asked a lot of questions to get to know me as person though and had suggested that this weekend we go hiking or to the beach, but only time will tell I guess.

ElleintheWoods Well he had a very pretty face, but I think that I'm craving just being held. That feeling of a man wrapping you up in a hug. It's been so long since I had a hug like that.

I'm liking the geeky type, thick Black glasses, & the hippy type, long shaggy hair, right now!

Mr Volleyball sounds lovely! I love a man with a nice big smile.

@BoxOfCats Oh, are you in Australia? Keen to hear how the dating scene differs there? Hiking and beach, AUS version, sounds very dreamy! I’d say if you’re very attracted to someone, wanting a lot of 🛌 time once that line has been crossed sounds quite natural. Is there nice pillow talk? If I started sleeping with a guy and they’d want to just talk most of the time I’d be concerned, but I know I enjoy that initial heady stage maybe more than most. I actually had a 3-month thing fizzle out as he didn’t seem sufficiently interested physically, it felt almost forced.

@NervesOfCotton i want a hug too 😇 Do you get hugs from other people, say, female friends?

So Mr Volleyball is my lawyer 😇 However from day 1 there’s been sparks big-time. But it’s very awkward in terms of making concrete moves by either party. To top it off he lives several hours away.

We went for a coffee and not a single work related sentence was uttered. He made it clear he was single, and asked about my situation and dating life. Send a lot of jokey texts, and now he’s got into the habit of ‘I’d love to talk to you, are you free?’ and ‘it was really nice to hear your voice, made my day better’.

I was certainly instantly intrigued by him and continue to be, but I don’t think it’s realistic to actually pursue. However he does have huge ‘husband vibes’, he’s almost everything you’d want a guy to be. Just works too hard and can be too serious!

@ElleintheWoodsOh, Mr Volleyball actually sounds pretty dreamy! And being your lawyer plus distance don’t sound completely impossible to overcome. It’s so hard to find that spark that I’d be reluctant to write it off completely! What’s the worst that could happen if you went for it? 🙂

Not quite AUS, I’m in NZ so quite close! The pillow talk is actually amazing, we never seem to run out of things to chat about. So not only is the physical chemistry there in spades, there’s a lot of chat and banter which feels really nice. He’s definitely not outright looking for a relationship as such though - more just wants to “see where it goes”. Which I am fine with, just makes me wary of investing too much emotionally.

BoxOfCats Yours sounds pretty dreamy too!

ElleintheWoods No I'm not really a huggy type of person apart from with my kids. Usually.

Mr Volleyball sounds amazing. The distance is annoying, would he be able to pursue anything romantically, with being your lawyer? (I don't know how it works!)

@BoxOfCats wow, that sounds really nice!! What you're experiencing right now is pretty much what I'm looking for, really nice physical chemistry, cuddles and being able to chat and be yourself. I'd probably say all dating is 'see where it goes' initially, isn't it? I appreciate some people are very intentional, but sometimes they can be too intense and possessive for me. So when did you say you were likely to see each other again?

@NervesOfCotton Actually realised... this has Charlotte from SATC vibes, sparking with your lawyer! It's not completely impossible, but like any work related romance, the risk of a sexual harrassment complaint is there if one tries to pursue the other and it turns out not to be mutual.

He has booked in another call for today. The truth is, we don't need that many calls, once a month would be about right as that's how often I talk to the other lawyers, he has booked 4 this week.

He is pretty dreamy. He has a really lovely way of communicating with people, especially waiting staff etc, he'll remember names, genuinely smile, have really nice banter... I worked from his office for a day and noticed how his work colleagues would come round and linger a bit, trying to talk to him more, especially the young ladies for some reason... 😉People seem to really like him. He's also on cause-driven committees and boards for sustainability etc, and genuinely seems to care, not just tick boxes. He actually invited me to join a cause volunteering group with him which would involve a lot of time together as it's a very small group and would involve a day together every week, so that's why I feel he's trying to get to know me beyond just work.

What I like about him as well is that although he's in a very performance-driven enviornment, he's a country boy at heart, so loves to talk about things like hiking up mountains to see the sunrise, and the simpler pleasures in life, not things like having the latest designer watch, and being showy.

Ok, right, Elle, chill!

In other news, Mr RedFlagParade has stopped the sexy chat when I called him out on it, and seems to be planning an actual date for the weekend. I believe it when I see it, worst case scenario it'll be giggles and me fixing his life, and he seems mentally 21 and needing life advice! Passport age would be 30-35. He comes across very much like some of my old clients (=immature and hiding fragility behind confidence). Might just fix his life in 90 minutes and charge in cocktails, this is how my last date with someone like that went!

@ElleintheWoods Yes, that describes how it’s felt so far exactly. He has to work today (Saturday morning here) back where he lives 2 hours away, but is keen to drive back to my city this afternoon to visit again. And I totally get what you mean by “seeing where it goes” being the whole point of dating, and I agree.

Mr Volleyball sounds like an absolute catch!!! How did you respond to the invitation to join the volunteer group?
Mr RedFlagParade sounds like a bit of a handful - looking forward to hearing how the date goes!

ElleintheWoods Oh Mr Volleyball does sound lovely. I love a man who speaks to people nicely & is respectful, I don't come across them much, so I wouldn't listen them as 'what I'm looking for', but when you do find one, I find them so endearing.

Are you going to join the group? Sounds like a good opportunity to get to know him even more!

When are you seeing Mr RedFlagParade?

@BoxOfCats Oh that sounds really keen! I have a lot of time for a man that’s willing to travel 2h+ to see the lady he’s into. Sounds like a lovely weekend.

@NervesOfCotton Yes from what I’ve seen he’s just a good person that cares about helping others. In fact, he is always offering me his help, in things completely unrelated to work such as planning a holiday to a place he knows well.

I tried to play it cool and said ‘of course, please keep me updated, happy to do what I can’ when we talked about it a couple of weeks ago. I’ll ask him on the next call. Just worried about sounding overly keen, as I do message him a fair bit, and he’s a busy guy. I’m trying to give him signals that I’m interested in getting to know him, but I don’t want to fully put it on a plate for him and put him off.

Oh, Mr RedFlagParade… 🤣 It’s 8:30am. We’re supposed to go on a lunch date. So far, nothing has been agreed other than time and rough geographical area 🤣🤣🤣 I can see him messaging me 15 mins before with ‘yo babe, where you at?’ 🤣

I’m crafting a message in my head such as ‘Oh, I didn’t realise we had a plan, I’ve gone for a massage, hope training was good’ for when he resurfaces!

I’m getting the feeling with those younger guys around age 32 that they’re good at texting and flirting when it’s just a bit of harmless fun, but when it gets real in terms of taking a woman with standards out, they’re like a rabbit in headlights. I appreciate that if you’re going to date someone a little older and professionally more accomplished than you, it can be scary as you might feel what you’re proposing may not impress her, but ‘we can just do whatever you wanna do babe’ isn’t my vibe anymore. Even ‘3pm, petrol station costa’ is better than that.

Went on a date with a guy who was maybe 50 recently, he gave me a concrete time and had a plan, with some flexibility built in, ie he offered me a choice between 3 activities, all nearby. And also brought wine + glasses to watch the sunset!

ElleintheWoods I'll be waiting for an update on did the date happen or not

I agree with you regarding younger men but I have had some older ones like this too, & when I tried to at least pin down a time, even if we'd decide 'what to do' once we met, they'd give it the old 'Oh I just like to go with the flow that's me, keep it simple & don't overthink it'. Trying to make out that I'm in the wrong for wanting a time.

Glasses at sunset guy sounds nice! I love romantic stuff like that.

A long time ago on these threads, I had a major crush on somebody who I called Mr School Run. We eventually had 1 disastrous date (disastrous in that it turned out that he is a raging racist & hates everybody & spent the night informing me of his horrendous, well hidden! views)

Anyway I've not seen him for a couple of years but just now, he comes & stands next to me at the crossing. He's a foot taller than me & I found myself thinking 'Ooh I bet he'd give me a nice hug with his big strong arms'.

FFS. What's with me & mens arms & hugs right now?! I'm keeping my head down the rest of the weekend until this hopefully passes (I'm putting it down to hormones)

@NervesOfCotton Hmmm, maybe you just need to lean into it and get a hug! Although maybe not from Mr SchoolRun, now that these views are quite mainstream, who knows what he might be up to! It's nice to be held, isn't it?

Sunset guy turned out to be a comrade of your Mr SchoolRun! He has texted me today funny enough, his views aren't quite as bad maybe, but he's still very pro-altright, so romantic dates won't save him... But yes, stuff like that is lovely - and cheap/ free! So maybe the guys that are worried about running up an expensive cocktail tab should be creative to realise romantic doesn't mean expensive.

I wonder if some men just sit around in their house and are free to go with the flow whenever? In my experience women tend to have hobbies, chores and plans scheduled, friends/family to see, they're not usually sitting around in their pants waiting to see what happens, right?

Ok, brace yourself... Imagine a date where the person suggested the time of the date a few days in advance, and had maybe a week to plan a great first date, as over text he was not far from declaring his undying love.

Said person arranges the date in a rowdy pub (that ends up not even being open!) and turns up in an actual tracksuit. For some reason the woman, dressed to the 9s by the way, stays and the date ends with them drinking takeaway coffee in an actual service station car park.

Pretty sure this could go down as one of the most disastrous dates in the history of this thread? 😂

ElleintheWoods Haha, tracksuit. Mr School Run was in manky Grey jogging bottoms for our date (I'd only seen him in nice jeans, every day, before then!)

Yes, it's weird to imagine how these dates are supposed to happen, isn't it. If they really have nothing else to do with their time, they are also assuming that the date-ee is just sitting around twiddling their thumbs, hoping that somebody might invite them on a date?!

The date you described reminds me of that scene in Bridesmaids, where they are sat on his car bonnet sharing a bag of carrots

Was that what happened with Mr Red Flag Parade today?