Dating thread 52 - 2025. Springing into Spring

[oldernotwiserffs]

The Rules:
• The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
• Develop a thick skin.
• Do not invest emotionally too soon.
• It's all BS until it actually happens.
• Trust your gut instinct.
• People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your faulT.
• Know your wortH.
• If it's not fun, stop.
• Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread.
11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated
12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.
Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

The huge problem with misogyny that sewing grind in all of us is that we reward the bad boys and that makes the good boys think that they need to behave more like the dickhead not the other way around
This is definitely something as a collective women need to work on. We shouldn’t have to absolutely we shouldn’t have to.
But we do

I spent some time yesterday thinking about what I want out of my next relationship and came to the conclusion that I don’t want one! I suppose what I’m after is a situationship. I’ve spent the last 2 decades unhappily married and I now can’t think of anything worse than diving back in to a committed relationship. Now I’m not nervous about the date at all!

@Profpudding I agree but how do we work on that though? I spent my whole marriage asking DH to take on some of the mental load of the family and he never did, he just retreated to drink and his bed. My two DS are old enough to know why the marriage broke down. They saw my ex doing nothing but sleep with their own eyes. If nothing else they’re not going to do that to their partners

That was the most perfect first date. I didn't feel like going at all but once we got going felt so relaxed and he was such a gentleman

How did you get on Boy Mum? Was there any further planning?!?!

Oh that's great, CosmicScouser. Pleased for you! Have you arranged to meet again?

It was agreed that we will! Although I quite am busy next weekend so... I'll have to see when we can do it. But I will look forward to it... I liked him! Liked, actually.

How did you get on, did you go on a date at all?

That’s great @CosmicScouser, so you’ve heard from him since?

So I had such low expectations for my date yesterday, I almost didn’t turn up and basically only did as I figured I had nothing else on 🤣 However it was a big shock that actually it was an amazing date! When I ended the date he asked if I’d like to meet again and I said yes so I felt positive. Haven’t heard since though (24hrs ago) which normally is my sign that they aren’t THAT keen…I’ll give it another day and see if I hear from him 🤷‍♀️ Turns out he has adhd so said he’s terrible at planning (makes sense!), my son has adhd so I actually can understand that part of him. We will see if I hear from him…

Brilliant, justanotherboymum I'm glad that it went so well. Hopefully you hear from him soon!

@CosmicScouser we’re meeting up next Saturday, the delay is giving me too much time to overthink it! I’m glad your date went well!

@justanotherboymum I hope your hear something soon. I have a teen DS with adhd too, his communication can be quite sporadic. I have the benefit of pinging his phone when he forgets to reply 😂

@justanotherboymum oh that explains a couple of things!! Glad you had a nice time.

My MrWorkCrush had ADHD and it made his texting habits… a little unusual. So maybe the 24h thing doesn’t mean what you think it means.

Three main things from that experience:

• he’s forget to text sometimes. It was almost like whenever he had a reminder of me in front of him, eg someone mention my name, see an object that related to me, or actually see me pass, he’d immediately text. Either that or he’d realise we’d not spoken a few days, and text. But no texting ‘routine’ early on. But when he did text it was really good, and he could equally become a bit obsessive about the texting, ie text me for hours and forget anything else he had to do
• forgetting things. He forgot a couple of biiig things. But then I realised he also forgot his best mate’s birthday party and other things he really cared about, so…
• finding dates stressful. So, he actually revised for our first date. Reading all the old messages, googling where I live and grew up, making notes, making sure to not forget anything. I found out retrospectively and realised he cared more than I gave him credit for

Of course not everyone is the same, but these things really surprised me, as I’d never dated anyone with ADHD before. They were still a little tricky, as you can’t tell whether they just don’t care sometimes, but it’s an interesting topic to try understand.

@0TheFool Can you elaborate on the sporadic?

And a date with no pressure sounds great!

I’m at a stage where I’d be open to a relationship, but only someone properly special. I just struggle to ‘give’ much to someone that I’m not secretly developing feelings for. Especially if you describe a situation like yours, a partner often doesn’t ‘add’.

Are you actually happy to put up with that for the rest of your life?
Sounds like hard work

Thanks @ElleintheWoods that’s helpful and sounds a lot like him (he said my name is his nieces name which he was glad of as easier to remember and kept apologising that he couldn’t remember my kids names..which was fine!) That’s good to know about the texting. My friend thinks I should message him but I don’t know , that’s not my style. Equally though I’d like to know one way or the other whether I’m going to see him again, I don’t mind if he doesn’t but I find not knowing where I stand anxiety-inducing (I definitely have anxious attachment which I’m trying to work on!)

@Profpuddingthats a good question!! I probably would be much less tolerant of it if I didn’t have a son with adhd so do feel like I can understand and sympathise a bit more than others. It was a really good date so I suppose the answer is he’d have to continue having reeeally good dates and being worth it

You don’t need another child though you need some support and love and Sexiness in your life.
It would be very easy to fall into the trap of being understanding and tolerant because of a completely different type of relationship that you’ve got with your son
I’ve seen it before whether you almost become a mother figure. And then he dumped her because he didn’t want shag his mother 🤦‍♀️

@Profpudding Ufff good question. The thing is, nobody’s perfect, so everyone has something. He was really sincere and loving, absolutely no games. Hot. In fact very hot. Amazing with his family and friends. And I just felt that peace around him, like I didn’t have to be anything other than myself.

But a couple of people certainly questioned how it would work. One of the girls that knew him said ‘are you looking for a partner or adopted child?’ To be honest though I now think that woman is quite toxic and sees the worst in everyone.

I imagine that has it worked out, I’d have had a lot of mental load, ie keeping track of deadlines, bills. But also someone that would have been sincere, not strategic. And did I mention hot?

Absolutely. I've dated 2 guys with ADHD and I absolutely would never do it again

I agree with you (in fact I very much like what you say). My DW is ND. It does mean adjustments and lots of mental load but she appreciates what I do and does the things she's good at. It's nice doing things for people who show their appreciation.

@justanotherboymum personally ive dated several men inadvertently who are ND and it's always had it's big downsides despite me being very attracted to their quirky personalities/the fact that they are very different to a typical blokey bloke. I find myself naturally veering towards being the organised one and taking care of things however the trouble happens when you need the support yourself. It might be easier for you because you already have a child who has ADHD so in a way you'd be used to this type of thing. I think my post is more for those who are autistic rather than ADHD and i would now run a mile before i did it again.

Very useful to hear others perspectives. Lesson learnt today, I definitely need someone who is a good communicator. I messaged him this morning asking if he’d like to meet up again. Read but no reply. So rude, I don’t mind if he doesn’t want to, but why not reply and say that (particularly as at the end of the date he asked me if I’d like to meet again). I am always polite if I’m not keen after a date so dodged a bullet really as shows character!

It’s painful he was constantly apologising

I’m glad you do.

How long have you been married? What’s different about the division of roles, do you feel like you have to take certain things on more?

Was she open about this early on and did you have any reservations/ misunderstandings?

With the guy I dated, I didn’t realise he was different in any way until after we split. Other people knew though and tried to tell me, but far too subtly. But some behaviours seemed so confusing without the ND context, just seemed so hot and cold. He’d drop all his duties to be with me and stay for much longer than expected, he seemed so obsessed and hyper focused on me, but then when I was away, he’d make much less contact. Or he’d not do something but then apologise so profusely you’d have no doubt he cared. If he’d have been open about ADHD I think it could have been different, as I was genuinely offended a couple of times, and he spoke to me a number of times after splitting saying ‘I’m sorry if I hurt you or offended you, I never meant to, I just tend to’.

He was super close to family, I guess maybe they looked out for him a bit more than usual family does. He was however really bad at paying household bills/ remembering important dates or deadlines. And really spontaneous with his spending, eg wouldn’t think much of spending a week’s wages at the drop of a hat. I thought it was fun and spontaneous at first but then I figured ‘addictive behaviours’.

I clearly still think about him a lot. Probably more so because we really cared about each other as people and I’d really like him to be happy with a lovely, supportive partner, but I’m unsure if he sees that as something that’s possible as his general attitude is ‘they won’t be interested after they find out what I’m like’. Probably the one guy from my past who I haven’t psychologically figured out yet, and to be honest that still bugs me.

We've been married over two decades. She wasn't aware of it when we met but she was quirky like many ND people are and I liked that. It's hard to say how we've divided labour because for me it's been more like desperately resolving chaos everywhere I look. Anything needing a lot of organisation I do have to do or it doesn't happen.

What you say about the apologies, and the disillusionment about other people is something I definitely recognise. It's very sad. I feel very protective of her, but I also have, and need, friends I can confide in.

There's a great deal more I could say but I don't want to derail the thread!

@ElleintheWoods @TomPinch I would say that women are often able to mask better than men, so you can't always tell. Those couples I know where the women are ND, she ends up highly able then trying to juggle everything and almost overcompensates. The man then ends up taking the role of looking after her only when she needs a bit of support, kindve able to swoop in and fix. Where the man is ND, they seem to not be able to cope as much, especially with big issues say having kids so you're almost having to deal with your own issues plus him too. Its like dating a disorganised big kid. Its great when you're at the initial stages of dating but tough later on. You only have to look at the longest threads here that all talk about this stuff.

Absolutely

Very fun, but unable to be counted on in your times of need.

Although they still try. And so you end up thanking them for their efforts to make them feel better, even though it's YOUR hour of need.

You just end up considering their feelings all the time. And when you point out to them that actually they were a bit hopeless in scenario X they fall apart crying like a 5 year old and so once again you end up making sure THEYRE ok.

It ends up all about them. Sod that