Dating thread 52 - 2025. Springing into Spring

[oldernotwiserffs]

The Rules:
• The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
• Develop a thick skin.
• Do not invest emotionally too soon.
• It's all BS until it actually happens.
• Trust your gut instinct.
• People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your faulT.
• Know your wortH.
• If it's not fun, stop.
• Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread.
11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated
12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.
Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

Oh that's sad, TwistedWonder Poor man how did you find out? Strange emotions for you right now, I imagine.

We had a few mutuals due to both being really into the same music.

One of the DJ’s I follow posted a photo of them together on FB today and that’s how I found out,

Its funny because he was always one that I thought about and wondered if I did wrong thing cancelling our date.

TwistedWonder I see. That's a sad Situation, It must be such a shock to you. Be kind to yourself

@TwistedWonder you’ll be wondering for sure now but please try not to feel bad. Sometimes things just happen…

Would you date a work colleague’s younger relative? Asking for a friend 😉

Hello, can I join please? I’m newly divorced after 20 years, but the relationship has been over for long time… put it this was I haven’t had sex this decade! I’m early 40s and not really wanting anything serious yet. I work full time and have sole custody of 3 teenagers. We moved to the UK from overseas a few years ago and due to DC age I’ve only got a handful of local friends, so I think dating apps are the way to go? Which apps do you recommend? I haven’t got many recent photos, what photos do I need? I’m slightly terrified

@0TheFool0TheFool
Photos are absolutely essential. Depends what you’re looking for really if you’re just let’s be honest wanting sex and somebody to go to dinner in the cinema with somewhere like Tinder or Bumble is not the worst idea. There’s lots and lots of people on there, Most of them don’t want anything serious, no matter what they say.
That would be a good place to dip your toe in the water

thanks @Profpudding!

@0TheFool I was in a similar situation a few years ago and did dating apps for a bit.

I’m not sure they are the way to go. If your kids are teens, I assume they’re fairly self sufficient and you can go out of the house without them etc?

I’d say do things. Remember the person that you are/ were, walk, do sports, dance, go to the pub, enjoy yourself, find yourself and your confidence again. Relationships/ family bizarrely seem to destroy women’s self-esteem and they don’t see how fabulous they are. I didn’t.

You say you’re terrified and I’m not sure that’s a good place to start dating from. Warm up first, let some guys chat you up, get a feeling you’ve still got it and find your self worth. If you start looking for a relationship from a place of insecurity, you’re likely to either settle or meet some truly awful that treats you badly but you may not see it.

People I met on dating apps were the most mentally broken guys with the biggest skeletons in the closet I’d ever met. And I counsel men part-time, so that says a lot.

I’m looking back to my first proper single year and the guys I went out with a think ‘how the hell did I even look at this person twice? WTAF?’

Remember those heady days in your 20s dancing the night away with a hot stranger? That’s basically your 40s, but with better fashion, confidence and inner peace.

For starters, why don’t you change your social media profile pic to a stunning selfie and let the compliments flow in? And maybe a few DMs from men you already know and maybe secretly fancied in the past who are now also in the ‘divorced’ boat?

Thanks @ElleintheWoods I wouldn’t say I’m in the market for a relationship just yet, but I definitely don’t want to hang out with emotionally broken men either! You’re so right about self esteem, you vanish into life admin, work and parenting and forget who you are. I’ve taken your advice about social media and will try to get out more. The DCs are definitely self sufficient now so that helps

@0TheFool I’m not saying all the guys in dating apps are wrong ones, some people definitely meet their partners etc that way. I met one guy that I’m still friends with.

I’d say I have a good filter, ie I’ve never been treated badly by a dating app stranger and dates have been enjoyable enough, and these have been guys who by society’s standards would be considered desirable, but nevertheless, the list:

• 1x lovebomber
• 1x doesn’t see his kids, borderline lovebomber (invited to meet his mum 3 dates in)
• 2x alcoholics (drunk or hungover all weekend)
• 2x deeply depressed/ borderline suicidal
• 1x drug user
• 1x exhibitionist

I believe that’s everybody! I repeat that all these men have been socially totally functional, nice-looking and good company, but…

IMO many men use online dating as a plaster instead of curing something deeper. If they drown their problems into a pint, finding a woman isn’t going to make it better, but they often believe finding a partner is an answer to all their problems.

Totally get you… You vanish into everyday life, you become ‘mum’ and ‘wife’ and forget what it felt like to put a red dress on Saturday night, or meet for a drink with old friends Sunday afternoon.

To be honest one thing that helped me was a fair few men coming out of the woodworks going ‘I always had a crush on you, you’re amazing, I can’t believe you don’t see it yourself’.

Oh and meeting more women that are on the same page, doing things I didn’t do when I was with my ex like theatre etc, trips… Just getting chatting to people with similar interests and growing social confidence is very nice in itself, it gets you out of the ‘home’ headspace and into a more social mindset.

In summary though, regardless of whether for a relationship or a bit of fun, I prefer the men I meet IRL. They’re active, plan stuff for themselves, not a passenger in their own life, have own friends, and more similar to me. And there’s just something electric about dancing with someone, maybe having a chat outside, and a hot unplanned kiss.

Absolutely love this post so spot on about men on the apps. I had one guy say I'd make a man of him and I questioned him and said that's you're job not mine though.

Needless to say I don't talk to him anymore.

Hmmm yes sounds like they expect to be fixed and their life sorted out for them…

I completely love men, don’t get me wrong, but being someone’s replacement mother figure is not what I’m looking for. In fact, this week I’ve figured out that most of all I want passion and heat, the rest is an add-on as I don’t think I have any other unfulfilled needs. Basically they need to be hot, passionate, and with a balanced mind, not asking to be rescued.

The more I talk to men, the more it becomes apparent that after 35 or so, the ‘relationship stuff’ becomes far more important to them. Someone to talk to, share their life with etc.

How’s your dating life been since?

@ElleintheWoods your list perfectly describes my ex husband, he’s all of those guys rolled up into one, including being a passenger in his life and expecting a relationship to fix it. He’s already on the apps. He signed up before he walked out the door! That in itself is enough to put me off. Thanks for the advice, I’m feeling a bit wobbly and your advice has been very comforting

@0TheFool I’m glad 😊 Sending hugs.

Oh wow! Sounds like you’re glad to be out?

That’s another thing I’ve noticed, men get on the apps the moment they’re dumped. Are they ready to be a decent match for someone at this point in time? Well, no, they’ll act all kinds of flakey, pull out of dates, turn down decent women etc etc. They’ll act erratic and all over the place.

You’ll be absolutely fine. And don’t be afraid to pamper yourself a little, even if it’s a new haircut for the new chapter. What makes you feel happy and wholesome?

Hi all, I'm just joining the thread. Just read the rules and the last 2 pages to get up to speed. Some interesting posts, that's for sure...!

I've been really busy lately working a lot. But I managed a tiny bit of time for Tinder.

This is after being let down by a 5yr relationship with a guy who talked the talk but wouldn't walk the walk and then complained I was working too much and he didn't feel like a priority..! Cheeky of him.

I'm a 37 year old woman, never married, no kids (not fussed on having any, but would maybe like to get married if I meet the right man).

I matched with a guy, Richard, he's 44, never married, no kids, lives about 15 miles from me.

Matched about 1 month ago, progressed to WhatsApp. Have texted each other most days but not excessively. It feels relaxed, without any doubts of him being interested in pursuing me.

So far, he's done everything 'right'. You know? I've got a good feeling, and I fancy him on his photos.

We're meeting this weekend. He has planned a thoughtful date. Cute!

Watch this space...

Good luck all x

That sounds just what you need right now

@CosmicScouser let us know how you get on this weekend, he sounds promising!

So under a bit of peer pressure and after 2 glasses of red I signed up to tinder and found it quite overwhelming. I swiped right on 3 men, two clearly wanted an instant hookup and the other one has been very sweet and normal. We’re both at similar life stages (busy jobs and parenting). We’re meeting next weekend during the day, I’m a mix of extreme nerves, looking forward to it and trying not to get too invested. Is this normal?!

Also just wanted to add that I know your advice was to steer clear @ElleintheWoods and I can definitely see why, if things fizzle out with this guy I’m just going to delete the app and revert to real life introductions. I can see it’s a minefield for someone who’s a bit fragile!

0TheFool Haha, the wait for the first date, try not to turn all Bridget Jones & start planning your wedding in your head

CosmicScouser Sounds good, fingers crossed!

@0TheFool never any harm in dipping your toe in and seeing what’s out there! Going on dates may feel like a big deal initially if you’ve not done it for a while, and might be nice to get a feel for it again.

I just remembered for myself, the first guy I met, I instantly got very into it! Did help that he had a lot of similar interests and lived in a mansion, and totally love bombed me 🤣 He seemed like ‘the one’ for a short while!

As long as you stay grounded and remember that for most people it’s just game/ a bit of fun, you’ll be fine 😊 Also nice if you’ve got some supportive friends around you

Did you generally find like there were guys you could see yourself dating on Tinder, or mostly just went ‘oh dear god, is that what’s out there’?

@NervesOfCotton haha! Although it’s more panic that he’ll be disappointed, ugh!

@ElleintheWoods it was a mix really, lots of them looked nice but not someone I’d date What it made me realise is that appearance is such a tiny piece of what makes someone attractive to me. But it’s all you’ve got to go on in an app! The guy I’m meeting made it clear on his profile that he didn’t want to do endless messaging and prefers to meet up early on. We spoke a bit about the recency of my divorce. When he suggested we meet up he said he’d also be fine if I wanted to continue messaging for a bit longer instead. Green flag!

@CosmicScouser and @0TheFool good luck for your first dates! I’ve done a few first dates from online dating now but still always feel a bit nervous/awkward as it feels kinda like a blind date to me. In my experience you just have no idea until you meet the person as some seem perfect but then when you meet there’s no chemistry. Fingers crossed for good dates for you!

I have a date tonight (last guy I went on 6 dates with it never progressed and he stopped messaging me when I asked if he saw me as more than a friend!!). I’m not sure about this guy but giving it one last shot and then deleting the app for a few months and just be happy single. Slight red flag though in that it’s taken him a while to pin down where we are actually meeting tonight and then when I asked what time suits him he replied with ‘I’ll let you know my ETA when I set off’ (he’s travelling more my way). Guess I’ll just be ready early then 🤦‍♀️

Oh I wouldn't be happy with that, justanotherboymum I wouldn't want to have to sit there 'ready'. I do hope that it works out for you though!

0TheFool I've not had a date for a while, but I do remember the nerves.

@justanotherboymum Oh god, why are some men so useless at planning dates! Should we create a manual given to every boy at school after their GCSEs with simple advice such as 'have a plan', 'stick to timings', 'follow through' and 'text enthusiastically or don't bother' 😆

Been out with an old boyfriend as friends recently and everything just reminded me why it never worked... 'dunno, what do you wanna do' 'dunno, thought you had a plan' 'what time were you thinking' 'oh no I can't do that' (without suggesting an alternative). Had I not been madly in love with him, we probably wouldn't have got to a first date!

I felt so tempted to say 'darling, men that look like they walked out of a perfume ad buy a flight ticket to have a coffee in a terminal with me for an hour during my layover, I suggest with the next woman you like, you develop some game...' 😁Thankfully I resisted!! I do love him dearly but he's far too shy and passive.

Anyway, I digress, hope your date materialises and goes well!!

In my opinion, men are like dogs they need training
if they’re a good boy and they open the doors for you and they plan a nice date and they pay for your drink and tell you you look lovely they get a treat
And that’s the pattern that you want to develop. I’ll let you know when I’m 15 minutes away. I don’t fucking think so buddy.

And the trouble is, if that’s how it starts it isn’t going to get better