Dating thread 52 - 2025. Springing into Spring

[oldernotwiserffs]

The Rules:
• The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
• Develop a thick skin.
• Do not invest emotionally too soon.
• It's all BS until it actually happens.
• Trust your gut instinct.
• People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your faulT.
• Know your wortH.
• If it's not fun, stop.
• Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread.
11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated
12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.
Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

Hello, can I join? i am actually a brit living in Denmark, and navigating the Danish dating scene again after a couple of years break! I had a baby by myself via a donor (gay friend) who is nearly 1, and a couple of months ago decided i was ready to dip my toe into dating.

I totally agree with what you said about the dating vibes and it being equal @ElleintheWoods. I actually really tend to find myself more drawn to Danish men than internationals here, maybe because i have chose to settle here so it makes me feel a bit more grounded having a Danish boyfriend. I had a lovely first date with Mr Writer yesterday, and he messaged this morning for a second date so feeling optimistic :)

I would have an issue with someone actively looking for other partners (whether same-sex or opposite-sex) whilst in a relationship, but if a man previously had a relationship with another man before starting it with me I wouldn't take any issue with it.

Are you assuming that a bisexual is always going to cheat with a same-sex partner at some point?

I was on the other side of the coin when I was online dating. I am bisexual and my previous long term partner was a woman but there was no way on god's earth I was going to put that on my profile. I was receiving too many sleazy messages as it was. I just left my sexual orientation blank.

If past relationships were brought up prior to meeting or when meeting I would mention it. Most people were fine with it, except one man who actually became quite angry that it hadn't been on my profile. He had a massive problem with it (but we had never discussed past relationships pre meeting, I told him when he asked on the first date). I don't see it as something that you need to give a trigger warning about tbh. As long as you are not being deceitful.

There is no much stigma against bisexuality, from women/lesbians too - even more so towards bisexual men. I can absolutely see why someone wouldn't want to announce it on a mainstream dating site.

When I thought about the answer to ‘would I date a bisexual man’ the answer was a straightforward ‘no’.

But I can’t put my finger on the reasons.

It might be because I feel that bisexual men have more sexual partners on average, therefore increasing the risk of an STI, but if they’re using protection it shouldn’t matter.

Or maybe it’s because I feel he might be missing a fundamental part of his life if he’s not having sex with a man while he’s with me, but again, same goes the other way, he’s missing out on a fundamental part of himself if he’s with a man.

Maybe I feel it’s just adding a layer of complication, a layer that other hetero men won’t have? Is it like saying you’d prefer a man with no kids because it’s easier, but if you meet a man with three kids and you become a step mum it isn’t necessarily complicated?

So, I’m not sure.

I think I might feel uneasy if I felt he might get tempted to cheat, but are gay/bi men more likely to cheat? I have read many times that they often have a different attitude to fidelity, and see sex as a purely physical thing and don’t see it as cheating in the same way I would. If I was with a completely faithful man I don’t think I’d have those worries.

Just pondering really.

It’s a sexual preference like any other, surely? And sexual preferences are one thing that cannot be policed so you don’t need a reason.

However, if I were to ponder out loud like PP, it would be because in my experience men who have sex with other men (whether gay or bisexual) take more sexual risks and are less likely to have a strong preference for monogamy, as I do. This is based on my experience and not something that applies for every man who is sexually attracted to men, of course.

It's as much as a sexual preference as "No Tories".

I defend people’s right to choose not to have sex with someone who has right-wing political views.

Sexual preferences can never be policed.

Agree. We are all allowed a choice in who we choose to have sex with.

There’s certain physical types that don’t appeal to me at all. And men whose views on life I find off putting - that’s one thing h none of us should compromise or judge on.

Tell me, is it worth it? I’m 57 and not being a narc by saying I look younger, am in good shape for my age, make an effort in my appearance, educated, great career, own house and car, older/grown up kids, kind to others and funny (at least to me), a reasonable social life although I have realised I have quite a few friends who aren’t that kind or supportive. One criticises my appearance every time I see her. Another just talks about her problems constantly (even though mine are similar such as family needs) but I never get a word in and am just used as a free counsellor, another “forgets” plans I’ve gone to an effort to make and last minute I have to cancel reservations and have missed out on other opportunities. I’m not not really cared about.

I just don’t get many matches and no dates on OLD. The ones who like me are really awful (not being judgemental but the hard pouting men in mirror shades who can’t string two words together) and the ones I like don’t respond. The ones I do rarely match with don’t message even if I message first.

Do they just like swiping left and right like a rating game on their phone?

So all in all just feeling a bit let down by the lack of genuine relationships in my life.

Oh, cool, how long have you been there? Copenhagen or a smaller place?

Do you find that there are many cultural differences on the dating scene?

Thought this was hilarious about the reality of Scandi dating: s

2:38 cracked me up, such a typical Scandi guy:
"What do you think about inviting a woman to a restaurant for a first date and paying?"
Man: "Could be..."
"Ok, and have you done that before?"
Man: "No..."

@OnlyHasEyesForLoki I'm sorry you're having that experience. I can't speak for your age group but I'm just thinking, perhaps the people around that age looking to date seriously is tiny? I know only one man around that age that's maybe, possibly looking to date, the rest gave up at 45 and are just too comfortable in their own company. Putting yourself out there is a risk many don't want to take anymore.

And yes, online swiping is literally the gamification of dating. I'd say most people just see others on it as cards to be reshuffled and picked/dropped, or similar.

You sound like you have a lot going on but maybe aren't moving in the circles that match who you are. I'd say pursue more of the things you love solo, e.g. cultural events, work related stuff, join some regular in-person activities.

You're likely to meet more likeminded people that way.

As an example, I have made a new best friend at the grand old age of 35 who I click with way better than my other friends, we became close as we realised over time we liked similar activities and seemed like nobody else our age wanted to join them, but personalities very aligned as well. Now we chatter like teen girls and meet several times a week 😇We're both 'a lot' and we found each other. Would we have matched on an app? Unlikely.

@Crushed23 Car show sounds exciting, actually! I know what you mean about different worlds. Even dating someone from a different nationality/ culture can be exciting. You can roleplay that you're in a F&F film, haha. That's actually something I really enjoy too, getting to know someone whose hobbies and interests are really different to mine.

Random but as a car guy, is he highly organised at home, and very clean? 😇

Enoy the weekend!!

I think based on my experience I'm unsure if such a thing as a 'dominant man' exists 😂 I've had people who might be portrayed as 'the ultimate alpha male' 🤮, CEO types, fall apart in my office or call me at 11pm several nights in a row rambling about not knowing what to do with their lives, and all the pressures they can't cope with.

Dated one guy who was more 'on it', quite capable organising dates, sorting Ubers, coming up with good plans, choosing good restaurants etc. Over maybe 8 weeks though he:
a) very quickly unravelled (fair enough, we have established men need a lot of emotional support and it's hard to find)
b) annoyed me as he was quite self-important and I felt like a side character
c) had a lot of strong opinions and generally seemed to thrive on feeling superior to others, which I find is a super common trait in 'confident' men, fragile self-esteem and seeking reassurance

Another guy who was quite dominant in ways, e.g. insisted on cooking for me, sorted all my DIY out, planned hotel weekends etc... Again, just annoyed me, I felt like a child with someone else making decisions for me.

My only conclusion is that I'm an independent and controlling person (though not possesive or jealous in any way) and if someone tries to compete with me over control of what I do and how I live as part of a couple, it's not a relationship dynamic that suits me, personally.

My ex even told me 'everything has to be done your way, your choices, your preferences!' And he was right to be fair. I'm easy-going day to day but if I feel like someone is steering my life, that puts me off. Someone buying me clothes, trying to change me, or implying what I should like/enjoy is my biggest nightmare.

I don't consider it a sexual preference, I consider it a personal preference.

People are fine to have them, but there are no physical differences between a heterosexual and bisexual man and no physical differences between right wing and left wing men.

Therefore on a dating app, which is very visual you'd be sexually attracted to the image, but know that personality wise you'd not get on.

Sexual attraction is far more than just image. A voice can be sexy, how one conducts themselves, intelligence etc. I can see a photo of a hot man on OLD and then read a really inane profile riddled with spelling and grammar errors and lose my hard-on immediately, so to speak. Likewise I can appreciate someone is physically attractive but then lose any sexual attraction after reading that they are bisexual/gay. It’s really not as simple as “I find this guy hot to look at, but we have opposing political views therefore won’t get on, so I am not going to have sex with him”. It’s far more visceral than that.

🤯🤯🤯

I’m going to suggest that however you found out, you are very fortunate. Very fortunate indeed.

I need rational thoughts please
seeing for 4 months now
once a week initially
sex on third date - appalling- not the be all and end all though so not really bothered
then hes away for a few weeks
random texts/photos etc
meet up the first day he gets back, very quick drink and conveniently he needs a lift to his car which on my way, I said it’s not because I think that he deliberately met me to save himself a taxi fayre, But equally it was incredibly well timed for him and cancelled out. My initial oooh isn’t that lovely He’s met up with me the minute he’s got off the plane thoughts.
Since - 3 weeks ago, I’ve seen him once but the texts aren’t really picking up. It’s very much a good morning. Hope you have a good day. Good evening. How was your day? Which to be honest with you? I don’t really have a lot to share. I went to work. I did the School run, It’s very surface level if that makes sense?
I just don’t know how long I’m prepared to tolerate this for am I being a monster?
He’s a genuinely nice person

@gettingbetter33 oh wow that is incredibly good luck that you found out and didn’t waste any time on him. Onto the next one!

@Profpuddingthat doesn’t sound like something I’d be happy with, I’d expect a lot more in 4 months. I’d definitely want much more than surface level, more effort and the sex also isn’t good…definitely not worth your time.

So I had my day date today, spent 5.5hrs with him which I think is so long for a 4th date right! Really enjoyed it and he said he wanted to continue so we are going out for dinner tonight too 😱 It’s early days but I enjoy chatting with him and had a proper kiss at the end of todays date so we are moving past the friendship zone!

@Profpudding

Sorry but I’d expect far more effort from a man after a few months so in your shoes it would be a ‘this isn’t working I wish you well’ text

@ElleintheWoodsim in Copenhagen, been here for 5 years now. Haha that video resonates with me! I think I probably have more experience of dating here than in the U.K. now, but definitely that men just don’t approach you so meeting in real life here is super hard. I also quite like the equality in paying on a date and just each paying our own way, it makes me feel like I don’t owe them anything if I don’t want to see them again. I’ve got a second date with Mr Writer on Tuesday, I’m pretty excited for it

@justanotherboymumthat sounds super exciting! Sorry I can’t fully catch up with the thread but is this someone from online dating? How do you find dating with kids? That’s something I am now navigating, very different to how I used to date

There was a woman in the video who said she hadn’t ever been on a date. I was thinking I actually don’t like dates.

Things that I do love are meeting for a coffee, accompanying someone to a shop to buy food/paint etc, a walk in the park, a visit to a garden centre to buy a plant etc. I’m happier if it’s just your daily stuff.

Need to do some returns at ikea? I’ll come with you!

Want to check out the new wine bar? I’m not interested.

This is a problem isn’t it?

@Profpudding it sounds like you really don’t enjoy this and aren’t getting anything out of this relationship, your attitude to him sounds resentful already and you’re not even 10 years married. I don’t see any excitement from either side. Also - appalling sex? Just no, why are you putting yourself through this? A relationship is supposed to add to your life, not be something you put up with and suffer through!

@orzo Tell us more about Mr Writer, how did you meet?

@ThisIsMyYearToFindMyself No I don’t think so, do you have to change yourself to fit in? Well, they wouldn’t be getting to know the real you though, would they?

Coffee is good. Walk in the park is good. Both are feasible dates, right? Would you go for a meal though/ do you enjoy eating? sports activities? Or do you exclusively do IKEA? (Which actually sounds like a fun date!)

I went on a few dates with a guy that took me house shopping as that’s what he was doing. And to scout certain shops in town as he was applying for a job. I’ve also gone car shopping with a date as he knew lots about cars.

@ElleintheWoods well the real me is relaxed, casual, low stress, not fancy. My ideal guy is the same. I don’t particularly want anyone to dress up, clean jeans, T-shirt, hoodie, trainers is perfect. Just be clean, that’s all.

I’m also fine to go for a meal, but I would sit there feeling it’s a bit of a waste on a new date, I would want to feel comfortable with someone before a fancy meal, not do it with a stranger.

House hunting? Perfect! Look at shops he might be applying for jobs in? Also perfect! Car shopping? Erm, that’s okay I guess 😁. But anything like that is just more of a preference to me than putting on a dress I haven’t worn for a year, fannying about with makeup and sitting surrounded by other diners. It’s not the food, I’d happily get a toasted sandwich in a coffee shop or sit on a park bench with a jacket potato. It’s the dress up, formality that I’m not into. Then you or he decides it’s a no, and you’ve got to do it again with someone else.

I think I just have to make this clear in my profile and filter at the talking stage. I’ve been lucky so far, I’ve had very casual dates, but most of them were during the in and out of Covid restrictions times. So there was a limited amount of things we were able to do, and ‘coffee in the park’ kind of became a lovely default option.

Plus I’m mid fifties, and a lot of men are really fixed about what they do on dates. Just like me I guess.

@ThisIsMyYearToFindMyself Do people actually get glammed up for first dates?

Thinking back to any first dates I’ve been on in the last year or so, it’s always been either jeans and a winter jacket, or even leggings. Leggings with a trench for a daytime coffee for example.

I’m a VERY dressy person generally and love fashion, but for a first date I’ve always gone for the ‘just woke up like this’ Kate Moss sort of look. Simple, basic. It’s usually been meeting in a coffee shop or walking, and usually there’s been a 2nd date.

Then again I date in the north and usually guys that are into outdoorsy things/ a little rural.

Just feels a bit much to me to make an effort for someone I don’t know, in terms of dressing up and doing my hair for them. My general day to day grooming is very good though so I don’t look a mess, just casual.

I did get dressed up for a date recently and the guy seemed super nervous, so…

Would you make significantly more effort than usual for a first date? Is that expected?

@ElleintheWoods we met through OLD, I would say given how little men approach you here that’s basically the only way I meet people! He is Danish, a writer obviously, and so far seems sweet and funny.

i am really trying not to get too invested too early though, I made a classic mistake a couple months ago of talking to someone for a month who I had a great first date with but in hingsight was a bit love-bomby, and after saying he wanted to meet again and was so lucky to have met me then a few days later very swiftly met someone else. But this guy so far seems nice and I’m quietly positive about it