Dating thread 52 - 2025. Springing into Spring

[oldernotwiserffs]

The Rules:
• The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
• Develop a thick skin.
• Do not invest emotionally too soon.
• It's all BS until it actually happens.
• Trust your gut instinct.
• People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your faulT.
• Know your wortH.
• If it's not fun, stop.
• Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread.
11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated
12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.
Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

Event in Italy last wk, seated 1 place away from delightful lady, we get on really well, bit flirty but it's all cut a bit short at the event & no numbers exchanged, but an I hope I see you at next year's one,

Agggh!

Oh, CallmePaul That started so positively! How disappointing.

justanotherboymum Sounds good! I'm glad that it's going well so far.

I'm not dating (am in a LTR with myself!) so just dropped by and read the first & last pages. What a minefield - and I'd like to thank you all for your vivid tales! @Thatsthebottomline, you absolutely cracked me up. If you ever decide to risk it again, I hope you meet people who can appreciate and reciprocate your wit.

@ElleintheWoods yes this was the dinner date guy, we did go for dinner on Friday, it went really well, little kiss at the end. Probably the best dates I’ve had in a very long time so I’m very keen. However, I’m holding back as I’m not sure he’s ready or as keen. Since our date on Friday, he’s messaged daily but not organised another date….is that unusual? In my limited experience men have been keen to set up another date asap 🤔 I think I should keep chatting to others and keep my options open with this one!

How long to wait for a date to be arranged before you give up?!

I was just looking at the BBC news website and came across a photo of her, and it made me realise I have real trouble separating looks from personality. I also think she’s gorgeous, but that’s because I’ve seen/heard her in a few things and she comes across as pretty wonderful (slight crush going on here) but if I didn’t like her personality would I think she’s gorgeous? Probably not. For me, this is the big letdown with apps, you’re swiping on a flat picture, not a rounded personality.

Also, this Raya app, is it for famous people only? Must be weird swiping people you’ve seen on telly!

I just blunder along and suggest another one without appreciating the finer points like @justanotherboymum ”I’m holding back as I’m not sure he’s ready or as keen”!

Decided to download Feeld out of sheer curiosity. There are so many men on there from other dating apps, which is fair enough, but who’ve put their sexual orientation as bi / bi-curious/ pan/ heteroflexible etc where as on the other apps they’ve put down straight.

am I the only one who believes in full transparency when it comes to this ?

@NervesOfCotton emphasis on 'seem to' know what I'm looking for!! I can't operate off a checklist I'm afraid. Ultimately what I want is to be sat next to a guy and feel like I wouldn't want to be anywhere else, nor for the moment to end, and like I can just be myself as opposed to putting on a show. 2 guys I have felt like this with in the last 5 years and both were not good matches on paper, as not to say red flag galore 😇Just can't get excited off the back of 'it makes sense to date this person' I'm afraid...

@CallmePaul can't you look her up on LinkedIn/ attendee list? At least to have her name and now a bit about her?

@justanotherboymum where is this guy actually from then? Southern Europe, Northern Europe, somewhere else? This may give some clue to his behaviour... E.g. if Northern Europe then he'd probably expect the woman to step up at some point and ask him, otherwise he'd assume she isn't interested. Whereas southern European would always lead, as a general rule, I'd say.

Men are strange creatures... Tbh I've only ever dated one that's been purposefully and proactively arranging dates one after another. But then again I have learned that my preferred type is someone more passive, and I prefer to be in control a lot of the time, especially if the other person is not superb date organiser, so i may not be the most representative.

Also I'd say if he's a Bumble guy (is he?), those may not be as proactive as some others.

Daily messaging good sign though, maybe he just wants to to slow down a bit after a few good dates in quick succession? I know people on the internet say that men do whatever to get to sex quickly, but again, not my exeperience with guys 35+ that are worth bothering with/ who want more than only sex.

I think one of mine is STILL kind of trying to get to sex one year after first date but doesn't seem to know how!! 😇

ElleintheWoods I know what you mean. I.always say that I have a kind of a checklist in my head but I regularly ignore it!

ThisIsMyYearToFindMyself My understanding is that Raya is very selective so you don't technically have to be famous but you have to work within that industry. The 'celebs' (who knows if it's actually them) who I've seen on Bumble etc generally have something on their bio 'You possibly recognise me' etc. & when I Google them, they are people from Xfactor etc.

The one who I swiped on the other day, I know exactly who he is as I had a major crush on him as a teen & he's still gorgeous! It's probably just as well that he didn't swipe back as I expect I'd have come over all star struck & wouldn't have been able to speak

@gettingbetter33 that’s slightly worrying, absolutely they should be transparent!

@ElleintheWoods so you sometimes plan dates yourself? I suppose I always assumed men like to chase. He did end up organising a date (a long one…daytime and dinner 😱) so I’m assuming that’s just his style. I am more a planner and what with having kids my child free time gets booked up!

Whoa @NervesOfCotton you’re on Raya!? Wow! Can you say anything more? Is it worldwide? How many people on it? Does everyone behave themselves as there’s obviously no anonymity there? When you say ‘work within that industry’ does that include cameramen, scriptwriters, managers, that kind of thing? I’m assuming ‘that industry’ is tv, film, singers, presenters etc?

@justanotherboymum Erm yeah I'm probably planning dates more often than the other person if I'm dating someone. Largely because I always have a long list of events/places I want to visit, so it's basically 'I want to do x on Sunday, are you free?' I don't like doing 'random' things sucked out of a pen just to go on a date if that makes sense, eg going to some random bar just to hang out with someone, I want both the activity and the person be meaningful. Also men often don't socialise much in their spare time, so they may lack good ideas. Do I sound controlling yet/ is it obvious why I'm single? 😉

I also take 'dating' very casually, it's more about spending time with someone and getting to know them, I don't tend to kiss on dates for example.

On a serious note I think that's a big difference between UK and Scandi dating culture, and I'm finding it hard to shake off the Dane in me, still! This writer has put it well:

“In many parts of the world, the man is expected to chase and seduce the woman, while the woman holds back on sex because that’s the way to get commitment. Scandinavian women don’t think that way. [...] The man is not expected to lead or plan the dates; it’s an equal job."

That's why I asked where he was from, for example with a Scandi/ German guy, I would say if the woman doesn't lead at any point, they're likely going to read that she isn't interested.

Whereas in Mediterranean cultures men are really full-on.

But yes overall I'd say leaving a man to chase probably yields best results. Or dunno, what does everyone else think? Should he organise all the dates and does he lose interest if the woman shows clear interest?

The guys I never contact as I'm not interested in them sure message me a lot 😂So leaving them to chase clearly works!

It's just that when I'm actually interested in a man, I'm nowhere near cool enough to let them chase.

There's a 2nd man I'm vaguely interested in right now, in terms of at least getting to now him, and I'd not heard from him since Monday (work contact, so not 'texting'), so I've just invented a reason to message him today. I'm just generally a very proactive person and if I want to talk to someone, I'll just message/call them, I don't tend to think about it too much.

Which I know probably doesn't help me.

Anyway, @justanotherboymum, after this essay... when is this date? Sounds very thought-through!

ThisIsMyYearToFindMyself Oh no, no, no, sorry, I'm not on Raya! The celebs who I've seen are on Bumble, Hinge. I've just heard about Raya... Sorry, no gossip
Yes I think it's those kind of types who are allowed in!

Oh damn, I just got settled in bed for some sleb dating gossip from you 🤣.

ThisIsMyYearToFindMyself

@ElleintheWoods thanks that’s really interesting. I like the idea of actually wanting to do a certain activity so inviting the man along. I suppose I feel like most men would prefer to chase but maybe not! So if you don’t tend to kiss on dates then how does it progress past a friendship? This guy is from the US (the south), I feel like he’s one who prefers to chase. Date is on Saturday so will see how it goes 😀

Well they're on dating apps looking for opposite sex partners so I don't see an issue with them putting straight. It seems like you (and perhaps they know this) wouldn't want to date a bisexual man so they avoid detailing it.

Putting sexual orientation seems a bit pointless as you're already stating what sex you're interested in.

Ah for some reason I thought he was from Europe! Yeah I’d assume quite traditional with that, I think paying for dinner first date is pretty standard there? @Crushed23 where you at with your insights?

Does he live close to you?

I think most men just value it more if they chase, it’s quite sad really. Some guys message me 4-5 times on different days before I reply, I’m just like ‘whyyy?’ Whereas I suppose a guy who knows you’re into them feels they can relax, you’ll always be there, and it becomes more low effort. Which is how Scandinavian relationships are, low effort and easy. I want some kind of happy middle way though.

Hmmm I’m just a bit weird I think. I almost can’t bring myself to kiss someone who I don’t have feelings for. Therefore I’ve pretty much gone down the route of not dating someone unless I’m already invested. Say last 12 months I’ve tried to date a fair few guys and with none of them did I get into a stage where I felt ‘yes I’d want to touch them’. Just find it quite hard to get attracted to someone, it’s rare for me. But I do make an effort to get to know someone if I find them good-looking to see if attraction could build.

Well I lie, I pretty much fell in love with someone 12 months ago, with him I was very attracted and borderline obsessed, so knowing what that feels like, I just can’t bring myself to settle for less.

@ElleintheWoodsWell I daren’t talk about men paying on dates lest I upset some of our male contributors 😁

But yes, men typically pay on the first date in the US, and there’s a lot less anxiety around it generally (female friends say they don’t offer to split, and doing so is “overthinking”).

On the point around planning dates vs men chasing, I like men to take the lead, and to open me up to new experiences. I didn’t realise how important this was to me until fairly recently. With exDP, I was far more worldly than him and had had many more interesting life experiences. We’re the same age but all he seemed to have done with his life outside school/work before we met was watch sport (like travelling to Australia to watch a cricket tournament, that sort of thing). He had no life skills either: he couldn’t even drive let alone ski or sail. I broadened his horizons more than he broadened mine and I felt like I was mothering him half the time. Consequently I lost all sexual attraction to him. He made my world smaller and it was the biggest turn off imaginable.

I was actually worried that my current relationship would go the same way (with Mr Rave if we’re still using nicknames on the thread!) but it’s not that he’s not worldly, it’s that we come from completely different worlds. Which is something entirely different and has the exact opposite effect: it’s an aphrodisiac 🤗

So yeah, passive, unworldly men are my biggest nightmare, I’ve learned.

@Crushed23 I’m sure there’s a dozen sayings out there about how we should never worry about upsetting people and just be ourselves 😉

I think for me it depends on what the experiences are. I’m generally very open minded but I’m also really worldly, so a lot of things the boys plan and think it would be impressive just don’t interest me… I’ve probably most enjoyed dates where we have very similar interests, and then it’s just doing stuff we’d normally do anyway, like waking up early for a big hike, seeing a film in the cinema, or going to see a comedian we both like. That’s all very casual though, I’m not sure I’d trust a man to plan a weekend away without preparing to be underwhelmed 😇 Or get decent tickets to something that’s actually great, and plan the day.

See I feel like I’m your opposite in that sense. Yes, it can be hot if the man decisively makes a really good plan. I’ve enjoyed that at times.

However I think it’s my personality and upbringing that makes me attracted to guys who just aren’t quite like that. I’ve thought about it a lot recently and even as a little girl I crushed on guys who could barely do the times table, but who had that cute confused vibe about them. I’ve always thought of men as, and I’m sorry I know it sounds sexist, people that aren’t hugely competent and need constant help and support to pretty much survive day to day 🤣 I’m just used to women making all the decisions and men going along with it. Spent a lot of my working life ‘fixing men’s lives’ and firefighting whenever they made terrible decisions, listened to hours of overthinking chat etc, so it’s quite ingrained.

I probably just find it hard in my head to flip that dynamic and exist alongside someone more dominant. Or accept that men can be decisive etc.

So to be honest I think I just have to accept my type is cute, nice, independent but not particularly dominant. I’m not comfortable being led, I’m too unfamiliar with that scenario.

Plus also there’s something about taking a boy up a mountain top or into a nice hotel or a football game and seeing their eyes go ‘wow’ and a big smile appearing on their face.

They have to be a good and proactive texter though. That’s completely non-negotiable. If they don’t text properly I assume ‘not interested’

@NowStartingOverBut isn’t the point to find someone compatible? So if I don’t want to date someone who is bisexual but who put down he was straight he would be deceiving me which is wrong.

so why not be honest?

Oh yes, I remember you saying you’re somewhat of an agony aunt to the men in your life! If that’s the role you’ve always assumed then I can understand how a dominant man who takes the lead would not appeal. But what you describe there about seeing a man’s face light up when you show him new (to him) but quite normal life experiences is precisely what kills my sexual interest dead. I would feel like I was babysitting.

I’d still consider myself dominant in a relationship in the sense that I know what I want and refuse to be a pushover. But I do want a man to take initiative and make some decisions. Where things have worked really well in current relationship is he comes up with ideas that wouldn’t even cross my mind because we’re from such completely different worlds and the novelty of them means I have a good time because it’s new and exciting. To give an example of this (god help me this is so outing… 😅), he’s obsessed with cars and racing and off-roading and anything of that ilk, so he’s taking me to a car festival 😂 It’s in the arse end of nowhere Upstate and we’re going to camp in the back of his truck after watching cars race, and doing other outdoorsy things like kayaking and paddle boarding (which I love, to be fair). If you said to me a year ago, you’ll be using up a precious weekend in summer to go CAMPING and watch CARS RACE I’d have laughed in your face. But it turns out diverging from strict dating criteria and ‘saying yes’ more is kinda addictive. ☺️

Totally agree with this. Saying you’re straight when you’re bisexual is deceptive. Most straight women would not be comfortable dating a bisexual man, so I assume they lie to get more matches.

@gettingbetter33 Feeld was the app that put me off dating for a while because it was the same faces from traditional sites yet wanting casual. Yet on Bumble etc, they were portraying a very different image.