Dating thread 52 - 2025. Springing into Spring

[oldernotwiserffs]

The Rules:
• The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
• Develop a thick skin.
• Do not invest emotionally too soon.
• It's all BS until it actually happens.
• Trust your gut instinct.
• People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your faulT.
• Know your wortH.
• If it's not fun, stop.
• Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread.
11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated
12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.
Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

In all honesty I would steer clear of a man going though a divorce and who has kids. No ex-wife and no kids is a non-negotiable for me. But everyone is different!

Even if you’re okay with his baggage - perhaps you have kids yourself? - I don’t think harping on about his ex, the bad sex and not actually being interested in your life paints a great picture. Any redeeming qualities that makes you think he might be worth a second chance?

@Crushed23i do have kids so I don’t mind that and prefer it as I’m not having anymore.

I am trying to work out if maybe I’m picking things I don’t like about him because the sex didn’t workout and now I’m finding faults.

so the things I liked about him at the start were that he seemed kind and liked to take me to nice places,, seemed to be a gentleman, he likes to travel and so do I.

but I do feel he talks about his ex a lot and I do feel he doesn’t ask enough about me (but that could be me trying to make up faults) but I don’t think it is

Hmmm let me offer a different POV.

You say that you give almost anyone a chance. Of course you’ll find fault with them. Most people won’t be right for you, only a few will be, if you go off them easily, you clearly aren’t feeling it.

I tried going with this approach for a while, dating different people, giving people a chance. Mostly because I thought I gave up on people too easily and should consider their qualities and compatibility more.

Thing is, I’ve fallen in love multiple times in my life. I fell in love with somebody last year and I still think about him now. Also fell in love with someone 4 years ago and remember what our first kiss felt like, or any kiss.

Dating and trying on random guys for size just doesn’t compare. So I’ve stopped. And only pursue someone if in a crowd of thousands, they’re the one to catch my eye.

Eg I met a guy a week ago and I’m excited when he messages and feel butterflies when I see him. I don’t want to spend time on anything less than that. They don’t excite me and I see their faults from a mile off. I’ve decided I dont wait to be picked. I’ve always been the one to do the picking, that’s my natural MO and it’s best if I carry on like that.

It doesn’t have to be a numbers game, it’s perfectly fine to not date and hold out for someone that actually makes your heart beat faster.

With this latest guy… honestly from the outset you already have concerns. That’s him at his best. Why even give him a chance? Doesn’t sound like he excites you or would add to your life. If there’s lots of guys about for you, just go for one who you like at least at the start.

@ElleintheWoodswell I give people a chance that I think seem nice or are fun etc and hope that things will grow and I will start to like them more. It’s not very often I meet someone and think wow I am really attracted to you so that’s why I try to give them a chance.

well with the current guy when we go out we do have a lot of fun and seem to be similar in the things we enjoy. But I can see I’m finding things about him I don’t like and I feel like this always happens once the dating moves on abit where you start considering if you want a relationship or not. so that’s why I wonder if it is me or him and because I have friends that are always saying things like oh you always find issues.

and I also wonder if all these people that are in long term relationships are just with them as they don’t want to be alone and are not that happy.

@notsureaboutyou Hmmm I do wonder about people in LTRs sometimes. For some people, it seems to be very important to be in a relationship. Therefore, do they just (whisper it) settle? Or think 'we've been together long enough, might as well carry on'?

Looking back, I had massively settled in my LTR, it seemed very comfortable and socially acceptable. It seemed scary to be single. Yet now that I'm single, life is very significantly better, and I'm much happier.

I often look at couples when out and about and ask 'would I want to be them? would I want to date this man?' 95% of the time the answer is 'hard no from me'. Very few seem to be in the sort of relationships I'd like to be in.

Have you thought about your attachment style? Mine is mostly avoidant, and therefore it's hard for a man to tie me down, I find fault with them all. However, every few years I meet someone that blows my mind, and no matter how unsuitable they are and how well I can see their faults, I still want to be with them. On the flip side, I know some random guy will trigger my avoidant tendencies sooner or late.

It also sounds like you have a lot of options, which probably makes you pickier.

If you feel like your friends are being judgy, do they need to know about everyone that you have a few dates with? For me, if I've not been with someone at least 3 months, they don't count as a date, and don't get airtime, they're just trial-and-error.

Think my bottom line is, if you don't have feelings for someone, and you don't look forward to spending time with them/ think about them first thing and last thing, it's actually unkind dating them. You can't force yourself to fancy someone. It's not a checklist exercise. Either you do or you don't.

The last guy I caught serious feelings for spent all his money on beer and football and generally behvaed immaturely for his age. But I wanted him like mad - and of course he had redeeming characteristics as well! At the same time I was seeing someone with similar interests to me, good-looking, secure, mature, very wealthy - but i just did not get the same feeling with him! Good character and features isn't supposed to inspire you to fall in love.

Need some advice! What does everyone think of dinner on a first date? I suggested meeting for a date and he said what do I think about him paying to take me out for a meal. First thought was oh how lovely but then realised it’s maybe too much for a meeting with a stranger and if he’s a weirdo I’ll be stuck with him for ages 🤣 Secondly, I gave him my number and when he whatsapped me it was from a number in a different European country where he lived last year. Said he just hasn’t swapped it over on WhatsApp yet. Does that sound weird or am I looking for red flags that aren’t there?!

justanotherboymum I don't think that I'd have noticed the WhatsApp thing so I'm not sure.
I've done dinner on a first date but we had a walk first, so met by the restaurant, went for a walk through the park, then we had a chance to say goodbye before the meal. That worked well so I wouldn't rule it out... Him suggesting paying before you've met makes me feel a bit prickly though!

It doesn’t sound tooooo bad for me. Been on a few dates like that, especially if he is 45+ and more traditional (eg almost everyone outside London 🤣), that may be his normal. Or also if he’s lived abroad! Splitting bills is pretty Northern European/ American and even here, I feel like it’s more the women than the men that push for splitting.

On the flip side it suggests a more traditional and controlling personality type to me, or someone who is quite wealthy and used to having subtle power over people. I’ll happily have people pay for my food or drinks but I definitely see it as a power move, and I use it as such, too. Or I allow people to pay to make them feel more powerful.

can take a while to swap numbers over if admin isn’t your priority. My ex is in a foreign country and 6 months later still has his UK number. People are different, I wouldn’t worry. Often easier to keep your foreign number if you still have clients in that country etc.

I would say don’t sweat the small stuff here though.

Thanks both, I knew this was the place to ask! I didn’t see the offering to pay as a power move but will keep that in mind. To be honest I always offer to split and men always take me up on it whereas I’d rather men pay for the first date!! Hes from abroad so hopefully just trying to be a gentleman. I replied asking if it’s ok to just do a drink for the first date and maybe we can FaceTime beforehand and he said of course and gave me some potential FaceTime available times so that’s a good sign. I’ll try not to overthink 🤣

Oh that's a good sign, justanotherboymum Keep us updated then!

I was going to say that I've had men try to 'insist' on dinner 'As that's what you do on a date' & then that's a 'No', if they aren't willing to listen to what I'd like to do.

I would say unless he is from Scandinavia or Germany/ Dutch/ Belgian or quite young, it would be 100% normal in his head to organise a ‘proper’ date (ie dinner) and also pay for it, anything less would considered disrespectful behaviour for a man in his culture.

British dating is very casual comparatively.

Every Italian/ Spanish/ Eastern European date I’ve been on has been an elaborate evening meal with wine, it’s just how they do it/ what is expected.

Of course you’ll have some people that differ from the norm but generally the culture and upbringing is more traditional.

Bit of fun on the topic: https://www.instagram.com/reel/DH_lPyAMV7n/?igsh=bHgxOXNja2toOGti

Whether it’s wining and dining or a casual date in a pub, men will (offer to) pay on the first date in most cases. This was my experience in the UK and my experience in the US. I’m with you @justanotherboymumI absolutely expect a man to pay on a first date. Although I can count on one hand the times where a man hasn’t paid on a first date (out of literally 100+ first dates) so it’s not something I have to give much thought to. It’s a topic that divides opinion both on this thread and on the rest of MN though!

Naturally, the man should pay every time. It a great opportunity for you to work out how rich he is, which is one of the most important things to consider.

Within a few dates he can seal the deal by getting angry and smashing things up, which is also very attractive. Then he can tell you he’s “changed”, you can have a few kids with him, get married and put on 5 stone and start chain smoking. He’ll meet some other women, tell you its not true until you catch them getting it on in the family bed.

From there a messy divorce awaits, with him not being able to contribute to his kids because of his prolonged “anger issues”, “issues” that wont stop him fathering at least one other child with another women who thinks jhe’s “changed”.

Then you’ll start again looking for exactly the same kind of man, rejecting anyone who doesn’t look under thirty and hasn’t got super model looks and that all important bank balance.

I always refuse dinner dates and it’s telling how men respond to that.

I only do drinks as a first date and I always offer to pay my round.

Im a different generation to most on here though and grew up in a very different era of dating so I e never expect anyone else to pay for me. Expecting the man to pay was considered very old fashioned 30/40 years ago so I’m always surprised to see how many women young enough to be my daughters insist on it.

I hate the whole who should pay thing, I just find it really awkward! I feel really weird saying 'Should we go halves' & sometimes I don't know what to do so I say nothing in the moment & then I feel guilty that he paid... It's just something that I struggle with

The times that I've found it easy is when a man went to pay for coffee with his card & they only accepted cash, that was easy for me as I had the cash so I just grabbed my purse, & with paying for the parking meter (on our 2nd date) I just quickly put the coins in, so I felt like I'd paid for 'something', as he'd drove us to our date & paid for dinner the date before. I then did the same with our ice-cream later that day, just paid quickly without making a 'thing' of it.

I do this! Just for practice tho’ has resulted in a new relationship (3months in) but aldo just adds to the human capital of interaction which is positive. Easy where I live (near a river with lots of activity taking place) so natural conversations start.

Am new to the thread but have been on MN donkeys years 😀
would really welcome insights/advice if you lovely people don’t mind .
Was in a long marriage which ended (finally ) four years ago, tho’ was dead for several years before that (his second affair). Then unexpectedly dated a man I met in the wild -not at all expecting that and knew NOTHING about all the pitfalls/red flags I now know from lurking on here😀 He was odd/avoidant but lots of fun. Congenitally unreliable. I put up with a lot of unreliable behaviour because I was used to a husband who had contempt for me and repeatedly let me down. That ended two years ago and a few months ago I met a lovely man who I approached at a party (he kept looking over at me but was too shy to approach me.) He is a widower and had had no girlfriends other than his late wife, so he just assumed we were excludive from the get-go. Genuinely lovely, lots of shared friends and interests. Communicates really well, talks quite naturally about his late wife but is not obsessive and really is kind, affectionate -excellent sex -really all good… He had some holiday accommodation booked and just assumed we would go together -we had a great week in Greece two weeks ago and are going to the Lakes tomorrow. However…. I have had wobble this morning. He is working all day and so I wasn’t expecting we’d meet tonight as we are travelling tomorrow. He just messaged me to say he will be glad when work is finished as is so hot and he will come round to see me afterwards. This really threw me because both my exh and the Unreliable Boyfriend let me down at the last minute over holidays (my exh even tho’ we were supposed to be going with kids -he flaked out on a flimsy excuse because he wanted to be with his OW and the UB a few days before we were due to drive to Amsterdam to see my family)
So I am now wondering if he is coming round to say he’s changed his mind about me going. (We are driving, so no flights involved)
I know it is irrational as he hasn’t let me down in any way and his messaging has been just the same -several messages a day/I tweeted in my activity etc but have just had a flood of memory of previous disappointments with exh and UB. He is the sort of decent person who would deliver that in person, not by text or ghosting,
Just can’t see why he would want to come round this evening in the heat when he’s been working long hours all week and we are going away together tomorrow anyway.
If he weren’t at work, I would message to say ‘hope all okay with our trip -if plans have changed please just message’ but looks bonkers insecure (which it is 😂) if that’s not the case, and don’t want to stress him at work.
What I have done is send couple of breezy messages referring to the packing, and the fact thatI’ve got tomatoes growing that will ripen while we’re away so will pick them and hope to ripen in a bag with a ripe banana 😀
Sorry this is long, but am telling the story as I suspect I willneed the comfort of strangers later 😀😀 can’t tell anyone in RL as too humiliating.
Sorry if I should have started a specific thread, but I trust the lovely posters on here and really don’t want to be just another AIBU and open to unkindness x

Well he responded to my ‘tomato’ message 😂with a ❤️ so… we’ll see

I have no idea what any of this means, and it’s hardly in the spirit of the thread, is it.

Anyway, I like a man to have an attitude to money that is similar to mine, and I have found a good way to gauge that is they are happy to pay on the first date. I can’t abide a) stingy men, and b) any man who is obsessed with being exactly 50:50 when it comes to finances. I have always contributed more financially in my relationships on account of being the higher earner. I do not look for a rich husband. I am completely self-sufficient, and one of the wonderful things about that is it gives me the freedom to choose a partner I actually like and not just one who can bankroll my lifestyle. Currently dating a guy who, at a guess, earns 50-80% less than I do, but he’s wonderful 💜

I do not admit to favouring men who are physically attractive and take good care of themselves, but I see nothing wrong with that, especially as I bring the same to the table. I am very ‘visual’, for a woman - I am simply not attracted to men who are not conventionally attractive nor to old men.

Hmmmm… From what you’re describing re exes, it sounds like your issue based on previous experiences rather than a rational fear.

It’s a lovely sunny evening, he probably just fancies your company if he doesn’t live far?

or was there a ‘darling we need to talk’ vibe?

Please let us know how it goes… I feel like it might just be drinks and amazing sex?

Oh yes, woman are very "visual" in my experience. That ability to pick the loudest, most voilent of men comes from a super power built in to women. Does he have a short temper, can he promise to "change" after being locked up for the thirteenth time ?

Then there's the classic "this is what i bring to the table" idea in which woman want a man who is " physically attractive and looks after himself" but really they are not physically attractive and do not look after themselves at all, but this is fine because they "deserve better".

Sadly, not many 6'5 men who go to the gym everyday and can bench press 120 k and earn 100k a year are not attracted to sweaty women who get tattos of dolphins and go to Mecca Bingo on a Saturday night and come home with a kebab.

Your ex has ditched you for the local drug dealer… I claim my prize.

Understand that you’re angry and frustrated but this thread may not be the best outlet for your feelings.

As a 6ft 5 man (which sounds freakishly tall by the way, can you do something about it?), there’s no rules that say you must pick up women from Mecca Bingo every Saturday. Sounds like your dolphin tattoo ex gaslighted you.

Other gambling and tattoo options are available and permitted.

Have to admit, the plot above sounds quite exciting, I’d probably read/watch it, so maybe get out of the dating pool for a bit and pour your trauma into a screenplay while you’re in your therapist’s waiting list. It might be a tad much for first date small talk.

Sending a virtual hug, think you need one.

Do you have the first clue what “visual” means? Nothing to do with loudness or violence. It’s simply preferring men who are physically attractive: tall, nice face, good hair, great physique etc.

Not sure how I feel about the apps.

Think I definitely got sold into the premium subscription as the likes come in at the start to get you to sign up and then you don't see any change (or it gets worse after you're not new any more). Bumble and Tinder definitely seemed to push it.

Hinge seems better and this is without premium. They don't seem to push the hard sell so much.

Now experiencing the messaging and ghosting.

Does liking people make you more likely to come up in other people's lists? Basically does activity improve your listing?

I'm in two minds about the apps. I havent the heart to start but if I don't, I won't meet anyone. Ex and I split just over 2 months ago.