Dating thread 52 - 2025. Springing into Spring

[oldernotwiserffs]

The Rules:
• The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
• Develop a thick skin.
• Do not invest emotionally too soon.
• It's all BS until it actually happens.
• Trust your gut instinct.
• People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your faulT.
• Know your wortH.
• If it's not fun, stop.
• Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread.
11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated
12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.
Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

Elleinthe2Woods I'm on Bumble & have just joined Hinge, although I'm not putting much effort into either tbh!

I agree, the times when a man has told me he's not interested I'll just thank him for his honesty & wish him luck, but yes there's far too many men who resort to 'I wasn't interested anyway, you are... Add 25 insults here (that's online, obviously)

I'm happy to have a chat with anybody, but they generally have to approach me first as I'm shy, I've chatted to men at the bus stop, parks, on a bench etc & certainly didn't need rescuing!

It's sad, isn't it. We are all so scared to talk to each other.

I hadn't thought about being recorded but I suppose that's something else that we all have to be wary of now, as well!

I stumbled down a step recently & my kids were stood there shrieking with laughter shouting 'Did anybody film that to put it on YouTube?'

@ElleintheWoods - I love your approach and kudos for being brave! Would love to hear how things pan out with the handsome strangers you meet IRL.

I was in France a few weeks ago and it felt so easy and natural to strike up conversations with random people (not just men) there - while queuing, at the cafe, in a shop etc. I also got chatted up while waiting for my coffee and the whole interaction was effortless. Sadly I didn’t meet anyone I fancied, but the interaction felt great at the time.

As I have mentioned, my experience in London has been the exact opposite unless I have run into someone who is Italian/French etc. Given my sheer lack of any success on OLD, I have been going to all sorts of professional and other events, hanging out at various coffee spots locally, going to gallery/museum openings, and generally being open to striking up a conversation even at my local park. I have mainly been ignored or the men blanked at me or after a few sentences the men mostly found an excuse to leave. Why is it so scary for a woman to strike up a conversation? I am as always baffled. Perhaps they weren’t single after all (even if not visibly married) or are terrible conversationalists? Or do we think handsome men not visibly accompanied by a woman get hit on all the time and they are tired of it?

It sounds like a London thing @occhiazzurri I was recently in Vegas (admittedly not in any way a normal place…) and it was so easy to strike up a conversation with people, of either sex. Flirting felt natural/relaxed rather than awkward. Sounds like you had a similar experience in France. The other thing is, in the UK, a large proportion of the unmarried men are in relationships. As seen on the recent ‘what age did you meet your DH’ thread, people in the UK are together for years before they get married. Also, if people are engaged, only the women wear an engagement ring. So I would think the men you chatted to were most likely not single.

@Crushed23 - yes, I do think people are way chattier in the US, too! Last year I ended up chatting to someone in Whole Foods, in a bar and at the airport lounge while visiting for work. I am still a bit bummed none of those encounters led to anything, given the geographical distance.

I think you are right - most of my friends who are married (other than two who met their husbands on OLD and two more recently at work/through hobby) met their SO either in high school or university or on a grad scheme at work, so all before they were 25. I guess it is quite tricky to figure out whether someone you meet randomly is single!

It’s not just unmarried men in their 20s who might be in a relationship (although if that’s who you’re targeting, I strongly approve 😉). On that thread, there were so many posts along the lines of “Met DH at 32, him 35, got married at 37 [and 40]”, so chances are the 40something men without a wedding ring are also taken!

As an aside, I'm not going to suggest that stat is true, but it's not without respectable support.

This is an interesting programme that mentions it, from about ten minutes in

https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p0bwpxjb www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p0bwpxjb]]

Here's a quote from an academic interviewed in the programme.

"It may just be an uncomfortable truth that we have to reckon with, that for much of our history women were settling with men out of strict social pressure or economic necessity. Now that women are outpacing men in many spheres of education and the workplace they don't need to settle as much and they're competing with each other for an increasingly small pool of ... economically attractive men"

He then quotes statistics from dating apps that reference that infamous 80/20 split. (though I'm personally confused about what makes a person at the top or the bottom as it's all personal isn't it?)

The best lies are salted with a bit of truth.

I'm not agreeing or disagreeing with what's said but it's relevant that it's not just Reddit manosphere that's saying this.

Man here & single but not OLD

Large number of friends are with wives & partners through OLD & it's a very high percentage of 30+ age range guys i know that if they weren't with their other half from a younger age then they met through OLD.

Bit of a on the spot think, but that's probably 80% or more overall of the guys I know. Tho as an at work cross section as its all male it's a bit lower at 5 out of the 10 guys so 50% of partners via OLD. However if I then excluded the ones who've been with partners from younger ages it goes up to 80% again.

Yes it’s not without merit, it’ll have come from somewhere and you’ve referenced the sources.

My general perception is that women are very picky when swiping, so it’ll be a small % of men they choose, whereas men swipe right far more. Generally my experience on a dating app is that if I swipe right on a man, I know we will match. So that’s why I think they really aren’t picky initially.

So as a man, is the 80/20 stat in your head a little bit when dating?

Also, economically attractive? Is that American research? I notice that’s increasingly the culture in Britain also, ‘what does he do for a living’. Maybe it’s a cultural thing (Dane here) but if you’re economically self-sufficient as a woman, you can afford to choose on personality, looks, whatever you fancy.

Last 2 guys I was really into were just really good listeners, definitely not high earners. They seemed puzzled and in disbelief I wanted to date them for a long while.

My gran (self-sufficient) married a much younger athlete because he was hot and fun to be around, and that was in the 1940s, so why are we still prioritising ‘what do they do for a living?’

I’ve just found it so surprising that men who I’d objectively describe as desirable seem to think women don’t want them. Excuse the stereotypes but these are men with good jobs/ salaries in the 100k region or prestigious ‘public eye’ jobs, decent-looking, smart, good company.

But they’re so stuck on not being over 6ft cos they think they need to be. Or having a bit of weight on and not a 6-pack. Big focus on the external and any minor flaws - even though despite their perceived flaws and insecurities they get attention from women, and dates!

I recently had someone tell me they cannot date me as they aren’t on the same level and genuinely emigrate immediately to earn a better salary?!

Just feel like men are so obsessed with 80/20, but ALL men seem to think they’re in the 80.

Meanwhile I see so many people in couples that I certainly wouldn’t be interested in from the outside. Maybe it’s just the case of believing you can love and deserve to be loved that makes a successful relationship, not aspiring for external characteristics and validation.

@occhiazzurri Go to Italy!! It’s a matter of national pride to chat women up there, I think, especially with your looks 😇

Whenever I leave my mum alone there, some appropriately aged Italian bloke will try chat her up - she’s close to 80 now and greatly amused by this. Also, the men are gorgeous. Hmm, might book flights to Milan and Dublin now!

@NervesOfCotton Hmmm yes I’m on a one-woman mission to change that. Men are people, it’s funny how we criticise societies where men and women lead segregated lives, but then seems like we aspire to that ourselves.

One of my friends that works out a lot says that he’s afraid of working out near women in a gym for example, because he’s worried about being perceived as pervy. So he won’t do an exercise til women have left the area. Or in a yoga class, you notice how the men go to the front or the sides to not be thought of as checking anyone out.

Huge difference between having a friendly chat or interaction like you’ve described, and hitting on somebody, in my opinion.

Anyway, back to the topic, attractive men shall be approached this summer, I don’t care if I get arrested 😉

Why do you think you’re disinterested in the apps that you’re on? Just not particularly hopeful of finding someone, or not seeing anyone you’d like?

ElleintheWoods I have a lot going on in my life so I don't have the energy for it. I'm still swiping Right etc, but where I used to think 'Oh, I need to do my daily swipes on Bumble' I'll now think 'Nah, can't be bothered'.

I am a little disheartened that there's loads of the same men on Hinge, tbh, as well. I didn't expect a whole new load of men to pop up but it's pretty much every other one, I've already seen.

I agree with you about Italian men, by the way. I have a bit of a major crush on the Italian Eurovision singer
Maybe one day I can go to Italy & try my luck there...

There was a thread on MN recently about a woman who was suspicious over a male shop greeter, because he would always greet her and be friendly she thought he was into her, not the fact that it was his job!

So, yes there are people who are suspicious over any male/female interaction in the real world. If people think that a shop greeter saying "hello" is sexual harassment I wouldn't hold out much hope for random conversions with men in public.

Just a question, keep getting the same guy popping up on hinge keeping after pressing X on him. Is hinge broken??? Makes it really awkward as he broke my heart.

I could not disagree more on Italian men 😅 at least based on my experience. I generally don’t fancy them in the slightest. Maybe because I prefer tall men and Mediterranean men are shorter than average (I think?) but also I am not a fan of lots of body hair and again, based on my experience, they have much more body hair than average. But it’s not just looks, I found them insincere, cheesy and there was always an undertone of misogyny in their interaction with women - we’re there to be seduced, conquered and to boost their ego. I couldn’t imagine an equal relationship with any of the Italian men I came across in my dating journey.

Sorry to any Italians, but this has 100% been my experience, both in London and in Italy when I did an extended trip across the country a few years ago.

Oh really, Crushed23? Well you've 'crushed' my fantasy there

I actually feel the same about Irish guys (& sorry to any Irish, just my personal experience) I LOVE the accent but the ones that I've dated have all been so insincere & just not nice people.

getting better Oh no! It's doing that with me as well, the same ones popping up. Is that not normal on Hinge then?

@NervesOfCottonoh goodness I hope not. I’m finding it really triggering.

gettingbetter33 Can you message them (the admin) & ask them? I can imagine it's horrible for you.

That happens on Hinge. Do any matter how many times you swipe left for someone, they still reappear on a daily basis.

You can put ‘I don’t want you see this person’ but can’t remember how. I know I did it when my mates pisshead testing an ex appeared as my ‘ most suited’ - interesting to see he’s now 56 despite the fact I went to his 60th in 2022!

Think you can click on their profile somewhere - 3 dots maybe - and select ‘not interested in this person’

Oh yes, I've just tried it, 3 dots in the top Right. thank you TwistedWonder.
gettingbetter33 Hopefully this works for you.

Hmmm yeah it shouldn't feel like a chore! Should feel like fun, right'?

Is it just the case that people looking to date create profiles on all mainstream apps, maybe? I presume you're also in an area with less than 300,000 people, so repetition becomes more obvious?

Italian men are gorgeous... although a bit intense!! And a bit cheesy like @Crushed23. My assessment is 'easy on the eye, hard to tolerate long-term'. But they are keen for sure!

Honestly they are of varied types of Italian men, taller, shorter, darker, blonder... I work in an Italian company and don't particularly fancy any of the guys there, but the variety is certainly present. And the accent/ pronounciation/ tone of voice is very attractive to me.

Fuck it, activated my Bumble account, probably using it wrong, but we'll see how it goes.

Speed dating appears to be getting very thin on the ground now, with hardly anyone turning up and most people ignoring the age range. Also starting to see regulars (which means that I'm getting into that territory now!), I think some of them enjoy going to the events, never meeting anyone (perhaps not being open to that), but enjoy the routine. And this is true of both sexes.

You should be able to block him on the app using his phone number/ another way.

Hmmm I love Irish guys, have had really good experiences with them, super respectful, kind, considerate etc. Or maybe I'm more forgiving as they're sooo my type?

What nationalities/ looks fo you prefer?

ElleintheWoods I don't really have a type tbh, I just like who I like, although I've always had a thing for the soft rocker type (hence my little Eurovision crush!) but recently I'm really into the geeky, techy, thick glasses, floppy hair type...

I love an accent. Any accent that's different to my own, they are so appealing to me!

The only thing that has always been a 'no' for me is men who are really muscley.

I strongly agree with your last sentence especially, and that's been my experience of love, both before and during my marriage, which continues. I'm an interloper on this thread, and I hope no one minds this, but I am very interested in people's experiences of dating, partly because my children are now at that age, and also because I was no good at it myself.

I understand the basis for the 80/20 split to be statistics from dating apps, which would prove that a minority of men were getting most the attention from the women etc. What's less clear is how anyone knows what these men have in common, ie, how they can be identified as 'economically attractive'. It's a very troublesome conclusion that I think does provide fuel to some unpleasant beliefs.

I also think that all this proves is how people behave on apps, ie, dating through offline social connections through friends and acquaintances (which is how I met my DW) wouldn't show this split I suspect.

Well started with Bumble, probably messed it up already. Got confused with the swipe right and left, because a swipe left requires you to start from right and go left (was correct on the tutorial, and then forgot on the second session). So probably selected a lot of wrong people, but I'll quickly learn.

Didn't know you could swipe down to read the profile (tried clicking and did nothing). Didn't get that in the tutorial!

Quickly ran into a lot of complaints about OLD, lots of people are in group photos, face behind the phone in mirror selfies etc.

Bit annoyed that when you start it tells you to swipe right on a lot of people to build up a profile and then it moaned at me for swiping right too much!